[feefafo]

An INFJ (4w3) friend of mine was talking to me on Skype last night about getting a name change. She talks a lot about wanting to create a completely new identity for herself, and a new story, and she thinks her old name holds her back. However, she said she wants to lose weight before she's done with her current 'character' to have a happy ending to that chapter of her life.



She came to me because, apparently, I have my feet on the ground. But really, that's all I could offer her - telling her that, realistically, getting to average weight and changing your name could make her happier, but it wouldn't solve anything. I couldn't get much further than that.

While I've toyed with the idea of creating a character to play when I'm around people who don't know me, this is something completely different that I've not had a lot of experience in. I've not always liked my name, but I've never felt restricted by it. I've never truly wanted to start over (except for that naive period when I began high school, but that was pretty short-lived), and I've always felt that everything I've done in my life is important to who I am - throwing it away wouldn't be right.

So I'm here for some insight.

How many of you have had these feelings? Have any of you gone through serious identity changes? Have any of you changed your name completely for this purpose? How did it work out? Would you say this is a really bad idea, or a really good one?

Thanks in advance.

[eleri]

I wish to change my surname to my mothers when I move out, mainly because I don't like my maiden name nor the father which gave it to me.

I have thought about using my middle name to people who don't know me however, mainly so that I can differentiate between acquaintance and friend. (they can't use miss ___ because my surname is that bad.)

Thankfully in the UK, name change is basically free.

And I think the idea can be a good one if all you have are bad memories with the last name. And tbh, you won't 'throw it away' will you? You're always going to remember it, it's just another chapter in life, maybe for her it's the whole 'open at the close' deal.

[Sire H]

Well, as a transgender person who got a legal name change, I have to say... having a name to consider your very own- one that you identify with, that really means 'you' in your head- is quite empowering. Getting to label yourself finally... yes, that's very empowering.

I'd warn your friend not to jump into a new name in a snap. If she truly does feel her name does not fit her, she should take the time to think about what sort of name she feels is natural for her. When she has a good idea of the name she desires, she should go by it for a few months, at least, in order to understand whether or not she's willing to stick with it.

I have this to say, too: In my opinion, a name should reflect who one is inside, and not someone else that an individual wishes they were. The name should reflect the individual it labels; the individual should not label themselves in an effort to force their inner self to reflect the name.

If one simply wishes to 'play around,' I'd suggest simply going by nicknames. It's free, easier to change, less permanent. And then, should an individual find a name that really suits them on a deep and personal level, that individual can get it legally changed to reflect having come to that important point in their life.

[Jawz]

Well, as a transgender person who got a legal name change, I have to say... having a name to consider your very own- one that you identify with, that really means 'you' in your head- is quite empowering. Getting to label yourself finally... yes, that's very empowering.

I'd warn your friend not to jump into a new name in a snap. If she truly does feel her name does not fit her, she should take the time to think about what sort of name she feels is natural for her. When she has a good idea of the name she desires, she should go by it for a few months, at least, in order to understand whether or not she's willing to stick with it.

I have this to say, too: In my opinion, a name should reflect who one is inside, and not someone else that an individual wishes they were. The name should reflect the individual it labels; the individual should not label themselves in an effort to force their inner self to reflect the name.

If one simply wishes to 'play around,' I'd suggest simply going by nicknames. It's free, easier to change, less permanent. And then, should an individual find a name that really suits them on a deep and personal level, that individual can get it legally changed to reflect having come to that important point in their life.

My best friend IRL is a male X-dresser ... And you're absolutely spot on. I remember how he used to be extremely unhappy and closed up. It took him 10 years to get around to asking me to refer to him as she. And then another year to get me to call her by her preferred name ... and even then she was very hestitant to ask.

At the same time, she really wants to go all the way and even get an operation, but for some reason she can't get over the hump. She even has a very understanding bi girlfriend. I've been supporting her for over 10 years now .. but she keeps citing "social pressures". I would've thought Canadians would be so much more open to this.

That said, I agree with you 100%. I've noticed a remarkable change in her attitude as soon as I started referring to her with the feminine specific pronouns, salutations, slang and her preferred name.

So to the OP, my advice is to allow your friend to do as she pleases, and support her 100%. It's a wonderful feeling knowing that our friends will support us in our life's decisions. And in many cases can make the difference between happiness and depression.

[feefafo]

Thanks for the replies! It's helpful to hear opinions of people who have had experience, and testing a new name out before a legal change is a great idea. And, of course, I'll try to support my friend as much as I can with whatever she chooses to do. :)

[Nomenclature]

Well, as a transgender person who got a legal name change, I have to say... having a name to consider your very own- one that you identify with, that really means 'you' in your head- is quite empowering. Getting to label yourself finally... yes, that's very empowering.

I'd warn your friend not to jump into a new name in a snap. If she truly does feel her name does not fit her, she should take the time to think about what sort of name she feels is natural for her. When she has a good idea of the name she desires, she should go by it for a few months, at least, in order to understand whether or not she's willing to stick with it.

I have this to say, too: In my opinion, a name should reflect who one is inside, and not someone else that an individual wishes they were. The name should reflect the individual it labels; the individual should not label themselves in an effort to force their inner self to reflect the name.

If one simply wishes to 'play around,' I'd suggest simply going by nicknames. It's free, easier to change, less permanent. And then, should an individual find a name that really suits them on a deep and personal level, that individual can get it legally changed to reflect having come to that important point in their life.

Oh my god, this. My name is generic as fuck and it's annoying when people are all like "Your name is your identity." Uhm, no it's not. Only when I choose my name should it be an expression of who I am. Thanks for the tips, though.

[Vaan]

How many of you have had these feelings? Have any of you gone through serious identity changes? Have any of you changed your name completely for this purpose? How did it work out? Would you say this is a really bad idea, or a really good one?

I decided to change at age 13 because i was given the chance to do so, freed from my past, and so i remade myself from scratch and this is what I ended up as ^^. I intend to change my name next year, but thats because on my mums side has a line of very kind and gentle men (they were strong of body, soft of heart). So i'd much rather have a name that is representative of them and to carry on that legacy of kindness rather than bringing an undeserving title to the name i have currently :/. To become apart of the Barker clan........

If she changes her name, it has to be for a good reason, otherwise it's just changing the font on a packet label

[Unicorntopia]

I am an INFJ 4w3 too and I totally relate to this. I have never done either but I have always longed to. I would feel absolutely free if I were to periodically change my identity on a whim whenever I felt like it, for a couple months be a hippy and for a couple months be an eletist. That would be awsome! I can get along just as well with pretty much any group of people I am thrown into. Some of them I dislike more than others but there are tons of them I like equally and can't choose between any of them. I can't even choose what I want to do with my life. There are good and bad things about all of them and I just want to try them all out for a while and just wonder experiensing the beauty and pain of all of it. My worst nightmare is to be trapped in the same life style and routine never being able to change and be what I feel as it comes. I know this makes me sound really INFP but I think it is more so a 4w3 thing. Also, I can follow my intuition better that way. I want to do it so bad! I have been to scared my hole life but things are setting themselves up to give me that opportunity. I hope I have the guts to follow.

[Goaty]

Every so often I'll have this urge to "switch it up" and change some aspect about myself -- almost like I'm adopting a tweaked identity. My sense of self is very fluid, which has spawned fantasies throughout my life about dropping everything, vanishing, and taking on a completely new personality. Life can get a little stagnant. I have love-hate relationship with routine and day-to-day norms. As much as it kills me to say it, chaos and craziness make life fun.

That's why I've always been so fond of Mystique in X-Men movies; the ability to change one's appearance so drastically would be my superpower of choice. Pretty sure I'd just wander the earth and meet new, exciting people. The possiblities would be endless, especially since I'm fairly good at mimicking behavior. Fixing my physical appearance would be the last and final step.

But then practicality soon sweeps in and says, "You idiot, Goaty. Did you stop and even think about implementing such a disastrous idea?"

The urge then goes away.

[Unicorntopia]

I would also like to note that it is incredibly difficult to play all sides at once. They all feel that you are not on their side because you are too much like the others, especially ones they don't like. Then being the empath that I am makes me very sensitive to their disaproval and my heart triad shame is magnified. If you mix all the colors together you get grey or brown, point being, basically a neutrality that equates to near nothingness. If I want every one to look over me like I am nothing and ignore me and get nothing done within the people than that would be just fine but I absolutely hate being ignored. It makes me feel not special and unloved so I have to find another plan.