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Do all INFJ's feel caught in the fire of other people's burnt up lives?

[INFJ] 
2K views 19 replies 18 participants last post by  stephybear 
#1 ·
I've never made a really bad decision and ended up in a really bad place because of it. I've been blessed with the gift of self control and good judgement. But it drives me nuts when other people aren't.

Recently an old friend of mine whom I lived with for a while got his girlfriend pregnant who is barely in her twenties and already has another kid. It squished his dreams, but I think I feel crappier than he does. It came out as anger, as in "WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU YOU IDIOT WHERE IS YOUR CONDOM?" but that sort of anger is just my way of mismanaging how much I love him.

And of course this is not an isolated incident. I could probably come up with a list 20 pages long of the bad decisions I've seen and how I feel worse than the people involved. If I tried to get rid of everyone in my life who caused this I'd never be able to speak to anyone again.

So can anyone tell me, is this an INFJ thing? Do any of you have grievances of a similar nature? And how do you let go of it?
 
#2 ·
I get like this too. It hurt to see others making wrong choices where we know there is nothing we can do about it. What I do is just to accept it and understand that their choices affect them, not me. I do believe we all walk our own path in life and when we experiences something, not only we are learning from it, but it something that we have to go through.
 
#4 ·
Lauren Gooch;1426434 but that sort of anger is just my way of mismanaging how much I love him.
Very well said indeed. I have this problem of exploding on people that I care about when they do something stupid. When I find out about something I immediately get really angry at the person for being so stupid but then I calm down and come try to help.
 
#5 ·
You nailed it on the head! My sister filed for a divorce back in May, from a man she said is emotionally and sexually abusive, fast-forward a month of her living on her own in a different state with her three kids.... and he is back living with her...As the subforum title says: "CAUGHT in the FIRE of other people's BURNT UP LIVES!" (but if you haven't been to my blog - come visit) - I talk about INFJs and Codependency - which is what we are doing when we try to 'control' under the name of 'help/love'.

(((HUGS))) to all my fellow feeling-loving-empathic-INFJ buds.
 
#6 ·
I have to say I always came at it from the "I didn't make any mistakes in my life and look how much fun everyone else had." direction. But to answer your question, yes. :wink:

But even though I've never really done anything that lit my life unfire, I've not done some things that I really wish I would've done.
 
#7 ·
Hmm yeah, this happens to me too. For example, my cousin is marrying a guy who blatantly cheated on her even though she's well aware of his skeezy actions. He is looking for citizenship, which the marriage will help provide. I can see the train wreck waiting to happen and it pisses me off that I'm helpless to stop it.

Guess who gets to be their wedding photographer... :frustrating:
 
#9 ·
I offer advice and support.. Otherwise people are free to choose. Life is series of choices.
Do I care? Of course.. But I like people to mind their own business when I am self destructing so, I render the same respect in return. I don't care if people "approve" I am not here for anyones approval nor do I expect anyone to seek my approval.
Sometimes It's best to walk away but I struggle with this choice at times.
 
#10 ·
All the f****** time ! But that has little to do with Ni Fe ... that's just regular sympathy which just about every type feels. Fe just ensures that we feel more of it and for less closer people than for other types.

Ni Fe makes it worse. Because it forces us to sense the oncoming devastation before it happens --- making us act in a way to try to prevent it from happening --- and then feeling the anger (and less sympathy) if it still happens because no one bothered to listen to you when you were trying to warn them beforehand.
 
#11 ·
yes and i want to be there. maybe it's because i have made some very bad decisions and suffered from it myself, and i needed someone who would help me through and not judge me. so i'm not really in any place to judge anyone else in the same position. i just want to give them the kind of help others gave me.
 
#12 ·
Most frustrating thing ever watching a train wreck about to occur. You just do what you can to warn the person and if they don't listen, well that's on them. I have no choice but to let it go and hope they'll realize their mistake. I've just come to accept that some people have to learn the hard way. And then there are those stubborn ones that don't even learn the hard way and keep on making the same mistakes. At some point a person just has to wake up and take responsibility for their own actions. I can't help but not feel bad when someone doesn't take my warnings seriously especially after I've been right in the past. It's the stubbornness that annoys me. All I care about is the person's well-being. Why can't they want that for themselves? I feel like a mom in friendships sometimes and I know my ENFJ husband feels like a father in his friendships. Well if nothing else, we know we'll probably make good parents when the time comes lol.
 
#13 ·
Thanks for this - - I am glad to know I'm not alone...I know I posted earlier in this thread about my sister and I was feeling quite strong that day - free of the 'fire' you could say. But I'm feeling caught in the fire today. My sister is 6 years younger than me. She is not emotionally stable. She is in a deep depression. She finally got new meds yesterday, but it takes a while. She has called the past 3 days in tears about how she is failing as a mother and how she can't even get out of bed. My mom lives 3 minutes away from her and helps when she can, but she is also feeling she's been taken advantage of so she is trying to let her take more of the responsibility. I live about 45 minutes away and help when I can too, but have kids in other activities etc. and my schedule clashes sometimes. I guess I'm just calling out for INFJ wisdom - - She has a counselor, she is taking medication, I've given her hotline #'s, we all help babysit when we can, but she is still a wreck and her husband is in school & just became owner of a new restaurant so he's never home. She and he have major trust issues anyway (see prior post - almost filed for divorce etc.) Right now I'm on good terms with her, but she holds people hostage for doing what she wants when she wants it 'or else.' She doesn't say that of course - but man - I got an ear-full yesterday about how much my mom has 'abandoned her' and how she moved to this state to get family help and now she can't 'get any.' It is never enough - - period. But I know she isn't well and I know how dark depression can be so I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.
 
#15 ·
I often feel worse than others do about their problems. I can't say I'm one for exploding though, i have a very very long fuse when it comes to my temper. I just give them my honest opinion and advice that i think will be useful. More often than not people chose to ignore what I say completely but it's in my nature to advise them.
 
#16 ·
Yep I feel the same way. Its very troubling to me since most people I know have absolutely no foresight. Especially my esfj gf (especially frustrating) . Sometimes bad things just happen and there is nothing we can do. But most of the time bad things can be prevented by thinking ahead...
 
#17 · (Edited)
OP I think there is a huge fallacy out there that people inclined to say "I told you so" get off on saying that. I couldn't count how many times I as an INFJ, THINK this, - I tend to avoid actually saying it however- but whenever I think it, it is with a dull, glum feeling inside.
I get no satisfaction at all, from being right in these situations. It's depressing... people come to INFJs for advice, but some people are determined to do the opposite of any advice they recieve.
I know in my life I have a surfeit of these people and they are f***ing energy vampires, as far as I'm concerned.
I'm about to play host to a couple who are already headed for major disaster, as their relationship was founded on lies, mutual infidelity, and gold-digging, and I know they already have big dramas on an almost weekly basis. Let me tell you, I am not looking forward to this. one. bit.
I'm worried that I will lose my rag completely, and scream the pair of the muppets out of the house, the first sign of trouble.
They deserve eachother for sure, but why does it have to contaminate my hard-won peace, is my issue. Christmas,ay? meh.
 
#18 ·
No, but I sleep in a tomb to avoid that.

Actually what my deal is, is I get angry with people for being stupid. I unintentionally get invested in their shit, which is maybe kind of emotionally invasive, but it's not on purpose. And then I try to make them not make stupid decisions and I get really upset at them.

If I could just go "that's life" and let them go off and do their shit, I'd be fine. But they come back to tell you, and whine and complain, and it's like I told you. I did care, and that's why I told you not to do it. Now you're just taking a loan out on my sympathy now, that will cost you in my long-term respect for you as a person. But if you're okay with that, and they often seem to be, then I guess I'm okay losing respect for you.

I seem bitchy, but that's kind of what it's like. I do care, but caring about people kind of makes you feel like a fool, so it gets converted into anger and frustration, maybe because I think it will be easier on me, than having sympathy for people bound to compulsions I can do nothing to fix. But it makes me meddlesome and demanding, and colder than I would like to be.
 
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