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Falling in love the INFJ way

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infj love
51K views 74 replies 48 participants last post by  Bat 
#1 ·
It is said that INFJs are forever seeking the perfect relationship and are easily disappointed and dissatisfied with their partner in their quest for perfection. They can make their partner feel like they can't match up to the INFJs high standards.
Every article I have read has painted a picture of an INFJ as an over-fussy and nit-picking freak.
I know I'm not like that. I have high standards but I'm well aware perfection doesn't exist. I'm nowhere near perfect so I wouldn't expect my partner to be perfect.
I don't agree with most of the love profiles about INFJs. Does anybody else feel the same?
 
#2 ·
Everyone, from time to time, questions what else is out there for them. Some people might do it more, but given enough time, the thought will cross everyone's mind :)

There might be particular reasons it crosses the INFJ's mind that might be slightly unlike the reasons for other types, but it's not weird. Most of the time they're simply unfounded daydreams, but if the reasons are sound, then it's time to start questioning your lot.
 
#3 ·
Well I think I'm an ESTP but, understress, school, or if something bad happens I tend to be INFJ (it's like a shadow personality)

I was so critical of who I wanted to go out with. I could only find one attractive girl in a thousand.
I guess I had this idea what perfection (physical) was and didn't want to fall short of it.
So when I do find some one I thought was hot, (it was an ISTP). I tried to befriend her but after finding out that
I'm doing this for the wrong reason and that I really didn't like like her personality.

She was okay but I figured I really like this ENFJ girl at my church that I've known but never became friends with..

I liked here before but my perfectionist view kept me blind.
She is soOOO NiCE!!! I feel so heart warmed around her. :blushed:
She's beautful, gosh I really need to ask her out.
She has a loving family, she is very open minded. very charming.
I can go on and on...

she's like emotionaly smart but not like NT smart <-- which I could care less about.
I rather be the NT smart.

I didn't notice what I wanted until I stopped allowing myself to fall for lust and this perfect mate vision, that It was right in front of me.
I now I can look at going into a relationship from the heart <3
 
#4 ·
In relationships, I don't consider myself to be very picky of the person. Flaws are what makes a person unique and beautiful. But, I'm a romantic. And if I'm with someone and my idea of how things should be going or what should be happening between us, isn't, I convince myself that I can't be with that person because of his flaws. (those of which were completely acceptable up until this point.) Or, if things are going as I would like them to, I become afraid, and tend to push that person away.

I can see decency in everyone. Even prison-lifers who have committed so many inexcusable counts. I just naturally, I guess, look for the reason why they have that personality or mentality. So, no I wouldn't say I'm very picky when it comes to things like that. My relationships crumble because of my fear of rejection and my sometimes unrealistic faith in people.
 
#5 ·
OK well as much as I hate to admit it, I have a very bad tendency to make people I am in a relationship with feel like they have to be perfect. I am a perfectionist by nature, yes I do know perfect does not exist, but I constantly strive for perfect, knowing that I will never attain it does not stop me from going and still trying to attain it, and for someone in a relationship with me, that can often be interpreted as if they are a failure becuase they are not perfect, the thing that people miss, is that I don’t want perfect so much, as I want some one who wants to do there best and strive for perfection with me. I can drive my fiancé crazy at times with issues, and make him feel like he is not good enough, I really hate that and I have to try not to do things to make people feel bad. I actually don’t like being an INFJ, but most of the personality profiles I have read are pretty accurate for me.
 
#6 ·
Maybe you need to see disastifaction from the POV of someone else. What do most guys want? Someone HOT. But it surprises me to no end how instantly I lose interest in someone who gets my blood flowing when I find out that they are vapid, shallow, vindictive or even that they have to dumb down complicated ideas to make them palatable.

However the last guy I fell for was becuase a) he showed a genuine interest in me, the real me b) was expressive about his feelings. Huge turn on.
 
#7 ·
Every article I have read has painted a picture of an INFJ as an over-fussy and nit-picking freak.
The profiles sound very familar to me, but I guess they're describing 'being in love' rather than 'falling in love'. You're bound to overlook flaws / differences / potential problems when you're first falling for someone. I think the idealism or perfectionism (or nit picking) described in the profiles is what comes later.
 
#8 ·
I think the idealism or perfectionism (or nit picking) described in the profiles is what comes later.
I think this must seperate the mature INFJ from the immature. It is a gift to have this acute awareness, not a curse and one must strive to adopt a humble strategy that visualises the possible as well as the real steps to get there. If an INFJ can identify how they are underperforming in a relationship and actually change their own behaviour, it does tend to follow on that they might expect their partner to have the same clarity and self control too. But I'm single, so shouldn't comment.
 
#9 ·
So I just asked my husband for his opinion...

According to him I give the impression that I want him to be perfect. But he knows that I don't *actually* expect him to be perfect.

I am (in his words) "fussy and thorough but very forgiving" if he does something wrong.
 
#11 ·
Ooh la la!

I'm sure he likes it too!
 
#12 ·
I'm picky on who I date but I don't expect them to be perfect. An average looking guy is still fine in my books if he has a good sense of humour and we have a lot to talk about. What tends to cause me to initiate a break-up is not the lack of perfection, but a fatal flaw.

For instance, self-centredness. One ex boyfriend often did not care how his decisions affected me- he'd pick an apartment on the opposite side of town for instance and expect me to visit. Renting a place closer to me or taking turns to visit me never crossed his mind. I had "no right" to interfere in where he chose to say because I was "just a girlfriend".

I broke up with another one because he was always disappearing into "blackholes" (i.e. become incommunicando), even after I've told him that I was sick, depressed etc. He's entitled all the space he wants to brood, but I didn't feel he cared much about me.

Then there was this guy who couldn't stop flirting with other women. Perhaps he wasn't looking to cheat, he just needed continual affirmation from different sources that he's attractive. But what about my need to feel loved and secure?

I don't think these qualify me as a perfectionist. In fact, I feel that I should have been more careful in my selection of boyfriends.
 
#13 ·
Rouge, I think that it sounds like you are honest with yourself, and that you know how you deserve to be treated. Good on you for knowing when to move on! You'll know when you've found a keeper when he makes you feel loved and secure, the communication is right, and you find his imperfections endearing.
 
#14 ·
Thanks for the kind words, decided. I guess I'm defensive because my parents want me to settle down soon (I'm Asian and in my 30s) and they often ask me not to be such a perfectionist. They couldn't understand why I've broken up with so many boyfriends and why I didn't get together with a couple of "nice" guys who had expressed interest in me. That's why being called a "perfectionist" makes me want to scream sometimes :blushed:
 
#15 ·
Yeah, I see my ISTP husband as requiring more out of me than I require of him. Sometimes I think he expects me to have superpowers or be in many places at once. I'm definitely harder on myself than on him. But DAMMIT if I could just make him WANT to hold me or do something with me instead of working all of the time. And if I could just get him to tell me the truth I might trust him a little. Is that expecting him to be perfect? *insert noise of frustration here*
 
#21 ·
Yeah, I see my ISTP husband as requiring more out of me than I require of him. Sometimes I think he expects me to have superpowers or be in many places at once.
I'm married to one too. For so long I tried to keep up with him, and be more like him, but not anymore. I'm made to be the way I am for a reason, and it's not to be like him. Besides, there are alot more of them in the population.
 
#16 ·
Oh, that's okay hon.

I'm sure your folks want you to be happy, but while they have their ideas of what's best for you... you're the one living your life. You want to make the right choice, rather than go full steam ahead into a marriage that doesn't actually make you happy. Which I think is really smart!

I guess I think a lot like you, I don't like settle for anything less than the best. I'm quite happy to be fussy sometimes, if it means that my ideals will be realised. That's not to say that my husband is absolute perfection itself, because he's not. He's just perfect in all the ways that really matter to me, and I'm more than willing to compromise on the rest.

You are willing to compromise on things, right?
 
#17 ·
I'm not looking for prefection, just someone whom I'm attracted to and connect with. I thought I found him a few months back. Even though we wrote each other a couple of long emails every day (we live in different cities), we never ran out of things to say. He was tall, good looking, smart, funny, well-read, well-travelled, a good cook, and handy around the house. In other words, my dream guy. However, the relationship started unravelling when he visited me. He was better looking than his photos but extremely quiet. I had to be the one to get the conversation rolling- even then, he hardly said much. That was still alright, I was prepared to be patient and wait for him to thaw. But I also realised that he'd been feeding me lies- among other things, he had no intention to move to my city as he said. Worse still, he was trying to hide another girl at home.

So I've deleted the 480+ emails we've written to each other in 6 weeks and thrashed all the photos he's sent me. I don't answer any messages he sends me anymore.

That was my one brush with "perfection" *wry smile* I guess when things are too good to be true, they often are.
 
#18 ·
Yikes! I wouldn't call him perfection by any definition of the word. Not even close.

The internet can connect you with some really nice and interesting people, and you definitely can find love that way. But it does have its downfalls. It is easier for people to lie, or put forward a version of themselves that is not entirely truthful. Sometimes it is unintentional and they don't mean to harm, but other times it can be nasty.

It sucks that he turned out not to be true, but at least you figured it out and moved on!
 
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#19 ·
Yes, I'm glad I saw through him. I don't think he was trying to use me. Perhaps he was deceiving himself as he was deceiving me- he created a fantasy of building another life because he was frustrated with the one he had. Anyway, I've moved on. I've also learnt my lesson. Between accepting a guy for what he's not and what he's pretending to be, I'd take the former any time.No more "Mr Perfect" for me because he simply does not exist! :laughing:
 
#22 ·
Aw, that's a shame.
In the meantime you can enjoy being single. :eek:) The freedom, the autonomy, the power!
 
#26 ·
I know for me deciding on who I would love and marry was a point of endless analysis and I've never been able to just go with my heart. Heavens no! I might make a mistake!

I'm not sure it's as much about it being perfectionistic - because I truly believe everyone is a package deal with some good and some bad in them. I'm just always thinking through whether that "package" is the right one.

The package (aka INTJ husband) I decided on 17 years ago included a great provider, and loyal and stable husband. I just forgot about intimacy and affection. :0(

Now I tell my teenage daughters all the time, don't forget about the passion and intimacy! You want a man who is a Godly man and a good leader, but the passion is so important too.
 
#27 ·
I know for me deciding on who I would love and marry was a point of endless analysis and I've never been able to just go with my heart. Heavens no! I might make a mistake!

I'm not sure it's as much about it being perfectionistic - because I truly believe everyone is a package deal with some good and some bad in them. I'm just always thinking through whether that "package" is the right one.

The package (aka INTJ husband) I decided on 17 years ago included a great provider, and loyal and stable husband. I just forgot about intimacy and affection. :0(

Now I tell my teenage daughters all the time, don't forget about the passion and intimacy! You want a man who is a Godly man and a good leader, but the passion is so important too.
Yeah.

I was going to just say "yeah" but the error message said it was to short.
 
#28 · (Edited by Moderator)
" My relationships crumble because of my fear of rejection and my sometimes unrealistic faith in people."[/quote]

I find myself going into a full panick over the thought of even getting into a relationship because as you said...fear of rejection. My question...how do you get past that? I know self esteem is the key.

How do you get past the endless analysis? I feel cursed to be an INFJ.I have a friend that keeps telling me not to write the end of the story before the story is even told...
 
#29 ·
I find myself going into a full panick over the thought of even getting into a relationship because as you said...fear of rejection. My question...how do you get past that? I know self esteem is the key.
Your question makes me wonder- is self esteem something you have or something you do?

And it reminded me of a couple of my favourite quotes:

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
- Anais Nin

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
- Dr. Seuss

They make me smile, and feel braver.

(I'm all full and happy after lunch and now my mind is floaty, so please forgive me if I'm not making much sense.)
 
#30 ·
i would think that INFJs would be pretty loyal and persevere. i guess that's my experience, though it can mean that you're left holding the torn shreds that were your heart...(!) don't mind me, just havnig some flashbacks...i guess because we live in our heads, there is a degree of fantasy involved, we spurn some fiction into the real world, sometimes the line between the real world and the in our head world is fuzzy. i think we may be more likely to think that we have someone figured out, based on our intuition, but sometimes we are wrong (but only sometimes..hehe). i am glad that i have been wrong, as i have made great friends from people i didn't like initially...i think this keeps us humble and human...
 
#31 ·
Everything about this post was superb.
 
#32 ·
I think that those statements are more directed into what OTHERS see us acting in relationships rather than how we see ourselves in relationships.

Because I know myself I know that a perfect relationship isn't possible, yet I like to strive for it. However, the guys I've dated get the impression at times that they're not good enough and that I worry to much about improving everything.
It's hard to take... and even comprehend because it's not how I see myself at all - but it seems what they say is consistent.
 
#33 ·
I think the relationship I'm in works as well as it does because I had no expectations when I met my lover. I was 19, and had spent a year being single with a terrible crush on a friend I'd been too shy to ask out, and had gradually realised was not only not really my type, but rather annoyed me. My partner was friendly and kind. He made it obvious that he liked me, and the feeling was mutual. Our relationship's always been passionate, but we didn't realise we were falling in love right away. For a long time, I had the sense that I was just seeing how things would go, since love on its own doesn't mean that things are going to work out in the long run. I have no idea what type he is - one of the tests, not MBTI, but cognate, suggested ESFP, MBTI suggested ENTJ. I rather suspect he must be borderline on several categories. Whatever he is, it seems to work.
 
#34 ·
Falling in love the INFJ way - what does this mean? I am in the mood to think about, and feel love...perhaps INFJs can share their real experiences when falling in love? What is it like for an INFJ? I don't want to focus on perfection, and un-met standards, and disappointments, I just want to be in love today!

What are some areas that INFJs can improve on (perhaps referring to this image of INFJ in the articles mentioned above - or our flaws) that hinder us from experiencing love? I am thinking of this today, because I attended a funeral, where a lot of love was expressed, but because I isolated myself a lot when I was younger, from many people, I wonder if I too can be loving without trying to hide my emotions - well that is a longer story - but I kind of just want to experience the simplicity of love today, and not hindrances to this energy flow I experienced today in my heart.

I suppose death can put a person in perspective real fast - I should attend more funerals (not meaning to, but you know what I mean) - I am far too spoiled in the way I act all emotional on here sometimes, and I just want to be one with love in this moment, and not think of anything else.
 
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#36 · (Edited)
Mine directs his perfectionistic tendencies all at himself. To an abnormally high degree - sweet, but I can only reassure a person so many times that I don't demand perfection and that some issues are just not a rush. I am an INTJ after all - I do say affectionate things and all, and do them, but it almost seems like he needs an amount of reassurance far beyond normal, just to counter the years of bullshit he dealt with. But he won't ever ask for that, being too self-effacing, so I don't know how far off I am from his needs. I need to keep reassuring him that I'm not going anywhere, particularly over the flaws that bother him so. I more want them to be solved for his sake. But he is massively good at taking responsibility for his assumptions when his anxiety leads him into paranoia and doubt, which is rare indeed, and he has never been coercive about demanding reassurance. In fact, he keeps asking if he is burdening me too much with it - something I appreciate, but I don't then know how much I am actually helping if he is still worried about accepting support.
Nit-picky - right now it's strangely aware of details but only the good ones at the moment. We'll see how long that lasts. But he mostly seems too distracted by nit-picking himself to do it to me.
 
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