[INFJ] Breaking Up with Someone to Be with Someone Else

Breaking Up with Someone to Be with Someone Else

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This is a discussion on Breaking Up with Someone to Be with Someone Else within the INFJ Forum - The Protectors forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; This was a question on a recent survey on this forum and it made me start thinking. I try to ...

  1. #1
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Breaking Up with Someone to Be with Someone Else

    This was a question on a recent survey on this forum and it made me start thinking. I try to have very high values and live by them as much as possible. I think cheating in relationships is always wrong unless the person can't break up with their SO because the SO would endanger or hurt the person who wanted out.

    I have been in a situation where someone I had loved for years was in an abusive relationship and when he saw how much I was hurt/my PTSD triggered by him clinging to this abusive relationship, he broke up with her and got together with me. I should have said no, for many reasons, but I did not think it was wrong of me to enter into this relationship. Some people might disagree, though. Do any of you find it wrong for someone to break up with someone else to be with you? I generally think someone should wait a little bit before jumping into a new relationship, but I do not see anything morally or ethically wrong with breaking up with someone to be with someone else. The premise was actually breaking up with one person to sleep with another, but I don't have casual sex, so I've changed it a bit to "being in a relationship" with the other person you leave your old relationship for.

    Any thoughts?



  2. #2
    INFJ - The Protectors

    I do not think it's wrong to break up with someone to be with someone else, but of course that is a case-by-case basis. I do think it is important to have some downtime between relationships, especially circumstances like the one you mentioned. If this person was in an obviously abusive relationship, especially for a few years, then downtime seems necessary to regain some composure/collect thoughts. It's not so much that the downtime is to decide whether jumping to a new relationship right away is a good idea or not necessarily, but more-so to look at things from a more objective rather than subjective point of view. Emotions can cloud your view and you might not even realize it until that downtime.
    oxytocinjunkie and unico thanked this post.

  3. #3
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Well the last 3 years of my life have been the hell this kind of behavior invites.

    I still haven't been able to quantify all that has been lost for everyone involved.
    ( I know in the long run, we all gain)

    The relationship you begin, is doomed. I mean.. Look at the foundation you are building on. Trust is never given a chance to flourish because you are always aware of your underhanded origin.

    If it's love, it will wait until the timing is right. If it's love and you don't wait.. You kill love.. It's very sad and the damage is collateral.

    -Someone who learned the hard way.
    Cross thanked this post.

  4. #4
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Quote Originally Posted by unico View Post
    I think cheating in relationships is always wrong unless the person can't break up with their SO because the SO would endanger or hurt the person who wanted out.
    So cheating isn't wrong if "the person can't break up with their SO because the SO would endanger or hurt the person who wanted out"?

    Even so, I think we can both agree that there's just as much risk as one with the other, so may as well do things right and get out of the abusive relationship first (and maybe have some recovery time before diving into another), right?

    BTW, it's not "cheating" if you break up first and you're above-board about the breakup. That said, if it's close in time then you wonder about whether there was in fact cheating, perhaps an emotional affair, that predated the breakup, or of course whether it's a rebound.
    Intricate Mystic and unico thanked this post.

  5. #5
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Quote Originally Posted by redmanINTP View Post
    So cheating isn't wrong if "the person can't break up with their SO because the SO would endanger or hurt the person who wanted out"?

    Even so, I think we can both agree that there's just as much risk as one with the other, so may as well do things right and get out of the abusive relationship first (and maybe have some recovery time before diving into another), right?

    BTW, it's not "cheating" if you break up first and you're above-board about the breakup. That said, if it's close in time then you wonder about whether there was in fact cheating, perhaps an emotional affair, that predated the breakup, or of course whether it's a rebound.
    My mother couldn't get out of my relationship with my father because he would have killed her. Literally. No, if she had an affair while still married to him (because she was scared for her life) I wouldn't consider it unethical.

  6. #6
    INFJ - The Protectors

    You do have a good point about emotional affairs, though -- It's just hazy to know when one of those has started/is in the process, so while I think emotional affairs are wrong, I don't know when they would often consider to have started as opposed to the situation still just being a really strong friendship.

  7. #7
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Quote Originally Posted by unico View Post
    My mother couldn't get out of my relationship with my father because he would have killed her. Literally. No, if she had an affair while still married to him (because she was scared for her life) I wouldn't consider it unethical.
    First of all, sorry for that experience. That sounds like an awful situation.

    Second, I get what you're saying - he certainly doesn't deserve better if he treats people in such a lousy, threatening way.

    That said, however, do you believe that your mother "doing the right thing" is dependent upon your father deserving it? Whether it was avoiding upsetting the status quo by doing nothing, or having an affair, she's avoiding the fundamental problem which is that your father was a real SOB who she shouldn't be married to.

    Sorry if it's coming across as nit-picking, especially on something so personal to you. I'm still not sure the ethics change given your father, although I certainly recognize the practical realities of your mother's quandry.
    unico thanked this post.

  8. #8
    Unknown Personality

    I'm hugely biased in this area, but I'm going to go with no, it's not amoral to break up with someone for someone else, especially if Person Aa is in an abusive relationship.
    unico and fia thanked this post.

  9. #9
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Quote Originally Posted by redmanINTP View Post
    First of all, sorry for that experience. That sounds like an awful situation.

    Second, I get what you're saying - he certainly doesn't deserve better if he treats people in such a lousy, threatening way.

    That said, however, do you believe that your mother "doing the right thing" is dependent upon your father deserving it? Whether it was avoiding upsetting the status quo by doing nothing, or having an affair, she's avoiding the fundamental problem which is that your father was a real SOB who she shouldn't be married to.

    Sorry if it's coming across as nit-picking, especially on something so personal to you. I'm still not sure the ethics change given your father, although I certainly recognize the practical realities of your mother's quandry.
    My mother was an enabler/didn't try to get out (out of fear), which may have been wrong, but I would not consider her having an affair (which she didn't) as unethical. My ethics and morals are not so rigid.

  10. #10
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Quote Originally Posted by unico View Post
    My mother was an enabler/didn't try to get out (out of fear), which may have been wrong, but I would not consider her having an affair (which she didn't) as unethical. My ethics and morals are not so rigid.
    Fair enough, and undoubtedly where my "T" and your "F" start bumping heads. :)
    oxytocinjunkie and unico thanked this post.


 
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