[Anubis]

Why are all my dreams anxiety/stress-related.

Last night I had a dream of getting lost and not finding any of my classes. Then I had a dream police did a random search and found marijuana in my car. Then I had a dream I was back in bully-ville A.K.A High school and I was confronting my fears in even more awkward ways....



I get worn out by these dreams and it's causing me anxiety in daily life

[avatarphen]

I wonder what happiness could look like if we could give it a form..?
The Shape of happiness might resemble glass..
Even though you don't usually notice it, it's still definitely there...
You merely have to change your Point of View slightly..
and that glass will sparkle when it reflects the light..
I doubt that anything could argue its existence more eloquently..

[Jamie.Ether]

Well...

A little over a year ago, I met a guy who seemed so perfect in every way. I can say I foolishly fell for him. I do struggle with feeling pretty stupid, but to be fair with myself, I was very human for being tricked. I have never been addicted to opiates before nor had I ever been close to any addicts [besides alcoholics] so I did not have a list of signs and understandings of what was happening around me. I sensed that something must be off, but my first assumption was not "oh, he is doing heroin". That is not the first thought that runs in my mind upon meeting someone. I guess I was naive in this area, thinking drug addicts were something other than what they are in reality due to my lack of experience with them.

We automatically clicked like I have with no one else in my short life. I was so comfortable with him that I immediately opened up to him and he was not judgemental in the slightest. I felt accepted by him, with no fear. About a month or two in, I became better acquainted with his friend circle and couldn't help but notice that a lot of them used drugs. Then my guy opened up to be a bit and told his tale of how he had gotten into opiates, mostly oxycotin, some time ago but he had overcome it and wanted to help others. Hearing him talk about his drug use in past tense made it seem like it was something very distant and that he now had a clean slate and wanted to help others get there. I thought that was admirable and knowing that I have had many struggles on my own in my past, and seeing how much I have really changed, I thought it was something strong we had in common and assumed he was stronger and wiser for going through some hard times.

Now that I look back, there are signs that he was not okay. But I never saw hard evidence, so I made myself believe the best. He is a very skilled liar, to be fair, as are most addicts after years of it. He would be really tired sometimes, not have much money, would cancel plans often. I just saw him as lazy and flaky, honestly. He worked in manual labor, so it made sense why he would be tired after doing tough physical work all day. And he always had an alibi for where his money went. I knew he was paying off some loans, so him not having much spare cash didn't seem too strange. It upsets me a bit that I appear to be the one who was left in the dark the most [second to his family]. He finally admitted once that he has the most trouble with being open with the people he really cares about the most, which makes sense in a way, but still not a good thing at all. Many of his friends knew about his drug problem. But I guess since those "friends" also had the same drug problem, it was like their little secret and they wouldn't rat on him since they wouldn't want everyone knowing about their identical problems. One of his [once] close friends became close to me and he said he struggled with being honest with me since he felt he would be betraying their friendship by telling me about my boyfriend's drug addiction but he hated watching me so confused and worried.

Long story short, on Easter night he was being weird. He changed the password on his phone and was carrying it close with him everywhere, obviously suspicious. I know it wasn't the best way to do it, but I managed to unlock his phone while he was in the bathroom and found a text between him and some random guy [from earlier that night] where he was asking the guy for heroin.
....
My world kind of went black then.
I told him I saw the text and he immediately lied. He had used some slang for heroin in his text [I am no expert at drug slang]. But I had recently looked online for some definitions so I could be better informed. Anyway, he tried to tell me he was just getting weed and that's what the slang meant. [His weed habit I don't approve of either] He showed no guilt or remorse during his lying and then out of reflex, I slapped him across his face and shouted at him to get out of my house.
He sat on my doorstep for a few hours hoping I would just let him back in. He texted me from there, but with no real explanation or confession, only "sorry" and telling me how he felt bad.

A few days later, he showed up at my door with flowers, shivering like the most frightened child I have ever seen. He looked genuinely sorry and remorseful. He made some promises...you know, what addicts are famous for doing.

I [perhaps foolishly] agreed to be his girlfriend again about a week after we had broken up. It was his birthday and he kept saying how all he wanted for his birthday was me.
I gave into pity and reacted too soon.

Just a couple of days ago, we were supposed to hang out and he texted me with "I have a really bad headache. I think I'm going to ask my dad for a percocet."
I told him that if he took any drugs, not to come over because I refuse to be around him when he is high. Then he promised he wouldn't take any drugs but didn't come over that night because he said he was too tired.
I really just cannot trust him anymore at all.
Upon breaking up, he said he was going to quit. I told him he should go to counseling and/or meetings [like NA] and to tell his family because I know they worry about him and he has been misleading everyone to think he is clean. If anyone can help him, I know his family would.

He has not taken any actions since then, except to say "I will..." He refuses to even talk about this stuff seriously. He just says "sorry" and pouts. And "I've stopped! Calm down!" It shows he really does not understand or care about how much he has hurt me or about how serious his addiction is.

I messaged his sister [who he lives with] and told her about what was going on so she could tell her family since I don't have their contact information and he wasn't telling them anything. She did not respond to me and I know that they have seen each other a lot. He hasn't mentioned anything of it. I don't think he even knows I messaged her. She is ignoring the problem just as much as he is. This really scares me.

...This is just really a terrible situation. I love him to death but know there is nothing more I can do. I have broken up with him again, but unfortunately, I cannot make myself stop caring about him. Whether we are dating or not...I am going to be very concerned about him. I am trying not to become bitter over this. I see that he loves his addiction more than me and am really trying not to take it personally. He has made his own terrible decisions. I just wish I knew a better way to deal with this....GRRRR!!!! IDK :[ It's all made me very depressed and angry.

[ChickenLegs]

...This is just really a terrible situation. I love him to death but know there is nothing more I can do. I have broken up with him again, but unfortunately, I cannot make myself stop caring about him. Whether we are dating or not...I am going to be very concerned about him. I am trying not to become bitter over this. I see that he loves his addiction more than me and am really trying not to take it personally. He has made his own terrible decisions. I just wish I knew a better way to deal with this....GRRRR!!!! IDK :[ It's all made me very depressed and angry.

Thats pretty sad to read and must be hard with your values with drugs being different to his. All I can really say is that both of you guys will have to be willing and able to bend for it to really work out, I think. As for you caring for him, that will be downright hard to just 'give-up'... I would predict that the situation might have to get worse for you to be able to stop caring for him completely...

I also think that it's hard to fix other people. I think he would have to accept his own life and find out for himself how to cross his drug addiction out.

Best of luck

[Rhogh]

I just realized that the two being i thought were my friends are really not.

How on earth do i find myself pushing away those who really care and understand me, blowing everything up with the only girl who loved me (and gosh i loved her so much, if only i had the guts to tell her, it would have changed my life)

I just want what most of people seem to get pretty easily... I've tried dating website but i don't seem to be attractive enough, i rarely exchange more than 2 message with most girls i met online... And then my strangeness make them runaway...

How can i do to attract (interesting, nice and gentle) girls without compromising who I am ?

[SoundlessPaniK]

Where to start...

(I'm sorry that it is scattered and grammatically incorrect [for the grammar nazis lol] my mind is a mess)

My mood: I feel like I could waste away. So much happened at once the past couple days.

Something was amiss as I walked into the kitchen. My mom suggested I call my little sister. As soon as those words escaped, I knew she was pregnant.

She just turned 19 in Jan. Disappointment is how I felt. (Still didn't haven't talked to my sister)

Oh, our cats have fleas and tapeworm after introducing two new kittens into the house. We have 10 cats. One of them is allergic to either the fleas or something. I attempted to assist my mom wash him with medicated shampoo after hearing the news about my sister. Well, we hand-raised him from days after being born. Didn't expect him to go feral on us.

Attacked my face, claws in nose, lips, wrist, a bloody mess. Well, these sudden turn of events coupled with my being an HSP (down to the tee) I snapped and, well, imagine the Hulk's rage. But when he bit my moms wrist and wouldn't let go, drawing blood...I was so worried for my mom I cried and cried they didn't seem to think of it as a big deal which made it worse. I love my mom so much, it scared me so much...


Well the past 3 nights I've had broken sleep due to two of my cats needing isolation in my room for now.

Oh, I didn't mention that I have less than two weeks before BMT. I'll have about 1.5 years of job training afterwards.

It kinda hit me today. All of it.


I feel like I could...







...waste away

[kalli11]

Hi all, new to this. Saw this and I was like finally! I counsel many people from drug addicts at rehab to church folk and teenagers to peers. My husband is a literal, introverted, judging person. So I don't have anybody to vent to. Like a typical INFJ I have few friends and the ones I do have I do not trust enough to share. I would screw some people up at a group therapy session just for giggles. Yes, I have a sarcastic side which I love to employ. I really hate it when people ask me what's wrong. I do not want to waste my breath or my problems on someone who has no idea what's going on. The pressure while okay is sometimes overwhelming, for instance, I'm 26, have an associates degree, live in a rural poverty area, just quit my job due to back injury, and am looking at going back to school for my B.S in Human Services. College and I have a love hate relationship. Love to learn, hate to spend. Wonder what use this will do, my husband has a 4 year degree in religion and is working at a factory. So, there's the idea I get about spending. I'm just trying to figure life out and at 26 I'm tired, seems like every year in my twenties I've encountered the same condundrum and it's getting old. I enjoy counseling, so I figure that's what I'll go into but I worry about getting burned out and/or providing wrong advice (even though it's still a choice). If you don't reply, I don't care, I just need to have some other eyes read this and be like, okay that is what Kalli is up to. You don't know me, I don't know you, which makes this wonderful. :) Thank you for allowing me to vent, I feel better. May the Lord bless you all and well wishes for those who are non-believers, may you find peace as I still search for mine in this cold world. ~~kalli #11~~

[TDMmyriad]

She just turned 19 in Jan. Disappointment is how I felt. (Still didn't haven't talked to my sister)

Talk to your sister! You'll regret it if you don't (and soon). Getting pregnant young is difficult, but it is not the end of the world. I don't know the circumstances (like whether it was on purpose, whether she is in a long-term relationship, etc), but you need to talk otherwise your relationship will be damaged. Which, if you care enough to be disappointed for her, I'm sure you don't want.

You feel down because you are tired. Is there anywhere else you could stay for a bit so that you can get some decent sleep? Everything will seem better when you're less tired.

[SoundlessPaniK]

Talk to your sister! You'll regret it if you don't (and soon). Getting pregnant young is difficult, but it is not the end of the world. I don't know the circumstances (like whether it was on purpose, whether she is in a long-term relationship, etc), but you need to talk otherwise your relationship will be damaged. Which, if you care enough to be disappointed for her, I'm sure you don't want.


You feel down because you are tired. Is there anywhere else you could stay for a bit so that you can get some decent sleep? Everything will seem better when you're less tired.

Well it was an "accident", though her BF really wanted one. So I have my doubts. She lives in California; I'm in Alabama so I hardly talk to her. Phones :cringe:
They've been dating for maybe a year. But you're right. I'll give her a call. She needs family now more than ever.


And the sleep thing? Totally right! I went running after taking my favorite workout buddy "Jack3d" so I'm super perky. ^w^ Not the best idea I know but the last several days have been full of anxiety. I nearly broke down in front of my mom today...it was too much. I felt dead inside...next thing I know tears were drizzling down...mom comforted me, said it's okay to cry, etc... I won't get into the details but I went from just a thin strand before bawling my eyes out to uncontrollable laughter because the Hallmark movie that my mom was watching mimicked the situation "IT'S OKAY! LET IT ALL OUT!" I couldn't resist, too funny. XD


I really need to let it all out though...




Thanks again :3 I'll give her a call right now.

[eros5th]

This isn't super important but I figured I'd just throw it out there...

I've been applying to a million marketing jobs for about 8 months now and nothing works out. The funny thing is I hated my marketing internship and I hated my marketing classes. Yet because of my previous work experience in it I feel pigeonholed. My intuition keeps telling me to become a social worker. I don't understand why I have this voice in the back of my mind always telling me "You don't find a marketing job because it's not meant for you, you're meant to do social work."

I don't know what to do. To go into debt for a degree that doesn't pay "well" and I may burn out in according to what I've read from other social workers makes me so nervous. Since I have no student loans now and actually have a surplus in money saved.

I'm so lost...