[curious0610]

I copied this from the INTJs. I'm curious as to how other INFJs would label 'attachment steps' in their friendships with others in real life.



I noticed with INTJs, there's a lot of observations and studying going on in the first stages. And also what seems to be like an evaluation of intelligence... how about us? Any INFJs want to take a stab at trying to explain what our stages and steps are like?

[Vivid Melody]

I'd say it's the same for INFJ's as it is with INTJ's except we're evaluating a persons authenticity, judging their character. If we see that's great we may be inclined to open up to them. Normally I don't open up to somebody until they've opened up to me first.

[Hokahey]

What are the 'attachment steps'? Sorry for my ignorance on this.

[unico]

1. Noticing if someone seems friendly and open to talking with me freely and honestly
2. Finding out what we have in common
3. Seeing if their values are compatible with mine (they don't have to be the same as mine)
4. Spending time together getting to know each other more
5. The person seems compassionate and sincerely interested in me and emotionally open
6. I deeply attach myself to the person -- often more than they attach to me -- and i become very loyal

I enjoy intellectual conversations, but I don't evaluate a person's intelligence per se. I don't need friends to score similarly on fairly meaningless standardized tests to relate to them or befriend them.

[Goaty]

1. Cautiously observe from a distance.
2. Decide if said person is interesting.
3. If not, don't interact; if so, interact.

That's about as complex as it gets.

[ukinfj]

1) Gut reaction on first being confronted with the person - do I feel comfortable?
2) If yes, sit with the person among others and watch them interact. Probably don't talk much at this point.
3) Go along to events that they will be at if invited and hang around with them (usually among others)
4) After doing this many, many, many times feeling that there is some trust between us, ask for their phone number.
5) Invite them to do something with me.
6) Occasionally text to keep in touch.
7) After about three years, I consider them a friend.

I'm not even joking!

This is only in the case of friendships. If it is a potential romantic partner, it goes like this:
1) Find them attractive
2) Meet them, decide if I find them comfortable to be with.
3) Sleep with them.
4) Hang around with them a bit and decide if we have enough in common and whether I can put with their flaws.
5) If yes, begin a relationship.
6) After three months, review - do I feel love?
7) If yes continue. If not break up.

Much simpler than friendships. Making friendships is hard. Romance is second nature.

[Verlavender]

1) Gut reaction on first being confronted with the person - do I feel comfortable?
2) If yes, sit with the person among others and watch them interact. Probably don't talk much at this point.
3) Go along to events that they will be at if invited and hang around with them (usually among others)
4) After doing this many, many, many times feeling that there is some trust between us, ask for their phone number.
5) Invite them to do something with me.
6) Occasionally text to keep in touch.
7) After about three years, I consider them a friend.

I'm not even joking!

This is only in the case of friendships. If it is a potential romantic partner, it goes like this:
1) Find them attractive
2) Meet them, decide if I find them comfortable to be with.
3) Sleep with them.
4) Hang around with them a bit and decide if we have enough in common and whether I can put with their flaws.
5) If yes, begin a relationship.
6) After three months, review - do I feel love?
7) If yes continue. If not break up.

Much simpler than friendships. Making friendships is hard. Romance is second nature.

Regarding romantic steps:

Just to clarify Step #3, do you sleep in the same or different beds?

[ukinfj]

Just to clarify Step #3, do you sleep in the same or different beds?

Neither. I just sleep at the same time as them.

[Goodewitch]

I had to really think about this one. I didnt think I had an attachemnt style, as most people seem to just attach to me in a process of long term step by step exposure. Its best described as 'passive' I guess? This seems to work for both freinds and romantic situations,
1. Be uniformly polite and freindly in a quite reserved way to the person. (If they like me, they will then usually take steps to be around me again.)
2. Start talking on a deeper level, find out about their values, principles, thoughts, etc, share some of mine.
3. Humour,.if we share this, or we 'get' each other,..this is now a comfy freind. i can tolerate a few hours in the presence of such a person, without being too drained.

For romantic relationships, after number 3 comes head over heels infatuation on my part. I may not want to spend loads of time with them, or iniate meetings, but I will think of them constantly.
4. Spending more time together,.. this is the tricky stage,.. this is where the 'panic' sets in for me, wondering if i can tolerate time spent with this person, in a 'forever' situation.This is the 'reality check' stage. More often than not, things fall apart at this stage for me. I often start to emotionally and physically distance myself from the person at this stage. To reflect and see how much I miss their presence.
5 This stage is hardly ever reached,..total comfort with the persons constant presence, miss them when theyre not around,..to me, this stage is as close to 'love' as i feel I can get. Infatuation and limerance is easy for me,.. bein comfortable with someones constant presence is not. If they make this stage, I am fond of them for life. This is my ultimate 'attachment'.
G. x

Edit: Looking back over what I've written, it makes me sound rather cold and arrogant, as if i wait for people to chase me all the time. I am actually very warm when in the company of people,.. its just that i cant keep it up for long, :) I also take LTR's seriously, and use that withdrawing period as a serious analysis of wether its viable to stay attached to that person, or leave, thereby preventing mself or them being 'strung along' in a relationship thats going to go nowhere.
G. x

[curious0610]

@Hokahey - this is the INTJ thread on attachment steps i was referencing: Attachment Steps.

@VividMelody - I think I do something similar in that I try to get a sense of that person's sincerity or selflessness in intentions, although i haven't really figured this out