[colysan]

Hello fellow PersonalityCafeers,
since there are repeated questions about limerence, I decided on writing a series of articles about it during the next days and weeks to come :).

So let's get started right away:

It is not love. It is the force of evolution expressed as the compulsion for the particular, the particular one above all others. Often, it is called love...[5]

Part 1 - What is this thing called limerence?

Introduction and characteristics of limerence

The term "limerence" was introduced by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in her work on romantic love, especially Love and Limerence: The Experience of being in love.

The term is "used to describe an involuntary state of mind which seems to result from a romantic attraction for another person". [1]

The basic concept is the scientific approach to the field of romantic love. [2]

The object of your passionate desire is oftentimes called Limerent Object or (in short) LO.

Very typical for limerence is the obsessive need to have one's feelings reciprocated, along the following basic components [3]:

• intrusive thinking about the LO
• acute longing for reciprocation
• dependancy of mood on your interpretation of LO's actions with respect to the probability of reciprocation
• inability to react limerently to more than one person at a time (with an exception at low levels of limerence)
• fear of rejection
• increasing discomfort and feeling of tension when uncertainty increases
• acute sensitivity to any act, thought or condition that can be interpreted favorably
• an extraordinary ability to devise or invent "reasonable" explanations for why the neutrality that the disinterested observer might see is in fact a sign of hidden passion in the LO
• the feeling of ecstasy when reciprocation is evident or interpreted that way
• deep depressive mood after rejection seems evident or hope is decreased [4]
• intensification through adversity
• a general intensity of feelings and emotions that leaves other concerns in the background
• crystallization of the LO

It has to be noted that limerence is, although very common among humans, not an universal state which applies to everyone. In contrast to limerents there are also the Non-limerents. [6]

Hence, according to limerence theory, there are three possible (romantic) bonds: [7][8]

• Nonlimerent-Nonlimerent / Affectional bond: relationships in which neither partner is limerent
• Limerent-Nonlimerent bond: relationships in which one partner is limerent
• Limerent-Limerent bond: relationships in which both partners are limerent

The bulk of relationships are limerent-nonlimerent bonds which are characterized by unequal reciprocation.

What increases limerence ?

The limerent reaction feeds upon the right mixture of uncertainty and hope.

The objective that the limerent person pursues, as is clear in the fantasy that occupies virtually very waking moment, is a "return of feelings". The ecstatically blissful moment, toward which the long fantasies progress and in which the LO gives what the limerent accepts as clear indication that the limerent goal has been achieved.[9]

Uncertainty about LO's true reaction is an essential aspect of limerence. Removal of uncertainty is another main goal, and since that desire is so unrelenting, so imperative, the limerent continually searches for the meanings underlaying events.

Whenever hope or uncertainty is increased, the limerent symptoms become more severe.



The duration of limerence

Tennov finds that both states, the state of limerence and non-limerence tend to endure, although the reasons are different. Limerence is sustained because one of its aspects is the desire for limerence itself. This desire transcends the feelings directed toward a particular LO and persists even after preoccupation with that LO has diminished to a low level.
In comparison to the non-limerent, for which the issue concerns more "rational" goals, the limerent it is more of a passionate, involuntary yearning.
For the non-limerents a relationship may be very much desired, but failure of attainment does not produce the type of intense misery that may be unique to limerence. [10]

The general duration of limerence is hard to estimate, as it relies on a variety of individual factors.
It can range from a couple of days up to a lifetime. Tennov's estimation for the average duration of limerence is two years [11], although other estimates put it at 6 months to three years.

Physical effects of limerence[12]

The physiological correlations of limerence are heart palpitations, trembling, pallor, flushing, pupil dilation and general weakness. Awkwardness, stuttering, shyness, confusion predominate at the behavioral level. There may be sickness, headaches, etc., and loss of appetite, dizziness and passing out: the latter very rarely happens, but can take place when the person is deeply in love with the limerent object.

A condition of sustained alertness, a heightening of awareness and an enormous fund of energy to deploy in pursuit of the limerent aim is developed. The sensation of limerence is felt in the midpoint of the chest, bottom of the throat, guts, or in some cases in the abdominal region. This can be interpreted as ecstasy at times of mutuality, but its presence is most noticeable during despair at times of rejection.

Limerence and infatuation - where is the difference?

One of the main differences is the level of anxiety in regard to fear of rejection.
While being in a limerent state the fear of rejection can be overwhelming and actually prevents the limerent from interaction with the LO. Every behavior and sometimes even thought is constantly checked against whether it would make the limerent more favorable in the eyes of the LO.
This is also one essential reason for the fantasy part of limerence. Fantasy gives the limerent transient relief from the limerent desire and longing, but is always somehow rooted in reality.
Most of the times it reaches its height in a situation where the limerent perceives the limerent goal to be attained (as mentioned before).
This leads to severe insecureness and shyness in the presence of the LO, especially when in the imagined situation.

What role plays sexuality in limerence?

According to Tennov's work, awareness of physical attraction (even if consciously suppressed) plays a key role in the development of limerence.
It rather depends on the meaning attached to sex - the limerent meaning.
Since the correlation of sexuality and limerence is rather complex, it will be discussed in a separate article.




Happily looking forward to any comments, more articles to follow :).



Footnotes:
[1] Limerence - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia - Introduction - retrieved 23/04/2011
[2] Limerence - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia - Characteristics - retrieved 23/04/2011
[3] Tennov, Dorothy - Love and Limerence, 1999, p.23/24
[4] not part of [3]
[5] Tennov, Dorothy - Love and Limerence, 1999, inlay
[6] Tennov, Dorothy - Love and Limerence, 1999, p. 110ff.
[7] Human bonding - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia - Pair bonding - retrieved 23/04/2011
[8] Tennov, Dorothy - Love and Limerence, 1999, p. 130-140
[9] Tennov, Dorothy - Love and Limerence, 1999, p. 57ff.
[10] Tennov, Dorothy - Love and Limerence, 1999, p. 140ff.
[11] Tennov, Dorothy - Love and Limerence, 1999, p. 142
[12] Limerence - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia - Physical effects - retrieved 23/04/2011,
[12] Limerence - Afraid of Rejection in Love - How to Get Over It? - The effects of limerence - retrieved 23/04/2011

[Decoy24601]

Thank you so much for writing this. I am trying to get over my limerence. Not an easy thing to do, if it can be done at all.

Will there be a section on advice on how to get over a limerence? lol

[Vaan]

thanks for writing this, i always try to tell people to really think about the power of the word "Limerance" before using it ^^

[CynicallyNaive]

The term is used to describe the involuntary state of mind which seems to origin from romantic attraction for another person.

Umm... it's good that you cited your source but just for future reference, changing a couple of words in a sentence does not change the fact that it's a direct quotation so the verbatim part needs quotation marks. Just FYI in case you do any other academic writing.

Good topic. I look forward to the discussion.

What i'm most eager to hear opinions about is, how do you distinguish nascent love from limerence?

Is limerence only when it's unrequited? What if you actually think it could be requited, either at present or in the future, and you actually have solid evidence for that notion? (No, "I can just tell she wants to leave her husband and fall in love with me," is not solid evidence. I'm talking about specifically about an uncommitted LO here.)

Does limerence require a component of obsession? If so, where do you draw the line? Am i like the addict who actually wants to feed his obsession when i think about someone quite a bit? What if i could discipline my mind if i wanted to, but i'm not sure if i want to?

# acute longing for reciprocation
# dependancy of mood on your interpretation of LO's actions with respect to the probability of reciprocation

OK, but how are those different from true love?

More to the point, how is this different from a healthy way an INFP might desire love? Or did Tennov build a franchise by coining a term to mean, "How INFPs love" (with the implication that there's something disordered about it)?

[colysan]

Thank you so much for writing this. I am trying to get over my limerence. Not an easy thing to do, if it can be done at all.

Will there be a section on advice on how to get over a limerence? lol

I've done research on limerence for round about 6 months now. I've worked my way through so many stories plus hundreds and thousands of posts over at the limerence tribe, so my plan is to separate articles in superficial stuff like this article and more in-depth articles.

My current idea is to cover the following topics (amongst other topics):
- Limerence in general
- Collection of threads on the topic of limerence on PerC
- Subtypes and -definitions of limerence
- Superficial causes of limerence
- Deep causes and roots of limerence
- The connection of limerence and sexuality
- Limerence in society, writing and music
- The dark side of limerence
- Advice and ethics for the Non-limerent LO
- Superficial ideas to overcome limerence
- Deep ideas to fight limerence
- The purpose of limerence / raison d'être du limerence
- ...

Then I dare to slowly approach towards the ultimate topic of "true love":
- The affectional bond
- The distinction between friendship and relationship
- Evolutionary concepts of true love

Umm... it's good that you cited your source but just for future reference, changing a couple of words in a sentence does not change the fact that it's a direct quotation so the verbatim part needs quotation marks. Just FYI in case you do any other academic writing.

Well, I was thinking about to what extend it would make sense to work purely scientific. This first article is still in large parts extracted from already established (mostly) scientific work, so my thinking was to just summarize it up, including the sources for further reading.
By no means I claim this, or the articles to follow, to be scientifically or academically correct :).
I've never worked with changed sentences to be honest. Normally it would be
"exact quote [change]". But how do you quote correctly when changing more than half the sentence?
Thanks for the tip though .

Good topic. I look forward to the discussion.

Honestly? Sometimes I feel like the only soul working/researching on the topic, I'm really, really glad whenever I find someone else who is also interested into the topic :).
So yeah, I'm really looking forward to some discussions, as limerence is such a powerful and deep topic. When I first read about the topic I wondered why I never heard about the concept when it is in fact so fundamentally linked in our whole society.

What i'm most eager to hear opinions about is, how do you distinguish nascent love from limerence?

Is limerence only when it's unrequited? What if you actually think it could be requited, either at present or in the future, and you actually have solid evidence for that notion? (No, "I can just tell she wants to leave her husband and fall in love with me," is not solid evidence. I'm talking about specifically about an uncommitted LO here.)

Does limerence require a component of obsession? If so, where do you draw the line? Am i like the addict who actually wants to feed his obsession when i think about someone quite a bit? What if i could discipline my mind if i wanted to, but i'm not sure if i want to?

OK, but how are those different from true love?

More to the point, how is this different from a healthy way an INFP might desire love? Or did Tennov build a franchise by coining a term to mean, "How INFPs love" (with the implication that there's something disordered about it)?

Although it might sound like it, Tennov never intended to make it sound like a mental disease or distortion. In fact she expresses that several times in her work.
I think her bias was, as it is most often in psychological research, to overly focus on the negative things of the phenomenon. Just think of the whole branch of "positive psychology"...

To your question on nascent love:
That is related to the question I am currently looking for a solution myself:
To what extend is a relationship without limerence possible? How does it develop?
At the beginning of learning about limerence I thought that it is a rather rare case phenomenon,
but the power and potency of limerence became more obvious to me when I tried to describe the processes of love without the word 'love' itself.

In fact, a relationship which is built upon an affectional bond from the beginning is so incredibly rare; it's hard to find even a single example.
Just look at this thread I created:
The mysterious friendship which becomes a relationship
Then the pairs I'm offering counselling to...I still have the hopes that it's possible, but the odds seem to be astronomical...
My feeling says in 98% of all cases it's limerence/infatuation -> affectional bond.

Most partners which come to counselling miss the feeling of "being in love".
After reintroducing the concepts of limerence back into the relationship they seem to be fine and happy again.

Sometimes I really am disappointed by science, I mean we are in the 21st century and are only at the beginning of understanding the most powerful force human kind knows: love...

[unico]

I find this very interesting and also experienced an intense relationship while in limerence and it was disastrous. I'm still trying to get over it.

[Tootsie]

I'm still trying to get over my LO....I will keep watching this thread.

[CynicallyNaive]

To what extend is a relationship without limerence possible? How does it develop?

That is a very good question, sir. I look forward to further musings (yours, everyone's) on the topic.

In fact, a relationship which is built upon an affectional bond from the beginning is so incredibly rare; it's hard to find even a single example.
Just look at this thread I created:
The mysterious friendship which becomes a relationship
Then the pairs I'm offering counselling to...I still have the hopes that it's possible, but the odds seem to be astronomical...
My feeling says in 98% of all cases it's limerence/infatuation -> affectional bond.

Hmmm.... this is interesting. Ironically my LO and i agree that it should work in the friendship/affection -> infatuation direction. Easier said than done, eh?

[saintless]

If I may take a fairly negative, skeptical stance (without offending of course), I couldn't help but wonder if this is like restless leg syndrome. You know the syndrome pharmaceutical companies made up in order to sell more drugs?

I noticed it was already mentioned that Tennov stressed that limerence is not suppose to be a new mental disorder or anything, but regardlessly it is a new label for age-old behaviors. Where is the benefit of this new classification of romantic behavior, and why can't we stick with the ordinary terms we already have such as "infatuation" and "affection"?

Also, what if love is just love (or merely just lust)? We all have unique ways of responding to love, so to what extent are these nuance classifications of love needed?

I am pretty sure I am not so ignorant that I could not fathom the benefit of classification and research, but even though I know I will know sound impressively redundant: what is the exact and specific need here?

[Decoy24601]

If I may take a fairly negative, skeptical stance (without offending of course), I couldn't help but wonder if this is like restless leg syndrome. You know the syndrome pharmaceutical companies made up in order to sell more drugs?

I noticed it was already mentioned that Tennov stressed that limerence is not suppose to be a new mental disorder or anything, but regardlessly it is a new label for age-old behaviors. Where is the benefit of this new classification of romantic behavior, and why can't we stick with the ordinary terms we already have such as "infatuation" and "affection"?

Also, what if love is just love (or merely just lust)? We all have unique ways of responding to love, so to what extent are these nuance classifications of love needed?

I am pretty sure I am not so ignorant that I could not fathom the benefit of classification and research, but even though I know I will know sound impressively redundant: what is the exact and specific need here?

I'm sorry, but your post deeply offended me. My mom and I both have restless leg syndrome, it's like insomnia, but with added fidgetiness and tingling of your body parts. Believe me when I tell you, it is a real medical condition. Pharmaceutical companies didn't "make up" it in order to sell more "drugs". My mom can't even find one that works well for her that doesn't give her a bunch of side effects. It has caused her to become so tired from lack of sleep she couldn't remember if she took her medication (other condition), and ended up double dosing and almost dying and riding in an ambulance to the hospital. Believe me, that's not a pretty picture to come home to and isn't caused by some "made up" condition.

Specific need for information on limerence? Because maybe limerence has ruined someones lives. Maybe they can't go through a single day without thinking of their LO and breaking down into an anxiety attack and tears. Maybe they can't find almost any joy in the world because every single little thing reminds them of their LO. Maybe someone wants help, to try and overcome it. All the flashbacks of past memories, the dreams, you can't move on. You want to love your current boyfriend, you do love him. But you can't move on, you don't feel capable of ever expressing romantic affection again because you are too stuck in the limerence and the past.