[Nadir]

I've been wondering: what's the most important trait for you in a (prospective) romantic partner? Does it differ from what you prefer in a friend?



I'm asking because I met a very wonderful man a few months ago, who I'm almost certain is an infj. We'd been talking constantly and playing games with each other's intuition and beginning to get to know each other, and he seemed to find me interesting, or at least, he told me so.. It was as if we'd started something quite unusual that would normally be unattainable, like from a fairy-tale; the kind of naive idea you might have as a kid and grow out of the hard way.

But recently he's revealed that he's in a relationship. He apologised awkwardly and we didn't talk for a little while... but now we've started talking again; he seems addicted to the 'mind-games' we have and my ramblings. From the little he's told me about his girlfriend, she sounds like an 's', so they wouldn't have that in common.. I just don't understand, it seems like we're so good for each other, but evidently he has other ideas, yet he's perfectly happy to use me intellectually and even to flirt..

So it's just made me wonder... what do you infjs truly value in someone? (Sorry about the venting.)

[Decoy24601]

For me, it is not one trait, but a combination.
-Listening
-Caring
-Loving
-Deep

I'm rather picky when it comes to relationships.

Don't give up, but don't push him. He may not know completely how he feels about you yet. But he may also be falling out of love with his partner.

I have known this INFJ for a year and half. It became obvious he liked me. I just wasn't sure if I felt the same way, and I had a boyfriend. After a long time, I realized I never really loved my boyfriend, I just went out with him and convinced myself I did as to spare his feelings. I broke up with my boyfriend, realizing it was wrong to go on even if I didn't go out with that INFJ. I asked the INFJ for some friendly advice, and he gave friendly advice in return. He ended up confessing that he had liked me and asked me out. My Fe clicked then, and I knew I was in love with him. So, I accepted.

Sometimes in INFJ's Fe takes a long time to make up its mind and sends mixed signals. His Fe might be messing with him like it did me.

Give it time, and just be there for him. Time will tell weather he likes his gf more or you.

[ertertwert]

The most important thing for me is respect. I want someone who respects me as much as I respect them. Differences are welcome/encouraged.

[bengalcat]

The most important trait for me in a partner is kindness. I'd like that in a friend as well, but it's vital in a partner.

There are people I'm attracted to for their ideas, wit, imagination and intellect, but that just gives me the attraction. It is a good start but not enough for me to feel confident about starting a committed relationship with them. Playfulness is the common denominator in my relationships with anyone I'm close to, friends, partner and family.

Other things I require in a partner:

- they have a good heart (they seem well-intentioned and that they don't generally "use" people)
- have some gentleness (they're not going to bully)
- they have compatible values for things I consider really important
- they're able and willing to talk things through when we clash (they try hard to understand other points of views and are open to learning)

I've had friends and been attracted to people who didn't have all these qualities, but I would never be in a romantic relationship with them. People can have a beautiful appearance or an intriguing mind, but a good soul makes the relationship deep, and a mature outlook gives it a better chance of succeeding.

[bengalcat]

If he is an INFJ and he made a commitment to this girlfriend, it's not going to be easy for him to drop her and scoop you up just because you have good rapport together. And our descriptions of what we value are not going to tell you what he sees in his girlfriend and why he wants to stay in that relationship.

I can understand your frustration and disappointment though, I really hope he's being careful and knows what he's doing. Please look after your interests, if you're starting to feel used in any way then that's something you really need to pay attention to.

[Zomboy]

I've become so alien to relationships that I don't even know what I'm looking for in a girl anymore.

I'm actually beginning to debate whether or not I want one at all.

[ertertwert]

I'm going to call bullshit. :) Humans are social creatures. Maybe you've gotten used to living single, but everyone yearns for a real connection with another soul. At least I'd like to think so.

[Zomboy]

I'm going to call bullshit. :) Humans are social creatures. Maybe you've gotten used to living single, but everyone yearns for a real connection with another soul. At least I'd like to think so.

Call bullshit all you like. I'm 23 years old, a virgin, and my longest relationship lasted two weeks. Sure, I'd like that kind of a connection, but it's not going to happen.

I think the only reason I wanted a girl is because of my mommy (or lack thereof) issues anyway. Ideally I guess you could say I'd like a girl who would take care of me. But I'm too hard to take care of, so that's unrealistic to hope for. Haven't you guys seen the threads I post when I get emotional? Who the hell in their right mind would wanna put up with that?

All in all I think I'm resigning to the fact that I am just better off single.

[ertertwert]

If you want to fool yourself don't let me stop you...

I lost my virginity at 21 which is pretty late these days. You just haven't met someone who can appreciate you. Also, keep in mind that if you want to be in a relationship you should bring something to the table. If you just want someone to take care of you then you are defeating your chances. Give and take.

[Zomboy]

If you want to fool yourself don't let me stop you...

I've always been a fan of the idea that the best way for me to show a girl I love her is to just stay the hell away.

I've got no right bringing someone else into my disaster of a life.

I lost my virginity at 21 which is pretty late these days. You just haven't met someone who can appreciate you. Also, keep in mind that if you want to be in a relationship you should bring something to the table. If you just want someone to take care of you then you are defeating your chances. Give and take.

That's what I'd like in return. When I've been in my past relationships, I've given my heart out to these girls. I try to be the most loving and appreciative boyfriend ever. I work extra super hard to break the 'uncaring asshole' stereotype. In all my relationships, I did the dumping because I was always getting pressured into sex. For some reason, sex was always the main perogative for them... In a way, I think they were just trying to use me like the stereotype I was trying so hard to bust.

Call me weird if you like, but that's why I think I'm better off single. Sex is a big sign of commitment from me. It will take a lot of trust to get that far... Exactly how much, I don't even know myself.