[MeAgain]

I met a wonderful guy 3 months ago and since the day we met we have talked/texted for hours a day every day. He lives 9 hours away but he drives once a month to see me and we have a great time. My question is; pretty early on he seemed to know I am "The One" and he gets frustrated to my responses when he asks how I feel about him. I tell him I like him alot, I enjoy his company, I miss him when he's not around, etc. which to me are signs that he could possibly be "The One" but there's just no way of knowing so soon. He thinks that I should know already and that if I don't then maybe we are just friends. Then he goes off on this pity party, "Its okay, I'd rather be your friend then nothing at all, I'm always second choice never the first," and so on. It is so frustrating because I didn't say I just wanted to be friends I just said I need more time with him before I'll know. When I try to be generous with my positive feelings about him he starts talking about marrying me. Again, I could see myself possibly marrying him someday but after 3 months?? I just can't know that already.

So my question is, is this typical INFJ behavior? It seems to me based on other posts I've read that INFJ's are typically slow to show their feelings and to get attached. If this is typical, how can I take my time with my feelings without him giving up on me? Some background info: We are in our mid-30's, I was recently divorced after 13 years of marraige, his past relationships have all been abusive, and we live 9 hours apart, although he is making plans to move here as soon as he gets a job.

Any insight would be extremely helpful as I don't want to mess this up. Also, I can give more info if it seems I missed something. Thanks!

[Navis Amoris]

Well, based on my observations it's typical for INFJs to develop intense feelings for that special person they like very quickly and tend to fantasize about being together forever, and what their lives together will look like. As far as expressing those feelings goes, it seems to go both ways really. Some INFJs don't want to get shot down and try to protect their feelings by being very cautious. Other INFJs try to be more direct because they want the cards on the table so to avoid wasting time on relationships that won't work out anyway.

I personally proposed to my wife 3 days after meeting her, after waiting for 'the one' and never being in a relationship before that. I made it clear to her the moment I met her that I was looking for something serious that would result in marriage though, not just a fling. So I knew before we really started talking that it was mutual, because she expressed similar views. I don't think this is normal for an INFJ, though. And looking at it objectively, it was a rushed decission (although one I'm very happy I made, because after a long-ass engagement and 4 years down the road, we're very happy). Sometimes (gut) feelings override logic and social norms, also for the INFJ.

If I were you I'd make sure the two of you are on the same page commitment-wise before he does move there. If you're not ready to make that kind of commitment yet, don't give him any reason to believe you are. It would be better for the both of you.

edit: since you asked for insight so as to not mess it up... Be wary: I have on one occasion "INFJ door slammed" an ENFP for giving me the feeling I was more important to them than I later percieved I actually was. Even if this wasn't actually the case, the way ENFPs can be very outgoing and get (too) close with just about anyone they like can seriously ruffle an INFJ's feathers.

[Introspiritual]

The general pattern I find is that we tend to hold off on getting attached until we're sure, and then we fall off of a cliff (relatively speaking). At that point, we're determined about our decision and can get a bit flustered if the other person isn't at the same point. So in the grand scheme of things, it's relatively normal, but the pity party stuff is a bit worrisome.

Also, I noticed you didn't have your Enneagram type filled out as well - figuring out where you both stand there might give some more insight as to what's going on with each other, and on how to proceed with things.

[MeAgain]

"Other INFJs try to be more direct because they want the cards on the table so to avoid wasting time on relationships that won't work out anyway."

That is it exactly. He says he is to old to be wasting time dating when what he really wants is marraige. Of course, I thought that was the point of dating, to see if you want to get married. After he said that a few times I said, "Do you really think you are wasting time on me?" He said no and hasn't said that again since. I've been following the advice I read on this board and make sure I'm honest about my feelings at all times and that seems to help.

I asked him why he keeps telling me he is okay just being friends and he basically said he is trying to protect himself in case I inevitably say it. So I keep reassuring him I definitely like him as more than a friend, I just want to enjoy the process of getting to know him. He seems to have a hard time staying in the moment, the more fun we are having the more he talks about the future. It is nice to have an awesome guy that sees a future with me it just feels a little fast to me.

[HorribleAesthete]

I think your feelings and requests are quite reasonable, particularly considering your recent divorce. I feel that his demands are a unreasonable. Three months is a very short time. I do not understand why he is forcing the issue. I think relationships, especially between two people with sufficient years of experience and perspective, should flow, should develop naturally and gradually. I am in my late thirties, and though I have experienced intense feelings similar to his when I was younger and inexperienced, time has taught me not to push a good thing. If it is, as you say, the right thing, then it will continue to be so. If it is not, then forcing a major commitment will not make it so, and could potentially complicate things. The two of you are just starting out, still in the rapturous stages of getting to know one another. You like him. He likes you. After three months, that should be sufficient.

In my opinion, three months is far to early to begin talking about marriage. I am not saying that people do not meet, click, and fall victim to a whirlwind romance resulting in a hasty marriage that lasts forever. If I were the marrying type, and believed in the notion, I personally would not marry anyone until I had known her for at least two years, probably more, and lived with her for much of that time.

While I do not really believe in meant-to-bes or "the One," I do believe in compatibility and genuine love. I see no harm whatsoever in your continuing with the way things are. Is there a sacrifice on his part as far as moving to be near you? Is he making a choice that could effect other parts of his life (giving up a job, selling a house, etc.)? It could be that he wants a degree of certainty before embarking upon something life-changing. Perhaps finding someone with whom he clicks on a deep level and who is not abusive has somewhat clouded his judgement, and he does not want to lose you, but ironically is potentially doing just that (I am INFJ and insecurity was long one of my traits when I was much younger). Frankly, actually saying that he is "always second choice" is a tad melodramatic, and, though it is sweet that he would wish to have you as a friend if not something more, it is an equally odd thing to say since you made no such connotations.
I am not you, of course, but such behavior would be the end of it for me. I am not saying that this is what you should do, however.

I think that you are doing the right thing in being honest with him. It is something he will have to accept or not. If he is really into you, then the hours of talking, texting, and just being on your company should be all the convincing he needs. If it works out, it works out, if not it is not the end of the world. Some things cannot be controlled, no matter how much we may wish it so. I have never understood this notion of wasting time. Every moment is the present and there are no guarantees.

[Navis Amoris]

That is it exactly. He says he is to old to be wasting time dating when what he really wants is marraige. Of course, I thought that was the point of dating, to see if you want to get married. After he said that a few times I said, "Do you really think you are wasting time on me?" He said no and hasn't said that again since.

What dating is about depends on what kind of person you are. For me, the point of dating is to see if there's anything that comes up that could make me change my mind about marrying. I wouldn't even think about dating a girl that I couldn't (seriously and in the not-so-distant future) see myself marrying. It's the reverse way of looking at it.

Anyone would say no to that question, the question is too loaded. So it doesn't tell you anything about how he (still) feels about it. If I project myself onto him (as an Enneagram 6, specifically), I figure I'd be thinking "I don't know if I'm wasting my time. That's what I want to know. Give me some damn certainty. I love you, but your indecisiveness is killing me". (But I'm not saying that it's definitely what he is thinking, or that it is even reasonable to think that. It's a typical Enneagram 6 thought process which would probably not apply to him if he's not- but based on the limited information you've given about him, he could very well be).

[MeAgain]

That's what I'm afraid of - the "INFJ door slam".

[MeAgain]

Yes, I think you may be right, he is likely a 6 "Affectionate and Skeptical", that would be him in a nutshell, lol. Mine is number 3, "Motivator". I don't know much about the Enneagrams, I'll have to read up on it.

[DreamTheater]

Love is a transient beast. Be careful where you tread, because people aren't always what they seem to be. Abandon hope all ye who enter here. My best advice.

[starrynightvm]

I met a wonderful guy 3 months ago and since the day we met we have talked/texted for hours a day every day. He lives 9 hours away but he drives once a month to see me and we have a great time. My question is; pretty early on he seemed to know I am "The One" and he gets frustrated to my responses when he asks how I feel about him. I tell him I like him alot, I enjoy his company, I miss him when he's not around, etc. which to me are signs that he could possibly be "The One" but there's just no way of knowing so soon. He thinks that I should know already and that if I don't then maybe we are just friends. Then he goes off on this pity party, "Its okay, I'd rather be your friend then nothing at all, I'm always second choice never the first," and so on. It is so frustrating because I didn't say I just wanted to be friends I just said I need more time with him before I'll know. When I try to be generous with my positive feelings about him he starts talking about marrying me. Again, I could see myself possibly marrying him someday but after 3 months?? I just can't know that already.

I had an extremely similar experience with a guy I recently found out was INFJ and knowing the type explains a great deal. I still don't entirely understand the decisions but i'm getting there...

We dated for 7 months, he would send roses to my office after the first date, then many times more (just because), he took me on surprise weekend trips, he introduced me to his grandparents, took me on a vacation abroad where I met his parents extended family etc. I've met all of his friends, all of whom he loves and they love me. He was always telling me that I was perfect and seemed like he couldn't get enough of me. Then at 5 months he told me that I would have to break up with him, "because there's no way I would ever break up with you, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me." and to that I was extremely hurt by this. But i think he just kept thinking how he couldn't possibly sustain the situation, and was maybe preparing himself for what he thought as me inevitably breaking up with him. A little silly when you see the big picture.

All the while I always thought the same thing of him, he's perfect and the one. I now see that neither of us blew open how we really felt, i think he was waiting me to say so first. And I never did because I like a natural progression and I don't really say my affection as readily as others.

He broke up with me 2 months later after dating exactly 7 months. He has since texted, called, emailed me wanted to see me, not as often. And we've hung out where its exactly like before. This confusing me, and me being an INTJ, I wrote a letter outlining my confusions, but the letter was full of ideas and not emotions, I imagine this is what ultimately broke his heart.

I think he's gone off the deep end. He told me he wants to be single, I "caught" him trying to sleep around to forget about me, but without success...

I think that this is a sign of an INFJ who feels extremely vulnerable. Anyway the conclusion to this is that you're not alone, and luckily it sounds like your situation is better because you guys seem to communicate. My advice is don't worry about expressing the "ideas" as much as expressing your feelings. Constantly constantly remind him about your feelings again and again. They really NEED them.