[dazednconfused1]

I am just wondering about the compatibility of an INFJ with an ISFJ. Have any of you experienced or are currently in this type of relationship? What are the highlights, as well as sources of conflict or problems?

[vel]

My mother is an ISFJ and I've known a few other ISFJs as friends, all female. Generally I get along well with them. In many ways they resemble us, but in conversation I usually find myself having to adjust to talk about things that are interesting to them while they rarely readjust to me. I see them try to speak to me more conceptually, but just not as often and usually it is very simplistic. I probably come out same to them trying to talk about what I think their Si finds interesting. Having dominant sensing function they are very well grounded into the material world unlike us. I find this Si-world very difficult to access.

According to socionics these relations are called business or look-alike and described as relaxing because partners are not able to hit each other's weak points and there is some level of understanding, but also somewhat superficial because understanding does not proceed to any deeper level:
Look-a-like relations between psychological ("personality") types
Business - Wikisocion
Socionics :: Intertype Relations

I'd say in relationship with my ISFJ mom that description is very fitting. There is just some kind of a barrier where I'm not getting her Si and she is not getting my Ni and no matter how long we've known each other that's just that, we just cannot get closer to understanding each other. We make judgments similarly because both of us use FeTi for judging functions. We very rarely fight. Most of the conflicts that do happen are initiated by her as she is more emotionally reactive to the moment than me, so something happens she can get immediately skyrocket into upset or angry mode. My emotional reaction is more delayed and spread out so I am unlikely to start a conflict in the moment. I have a feeling that she is more moody than me as a result. All of the other ISFJs I have known have been same. Otherwise like INFJs they are self-sacrificial, hardworking, judge other people on moral factor and themselves critically. Just like INFJs they can also be conservative in their mind-set, slow learners, people-oriented, can be too pessimistic and have low self-confidence, and also can be shy of creating their future so to say, making new moves to get out of their comfort zone as they have no Se and Ne is their inferior function. So while this generates understanding between INFJs and ISFJs I feel like these partners will not be able to help with each other's weak points.

[Btmangan]

I've heard cases of unhealthy ISFJs. Emotionally manipulative galore!

I have a healthy ISFJ friend though... she is a GIGANTIC sweetheart. So nice selfless, and fuzzy. I can't stop myself from appreciating her friendship, and there's nothing an ISFJ loves more than appreciation, so we're really good friends.

So romance is totally possible. There S makes them more down to earth than us as well.

[raj]

i am in a relationship with an ISFJ. we've been together for 3 years. definitely has it's ups and downs...

i would say there is a lot of compatibility, but you could say that with most any type. it depends on the person. i think it's easy to connect initially, but there is a limit to the ISFJ's depth. once you reach a certain point, they kind of stabilize... which is both good and bad. good if you're looking for stability in your life. bad if you're a typical INFJ and are constantly trying to improve and grow and better yourself each day. speaking from my own experience...it's also very hard to reason with him, because he becomes so irrational when something sets off his feelings. i basically just ride out the storm until his feelings are no longer in play and he can think somewhat logically again.

he's very traditional, and sometimes has a problem understanding why i like to do things unconventionally. i am also a little cold for him, i think he desires more affection than i care to give. this hurts his feelings.

he is a pleaser, always trying to help out and plan dates and do things he thinks would make us happy. he's always looking for approval.

i think at first things couldn't be any more perfect, but the S/N difference proves to be difficult to overcome. this doesn't mean you're not compatible, it just means it takes a little more work and understanding between eachother.

[raj]

peeking into the ISFJ brain... here are some direct ISFJ quotes, taken from my facebook inbox, haha. kindof personal/intimate, but whatever, it's the internet.

"I wish you wouldn't put so much pressure on me to be something. When i am ready, I will put myself all in and do something great with my life. Until then, be happy to be with me and with who i am, or leave me. I don't need any added pressure from you, because i already place enough upon myself."

"Its very hard for me to think far into the future. The only things that i allow myself to think about are the manifestations of things that are happen currently. Other than that, the future seems like nothing but a faint image that's impossible for me to grasp."

"If I am being brutally honest, the reason you don't want to marry or have kids is because you are selfish. It is simultaneously your greatest and worst trait. It helps you achieve and focus on the things you desire, but it will also prevent you from ever truly being happy or satisfied with anything. I respect and hate you for it at the same time. Its not something I could do. And I'm not sure I can live with someone life that. Or maybe I can. But I know there has to be some give on your end. My side of the rope doesn't have any slack left."

[thegirlcandance]

In theory, INFJ and ISFJ looks like a good match because on the outside we appear very similar. The trouble that comes with this pair though is the Ni-Si conflict. INFJ's have difficulty dealing with Si because we never use that function and ISFJs never use Ni, so this causes a clash.

[vel]

..."Its very hard for me to think far into the future. The only things that i allow myself to think about are the manifestations of things that are happen currently. Other than that, the future seems like nothing but a faint image that's impossible for me to grasp."

This I found to be a point where Ni and Si can actually complement each other. What I see happening between my INTJ father and ISFJ mom is that he does most of the broad scale far-future planning but she is really good at taking care of the here and now things and practical things he would have little interest in doing. I find myself doing same thing when I am with her - make a plan, persuade her into it, then we carry it out together where she is really better than me of taking care of various details that I would just be really bored to take care of or even omit out of laziness.

[SarahWilliams]

In theory, INFJ and ISFJ looks like a good match because on the outside we appear very similar. The trouble that comes with this pair though is the Ni-Si conflict. INFJ's have difficulty dealing with Si because we never use that function and ISFJs never use Ni, so this causes a clash.

Mostly this.

Also, the noted SJ-NF difference. SJ's are *strict* rule followers, and traditionalists. Where maybe I would waiver and say 'this is the exception not the rule,' they have no exceptions to their rules. Where my Ni strives for more knowledge, and change - their Si wants things to stay the same.

I know an ISFJ and I think we function very well together. In fact, I think to outsiders we look very similar. But the Si vs. Ni is a deep difference. When we conflict I know we will never get 'on the same page' because we have different ways of viewing the world.

[teddy564339]

There have been a number of threads on the ISFJ forum where INFJ's have talked about or asked about relationships with ISFJ's. Here's one where I offered my insight:

I need help. I'm a INFJ male she's ISFJ. Is there anyone similiar relationship?

I can't give you personal experience with being in a relationship with an INFJ, and I'm not female anyway. However, I can once again bust out my MBTI relationship book again!

Amazon.com: Just Your Type: Create the Relationship You've Always Wanted Using the Secrets of Personality Type (9780316845694): Paul D. Tieger, Barbara Barron-Tieger: Books
Amazon Amazon


It's neat, it takes all 16 types and talks about every possible pairing, naming the joys, frustrations, and things each type can do for one another.


In the joys section, it talks about how the two types are both kind, caring and gentle, making it easier for them to feel comfortable sharing their feelings. They also both have strong values and like a more predictable lifestyle, so they take each other's committments seriously and respect routines. In addition, ISFJ's are drawn to INFJ's creativity and originality, while INFJ's get security out of the devotion and dependability of the ISFJ.


In the frustrations section, it talks about how INFJ's can have problems with ISFJ's conformity and focus on tradition. INFJ's might find the ISFJ to be too cautious and slow to try new experiences. ISFJ's meanwhile, can feel hurt by INFJs' tendency to focus on tomorrow, feeling as though that means that the INFJ isn't satisfied with the way things currently are in the relationship. An ISFJ can also feel belittled if the an INFJ becomes impatient with them. The other problem is both types are sensitive and can easily get their feelings hurt, especially if something is misconstrued. So what can happen is that both types may bottle up emotion since they don't like confrontation, leading to big emotional outbursts.

It's interesting, another INFJ posted a thread about his problems with his ISFJ ex-girlfriend, and this next bit reminded me of that. It says that INFJ's are usually the ones to initiate the confrontation after noticing patterns, but when the confrontation does occur, it would be better if the INFJ stays on topic and doesn't bring in unrelated issues, and the ISFJ should not be too defensive or discouraged by the conflict.


Here's what it says INFJ's should do for ISFJ's:

-Appreciate all the tangible and thoughtful things your partner does to take care of you, your home, and your family.

-Participate in some of the physical activities you partner enjoys, especially those that get you out of the house and into the natural world.

-Be specific about your requests, concerns and complaints.

-Don't gloss over important steps or leave out key information. Carefully keep track of money.

-Try not to make or even suggest too many changes too quickly.

-Respect your partner's routines and honor the practices that bring him or her comfort.



Here's what it says ISFJ's should do for INFJ's:

-Try to articulate your thoughts and feelings rather than assuming your partner knows how and what you feel.

-Be patient with your partner's desire to uncover the hidden or subtle meanings of things.

-Focus on the positive, especially in everyday matters such as money and maintaining your home and possessions.

-Compliment your partner on his or her many fresh ideas, unique mode of expression, and ability to see the big picture.

-Be patient with your partner's sometimes vague or convoluted stories.

-Thank your partner for encouraging you to plan for the future.

[ertertwert]

When both are in healthy, happy states, it's a dream match. When one of them is in the gutter, it's a nightmare. At least, for my case it was like that.