Disclaimer: This is a really long post with 21 years of bottled up frustration.
This is probably my last summer I'm spending with my parents and things have been crazy, to say the least. I'm 21, done with college and until a month ago, I was living on my own. But because of a surgery and the long recovery time, my parents convinced me to move back for just the summer. However, my mom is an ESFJ, I am an INFJ, and well… we don't get along too well.
Where do I begin? First, my mom likes to micromanage the lives of our families whereas I have a very inward directed independence. I somewhat understand why she hates this. She's the type of person that likes the intimacy of when my family members report to her about their day, their motivations, their thoughts, etc, and give her the reign to control and direct their lives. (Me = INFJ = no way).
Another problem is her constant nagging and treating me like a child, commenting on really touchy issues. Trust me, my ESFJ mom really knows how to hit all the spots that hurt. Although I rarely cry, my mom has made me cry SEVERAL times. It's frustrating because she picks out flaws about things I can't really change. Also, she has no sense of privacy and my sense of cleanliness essentially does not exist. Although I consider myself to be very neat, orderly and clean, she will pick at everything in my room that's not clean. It's frustrating because she tells my entire family and family friends that she's always picking up after me. That's not true! She does so for the rest of the family, but I am REALLY protective and careful with my belongings. It bothers me that she KNOWS how I am with my stuff, but tells everyone what a messy slob I am. Overall, her nagging, constant digging into my life leaves me yelling "leave me alone, leave me alone, please, just leave me alone."
Another thing, she always gives me "advice" that is very rigid and black/white. Literally, there's no other way to say it -- it's always black and white with her. And I'm always in the wrong. If I even put forward a word of disagreement, she starts yelling at me, and all of a sudden I become the bad guy that picked a fight with her. It's how she blames me for arguments that frustrates me the most, especially because I'm the one always trying to avoid conflict.
What's worse is how she usually retaliates. Usually after an argument, I need some time and personal space, but I will be willing to make peace, put effort in reconciling the relationshp. With my mom, however, she goes on and on how she was right and I was wrong. She drags the entire family into it and asks them who was right. She also plays favorites with my younger sister, an INTJ, and I have to admit, this REALLY hurts. After we fight, she intentionally plays favorites and gives me the silent treatment. Remember, because *I* was wrong, the entire family can't help but side with her and I'm like the black sheep of the family. Whenever I try to have some bonding time with other family members, she always butts in and points out negative things, flaws, etc, so a moment of bonding is really rare.
By the way, all the things listed above make out my mom to be a pretty bad person. :( But, those are just the bad things (obviously), and overall, there are MANY great things about my mom that I'm thankful for. Learning about personality types has been helping me learn about our differences and avoid conflict (esp. after reading tons of articles about ESFJ moms), but I still feel like we're on completely different wavelengths and our relationship is marked by mutual misunderstandings and unspoken resentment. Although this has been going on for a while, it has escalated as of late.
When I was more naive, I tried talking to my mom about some of these things -- how I felt, etc -- but those resulted in a huge misunderstanding and resulted in a major argument (even though I was only trying to talk to my mom about how I felt about certain things). Nowadays, I walk around on pins and needles, but this has had a negative toll on my relationship with other family members who are only there to see me blow up since they don't understand everything.
Argh… I have a huge migraine right now so I'll stop here. But yeah... if anyone has had similar experiences, or could give me some advice on how to best handle this (other than a "talk") I would really appreciate it. After all, this will be my last summer with my parents. I'm planning on moving back (and never coming back) so I'd like to leave the last summer with positive times and memories. and I don't want to fight anymore.