[spook]

Do you ever feel like the things you say get a bit much for people? A bit "heavy"? I've been finding that my enfj friend changes the subject when we talk about emotional differences in even a non heated context, or when I question her about her beliefs etc. It's like invisible tension arises on her part. I don't even think I'm getting that deep, but it's like people aren't ever in the mood to discuss things like that. Whenever they are, it's always after some conflict or crisis. Not saying there's anything wrong with that apart when they refuse to discuss real problems, it's just a point of contention which separates me from most people. It affects my openness to meeting new people and I might be dismissing them too easily. It doesn't help that I think I am always right, at least regarding my own decisions xD

My friend thinks I'm too consumed with dissatisfaction but I think I just tend to brood over things more as a 'natural' state of mind. I become fixated on ideals which don't mesh with reality as if thinking about it and letting it consume the way I express myself will influence people to understand. I'm realising now and trying to accept that it's not possible with most people, I'll just end up feeling more hurt and disappointed.

She also thinks I've changed drastically and used to be more bubbly and optimistic. She can't relate to me now that I've become more depressed and isolated, but I never saw myself as bubbly and optimistic. I just became more introspective and aware of all the world's flaws and my own, I don't distract myself from such things as easily. They are real problems to be solved and for some reason I don't just see it as simply being a matter of faith. It's weird bc we used to have such an amazing connection and now it's like if we were just acquaintances today, she probably wouldn't want to get to know me further. It makes me feel disillusioned and afraid of cultivating new relationships... you invest so much but people change and you constantly have to find new people to fulfill your needs. It's like you're constantly grieving over new prospects too... Even though it gets exhausting, the change, anticipation and insecurity is part of the excitement. I just seem to have this inner conflict of growth/challenge and comfort/consistency. Egh feeling so unstable lol :/

I suppose the people I'm connecting with now even though it's only online seem to be less socially cheerful and positive. I relate to outcasts who have exclusive inner circles and tend to be a little cynical about the majority of people lol. When you've experienced pretty much all your life that it's rare to find a fulfilling connection with people, it becomes a more intense fixation to find someone who truly understands. The more let down you are, the more you want the closest thing to perfection.. I don't even like to think I'm being too perfectionistic bc if the majority of people were INxxs I wouldn't be the insane one. I've met people who seemed good enough (one being an INTP), they just live on the other side of the world argh so I can't be too sure of that friendship. One of my main goals in life, and this surpasses any career aspirations by far is to find a stable lifelong relationship, either romantic or platonic where I feel completely understood. That's probably the most idealistic aspect of my INFJ personality haha and I'm working on accepting more realistic expectations. Bc I'm still young though, I cling onto the "never settle" mentality. :p Walking the lonely road seems like the most honest and telling way of attracting the right people, at least from my online experience.



Damn sorry for the wall of text. I guess I just needed to vent/talk to someone bc I felt a bit shaken today. The state of my relationships is very insecure and even though I choose to be alone most of the time, it never feels like I'm completely content. I need more balance of self-sufficiency and social contact. I need to feel connected to something after awhile, even if it's just an abstract feeling over a computer screen. If you have any thoughts feel free to share... or not, haha.

[MoonLight]

Yes I can relate to your situation. I befriended several people trying to find a connection but could never find one who has all of those qualities I needed in one friend. It was like I had parts of myself divided between these people and with each one of them I did something different than what I did with the other. It is exhausting and saddening because you can’t ever seem to be yourself because some people simply can’t connect to you when you talk to them about some things. I've had online friends who are more close than ones irl because there is a wider range of people try looking for others who think like them as much as possible but lol they are usually somewhere really far.

[Goodewitch]

Oh I can absolutely and totally relate to this Spook.
Your post was beautifully written, by the way, and you expressed that angst and sense of isolation and disappointment perfectly.
Its not just a 'young' thing to be so idealistic, and walk the lonely path, and not settle.
I'm still walking the lonely path, and probably always will. At some point, I'm going to have to come to peace with that.
I've been called intense, self destructive, volatile, overly emotional, too deep, think to much, etc etc.
Yes, people become uncomfortable with really honest and deep emotions, or really intense ideals, .
I know its because they cannot/will not live up to them, and even talking about such things only serves to remind them that they are not all they should/could be.
Of course then the person talking about these things becomes the focus of this vague feeling of resentment in other people, and are shut up and shut down pretty quickly.
I've tried the 'be more open minded, be less idealistic, be more realistic' route, but in the end, my idealism rebels, I cannot and will not settle, nor will i shut up, to save someone feeling uncomfortable.
People make me uncomfortable with their superficialtiy, i now refuse to pander to their ego's.
I'm becoming a very kick ass INFJ these days.:)
Maybe you will too.
One thing I have noticed, being honest, open and authentic in your words and deeds can be painful, and lonely, but it sometimes brings great rewards, it brings a certain freedom, a contentment, even in the loneliness of a solitary path.
Sometimes, people even listen..:)
G. x

[CuritadeRana]

Do you ever feel like the things you say get a bit much for people? A bit "heavy"? I've been finding that my enfj friend changes the subject when we talk about emotional differences in even a non heated context, or when I question her about her beliefs etc. It's like invisible tension arises on her part. I don't even think I'm getting that deep, but it's like people aren't ever in the mood to discuss things like that. Whenever they are, it's always after some conflict or crisis. Not saying there's anything wrong with that apart when they refuse to discuss real problems, it's just a point of contention which separates me from most people. It affects my openness to meeting new people and I might be dismissing them too easily. It doesn't help that I think I am always right, at least regarding my own decisions xD

My friend thinks I'm too consumed with dissatisfaction but I think I just tend to brood over things more as a 'natural' state of mind. I become fixated on ideals which don't mesh with reality as if thinking about it and letting it consume the way I express myself will influence people to understand. I'm realising now and trying to accept that it's not possible with most people, I'll just end up feeling more hurt and disappointed.

She also thinks I've changed drastically and used to be more bubbly and optimistic. She can't relate to me now that I've become more depressed and isolated, but I never saw myself as bubbly and optimistic. I just became more introspective and aware of all the world's flaws and my own, I don't distract myself from such things as easily. They are real problems to be solved and for some reason I don't just see it as simply being a matter of faith. It's weird bc we used to have such an amazing connection and now it's like if we were just acquaintances today, she probably wouldn't want to get to know me further. It makes me feel disillusioned and afraid of cultivating new relationships... you invest so much but people change and you constantly have to find new people to fulfill your needs. It's like you're constantly grieving over new prospects too... Even though it gets exhausting, the change, anticipation and insecurity is part of the excitement. I just seem to have this inner conflict of growth/challenge and comfort/consistency. Egh feeling so unstable lol :/

I suppose the people I'm connecting with now even though it's only online seem to be less socially cheerful and positive. I relate to outcasts who have exclusive inner circles and tend to be a little cynical about the majority of people lol. When you've experienced pretty much all your life that it's rare to find a fulfilling connection with people, it becomes a more intense fixation to find someone who truly understands. The more let down you are, the more you want the closest thing to perfection.. I don't even like to think I'm being too perfectionistic bc if the majority of people were INxxs I wouldn't be the insane one. I've met people who seemed good enough (one being an INTP), they just live on the other side of the world argh so I can't be too sure of that friendship. One of my main goals in life, and this surpasses any career aspirations by far is to find a stable lifelong relationship, either romantic or platonic where I feel completely understood. That's probably the most idealistic aspect of my INFJ personality haha and I'm working on accepting more realistic expectations. Bc I'm still young though, I cling onto the "never settle" mentality. :p Walking the lonely road seems like the most honest and telling way of attracting the right people, at least from my online experience.

Damn sorry for the wall of text. I guess I just needed to vent/talk to someone bc I felt a bit shaken today. The state of my relationships is very insecure and even though I choose to be alone most of the time, it never feels like I'm completely content. I need more balance of self-sufficiency and social contact. I need to feel connected to something after awhile, even if it's just an abstract feeling over a computer screen. If you have any thoughts feel free to share... or not, haha.

I thought this was a very beautiful post. We do get too heavy at times and then I remember that life is also about appreciating the gifts I have been given and I may spend the time communing with nature or spending time with a loved one I have neglected by engaging in some incredibly "selfish" activity like shopping or getting facials with themShe might be right that you have gotten on a more negative kick....only seeing the bad/problems and not appreciating what is going right with the world.
I have also noticed that relationships are not what they used to be and that has a lot to do with our morals/attitude as a society. We are more mobile as job security is virtually non-existent no matter how hard you work and employers want to invest as little as possible by not hiring full time employees in order to not provide health insurance. It's difficult to maintain/support relationships/communities in this way. Many of the people we have depended on for leadership/help (parents, spiritual leaders, political leaders etc.)have broken our trust through their neglect and corruption.
As far as relationships go.....it screams so much of "Jerry McGuire" which I think is sweet because it is one of my sister's favorite movies. Reality is you can't give or expect 100% in relationships.. just not possible or realistic. I do expect a mutual understanding of respect. It is not "normal" to be bubbly and optimistic all the time and frankly I would have to ask what you were "on" lol so I could go get at least some of it! Honestly, no one likes being around someone who only looks at the dark side of things all the time and if I find that I am doing that it usually means one of two things....I'm picking it up from the unhealthy company/environment around me or I have too much in my plate and seriously need change in my life to regain the "balance"
P.S. I never apologize for wordiness....I just add more paragraph breaks Can you tell I am more of a qualitative information gatherer than quantitative?

[OscarHollywood]

Yeah people freak out and run to the hills once i get amped up about something!!!! :D

[Ice Ghost]

Yes. It's partly why I haven't had a decent relationship to date. It's not even something I notice...

[vel]

you know, I think I first make myself confused and uncomfortable with it because I need to zone out to process all that other stuff my head hasn't processed yet, and then other people just follow suit and become confused and uncomfortable also >.<

[OscarHollywood]

you know, I think I first make myself confused and uncomfortable with it because I need to zone out to process all that other stuff my head hasn't processed yet, and then other people just follow suit and become confused and uncomfortable also >.<

haha yes! this just happened to me 30mins ago!!!

uurrrggghhhh!

Id pay to be an ESTJ or ENTJ anyday! :D






.... NA!!!

[spook]

Thanks everyone for your insightful posts :)

Goodewitch I found your post very beautiful too and encouraging... when so many people are trying to change you, it can be easy at first to just give in, but you will never feel free, and I'm not sure an INFJ can stand compromising their convictions for long. :) I admire that you won't shut up to save a superficial atmosphere from feeling uncomfortable, I get a kick out of doing this sometimes but in some cases conflict and sensitivity do not mesh well. I hide away, feeling both pride and shame, plotting how next time perhaps I could be braver.

I only mentioned it as being a "young thing" in response to a thread on how some INFJs professed to being more forgiving and realistic with age without feeling like they've settled. The idea of that seems kinda fuzzy, so I'm just gonna assume being idealistic can mean the same thing when you meet the right people muhaha. :)

[spook]

I have also noticed that relationships are not what they used to be and that has a lot to do with our morals/attitude as a society. We are more mobile as job security is virtually non-existent no matter how hard you work and employers want to invest as little as possible by not hiring full time employees in order to not provide health insurance. It's difficult to maintain/support relationships/communities in this way. Many of the people we have depended on for leadership/help (parents, spiritual leaders, political leaders etc.)have broken our trust through their neglect and corruption.

Thanks CuritadeRana for your wordiness and I'm about to dish some right back. :p I agree completely with this part. We don't even hang out anymore since she's so consumed with school.. I understand that she wants to do well and don't attempt to change her, but it makes me detest this whole rat race to nowhere even more.

Our discussion was about how I wanted to drop out, find a job and am quite skeptical of authority these days. I tried to confide in her since my parents are too conservative to support me (yet, rah) on this. My ENFJ friend wants to become a teacher, so naturally she advised me that I shouldn't throw away my "future" and "potential"... I appreciate honest feedback and good intentions, but it's funny that's the very reason she gave for trusting authority and to me intentions sometimes aren't enough. I don't care to impose my plans onto other people, but for some reason freedom to them means doing just that.

Everyone thinks I'm being irresponsible, making this decision based on an emotional whim when I've thought this over for a year and half while giving school a chance. The more I introvert and access the perceiving strengths of Ni, the more open ended goals become even though from the outside, it may look like radical stubbornness in the sense of not consulting others to help me figure out what I want or "should" want. There isn't just one way to reach a certain end, but social institutions like to scare us into believing we'll fail at life if we don't adhere to their rigid structures.

Authority figures don't trust us enough hence all these rules and regulations. They put so much pressure on us to prove ourselves so from a young age we already felt powerless to make our own decisions (at least in my case). I'm at the stage where I want to reclaim some control and independence, but this is hard as hell bc I've been so dependent on family's support, and I don't have a very clear idea of how I'm going to make it on my own. I no longer want to feel like I'm doing something only to please or convenience others bc it never seems to be enough. However I've made some fickle decisions in the past and am painfully aware of how future decisions are going to affect others. I'm preparing myself for judgment but I no long see the point in dwelling in guilt. The only way I'm going to feel responsible for my life is if my decisions no longer allow myself to shift the blame.

I find that nfjs get along well when our values are in sync, but since we're both pretty opinionated about certain things, we also clash a lot. I guess I shouldn't be surprised since our friendship has always been love-hate and all shades in between. I've calmed down quite a bit since yesterday but I'll probably spend the rest of my life trying to figure out how to see through some of my negativity rather than overidentify with it. When it helps you cut through bullshit, it is kickass, but the cycle becomes unhealthy when I'm neglecting too many practical necessities, whoops :)