Do you ever feel like the things you say get a bit much for people? A bit "heavy"? I've been finding that my enfj friend changes the subject when we talk about emotional differences in even a non heated context, or when I question her about her beliefs etc. It's like invisible tension arises on her part. I don't even think I'm getting that deep, but it's like people aren't ever in the mood to discuss things like that. Whenever they are, it's always after some conflict or crisis. Not saying there's anything wrong with that apart when they refuse to discuss real problems, it's just a point of contention which separates me from most people. It affects my openness to meeting new people and I might be dismissing them too easily. It doesn't help that I think I am always right, at least regarding my own decisions xD
My friend thinks I'm too consumed with dissatisfaction but I think I just tend to brood over things more as a 'natural' state of mind. I become fixated on ideals which don't mesh with reality as if thinking about it and letting it consume the way I express myself will influence people to understand. I'm realising now and trying to accept that it's not possible with most people, I'll just end up feeling more hurt and disappointed.
She also thinks I've changed drastically and used to be more bubbly and optimistic. She can't relate to me now that I've become more depressed and isolated, but I never saw myself as bubbly and optimistic. I just became more introspective and aware of all the world's flaws and my own, I don't distract myself from such things as easily. They are real problems to be solved and for some reason I don't just see it as simply being a matter of faith. It's weird bc we used to have such an amazing connection and now it's like if we were just acquaintances today, she probably wouldn't want to get to know me further. It makes me feel disillusioned and afraid of cultivating new relationships... you invest so much but people change and you constantly have to find new people to fulfill your needs. It's like you're constantly grieving over new prospects too... Even though it gets exhausting, the change, anticipation and insecurity is part of the excitement. I just seem to have this inner conflict of growth/challenge and comfort/consistency. Egh feeling so unstable lol :/
I suppose the people I'm connecting with now even though it's only online seem to be less socially cheerful and positive. I relate to outcasts who have exclusive inner circles and tend to be a little cynical about the majority of people lol. When you've experienced pretty much all your life that it's rare to find a fulfilling connection with people, it becomes a more intense fixation to find someone who truly understands. The more let down you are, the more you want the closest thing to perfection.. I don't even like to think I'm being too perfectionistic bc if the majority of people were INxxs I wouldn't be the insane one. I've met people who seemed good enough (one being an INTP), they just live on the other side of the world argh so I can't be too sure of that friendship. One of my main goals in life, and this surpasses any career aspirations by far is to find a stable lifelong relationship, either romantic or platonic where I feel completely understood. That's probably the most idealistic aspect of my INFJ personality haha and I'm working on accepting more realistic expectations. Bc I'm still young though, I cling onto the "never settle" mentality. :p Walking the lonely road seems like the most honest and telling way of attracting the right people, at least from my online experience.
Damn sorry for the wall of text. I guess I just needed to vent/talk to someone bc I felt a bit shaken today. The state of my relationships is very insecure and even though I choose to be alone most of the time, it never feels like I'm completely content. I need more balance of self-sufficiency and social contact. I need to feel connected to something after awhile, even if it's just an abstract feeling over a computer screen. If you have any thoughts feel free to share... or not, haha.