[gabiINFJ]

I'm an INFJ. I was homeschooled from 1st-8th grade. I started public my freshman year in highschool and I will be a Senior this comming year. The ENTP love of my life is seven months older than me and he graduated this year. We dated for most of my sophmore and part of my junior year. He cheated on me after we'd been dating for about seven months when he got really drunk on a cruise. I don't hold that against him. We weren't each others first loves, but we lost our...you know...to each other. Other relationship was ended when he broke up with me and asked out his ex/my best friend. She rejected him, he dated another girl (who was only dating him bc she couldnt have the boy she wanted) for a couple of weeks, and then we got back together. His mother broke us up a little later for being too serious. I convinced my best friend to date him bc i thought she really like him (she did seriously lead him on while he and I were dating). They had a horrible break up. She admitted she never liked him and he admitted he just want to...have "relations" with her. He and I ended up talking again.


We had a one thing only relationship for awhile before he asked out another girl, he never told me about the other girl someone else had to. Well since then he and I had played around a bit but he's woohooed a lot of girls and I haven't woohooed anyone other than him. I ended our playing around about a month ago requesting that we just stay friends. Since then he's tried to get me to do stuff on more than one occasion. He said it felt amazing to do stuff with and to me. But I told him I had renewed my sense of purity and wouldn't be woohooing anyone again til marriage. He said he was gonna try to make himself a better person too. For some reason whenever we're together sparks fly, we're both smiling/blushing, and we pretty much glow. I still love him, but he's about to go to college and I refuse to compromise my religious beliefs for pleasure. So, for now we're just friends who wish they could be more.

What should I do to make the pain go away?

[icicle84]

I don't know what religious beliefs you have, but it seems to me that's the best way to deal with this in yourself.

As much as it may seem he wants to become a "better person," from what you've described, it really looks like he doesn't respect you at all.

As much as he does "it" with "a lot of girls," it's pretty clear he wants to play around, and won't be satisfied just with you - what's done is done and you can't take it back, but you can move forward.

It definitely hurts. But that pain can be a powerful motivator that keeps us from making the same mistakes twice.

I'm not going to guess what your beliefs are, but you value purity, and I say stick to it. I think the culture of "if it feels good do it" is destructive, and it's led way too many of us down paths we wish we had never taken.

If you pray, do that.

I'm a Christian, and it seems a lot of my prayers are just a simple "HELP ME!!!"

That fruit looks so tempting and inviting, until we end up on the other side of having eaten it, and realize we don't ever want to do it again. Then that resolve slips away in a moment of weakness, and we wonder what was so bad about it.

It's a wonder God even puts up with me, I think.

But grace is an awesome thing - completely undeserved, but it's always right there for us to take hold of. We won't always stay out of trouble, but that grace is there every time we wake up or walk away smacking ourselves, and vowing to leave it behind once more.

[entropy]

Gonna be honest and not too nice.

The guy sounds like a major douche. Like, not just a douchebag, but a gigantic douchebag. I don't care what he says if he doesn't do. Words are meaningless unless backed by actions.

I'm not sure if it's the case or not, but once you take the emotion out of it and analyze things you may find you've been lying to yourself/blinding yourself. Sounds like a T thing to say, but even I've done this many times.

I know I personally always want to see the best in people even if it's not really there. I'm an idealist and I let my emotions blind me from reality until way too long after. Only then can I really see the relationship for what it was, and not how I wanted to see it or pretended it was.

Time is the only real way to make pain go away. I guess you can't just find someone to have a fling with to try and forget about it since that's not your kind of thing. It's not mine either. Just get yourself as busy as you can and hope you meet someone else soon. You'll probably find the pain goes away before that happens.

There are other coping methods, like admitting or pretending the guy is trash. It's a lot easier to distance yourself from someone you hate opposed to someone you love.

You can always send me a PM if you want to talk about any of this in private. Hope things get better for you. I know it's tough.

[vel]

Ah yes I had one of those relationshis with a guy - he was either ENTJ or ENTP - not sure. Kind of in-between and it was in college though.

What would make pain go away: the reality is that INFJs have a difficulty paying attention to our own needs and our own senses and instead try to make everyone else around us happy. Like you have chosen to set up dates for him with your friends, trying to make him happy - but what about you? Were you happy? Consciously, we do not pay to our own needs and try to make other people happy and can end up hurting ourselves. What you need to do is pay attention to your own needs. Actively train yourself to recognize what do you want - not what other people want - and I say "actively" because it does not come naturally to us INFJs. Don't take up so many of other people's emotional problems onto your shoulders. As unnatual as it sounds to an INFJ that is really key to becoming more satisfied in your life. Other people are repsonsible for dealing with their own emotional problems.

Start caring for him from "just friends" perspective. You don't need to be his girlfriend to give him emotional support he needs. You can be his friend. That he is a male and you are a female, you are not in any way obliged to have sex with him. You can be supportive of him and stand true to your own convictions - the two are not mutually exlusive.

[CuritadeRana]

Vel said it the best IMHO but I would like to add the fact that when a girl woohoo's it is not just an emotional bond but a chemical one at that (oxytocin). Not the same for the guy, especially in your case, which is why he can woohoo till his brains fall out with you and every other woman who comes across his path. I am not going to even mention religion because those are personal choices people make. Personally something is very wrong with a guy who would not even think twice about woohooing your best friend and a best friend who would woohoo your ex.
Go out...explore the world and your place/purpose in it. Try to find the value that you put in others in yourself. I hope you then will see that becoming your own best friend will help you to attract the right people in your life who will love and respect you the way you always were meant to be.

[adrenuh Lynn]

Gonna be honest and not too nice.

The guy sounds like a major douche. Like, not just a douchebag, but a gigantic douchebag. I don't care what he says if he doesn't do. Words are meaningless unless backed by actions.

I'm not sure if it's the case or not, but once you take the emotion out of it and analyze things you may find you've been lying to yourself/blinding yourself. Sounds like a T thing to say, but even I've done this many times.

I know I personally always want to see the best in people even if it's not really there. I'm an idealist and I let my emotions blind me from reality until way too long after. Only then can I really see the relationship for what it was, and not how I wanted to see it or pretended it was.

Time is the only real way to make pain go away. I guess you can't just find someone to have a fling with to try and forget about it since that's not your kind of thing. It's not mine either. Just get yourself as busy as you can and hope you meet someone else soon. You'll probably find the pain goes away before that happens.

There are other coping methods, like admitting or pretending the guy is trash. It's a lot easier to distance yourself from someone you hate opposed to someone you love.

You can always send me a PM if you want to talk about any of this in private. Hope things get better for you. I know it's tough.

First, let it be known that I agree with most of this post.
However, I must politely disagree with some aspects of it.
Although "finding someone else" will distract you while the pain subsides,
I believe it's more beneficial to have a healthy form of closure,
rather than a quick one.
Plus, it's not fair to the "someone else" that you're using as a crutch.
I may sound contrary in saying this,
but you actually should be "finding someone else."
Albeit, NOT in the romantic sense.
You should be finding yourself, and spending time with friends/family.
A break up is less taxing when you disperse your love among multiple dear ones,
rather than channeling all of it through one person.
Your world won't completely "shatter" like mine has so often in the past.

Furthermore,
although it seems like it's easier to call this guy trash to get over him,
I've found that it only gives me a negative filter for future experiences.
Plus, negative emotions for someone will hold just as long, if not longer than positive ones,
and that can come back to haunt you in the long run.
Hate is toxic and it'll eat you alive.
Mainly because it's a secondary emotion stemming from unresolved issues.
What really sets me free is practicing forgiveness and understanding.
This guy definitely did treat you terribly.
You need to realize you deserve more respect than that.
Love yourself enough to let that happen.
If you don't show that you respect yourself,
your partner most likely never will.
Don't let him keep coming back.
Then he knows he can have his cake and eat it too with you.
I take pride in my kind nature, but you have to know when to draw the line with others.
You have a right to be here just as much as anyone else does.
"No less than the trees and the stars."
;]

But back to the "forgiveness and understanding,"
also realize that part of his disrespect stems from his immaturity.
If you can recognize that people only hurt you because a piece of them hasn't grown up yet,
or because they haven't learned something about life/the world,
then it's a lot easier to come to terms, and you start to rely less on others for your personal happiness.

Instead of telling yourself this guy is trash,
simply counter your positive memories of him with negative ones.
When you catch yourself missing him for whatever reason you may have,
think of things about him that have always bugged you.
Think about the fact that you both are at a different level of maturity right now.
See it as simple incompatibility, rather than him personally attacking you.
Even though I don't condone his behavior,
I still think you are ultimately responsible for your own happiness and karma.
Just as he is responsible for his.

Sometimes people are in our lives simply to help us learn a lesson or gain perspective.
The same can be said vice versa.
You can either decide to learn from a bad situation,
or you can stew in it and let it bog you down.
It's all in how you look at things.
Don't cry because it's over.
Smile because it happened.

Take some time to grieve the loss of your happy memories.
But simultaneously take the time to assess the bad memories and the reasons it didn't work out.
Take what you learn and move on to new things and new loves.

I don't know if these will hold true for you,
but in my experience, as far as things to speed up the process go:
a lot of writing, a lot of music, and a lot of good company will do wonders.

I wish you the best with moving on.
I just recently went through a break up with an ENTP that I deemed "the love of my life" as well,
so I have an idea of what you must be going through right about now.
We met after high school, dated over a year, and broke up to my dismay.
Whatever you do (or think about doing),
just remember that this will pass.
You were able to feel happiness before he came along,
and that will return sooner than you think it will.
You never needed him.
And I think he's proven that to you.
You want to gain from someone as much as you give.

The last piece of adivice I have:
Assume you will never be with him again,
and see that it's in YOUR benefit.

Good luck and happy travels.
I hope you find peace of mind, truly.

[gabiINFJ]

Please dont missunderstand me, the guy didnt woohoo a lot of girls while i was dating him. And i literally begged him to date my friend because our parents had forbid us from seeing each other. I do love him and the problems we ran into were do to immaturity. We really good friends now, the problem is both of us want to be more and neither of our parents approve because of our immaturity. He's not perfect but he was a faithful boy friend except on the incident when we were on the rocks and he was extremely drunk on a cruise with his family.

[entropy]

Please dont missunderstand me, the guy didnt woohoo a lot of girls while i was dating him. And i literally begged him to date my friend because our parents had forbid us from seeing each other. I do love him and the problems we ran into were do to immaturity. We really good friends now, the problem is both of us want to be more and neither of our parents approve because of our immaturity. He's not perfect but he was a faithful boy friend except on the incident when we were on the rocks and he was extremely drunk on a cruise with his family.

You're excusing him cheating on you? Really?

"he was a faithful boy friend except on the incident when we were on the rocks and he was extremely drunk on a cruise with his family"

That's like saying he's not a cheater, except when he cheats.

Don't have such low standards.

[adrenuh Lynn]

You can rationalize this until you're blue in the face.
But one day these excuses will no longer be enough to convince yourself.
(I say "yourself" because you're certainly not convincing anyone else here).

I find it worth mentioning that 4 years ago,
several of my close friends were telling me those^ exact words.

You came to this forum for advice, right?
More specifically, advice to ease the pain?
Well, this denial will only take you in the opposite direction.
I understand that at one point in my life,
I had a similar attitude as well.
In high school, I cared about a boy that was really bad for me. (He was an ENTJ).
We dated on and off for 3 and a half years.
He cheated on me 4 times with females, and once with a male.
Every single person (online or in life) told me to leave him.
Every. Single. Person.
But I would defend him saying things like "You don't know him like I know him."
I know your will to see the good in people is strong.
But it's dangerous to think that there is not evil out there too.
Be realistic. Some people will try to take advantage of or manipulate you in your lifetime.
If you don't realize this early on, it's going to slap you HARD in the face one day.
Once that finally happened to me with my ex ENTJ,
I moved on, really grew as a person, and met my wonderful ENTP.
The end of that emotionally damaging relationship,
came self growth and the beginning of a much healthier one.

One thing you also must consider,
ENTP's are notorious for settling down VERY LATE in life.
Ages 35-40 are the numbers I see thrown around most often on the topic.
Partly because ENTPs are averted to social norms and traditions, (rountine in general, it seems)
and partly because young ENTPs are mostly assholes. Plain and simple.
They most often are not very developed in the emotional sense,
so they come off as cold, condescending, and self-absorbed.
These kinds of ENTPs usually don't grow out of this until mid to late 20's.
ENTP's like to keep their options open, and this can make them flighty when it comes to relationships.
It's not until they experience a variety of several things
that they reach a point where they actually want a long term commitment.
It's unfortunate for you that you've encountered this ENTP at the beginning of his journey.
I know every individual is different, but something tells me he's not going to change for a long time.

If you choose to take the path I did,
then you have a long, jagged path ahead of you,
and I hate to picture a gentle thing like you getting disappointed like I know you're going to.
Breaking up and getting involved with other people creates an estranged trust between two former lovers.
Once he cheated on you, and you let him come back, he'll always be inclined to do it again.
That level of respect will be very difficult for you to win back.
Once he cheated on you, and you became emotionally shaken, you'll always be inclined to distrust him.
That level of trust SHOULD be difficult for HIM to win back.

Use your head as often as your heart.
Once you crumble up, rip in half, and semi-torch the canvas,
it can never be perfect again.
So you need to find a new place to paint your mural.
This one doesn't have anything to offer you anymore.

I agree that you should remain on good terms with all people that you meet.
But I think friendship is as far as it should go.

I know you'll do what you feel anyway.
I still hope you know that there are people out there trying to help you.
Since there's no reason for us outsiders to try to mislead you,
I hope you at least consider the advice in this thread.

[vel]

... We really good friends now, the problem is both of us want to be more ...

What is this "more" that you want to become really? Do you have a concrete definition of it, plan of action so to speak? What exactly do you hope to turn this relationship into? Marriage and kids are too early for you. Sex will not add quality to your relationship. So what is this "more" that you are wishing for?