so its 7am here and I haven't slept since 2am the night before but but but!~ I have the perfect topic to relate to the amount of tired I am right now times the amount I cannot sleep. (1000 x 15)
Sorry this is going to be a long one because I have the time but not the will to sleep. Some of you may call me crazy for this btw I don't know.
Now me personally I grew up in a Buddhist household and was never force fed the religion. I think that's because its their way. My parents wouldn't care less if I decided to choose another religious view, maybe that was good maybe it was bad. I've always put up a front and said that I am an atheist but the truth is I teeter on a battle with the sins I commit and what ever I might have to face after I die. If I wanted to be the most honest with myself and everyone I would say that I hate God yet I wish I could be closer to him (if he is there). I'm a hateful agnostic, and I have my reasons.
I have two friends (INFJ and ENFP) who both are very religious and spiritual. They both have such strong intuition and say that they feel very connected with God or Jesus and they talk about their dreams and contacts with ghost and spirits and all that stuff.
The ENFP (Baptist)
Now I'm much closer to the ENFP so I guess I'll talk about her first. I remember meeting her first when I was 7 but it wasn't till we were 12 that she came to me and said "I want to pray with you". I guess you can really call it a cliche "I wanna talk to you about Jesus" moment. I don't know why I just let it happen. Maybe it was because I was tired of hiding my baby sister at her house while all hell broke loose at mine, maybe I was tired of cleaning up all the broken plates after my parents fought and feeling hopeless.
That's where it all started, me searching for hope and God.
anyways she always tells me that she talks to Jesus, and that she believes that God has a plan for her and she is following it and that she feels so blessed for all the good that has come her way. She says things like God always tests her or she would tell me that she knows that god has planned for her to be in my life. She believes that the devil and his demons are out there and they are the ones that cause us pain and reach out to us to try and hurt us. She believes that with a cross and a prayer you can keep them away. This is an excerpt from one of our chats just to give you a feeling of how things are between us when it comes to this.
(5:08:59 AM) rKless: talk to Jesus
(5:09:07 AM) Me: haha
(5:11:22 AM) Me: you are my jesus
(5:11:36 AM) Me: in all honesty
(5:11:50 AM) Me: the only connection that I am willing to have with it
(5:12:09 AM) Me: theres nothing that sticks out when I think about cathy more than GOD
(5:12:43 AM) rKless: i wish you would take the peace and love that he offeres
(5:12:46 AM) rKless: offers*
(5:14:41 AM) Me: yeah I know you do
(5:19:28 AM) rKless: you know...
I live a pretty sinful life, and its no secret. I don't think I really care about where I go when I die because of this love/mostly hate relationship I have with God. If I go to hell then so be it, I'm a pretty risky person anyways and if the Christians are right my whole family will be there with me and I love my family.
Its just that I do have this deep down feeling in me that there is a God. It manifest itself when things are darkest in my life in the form of nightmares. Nightmares are the best thing I can describe them as. I don't have vivid dreams EVER ever ever ever ever...but these are pretty scary to me. They started probably in my junior year of high school and got the worst my freshmen year of college. This is how it usually goes...
As soon as I close my eyes I wouldn't be able to move, I would have to struggle to wake up out of what ever was happening to me. When they first started that's all it was. I would just have to wake myself up forcefully, but when I woke up I would be physically tired from breaking the dream as if I was forcing my way through something. At first I wouldn't pay much attention to it, I thought maybe it was just a strange nightmare.
Freshmen year started though and the nightmare started to get worse. There is now a black dark figure in front of me, everything is blurry but I'm there and I can just see enough of him to be terrified to the bone and the world would start shaking. Waking up became harder and I would wake up feeling like I had been through a pretty good workout. The nightmare hit its peak the night the dark figure grabbed my arm and I struggled to wake up. When I finally woke up my arm was in so much pain like it could have been broken or bruised. That night, every single time I tried to lay down and close my eyes I would go into that world and then fight to wake up over and over again. Every time I would be in more pain. I finally had enough and called my ENFP friend. Told her what was happening at 4am in the morning and she prayed with me and stayed on the phone with me all night while I slept against the wall sitting up. Mind you I felt weak for turning my back on my stance and depending on the prayer. I was weak...but I'm thankful.
That's why I can't write it God off anymore because of that night. I can ignore it because I'm great at ignoring my problems, but I can no longer say that I don't believe at least a little.
The INFJ (Catholic)
I have an INFJ friend who surprised me recently. I make friends pretty easily but close deep friends within just a few conversations? Hardly ever. When I first met her I took her for the A-typical party girl. I mean her house is the party house. I would say that she definitely does not lead as "holy" of a life as my ENFP friend.
When she first and so freely shared her experience with me I was pretty startled. Personally I keep this stuff to myself or to the ENFP and that was it. I had only talked to her two or three times... I guess it was because our conversation reminded me a lot like my other friend and that's how we really started hitting it off (as friends). Our experiences are just so eerily similar. She told me of the same problem I had, but that she has even more vivid dreams about demons and spirits. She says that she can sense the presences of demons and angels. She can feel negative energy like super fast...its kind of scary. I like to believe that I can fake being happy but not around her. She can even tell when I'm feeling like shit when we're just texting. All of this is what lead to my curiosity of her type and I asked her if she wanted to find out what her personality was. She came out INFJ and shes pretty interested in mbti now too.
Its now 8:30 and I just wanted to know if anyone else has experiences or thoughts or comments on this? Do other INFJ have such strong connections to a "spirtual world" of any sorts? Is it something about the Intuitive side of things because ENFP also have a strong intuitive side. I've been thinking that this is our main difference. That because I'm more sensory that I can't grasp onto it as well as they can. I'd like to hear others opinions.
O M G I NEED TO SLEEP.