[entropy]

Hello everyone. First post on here and unfortunately isn't a positive one. It will be kind of long.

Here's a little about me and my situation. I'm a 23 year old male. I am generally extremely selfless and I love trying to make other people I care about happy. I don't really date much because I'm very picky and won't be with someone unless we have chemistry. My life's not amazing right now. Can't find a job in this economy and I've been battling some unknown health issues for quite a while.

I do most of my socializing on the computer despite me not being a typical computer looking person. Most people consider me very attractive and wonder why I even spend so much time on here.

Anyways. Recently something very bad happened and I can't stop thinking about it. I really just don't know what to do.

I used to play World of Warcraft (account expires tomorrow) but I quit due to what happened.

I met this girl on there. When we first started talking I had no expectations. We just clicked immediately and it's so rare that I meet someone and that happens. We ended up spending a lot of time together in game and talking outside of it as well. She'd initiate conversations. She'd text me and call me to wake me up and just do a lot of things that really made me happy. I ended up developing feelings for her. She's really pretty and we just meshed together so well. Unfortunately I found out she is engaged and I was crushed at that time, but she said she thought I knew (apparently facebook doesn't always show your relationship status) and she apologized if she lead me on etc.

I was hurt but she was special to me so I decided I would just try and stay her best friend (not easy since I cared about her as a girlfriend) and things really were going well. It wasn't always easy on me because I always wanted to be her #1. I'd do almost anything to make her happy and I was often doing things for her that she found unbelievable and didn't even think were possible. A day didn't go by where we didn't talk or do something together. One day she sends me a message telling me she has sad news and she is quitting WoW because it's really hurting her grades. I knew it was true. She was pretty addicted to it. I was very sad but she promised we'd do tons of things outside of WoW still and made me promise her we'd be best friends. I of course agreed and we stayed just as close as we had been, until last Wednesday. I messaged her and she was acting very strange. She randomly tells me a story of her dating history and seemed like she was trying to ward me away. She ended up saying she didn't think we should be friends anymore. I didn't want to do that but she had made her mind up. At the time she denied it was because she had feelings for me but I knew she was unhappy in her engagement and had feelings for me. I was in shock though so I pretty much just went along. I got to thinking later in the day about how I didn't want it to end, especially like that. I messaged her and tried to get her talking again. All she did was indirectly admit she had feelings for me and didn't want to ruin her relationship with her Fiance.

I sent her another message telling her I'd be there for her. I tried to kind of point her in the direction that if she needs to break off contact with me to keep her relationship - she probably shouldn't be in it. Then I apologized for being so forward, told her I cared about her and didn't want her out of my life but it was pretty much her decision and I'd be here if she changed her mind. No response.



I gave her about 4 days to respond, nothing. By that point I felt terrible because I know she's lying to herself and I want to "save" her but I know there is nothing I can do. She's lying to herself about her relationship. It's not a good situation for her and I don't think I need to explain why. Just trust me - it'd be hard for her to get out of her current relationship. I sent her one last message trying to open her eyes and I don't anticipate she will respond to it. It's not something I would normally do but I really don't want her to be unhappy, and I know that's where her current path will take her. I feel twice as bad because 1. She's probably out of my life for good (maybe not, but most likely) and 2. She is in a relationship which will lead to her being unhappy. She knows it but she won't admit it to herself.

So, here I sit having not talked to her in a week. I'm quite depressed. I miss her a lot but I can't make her decisions for her. I am done trying to contact her. It won't do me any good to talk to her unless she can convince herself of the truth. I feel bad because I know I've done all I can and it still wasn't good enough. It's also ironic that me being so awesome seems to be the reason she broke off our friendship. Makes it much worse.

Any tips or insight would be appreciated. Right now I don't expect anything from her. I hope for the best but expect the worst. The only things I can hope for is she just wakes up or her Fiance screws up. Not sure exactly when I'll be able to "move on" as I feel pretty betrayed right now.

[nikkii]

Time heals everything. All I have to say.

[marked174]

Dude the same thing happened to me in real life. Girl I was close with was already serious with another guy. He was one of those really controlling types. When I finally told her my feelings, she told me she needed to think about it. A week later she found out she was pregnant. She decided to stay with him. Something similar might be going on with your girl. There's really nothing you can do here, just remember that you didn't do anything wrong and just move on. Just be glad you don't have to run into her everyday as if you shared a job or a class or something.

[StarryNightDave]

She probably caught on to how you feel about her and thought it would be best to distance herself from you. But, there are 2 factors at work making this worse for you.

1. You probably jumped to many conclusions about her while you were in daily contact. Phone and especially email are very poor communication methods. You can't see the person's face to take in the emotions. So, what we want to believe is sometimes easier to believe simply because our brain is filling in for the missing information.

2. You are probably obsessing right now due to the lack of communications coming from her over the past week. This is another case where the brain is dealing with a lack of information. And, the brain is all too happy to play, "WHAT IF?" Unfortunately, the what ifs are usually very negative.

Contrary to what a lot of people will tell you - the best thing you can do right now is to worry about this as much as you can. Cry and fret and ponder and rack your brain. See how long you can keep it up.

[entropy]

Thanks for the responses so far.

In response to Dave - She knew how I felt well before she broke off contact. It wasn't just phone and e-mail. We would webcam and such between her classes and at night too.

I am extremely confident I am right about her situation.

If you knew the situation or if I went into specific examples I think you would easily see she is not getting what she needs emotionally from the guy. She really never even mentioned him at all at first and once she did start mentioning him it was usually something negative like "he hates my music and yells at me when I keep playing the same song over and over" or she'd go on about how she hated her school and where she lived with him and wanted to move elsewhere but he did not. On top of that, instead of playing a game her Fiance wanted her to play with him - she played WoW with me. Obviously she quit but I don't think she's playing the other game with him still. No way for me to know, though.

There are a lot of things she said to me that you just don't say if you're in a happy relationship.

My take on it is she basically forced herself into a relationship that was "easy" instead of working for one that really makes her happy. Now she's really dependent upon this guy and just doesn't have the will to leave.

Yes. I'm definitely obsessing. I miss her. She was part of my daily routine and now we're done it seems. I'm sure I'll get tired of it eventually. I can't find a good job right now and I'm not in school though so it's much worse to deal with.

[entropy]

I wish I knew how long to wait.

I'm not sure if she'll even bother trying to talk to me again.

[MMtwenty]

I don't know your situation besides what you're willing to share and going off the information I have, "You need to get your head out of your ass." You know whats right for her? She doesn't know whats right for herself. This is a bad situation that could've been avoided many many times, but you decided to stick around. You've been used, plain and simple. She took what she needed from you and you gave willingly. Her unhappiness is no fault but her own, not because you can't save her. Saving people that are unwilling to be saved will only lead to you yourself needing to be saved, hence why you're here.
If I'm out of bounds tell me... remember to protect yourself next time. You won't be able to "save" anyone if you're in a weak state.

[Jakers]

Alright, I'll take a shot at this.

I'm similar to you. 22, I've been told I'm extremely attractive and usually get offers of one night stands when I go out with friends (no, I'm not gloating, I feel it's pathetic that chivalry is dead).

I was also extremely addicted to a MMO as well, though not WoW. I was the leader of the military side of two alliances (about 6000 people) and rarely if ever lost fights on this game. This game was the murderer of many healthy relationships and individuals, but a learning tool I truly required. I'm the leader in real life today because of it. Long story short, I quit to use the skills acquired for real life and the world of Law and Politics.

Don't go back to WoW. You'll regret it.
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As to the relationship issue...

You have called yourself selfless in a previous post. I am one not to judge the merit of this, however, this man she is with has something to offer her you do not. The "want" of giving is completely and utterly different than the "form" of giving.

I hate to say this but love is almost always never enough. I had to learn this the hard way. Perhaps he is the one paying for her school, helping her with rent, buying groceries, etc, etc. She can't leave him because where she is in her life, she needs him. Whether or not she loves him doesn't matter (this situation, but it should matter). The unknown is keeping her to the form of whatever certainty he is giving her.

Ask yourself, can I give her these?

If you can't, move on. Go hang out in a comfortable environment, such as a library, a B&N, campus union, or go out with friends (you haven't ruined anything from your addiction as to not get them back if you have the similar affect on people like I do. You'll be welcomed with open arms). You'll meet someone quickly.

If you can (give her these material things), send her a message on Facebook or email her (her man won't have such access to it as her cell, which he may be paying for). Tell her you can offer more than love and wait, don't pester her. Women hate that shit. You're playing hard to get now.

If she doesn't respond, move on. You tried. Learn from this situation and become a stronger individual. I find today that many people call themselves selfless...well, ya....but with what? Thoughts aren't enough in this world and are selfish.

Don't take what I've said personal, it's what I've had to tell myself to be a healthy (strong and smart) individual for those who truly wish help and meet me halfway. That is selflessness.

Otherwise, helping those who don't take the first step....it's bound for the world of self-destruction.

[Navis Amoris]

I wish I could say something that can help you, but I can't. As someone who is engaged I can tell you that's sometimes it's simply nessecary to cut people off to protect your relationship. I met this girl in college- I believe she's an ENFP or ESFP- and we had amazing chemistry. I talked to her for a while, and noticed myself getting more and more attracted to her. At that point I realized I had to stop connecting with this girl. I basically just stopped initiating conversations, and whenever she talks to me I make sure we only talk about school. She seems to understand why. I'm a lot happier now, and my relationship is a lot stronger. I would've regretted it for the rest of my life if I let things get out of hand. Maybe the girl you like feels the same.

[selchiechildofcassandra]

When I've had this happen or seen it happen with friends, rejecting someone in this way (by cutting them off) is either:

1) it's borderline cheating, or could become so... even if she still wants you to be part of her life, she's depending on you for emotional intimacy and it's unfair to her fiance.
2) she doesn't like you as much as you think, and this is the least dramatic way to end contact
3) something else is going on - she's pregnant, she depends on him financially, family stuff - what is deemed practical wins out - no matter what feelings she's experiencing.

People get into and stay in relationships for all sorts of reasons, and like Jakers mentioned, love usually isn't enough. People are way too complicated for it to be that easy. :( And you can't undo damage from the last/current person or make decisions for someone else, even if you would make better decisions.

The stupidest things I've done in this kind of situation is not listening when people blatantly say up front "I can't be in a relationship right now/I can't be attached to you/you're great, but I'm not over so-and-so"... it always ALWAYS bites me in the ass. People do say what they mean, and if they're not saying "I want you here" then that generally means that they don't.

If she's aware you have feelings for her and that you also are willing to be just a good friend, then you've done all you can do. If she wants to be with you in any capacity, she will be.