Conflict Avoidance and INFJs

Conflict Avoidance and INFJs

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This is a discussion on Conflict Avoidance and INFJs within the INFJ Forum - The Protectors forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; Hey internet INFJs, I was wondering if other INFJs share my problem. It seems obvious that many (if not all) ...

  1. #1

    Conflict Avoidance and INFJs

    Hey internet INFJs,

    I was wondering if other INFJs share my problem.

    It seems obvious that many (if not all) INFJs suffer from some kind of mental illness, generally anxiety and depression. I too have a huge problem with that, but am terrified of drugs and losing my intellectual and emotional quirkiness -- so I stay off the meds.

    Aside from that, one problem that has traveled with me since childhood--and it could be hereditary since my mom (an ISFJ) has it--is my chronic, almost deadly fear of getting in conflict or fights with "other people". I'm okay with resolving, or getting into conflict, with my immediate family who I'm very close to; but any body else, even my best and closest friend (1 in total lol) I cannot handle.

    Being the rarest of male types it is so very hard to live in this world this way.

    I avoid conflict in any and every way possible. I fear it more than I fear death itself (maybe).

    In our society, for a guy to "not stand up for himself" or "not fight back" or "fall apart" is considered wrong. And that is exactly what I do. I am so scared of people getting upset/angry with me, far be it that they get into a fight with me, that I avoid in any way offending or going against anyone's ideas if I know there is a possibility that they might strike back.

    I try hard to rationalize that people don't always mean it and that a person may be angry one day and not another, but nothing works. If anyone gets cross with me face-to-face or over the phone, even, I go into a spirling panic attack. I feel like (and it has happend, actually) that I'm going to start crying... How pathetic is that? ...

    I don't know what to do. Is this something fellow INFJs suffer? Is there a solution? Having to live with this fear is torture everyday...

    Sorry for the long read...
    Last edited by Amittai; 03-02-2009 at 06:14 PM.
    VChosenOne, Selene, HollyGolightly and 6 others thanked this post.



  2. #2

    I used to suffer from depression. I still have sad days, I have days where I wonder if I fall,will I be able to get back up. Anxiety is close to me. I have that still. I don't really like conflict either,but I will stand up for what I believe is right or wrong.

    I was at a party this summer. There was about 100 people around. I heard this commotion going on and this girl and guy were fighting. He was pushing her and pulling her around by her leg. NO ONE did a thing,they all watched. I went right up to them and stopped them. I did not fear a thing. Was it a smart thing to do? Probably not,she/he could of had a weapon or hurt me. I hate when people physically abuse others.

    We will all find ourselves one day..
    gOpheR, Selene and VintageSoul thanked this post.

  3. #3
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Amittai, you're not alone. On my 'bad' days, I will react just as you described, and if someone gets pissy with me, trust is usually GONE, I'll always think they are mad at me from then on. I will do anything to aviod conflict, except with those closest to me whom I trust. (I only have 1 close friend in RL as well). On my good days, I am much better able to cope, and can even get feisty, but it really depends. I know wht you mean about taking meds. I do take them, although it was long hard road finding the right one/dose. Right now I am doing very well, but even drugs cannot stop life from happening, and I had a helluva dose of 'life' last week, as many here know.

    Life is not always easy for us, but I believe we are stronger for it. If the world went to hell, our 1% would survive.
    VChosenOne, Amittai, Mockingbird and 1 others thanked this post.

  4. #4
    INFP - The Idealists

    I'm not an INFJ, but I can relate. Life would be miserable if I were a male, because everything about me would be seen as even more detrimental than it already seems to others, especially things like my fear of conflict and my intense emotions. I wish that I could do away with all gender-related behavioral expectations, because even if it turns out that most men are EST_ types, such generalizations and social pressures are still very damaging to the exceptions.
    VChosenOne, silverlined and Selene thanked this post.

  5. #5

    I feel the exact same way. I get that horrible feeling of being overwhelmed by the desire to cry when people are mad at me or giving me crap over nothing. And a lump forms in my throat; sometimes I can't talk anymore and it's embarrassing. I don't want to offend anyone or inconvenience them so I end up tolerating too much. What I've come to see is that usually people don't extend anywhere near the same amount. I'll do anything to avoid people getting mad at me or two friends getting mad at each other. Just want a calm peace.. ; ;

    It seems like it's hard to overcome, I want to know how people with this problem deal with it.
    VChosenOne, Selene and meiming8 thanked this post.

  6. #6
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Quote Originally Posted by jade View Post
    I feel the exact same way. I get that horrible feeling of being overwhelmed by the desire to cry when people are mad at me or giving me crap over nothing. And a lump forms in my throat; sometimes I can't talk anymore and it's embarrassing. I don't want to offend anyone or inconvenience them so I end up tolerating too much. What I've come to see is that usually people don't extend anywhere near the same amount. I'll do anything to avoid people getting mad at me or two friends getting mad at each other. Just want a calm peace.. ; ;

    It seems like it's hard to overcome, I want to know how people with this problem deal with it.
    sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll.


    seriously if anyone figures that out,let me know
    VChosenOne and jade thanked this post.

  7. #7

    I guess we are eternally screwed...

    but heck, maybe i'll ponder that for the next month lol

  8. #8
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Yeah, I have my moments like you guys have described. Zoloft works wonders. My friend just got on an antidepressant and she pretty much had a stigmatic attitude towards antidepressants before, but she found just like me...that you're the same damn person just not as pissy, irritable, moody...

    Zoloft helps with anxiety. Now aside from medication, prior and while on it, if someone gets in my face and violates my beliefs I have no problem getting right back in their face. I will defend myself and I may go overboard with my indignation. In other words, I have no problem letting someone know about themself. Hell hath no fury like the INFJ scorned.

    Speaking of which...and this could probably go into the thread about ENTP/INFJ, but you know how they say ENTPs love to debate. They're argumentative. I couldn't understand why the ENTP would be the natural partner for the INFJ when we hate conflict and thrive in harmony. But, I am argumentative. I will stand up for myself. And I think it's because of this...we can give as good as we get. So that is why we are a good partner for ENTPs. We can have differing opinions and see it as a conversation. Not a fight. But, should we get into fight mode, we're just as quick-witted and sharp-tongued as they are.
    Enigma thanked this post.

  9. #9

    I don't fear conflict, I just don't like it. For the most part I don't see the sence in it, usually it seems to make little difference. I loathe futility. On occasion something happens or is said and I feel a need, an overwhelming compulsion to insight conflict or escalate it but usually it's on a basis of principal.
    chu thanked this post.

  10. #10
    INFP - The Idealists

    I will avoid it until I get mad then the switch flips and it's go time! Once I get to arguing it's all over. So now I just decide not to argue and will just think of something that makes me smile. It can be evil sometimes too. I still smile though lol Most of the time I just avoid people in general so I don't have to interact with "the others" lol...
    silverlined thanked this post.


 

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