INFJ's - do we have trouble letting go of friendships?

**stormfox** · 03-11-2010 05:38 AM

I admit, I used to have friends who were more like acquaintences. I didn't have the deep and interesting friendships I have now. I had to leave some people behind to find friends worth having. I felt bad about it, but I realised I had to grow out of trying to please everyone. Now I have freinds who energise and uplift me, friends I can rely upon. The effort I put into friendshp is now reciprocated. Anyone else have to leave 'friends' behind?

**Btmangan** · 03-11-2010 06:07 AM

When friends are dragging me down emotionally I don't have any trouble "phasing" them out of my life.

But on the flipside... when someone I consider to be a "good" friend decides not to be friends anymore over something silly, it really, really bothers me like a lot. In fact, I can think of 2 girls that stopped being my friend and I was so devastated that they both assumed that i loved them.

I didn't love either of them... it was just that they were important friends to me and they were killing our friendship over something stupid.

**Female INFJ** · 03-11-2010 03:16 PM

Recently a person who pretended to be my friend, entered my life and exited it three times, strangely...the last time I kind of got angry at myself for letting her in my life, she was the type of person that everyone warned me about (we went to highschool together)....I am not certain what she wanted from me...that did bother me.

I learned last year, to cut off people that were not positive for me...This is a first...I used to hold onto everyone around me, and assume that relationships lasted forever. Now I learned to understand that they come and go, and I don't get attached to anyone any longer, or rely on anyone. If a person doesn't put in any effort with me, I don't put out any effort...I guess I grew up and started to be more realistic.

Some new people have entered my life, that are more positive...I think the thing with friendships also is as we transform, the people we attract are different, so that is part of the departure and arrival....Well this and destiny (but that is another topic). Yes, I had tremendous difficulty in letting go in the past...Now I have no difficulty at all. (took me over 15 years to figure this out) I guess I am slow.

**selchiechildofcassandra** · 03-11-2010 03:55 PM

Originally Posted by stormfox

I admit, I used to have friends who were more like acquaintences. I didn't have the deep and interesting friendships I have now. I had to leave some people behind to find friends worth having. I felt bad about it, but I realised I had to grow out of trying to please everyone. Now I have freinds who energise and uplift me, friends I can rely upon. The effort I put into friendshp is now reciprocated. Anyone else have to leave 'friends' behind?

I used to put my time & energy more equally amongst friends, which exhausted me (and probably frustrated my closest friends cause I never could return their full affection). But now I primarily focus on a few people who mean a lot to me. With the internet, I can drop an occasional note to acquaintances that I don't want to just cut off, but I don't pursue them more than that.

As for leaving friends behind, the only time I do is withdrawing slowly when I know we aren't good for each other, or cutting someone off entirely because they're really hurting me - which is rare.

**darkstar13** · 03-11-2010 07:15 PM

I have great troubles letting go of friendships, I mean friendships that mean alot to me.
Upto now, I haven't even forgotten a friend, even longing to see him again after ten years.
When he left, he said it's better that way, so when we'll have happy memories to look back at, instead of waiting for everything to get sour. (he's an online friend, btw, someone I have never heard the voice of, or seen a picture of).

That's the case for me in general. I have this friend who I know is 70% user, 30% friend. I like being friends with me because he understands me and listens to me. But for all other things, I can't count on him, though he counts on me for almost everything. I had a trouble accepting how can he make me feel okay by listening to me, yet dumps me like crazy for all other things.

Since I have very few friends, all the friends I have kept are very close to me, so I guess letting go of a friend is a terrible situation to do.

**Slider** · 03-11-2010 08:45 PM

Originally Posted by stormfox

I admit, I used to have friends who were more like acquaintences. I didn't have the deep and interesting friendships I have now. I had to leave some people behind to find friends worth having. I felt bad about it, but I realised I had to grow out of trying to please everyone. Now I have freinds who energise and uplift me, friends I can rely upon. The effort I put into friendshp is now reciprocated. Anyone else have to leave 'friends' behind?

Yes. Today, in fact.

I wish I had friends I could count on. It's a lonely, miserable world out there.

**Female INFJ** · 03-12-2010 05:30 AM

Originally Posted by Slider

Yes. Today, in fact.

I wish I had friends I could count on. It's a lonely, miserable world out there.

People are reduced to thinking only about themselves and "what they can get" in a friendly exchange...so it seems like a dark place. Also sometimes, the relationships that turn into deep ones, may not seem deep in the beginning so hang in there. When I felt this way, I turned within, and worked on myself, then, someone with my changes, I was attracting different sets of more positive people...It''s like an attraction also...Look upon the perspective of people that you are around too...most people just want to chill, and kill time until they get married or finish school, or get a job in their career. Then another phase of life comes about, that they have already planned...most people are not interested in stopping and delving into the mysteries of life. They usually lose those people fast. I just try to look at positive points in people, I see in grey now, not black and white, and then go from there...and I try to find similarities with people, if they can do some activities I like, and I do some things that they like, then it's cool...It is lonely but to remedy that, we have to reach out, and crawl out of our shells of comfort.

**dreaming panda** · 03-12-2010 07:26 AM

Yes, I've left friends behind. One of them was very close to me for several years. Well, I don't think she knows that I don't look at her as one of my best friends anymore, but anyway.. I trusted her, she let me down.. I gave her a new chance, and she did it again.. Her friendship didn't bring me peace, trust and love in the way I think it should.. So, we're not close anymore, but I don't hate her or anything like that.. We just didn't work out.

A good friendship, after my opinion, is not a thing to mess with... It's a commitment full of love, trust and energy who makes all parts feel good : )

**selchiechildofcassandra** · 03-12-2010 07:41 AM

Originally Posted by Slider

Yes. Today, in fact.

I wish I had friends I could count on. It's a lonely, miserable world out there.

I'm sorry, buster. Sometimes it's the worst. Virtual hug?

**decided** · 03-12-2010 06:37 PM

I found most of my friendships / acquaintances have ebbed and flowed throughout my life. I've left plenty of people behind, from childhood and primary school, and from various jobs. I see it as just part of the way life changes. We didn't really 'fall out' or anything like that. We just moved on with our lives. I keep in contact with some of them through Facebook now, which is kinda nice.

Then there are those awesome friendships. The ones where you figure out pretty early on that this person is valuable. Somehow you both click, even though you're really different in some cases. And even if you barely get to see each other, you are still best friends, and you will be for life.

It's giving me warm fuzzy feelings just thinking about those people.

*superhugs* for everyone!