[INFJ] INFJ Friendship Issues

INFJ Friendship Issues

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This is a discussion on INFJ Friendship Issues within the INFJ Forum - The Protectors forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; Hey everyone! I'm new to this site but as an INFJ, I wanted to discuss a very irritating and hurtful ...

  1. #1
    INFJ - The Protectors

    INFJ Friendship Issues

    Hey everyone! I'm new to this site but as an INFJ, I wanted to discuss a very irritating and hurtful issue with you. In regards to my friendships, I would say that I only have a handful of "aquaintances" as opposed to actual friends. I'm about to enter my junior year of college, and this has been going on for years now. My entire life, if I did actually make a friend (which is incredibly difficult for me), the friendship would only last about a year because we would both go our separate ways.
    Part of my reasoning is that if the other person doesn't contact me, then they must not be interested in pursuing a friendship with me or they've just grown tired of me. Every single friendship I've ever had in my life has faded into oblivion and it makes me feel absolutely miserable about myself. And, whenever I do reach out to a long lost friend and try to take things deeper (because as an INFJ, I desire authenticity and depth in a friendship), they just shut me out. It's incredibly irritating because I truly desire a strong friendship as opposed to a mere casual aquaintance, but it seems that it will never happen!! Can any of you fellow INFJ's relate to my issue??? (I truly appreciate your input)!

    -Katherine, AKA an irritated, friendless INFJ
    Dauntless, Zech, Kharyzmatiq and 1 others thanked this post.



  2. #2
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Quote Originally Posted by PinkRoseKat21 View Post
    Can any of you fellow INFJ's relate to my issue??? (I truly appreciate your input)!

    -Katherine, AKA an irritated, friendless INFJ
    Katherine,
    Sadly I can, except mine have often followed 6 month cycles or become more shallow the longer they lasted accept one with another INFJ twice my age... in truth my challenge has often involved education settings and peoples' fear of mixing 'real life' and studies, although I do hope that eventual employment will encourage longer lasting bonds conducive to authenticity and personal life.
    Much to my chagrin I cannot offer advice on maintaining close bonds or continue them myself right now.

    *supportive hug of true respect*
    Dauntless, Kharyzmatiq, segway92 and 1 others thanked this post.

  3. #3
    INFJ - The Protectors

    You've helped describe my situation even further, because all of my aquaintances are from an educational setting, but I can never go beyond that. As you've said, it's difficult to mix "real life and studies". Why does it have to be so difficult???!!!
    Dauntless and StElmosDream thanked this post.

  4. #4
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Quote Originally Posted by PinkRoseKat21 View Post
    Part of my reasoning is that if the other person doesn't contact me, then they must not be interested in pursuing a friendship with me or they've just grown tired of me.
    Without knowing much about you, I'd say the root is right here. Challenge this reasoning.

    I think some of the rest is just accepting yourself, your patterns of being, and that those patterns don't necessarily mean anything about how well you make friends. As an INFJ you are an introvert. A responder rather than an initiator--of friendships as well as other things. This makes the "hits" you get fewer, because you're more hidden (and you just plum prefer less people, which I don't think is a problem unless you make it one). So in making friends, keep in mind to make yourself available. In specific, I think an easy trap for introverts to fall into is declining many invitations to hang out. Eventually, the other person stops trying--not because they don't like you, but because who cares to go knocking on a door day after day if they're only getting answered 1 knock out of 100? I don't know if that applies to you, though I find it does to me, and explains why plenty of the good ones "get away" from me.

    Also accept it can also take a long time to develop deeper friendships, and you're not going to be able to hit it off with everybody. I've noticed my own friendships don't really start to deepen until after a year or more of knowing the other person, or unless they are incredibly pushy/I just needed someone to "fall" on at that time (both of which can lead to problems of their own). The people I get deep with were the ones I least expected, the ones that were just kinda always "there" in the background, that I hung out with for one reason or another (work-related, or we were in the same club for the same hobby, or whatever).

    My two little cents on a speed read. I hope it gets better for ya.
    Janus, Dauntless, Kharyzmatiq and 1 others thanked this post.

  5. #5
    INFJ - The Protectors

    You made some great points, but for me I find that no one does the "initiating" in the first place. Since I am better at responding to invitations, rather than giving them out myself, that would be easier for me. However, NO ONE ever gives out the invitations to begin with, and whenever I (reluctantly and awkwardly) initiate, I get rejected. Therefore, I figure "what's the point?" and just put my wall up higher to avoid more rejection. I used to hide myself more and make myself less available, but now I think I'm much better at putting myself out there. Unfortunately, it doesn't appear to do any good.
    Dauntless, Kharyzmatiq and StElmosDream thanked this post.

  6. #6
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Quote Originally Posted by PinkRoseKat21 View Post
    You made some great points, but for me I find that no one does the "initiating" in the first place. Since I am better at responding to invitations, rather than giving them out myself, that would be easier for me. However, NO ONE ever gives out the invitations to begin with, and whenever I (reluctantly and awkwardly) initiate, I get rejected. Therefore, I figure "what's the point?" and just put my wall up higher to avoid more rejection. I used to hide myself more and make myself less available, but now I think I'm much better at putting myself out there. Unfortunately, it doesn't appear to do any good.
    Yes! In my case I have noticed such cliques favour alcohol or carefree socialising or seem more likely to cancel at the last minute in my experience (I often observed herd mentality extroversion; one 'don't fancy xyz' and others dislike 1-1 because the cracks widen socially)...however if you make a course study group date some do 'approve' of this in the name of 'collaboration'... most things tends to be organised on Facebook to be honest when 8/10 seem to be 'last minute deadline friendships.'

    xx
    Dauntless and PinkRoseKat21 thanked this post.

  7. #7
    Unknown Personality

    Here's a very reductionist approach to making friends: "Trust that which gives you meaning and accept it as your guide." -Carl Jung. Ever since I've discovered Temperament typing two years ago, I've enthusiastically inquired if people would allow me to give them a test to figure out their type (using the book Please Understand Me)... Share your interests with others, your visions. Ask them opinions about things you have knowledge to talk about, pull them into your world. Be awkward, share with people the fact that you feel awkward, just be honest with others and those around you. Ask people about things of genuine concern to you, about their lives, their passions, their dreams. Let yourself shine in your own light, and the right people will be drawn to you...
    Dauntless, Kharyzmatiq, Khiro and 1 others thanked this post.

  8. #8
    INFJ - The Protectors


    Quote Originally Posted by Manifestation View Post
    Here's a very reductionist approach to making friends: "Trust that which gives you meaning and accept it as your guide." -Carl Jung.
    What a great line! As for my nanocent weigh in - I am selective, because I want depth AND great qualities = honor, integrity, kindness, loyalty, etc. I have work and personal friends, but the number is small overall.

    Education is great, but why not try to find groups that are inclusive of newcomers: book clubs, Meetup.com has a number of groups of varying interests, etc. - where others are welcoming, and accepting.

    Good luck, and hug of solidarity ~
    PinkRoseKat21 thanked this post.


 

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