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What Makes INFJs Attractive To Other People?

[INFJ] 
51K views 118 replies 43 participants last post by  Veggie 
#1 ·
What are the qualities about INFJs that make them attractive, as friends or otherwise?

Do they have secret powers?
 
#2 ·
I've been informed by an extrovert that I look calm and contemplative. They wish to be more calm and contemplative. Hence the attraction.

Our secret powers are the way we make our way into other's souls. If we want to know you, we want to really know you. And once we know you, we'll always do our part to make sure things turn out well for you. Can't exude that amount of effort on everybody.
 
#4 ·
That was my first impression too. Then I realized that it's not so easy to figure out and that I understand why people are attracted to me because they tell me. The reasons people give are usually similar. I thought this might happen to INFJs at times too.
 
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#5 ·
I've been told that I have a 'calming' demeanor, and am very approachable. Also, I've heard several times that I'm interesting to 'discover', and understand.

I suppose most curious people would find these kinds of traits attractive.
 
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#12 ·
I do not look very approachable at all. I look serious and even cold even though I am not. Then I am not calm most times even though I look it on the surface, I am very intense and emotional and that tends to became apparent eventually

Based on experience I kind of mostly agree with this saying:

INFJ - cold on outside, warm and fuzzy on the inside
INFP - warm and fuzzy inside and out
INTP - warm on the outside, hard as a rock inside
INTJ - cold and hard inside and out

 
#16 ·
I'm an ENFP, and I have a sister who is an INFJ. I've also dated many girls but I only ever fell in love with one, who I believe is an INFJ. I love them both very much for how committed they are to certain ideals, and how they're almost naturally selfless... ENFP's are usually idealistic and require lots of affection, and INFJ's just tend to satisfy everything they want in a person. Those traits make them attractive to everybody, but especially to other idealistic personalities like my own.
 
#18 ·
I'm an ENFP, and I have a sister who is an INFJ. I've also dated many girls but I only ever fell in love with one, who I believe is an INFJ. I love them both very much for how committed they are to certain ideals, and how they're almost naturally selfless... ENFP's are usually idealistic and require lots of affection, and INFJ's just tend to satisfy everything they want in a person. Those traits make them attractive to everybody, but especially to other idealistic personalities like my own.
What do you mean by that? I think INFJs tend to have fairly lofty standards and seem to require specific types of attention.

Yes I dated an ENFP for a long time. It was a bit like dating a puppy. ;)
 
#23 ·
Speaking as an INTJ, I can say that I AM emotional on the inside. However, for INTJs emotions are our weakness and we are extremely cognizant of this. For that reason I am always either oblivious to or deeply suspicious of my own feelings. Bear in mind that there is a difference between appearing emotional on the outside and making decisions based on emotions. To go back to the framework mentioned above:

INFJ - cold on outside, warm and fuzzy on the inside
INFP - warm and fuzzy inside and out
INTP - warm on the outside, hard as a rock inside
INTJ - cold and hard inside and out


Clearly INFJs are not often outwardly demonstrative of their emotions, but on the inside I suspect that they rely on their emotions a great deal in decision making.

INFPs are usually quite demonstrative of their emotions on the outside and they probably base their decisions on these emotions.

INTPs can appear to be demonstrative of their emotions even when, as I suspect, these emotions play only a marginal role in their decision making.

INTJs rarely ever demonstrate any emotions outwardly and internally we actively avoid making decisions based on emotion (usually with considerable success).

This does not mean we do not possess emotions or are unaffected by them. I feel them quite deeply, but because I am aware of their potential to mislead me, I deliberately attempt to suppress and ignore them.
 
#31 ·
It seems to me you people know me better than I do XD

Speaking as an INTJ, I can say that I AM emotional on the inside. However, for INTJs emotions are our weakness and we are extremely cognizant of this.
I think I already heard this, but I don't get why? Why are they a weakness? I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the whole INTJ feeling disconnect thing.

For that reason I am always either oblivious to or deeply suspicious of my own feelings.
It's just me, but how can you be oblivious? I think I get the suspicious part. We're more alike then we think... I think XD I also like to avoid decisions based on emotions, but the thing is with me it's really hard to separate the two, and emotions have such a strong influence it's sometimes hopeless to resist, even if I know I'm wrong.

 
Bear in mind that there is a difference between appearing emotional on the outside and making decisions based on emotions. To go back to the framework mentioned above:

INFJ - cold on outside, warm and fuzzy on the inside
INFP - warm and fuzzy inside and out
INTP - warm on the outside, hard as a rock inside
INTJ - cold and hard inside and out

Clearly INFJs are not often outwardly demonstrative of their emotions, but on the inside I suspect that they rely on their emotions a great deal in decision making.

INFPs are usually quite demonstrative of their emotions on the outside and they probably base their decisions on these emotions.

INTPs can appear to be demonstrative of their emotions even when, as I suspect, these emotions play only a marginal role in their decision making.

INTJs rarely ever demonstrate any emotions outwardly and internally we actively avoid making decisions based on emotion (usually with considerable success).

This does not mean we do not possess emotions or are unaffected by them. I feel them quite deeply, but because I am aware of their potential to mislead me, I deliberately attempt to suppress and ignore them.
I wonder how come some people disregard their actions if they have emotions to them, and other disgard them if they don't. Each type thinks that otherwise their actions would be wrong, yet neither are wrong, both (can) live nicely...

 
I think longer term INFJs may value stability at least in terms of emotions. However I think they've often got an incessant though secret need for spontaneity where they may appreciate more unpredictable emotional interaction (just a theory). Perennialurker: Do you think that INTJs can develop romantic obsessions? I've never seen this with the INTJs I know, but they may be excellent at hiding it.

The deep desire for learning and the superbly considered theories that follow in long rambling soliloquies (after perhaps a month of fumbling) make me get all Feey.

I've successfully contributed to the derailing of my own thread. Thanks for trying to save it though.
Not just a theory, a masterful critical hit! I never expected someone to read us so well.

Agree, logically I think I need stability but to be honest there is a very strong part of me that longs for the spontaneous and a freedom from the controlled, pre-plan person that is generally me. However, long term I think I value overall stability more in a partner.
I think I can sometimes really be the "having your cake and eating it too" kinda guy. It's about somehow having everything you want. A relationship which you know is stable, but at the same time you can be yourself, and spontaneous with your partner. Similar with that emotion/thinking based decision making. Both are present, I'm torn between the two. Imagine both emotions and thinking to be equally important. It's hell.
 
#24 ·
Now to answer the original question of this forum: What makes INFJs attractive to other people?

As I mentioned above, I actively suppress my own emotions because they are perceived as being misleading and dangerous, so the idea of being with someone who is so in tune with their emotions, and with whom I can safely experience (and occasionally express) emotions sounds wonderful. Also my line of work (as I suspect is common with many INTJs) provides little in the way of emotional comfort or warmth. A premium is placed on being tough, calculating, and hardheaded. All of this is fine for most of my life, but it would be nice just to be with someone who values me for who I am rather than what task I can complete for them.

Furthermore, INFJs seem to have a deep intellect and interest in learning that not all Fs share.

Finally, INFJs are more subdued than their F cousins whose emotional volatility can be unnerving to INTJs. Speaking for myself, I value stability and INFJs appear to value that too. (Please correct me if I'm wrong though!)
 
#26 ·
I think longer term INFJs may value stability at least in terms of emotions. However I think they've often got an incessant though secret need for spontaneity where they may appreciate more unpredictable emotional interaction (just a theory). Perennialurker: Do you think that INTJs can develop romantic obsessions? I've never seen this with the INTJs I know, but they may be excellent at hiding it.

The deep desire for learning and the superbly considered theories that follow in long rambling soliloquies (after perhaps a month of fumbling) make me get all Feey.

I've successfully contributed to the derailing of my own thread. Thanks for trying to save it though.
 
#33 ·
The only type that seems to like me are other introverted types -- Particularly INTP's. On paper is a nice friendship, and I'm sure it would be a neat relationship...but I seriously need to date an extrovert, which I don't attract at all, for the most part.

I thought extroverts were supposed to like INFJ's??

Maybe I'm just an ass...

yes.
 
#35 · (Edited)
On http://personalitycafe.com/myers-briggs-forum/109962-introvert-type-attraction-repulsion.html thread by @RoSoDude (an excellent theory about the circular and hideously non-reciprocal nature of benefactor attractions, occurring between types with the same ([2]auxiliary-[4]inferior) and ([1]dominant-[3]teritary ) functions.

Dude! You're a freakin genius! Yeah, the fantasy of being an isfp taunts me all the time. I have this idealized dream of being one. I am also highly attracted to the ones I meet in both a romantic and friendship sense.

So basically all I need to do is chameleon myself into an ISFP and then run. That will teach those wily INFJs.

Yeh that's playtime for me.

INTP: Ti.Ne.Si. Fe
ISFP: Fi.Se.Ne.Te

Nooooo problem. Err.
 
#38 ·
Huge INFJ fan :kitteh:

And yes, they do have secret powers. Especially the male 5s, even though I’m sure the rest of them are equally as lovely. I’ll try to generalise what I’m saying, but it’s very likely that this is going to be an homage to how much I love my boyfriend, so excuse the narcissism and just try and generalise, please :laughing:

On a superficial level, I love how calming and reassuring INFJs are. I feel like a leech sometimes the way that I just feed off of my boyfriend’s calming energy; I call him Gandhi and Obi-Wan Kenobi because he’s just so unbelievably zen all the time, even when he’s angry. Like @perennialurker said, when you’re a fumbling hot mess where your feelings are concerned, someone who is emotionally intelligent and considerate can be incredibly attractive and this is part of the reason why I find male NFs amazing friends/partners: while I’m fairly reticent to deal with my feelings on my own, I don’t mind experiencing them at all in a warm, safe environment with someone who will hold my hand and coddle me. I have literally never been as emotionally vulnerable with anyone as I routinely am with my boyfriend and I find his ability to foster that kind of atmosphere with me incredibly sexy. He’s a very stable and trustworthy person. You commented that INFJs have an incessant/secret need for emotional spontaneity, @Ista, and I would say that that conforms quite strongly to my experiences with my boyfriend. I know that he likes emotional stability and for everyone to get along and be happy, but he also (to my eternal relief) seems to be attracted to the kind of volatility that I bring into our relationship. If I were more stable, I almost wonder if our relationship would fizzle out. In any case, he loves to “fix” me and I don’t have nearly as many qualms about sharing my feelings with him. On a very basic level, he does long for freedom and spontaneity.

At the same time, I find the reserved intellectual nature of INFJs (especially 5s) reassuring – with other feelers, there’s a sense in which I sometimes feel mismatched with them because we don’t have a lot in common. I’m cerebral and cold, they’re warm and practical, but INFJs are the best of both worlds. I have no qualms about admitting that my boyfriend is more intelligent than I am and I love to pick his brain about literally every single topic I can think of. Maybe I’m just spoiled to Ne, having both an ENFP best friend and an ENTP roommate, but there is this amazing depth and nuance about the way he thinks that I adore. I sometimes feel guilty with my ENP friends for being so one track minded sometimes because I know that they like to bounce around from one idea to the next, but my boyfriend is always willing to obsess about something with me and analyse it from as many perspectives as we possibly can and that's a lot of fun for me. I find him more alluring intellectually than literally anyone that I have ever known before and he enriches my life in a similarly superlative fashion. I love how much he loves to learn. INFJs are this really alluring combination of old-as-the-world, but also so socially awkward that they’re almost childlike they seem to be so painfully innocent – I find them both equal parts attractive and irritating, depending on the circumstances :laughing: There are times when my boyfriend seems like a scared, hopeless little boy (lost alone in the world) that practically rip my heartstrings out of my chest and there are also times when he’s being so oblivious and hopeless that I just want to throw my hands in the air and cry.


 
Also, LOL @ INTJs being cold on the inside. I dunno, maybe my emotions still are somewhat cold because I’m an Fi user, but I am literally one of the most emotionally volatile people I know and I have very deep emotions. The feelings as weakness bit is really difficult to explain, but it’s very accurate and it’s because I have this relationship with them that I do work really hard to control them, to varying levels of success. When I’m angry or upset about something, I’m absolutely consumed by my feelings and I feel an uncharacteristic drive to do something about them. I can’t hardly think of anything else until I’ve purged them, and then it’s relatively easy for me to settle again. It’s a very unproductive process that takes a long time and that irritates me because there are usually lots of other things I’d rather be doing than trying to sort my way through things I don’t understand and generally make me feel hopeless and confused. For @Nenad, I’ll share that I’m oblivious to my feelings in the sense that I know something feels weird when I’m upset, but it takes me a really long time to put my finger on exactly what has roused my feelings. As an INTJ, I don’t like that feeling of open-endedness and so I’m rather compulsively driven to try and figure out what it is, in a process which like I mentioned before is incredibly draining and time-consuming.
 
#115 ·
At the same time, I find the reserved intellectual nature of INFJs (especially 5s) reassuring – with other feelers, there’s a sense in which I sometimes feel mismatched with them because we don’t have a lot in common. I’m cerebral and cold, they’re warm and practical, but INFJs are the best of both worlds. I have no qualms about admitting that my boyfriend is more intelligent than I am and I love to pick his brain about literally every single topic I can think of. Maybe I’m just spoiled to Ne, having both an ENFP best friend and an ENTP roommate, but there is this amazing depth and nuance about the way he thinks that I adore. I sometimes feel guilty with my ENP friends for being so one track minded sometimes because I know that they like to bounce around from one idea to the next, but my boyfriend is always willing to obsess about something with me and analyse it from as many perspectives as we possibly can and that's a lot of fun for me. I find him more alluring intellectually than literally anyone that I have ever known before and he enriches my life in a similarly superlative fashion. I love how much he loves to learn
You wrote this a little over two years ago but it's so edifying for me to read this. My best friend is an INTJ and the fact that we're both male results in us arguing all the time about politics, religion, girls,...you name it. I know he respects what I have to say though and being four years younger I also know he looks up to me.
 
#46 ·
React harshly, nasty undertones, to be quite honest could be applied to me. I hate that about myself but it is true. As much as I can admire and respect and love and protect, I can anihilate if hurt badly enough. It kills me when people are shocked because I then know that I never really mattered because the weren't listening to me all along.
 
#57 ·
I am exploring ideas. That is what I usually do with INFJs. It leads to mixed messages apparently. INFJs don't seem to like direct statements as much as they claim to. At least with this one, my Fe does get through my Ti.

Everything people have said here is helping me to build a model and understand the INFJ-INTP attraction. Once I understand it, I can kill it. After the attraction is over, there may be other things worthy of exploring, or not. The attraction is dangerous because it's so uncontrollable. It's not an equal relationship.

I'm not much into Socionics, but on this it seems to be right on the money.

That is, the relationship between an INTP (or INTj in socionics) and an INFJ (an INFp in socionics) goes like this:

Personality
Relating to the INTP
MBTI
Functions
Socionics
Relationship
Socionics Relationship
Summary
Latest
YouTube
Videos
You-Know Threads
INFJ
INFp
Benefactor"These relations are asymmetrical. One partner, called the Benefactor, is always in a more favourable position in respect to the other partner who is known as Beneficiary. INFJ is the Benefactor to INTP, who is the Beneficiary. The Beneficiary thinks of the Benefactor as an interesting and meaningful person, usually over-evaluating them in the beginning. The Beneficiary can be impressed and delighted by their partner's behaviour, manners, thoughts and their ability to easily deal with things that the Beneficiary conceives as complicated." [...]YouTubeYou're an INFJ When..
 
#51 ·
Re: Being judgmental -- that probably applies to me. My sister, for example, diagnoses me as judgmental sometimes and it hurts me because she doesn't realize that just because I have a certain moral code doesn't mean I can't be understanding or empathetic toward people who don't follow a similar code. It annoys me when people don't try to understand me, or don't see/acknowledge the complexities under which I operate, because I spend a great deal of time thinking about how they operate. :unsure:

Regarding special powers: Watch out, because many of ours are psychoanalysis. That's mine, anyway. I like to think I can discern motivations within people that even they themselves are not aware of, for good or ill (of course it's hard to figure out if I'm actually right, but sometimes time will tell). I'm the go-to friend for complex psychological problems, because I'm willing to listen and dissect long stories and turn them into a cohesive behavioral analysis.

...So if you're trying to figure out your INFJ specifically to get rid of him/her, he/she might figure out your plan and be incredibly resentful of such intentions. Fair warning. :cool:
 
#54 ·
On Analyzing INFJs:
 
Re: Being judgmental -- that probably applies to me. My sister, for example, diagnoses me as judgmental sometimes and it hurts me because she doesn't realize that just because I have a certain moral code doesn't mean I can't be understanding or empathetic toward people who don't follow a similar code. It annoys me when people don't try to understand me, or don't see/acknowledge the complexities under which I operate, because I spend a great deal of time thinking about how they operate. :unsure:
I'm the go-to friend for complex psychological problems, because I'm willing to listen and dissect long stories and turn them into a cohesive behavioral analysis. ...So if you're trying to figure out your INFJ specifically to get rid of him/her, he/she might figure out your plan and be incredibly resentful of such intentions. Fair warning. :cool:
Yes, I do feel like I'm playing with fire. I'm not trying to get rid of the INFJ (unless I have to). I'm just trying to control the situation. I'm not sure there is any place left to go from here. My usual solution is to ignore the person for a while. That seems to push the INFJ's buttons more than anything else. Perhaps because they try to break through to my isolation chamber (as a way of "helping").

I get the feeling that the isolation chamber is more like a red rag to a bull. The attention seems to be on the INFJ and the INFJ's terms more than mine. The more comfortable I am away from the INFJ, the more time they want to spend.

The more time I want to spend talking, the less time they want to spend. It does feel like being around an INFP in the respect that, when the INFJ wants to spend time with me, there's a persistence, almost a demanding aspect to it. I get the sense that if I don't fulfil the INFJ's time requirements, then I'm no longer to be considered as a friend.

On Dating an ENFP:
 
been there. i wanted to call her my tomagotchi. dating myself a little here. for those who do not what a tomagotchi is. it is a little keychain sized LCD toy that requires you to attend to it at all random hours of the day so it can grow from an egg to whatever creature it becomes. it requires you to feed it, water it, make it sleep, exercise it, you get the idea.
on a side note. if you can still find it online, the "tomagothi" flash game is a funny spoof. if you keep turning the lights on and off like a strobe light when it wants to sleep and give it uppers/stimulants, and you don't kill it, it grows up to be a raver!
I wish my ENFP grew up to be a raver. (They were sure capable of releasing strobe lights when I was trying to sleep). disappoint.
 
#58 ·
when it comes to the (hot/cold) on the (in/out)side chart. i heard that is how we are perceived not how we are.

as to the original question. i have been told by people they like that i am:
cool under fire/adversity
mysterious air about me
intellectual
paying attention
reliable
rarely wrong
the go to person for answers
the go to person to cry on a shoulder

though sometimes not liked for:
being rarely wrong
paying attention and finding things (people do not always want you to notice things or they are trying to wing it/hide something)
being mysterious
too cool under fire / where is the emotion?
too intellectual
 
#66 ·
It's stamped all over him in variably styled fonts. Also, he took a test.
 
#68 ·
Ista, I have listened to all your thoughts...While, I understand that I do only know what you have told me (a HUGE INFJ weakness, we must rely on people's honesty), I feel I know enough to help you. I'm going to tell you the truth and most people say they want the truth but they don't.

This situation is more about you and less about this "INFJ". More introspection is needed. You must decide what role, if any, you want this person to play in your life. You must clearly define that role and effectively communicate it to your "INFJ".

This INFJ does NOT do well with MIXED SIGNALS...I will employ whatever method needed to get to the bottom of someone's behavior.
 
#72 ·
Ista, I have listened to all your thoughts...While, I understand that I do only know what you have told me (a HUGE INFJ weakness, we must rely on people's honesty)..
The implication is that if you haven't been told all the information (which obviously you haven't and never will be), that people are being dishonest to you.

I feel I know enough to help you. I'm going to tell you the truth and most people say they want the truth but they don't.
Is there only one truth? Just asking?

This situation is more about you and less about this "INFJ". More introspection is needed.
It's not. If I introspect into myself any more I'm going to disappear into my belly button.

You must decide what role, if any, you want this person to play in your life.
Yes, I agree. Though I do not see people as roles. I try to go with the flow. That's why my desire is to understand our interaction from a personality perspective (that is, to achieve an understanding of not the INFJ and not the INTP, but the connection between them).

Sometimes in doing that the focus must be on one or the other, but ultimately I think it needs to be on the thing that is created when the two people interact.

You must clearly define that role and effectively communicate it to your "INFJ". This INFJ does NOT do well with MIXED SIGNALS...I will employ whatever method needed to get to the bottom of someone's behavior.
That's good advice, and reinforces what someone else said here too, so thanks for that. It is something I've learned from this thread.
 
#71 ·
WOW. High Horse alert. You are on your own. This INFJ thinks you aren't telling the WHOLE truth or story...I also think you sound like Archie Bunker. I usually stop wasting my time at this point but you are a jerk and I had to get that off my chest.

Peace
 
#73 ·
If you write in capitals, that means you're yelling. Not sure if you were aware of that. Hopefully we've both learned something from this thread now.

Eg.
 

Sorry, not good enough to qualify as INFJ. It just simply isn't. Most INFJ's can't even recognize another INFJ, that is a fact.

One online personality test just doesn't cut it - FOR ANYONE TRYING to figure out their personality type. I have had 3 personality tests conducted by a liscenced psychologist. Also, I have taken online tests. I have also taken the Eneagram.

I'm not an expert on Myers-Briggs, however, I know enough to say more research is needed into this person's personality. To complicate things further, we have shadow functions. INFJ's are ENTP's when under stress. So just because "he has INFJ written all over him", well means nothing. He could be ESTP under stress.

OH, and we haven't even started talking about personality disorders...Nope, your methods of "personality diagnosis" are just not accurate.

INFJ's are the RAREST personality type. Statistically, meeting an INFJ, isn't easy - PERIOD. He might be INFJ but basing your decisions on how to approach this person... Well, put it this way, if you were a surgeon, there is NO WAY IN HELL that I would let you operate on me because you just haven't done your homework.
 
#82 ·
#78 ·
There is so much personal variability that what one person finds attractive another person may not. Gender, personality, and experience are extremely important in thinking about what makes an infj attractive. And to some extent I think that may invalidate the question.

Unconditionally, if your sexy people want to know you.

Conditionally, maybe other people find intimacy as attractive as I do. Some people believe 'you can never truly know another person' I disagree and think that is a sweeping generalization. If you are let into the world of an infj you can be pretty sure they truly want you to know them. And you will know them as long as trust is developed. That type of intimacy is the most attractive thing to me, and psychologically, it will make a person seem more physically attractive, too.

plus infj's are naturally mysterious i guess, and we're all curious cats so that definitely draws certain people a little bit.
 
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