[lamber]

Here's the thing, INFJs are constantly described as having great insight into people, and i agree with that as I can always sense when a person has bad intentions or is very superficial. And if those people try to put on a 'nice' face to the world, I find those people REPULSIVE. And by that adjective I mean I hate talking to them and just wish I could tell everyone the rotten core I see in them!! However, I always have to keep these feelings completely to myself because other people don't understand and when I try to tell them or explain to them they think I am being overly harsh and critical almost a bit of a bitch!!!
So i was just wondering how other INFJs deal with it, because I just cannot imagine that every other INFJ has to deal with the same amount of frustration I experience when I encounter 'fakely nice' people.
And also, how is it that other people just miss it when people are being fake?? I just don't understand because it is so obvious to me...is it that they do not value authenticity or is it that they dismiss it because as long as a person contributes to an easy going social atmosphere, then any 'fakeness' is forgivable? I dont understand please help!!!

[Bett]

I think this is a usual dilemma to many INFJs, as we have the ability to see through people in a way many other types can't. Since this is often this is based on our intuition, not on facts, it is also not likely that we can convince other people that someone has bad intentions. This can be especially horrible if for example your friend is entering a relationship with this kind of a person and you know it's not going to end up well, but you still can't make him/her believe they should not do it.

But as for dealing with those people, I usually just behave in a polite and proper, yet cold way around this kind of people. It's good to keep a certain distance but refrain from any hostility as you thought as well. They're just something you need to get used to, or rather, learn to ignore. They aren't worth your time and feelings.

In case you have to associate yourself more closely with this kind of people, I think the best way to handle the situation is to manipulate them back. A simple but a bit ugly method. From my experience it actually works - these "falsely nice" people have a certain to be gullible, all the more if you just show them your nice INFJ side.

[Kanon]

My mother is very manipulative, so growing up, I gained a lot of experience on how to handle manipulative people. The best method is to be kind and sincere, but keep them at a distance. For example, if a manipulative coworker asks to socialize with you outside of the work environment, be direct, and let that person know that you would rather keep your relationship with him/her professional.

Usually these types of people can only act superficial because they can only perceive what is on the surface in others. When my mother used to date quite often, she would always attract superficial men. I never understood how she could be so oblivious to how transparent their acts were. Despite warning her, she always had to find out the hard way.

Here are a few things that may help when dealing with superficial people:

1) Never allow them access to any information that you do not want them to have.

2) Make your relationship clear in the beginning.
Do not let them throw the F word (Friends) around you if you do not consider them one. Otherwise they will assume they are, and have the right to use you as they wish.

3) If you go out of your way for them, let them know that it is a 'one time deal' upfront.
If they need you to cover a shift on your day off, make sure that they know that is not going to be their new personal holiday on future schedules.

[sweetsolitude]

oh my gawd i have also found this to be such a difficult issue. there's a difference between dealing with just fake niceness/superficiality and dealing with actual manipulation though. i completely agree with you that an INFJ has a particular ability to see through fakeness. sometimes i feel like it's a curse in a way (makes it hard to like very many people since soooo many people are just posturing all the time).

if i walk into a room full of people, i can instantly tell you who is mad at who, who is scoping out who, which couple is not happy, etc. i once made the mistake of pointing out someone's bad vibe/intentions to my boyfriend at the time and he accused me of making it up and being a bitch. yes, we do have to keep it to ourselves apparently, unless we're with another INFJ i guess, then you could compare notes?

my experience with manipulators has primarily been with boyfriends who would give me things or do things for me (whether i wanted them or not) to try to force me into loving them, to obligate me to love them. it makes me want to puke and of course it achieved the exact opposite. some advice i've received on this issue, if it's a person you can't just completely break ties with and avoid, is to not let them manipulate you. whatever they're trying to get you to do, don't do it. have as little involvement as possible with them.

[sweetsolitude]

i forgot to add an example. with one boyfriend who was constantly giving me things in a "see how much i give you? see how much i do for you? see what a great guy i am?" kind of way, i eventually just told him that i felt like he was manipulating me, trying to force me into loving him, and that from then on, i wasn't going to accept any more "gifts" from him. he did get it, sort of. he acknowledged that he was trying to manipulate me, and i think he made an effort to stop doing it, but ultimately he couldn't quit and we broke up.

[Rouge]

Great thread. I also think it can be a curse to see through people so easily- it makes it harder to like humanity in general. On why others cannot do the same, I have several theories:

(1) They think everyone will always be objective and rational because this is the way they structure their world. But they forget that "objective" is subjective when it comes to people, and people are often ruled by their emotions.

(2) They are unwilling to believe that others can be mean and have bad intentions, so they make excuses for them or give them the benefit of doubt.

(3) They see relationships as transactional. They can go along with the pretense as long as they get something back in return.

(4) While they want people they like to be genuine to them, they don't see why they have to be the same to those they dislike. I observe that some people get a real kick of pulling one over and tripping up those they regard as competition or "outsiders".

(5) Some people pad up their self-esteem with pretensions. Sometimes they even buy totally into these pretensions.

I know it's very cynical to make all these points. But authenticity in people is something I've spent a lot of time thinking about over the years. I used to distance myself away from people who try to manipulate me. But I realise that even people I love can also be manipulative... and this quality can exist side-by-side their other good qualities. Barring whopping lies and deliberate hurtfulness, I am sometimes willing to go along with loved ones. But I do tease them about their intentions in in a highly ironic way. When people realise I can see through them, they often pull less of such nonsense in the future. This is only possible when they care for me and want to maintain my esteem for them. For those who don't and carry on and on with their manipulations, I often have no qualms pulling the plug. I don't care about surrounding myself with people if they're going to prove toxic to me over the long run.

[INFpharmacist]

For those who don't and carry on and on with their manipulations, I often have no qualms pulling the plug. I don't care about surrounding myself with people if they're going to prove toxic to me over the long run.

Yep! It's easier to cut them out of my life. "Where are the scissors?"

[decided]

I like being able to see past people’s behaviour, to what they are really like. Helps me find people and make meaningful connections, while avoiding others.

It took me a long time to realise that others don’t do this. I suppose I could try to share my insights with them, but they don't always appreciate it, and they often need to learn things the hard way. *shrug*

I don’t find it particularly frustrating dealing with fakely nice people. I just keep them at a distance and go about my usual business. The people who are insecure and are fakely mean can be a little difficult to get through to, but I can be persistent when I can tell I've struck gold.

[lamber]

WOW everyone is being so helpful thankyou so mcuh ahhah great to actually have people agree to what i have been thinking!!
-------------------------------------

Great thread. I also think it can be a curse to see through people so easily- it makes it harder to like humanity in general. On why others cannot do the same, I have several theories:

don't you find it so frustrating that we'll never actually know the reason people are 'fake' and all we can do is generate theories???

[Cumbersaurus]

I feel exactly this way a lot of the time! Unfortunately I really can't get away from it. My older brother has narcissistic personality disorder and my dad has both NPD and antisocial personality disorder; they are both pathological "fakers", and very manipulative, so I guess you could say from day one I was forced into developing hypervigilance about this sort of behavior. It's very difficult knowing that I am so closely related to people who live like they do; because I grew up with them, I feel like they're a part of me. Sometimes they make me so mad that I really can't be in my house. I can understand the rage that comes from watching people pretend to be someone they're not. (And get-togethers with extended family are a nightmare... at first I can't stand the fakeness, then after about an hour I manage to numb myself enough to just be able to wallow in it for a little while, then when it's all done I hate myself for ever becoming numb to it. It just feels like madness.)

I handle my brother by constantly giving him the silent treatment, and my usual strategy with dad is to just let him think he has me fooled about his character, but keep a lot of distance so that he doesn't have an opportunity to manipulate me. (He doesn't live with me now that my parents divorced 3 years ago) As for all other fakers, I do my best to avoid them like the plague... unless by some unfortunate turn of events they become friends with one of my friends. when this happens I will find some subtle way to let the faker know that I don't approve of them, usually consisting of at least one well-timed facial expression communicating absolute contempt. :D Somehow it makes things tense enough for them to at least be significantly less comfortable with whatever sneaky plans they originally had in mind.

the way I see it, there are a lot of people out there who really do intend to hurt those around them for their own personal gain, and pretending to be nice is the easiest way to get there. the last thing I want to do is be an enabler.
and speaking as a person who is sometimes tempted to become a fake as well, I will say that there is a usually small but sometimes very loud voice in the corner of my mind that tells me that I would be much easier for people to understand and love if I created for myself a one-dimensional, completely fake character to play when in social situations. I sometimes feel like I am too complicated or too judgemental or too this or that, and I feel unlovable, so I want to be somebody else. I think this idea is another big reason why people pretend to be something they're not; they are hoping you like illusion, because they are sure you won't (and probably think you shouldn't) like the reality.