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This is a discussion on How did you know they were "the one"? within the INFJ Forum - The Protectors forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; -snip-...
In fact, after telling some of our mutual friends... most people can not believe I am dating him. I just told a friend of mine today and he thought I was joking. So it was a shocking thing for many people, myself included; this was not an expected turn of events.
Well I've always thought he was a handsome guy but I wasn't attracted to him for awhile. In the beginning we didn't get along well to be honest ~ we rubbed each other the wrong way but kept the friendly facade. It wasn't until we started talking that we realized we were both on the same page. A lot of the confusion stemmed from miscommunications and our own insecurities or projections of what we thought the other meant.I think these gut feelings are also tied into attraction.
The more attracted I am to someone, the more it "feels" right, and the more effort I'm willing to make to protect the relationship.
If a relationship feels wrong, I'm much more likely to see problems (that I might have ignored or fixed otherwise) as a realization of my instincts.
It can be a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'd argue that if you feel better about this guy, it's because you're attracted to him more, which is a great sign as far as building a strong relationship.
I'm inclined to believe that the more you're attracted to someone it serves to be a self fulfilling prophecy. However, judging from my last relationship, I was soooo entirely enamored and attracted to my ex to the point where I jumped into a relationship with him despite the fundamental difference we had in our ideas and approaches; I still wanted to date him and felt it could work out despite knowing there would be much compromise on both our ends.
Since that failure, it took me 3 years to leave it all behind (I was still waiting for him thinking we could make it work lol). Self-fulling prophecies are very likely... but I also think there's a lot more to it than just merely 'believing therefore making it happen'. No matter how attracted I am to someone, I can not change what would make me content in one ~ say for example someone who is naturally very affectionate. It's also a matter of how much the other person wants to be with you as you do with them which allows for compromise (you can't be the only one compromising)... and I haven't really met an equal in that respect, until now.
Perhaps it might be a self fulfilling prophecy? In my experience with both previous relationships, I have wanted things to work out only to have it fail (dooms day feeling).... with this one, I am able to accept that it might not work out despite feeling like I don't need to 'try to make it work out' because it simply does. It's different... I can't explain it too well but it's really nothing I have ever 'felt' before since I've never been in a relationship that is effortless in terms of values, principles, and the desire to make things work even though it simply does.
But WHO knows? Perhaps I am DEAD wrong with my assessment.... only time will tell; until then I enjoy cross referencing with other people despite our skewed assessments of our own love lives. If there's an inkling of truth, I'm willing to sit and listen. Interpretation of reality is something I'm all too aware of and make plenty of acceptions for =]
Last edited by Ethanol; 07-04-2012 at 10:52 PM.
it's funny that I'm sitting here trying to answer this question, I should be able to answer.....being a married INFJ
I think it's because you never really know for sure, if a person really was the one until the end...I'd like to say that I can feel it, that his love is sincere...
but i don't know what the future holds....I can't be absolutely positive/ sure....
for all I know he could end up cheating on me, in that case he certainly wouldn't be the one....
When I can look back, as an old woman/ or however old I am when I'm passing
and genuinely know that
our love never died
then I'd know for sure that he was the one.
until then I can only speculate..... allowing myself to love back despite the fact I'll never know for sure
If you're expecting your soulmate to be love at first sight, you might never find what you're looking for.
The problem with "the one" question is this: You never know until both of you have been through each other's thick-and-thin--and that requires a lengthy time and endless patience of love and respect.
Ultimately, a soulmate is someone you can grow with, and the only way to grow together is to face challenges together. So if you put your heart and soul into a relationship, stick with it through the ups and downs, even when you question whether it's meant to be, and you might look back decades later and realize that you were with your soulmate all along.
Thus, the twist of seeking "the one" is this: You won't be able to find it as it should be an enlightening epiphany of self-discovery.
This is going to be a haphazard response to previous posts. Sorry about that. I often visit this thread and re-read all of your posts and think about what's been said. Sometimes it takes awhile for the responses to hit me in a new way or for me to think up of a worthy response haha =D
Arclight; I just wanted to say that your post really touched on some things that I've felt too. I've just shortened the quote above to what I feel were the key points that hit me.
I had to do alot of deep soul searching and reevaluating what went wrong and why from my past. I came to this point where I was at peace with it all, with the idea of love and my own insecurities. I totally feel at peace with ALOT of things that I struggled with in adolescence. I'm not sure what happened, maybe I just matured AWHOLE lot because of the myriad of crazy life experiences in my early twenties? Who knows?
I do often wonder if it's not him, but rather me being at peace that makes it easy to love again :] Regardless though, I still can't deny his contributions to our relationship, it takes two to tango ;]
Thanks for this!
Mary Magee; Appreciate the response. Oddly enough, I can relate to this.
I feel like he's my best choice but at the same time I know I can't absolutely be sure that it will 'all work out' in the future. I made this post with the intention of cross referencing other people's experiences. I'm afraid to jinx myself by feeling the way I do about such a thing.
I am all to aware that I can't predict the future and that I'll never know for sure. I'm glad to see your response...
I'm looking forward to getting to the point where you are; being able to look back and see the journey you two shared :D
Misha; I made my boyfriend read the "Male ENFP's Crushes" thread I created on the ENFP subforum awhile back that you responded to ;D He read the entire thread and said that your assessment of how he was acting is 'dead accurate' LOL
So Misha, I'm glad to let you know that you, my friend, are great at reading ENFP intentions (more so than other ENFPs it seems).
I look forward to your responses :]
And thanks for the words of wisdom ~ I'll keep it in mind :D
@Ethanol : Just want to let you know that I sincerely wish you guys will work out. When it comes to romantic relationship, I had learned many things from my ex-ENFP, and in return he said the same thing about me.
It'll be a rewarding journey. Just keep in mind that both types are extremely sensitive to criticisms among other NF types I believe. My experience during heated conflicts with ENFP is this: For INFJ, leave immediately if you can and come back when you had cooled down. When it comes to dealing with his anger, just simply leave him alone.
And then try to talk things out peacefully when both of you are sure that the confrontation won't backfire you. Very often, those conflicts I'd experienced is mostly due to misread based on our difference of hyperactive Ni and Ne, which can lead both parties to jump into conclusion, sometimes too far.
Best of luck!
@Misha; Thanks! Fortunately there have been no arguments yet :]
I use to be a type 4 Enneagram 3 years ago while I was dating my ex, and we butt heads so much haha Oh man, one of the things I learned in that relationship is how to avoid arguments. I'm very much a type 9 these days. I really value peace so I do what I can to keep the boat steady.
We're both very honest with each other about our concerns. We don't criticize but we do express ourselves. He wants someone to encourage and support him on his decisions, so that's what I try to do at all times even if I disagree with his methods I avoid dictating his behavior and trust that he will eventually find what works best for him :] Which is easy since we don't disagree on much to begin with, we just go about it in different ways lol
These days, I try to lead by example... he makes it easy to maintain my own independence :]
I'll keep your advice in mind, when/if the time comes though LOL It's too early to tell!
BTW thanks for the comment on the photo album haha I posted more pictures up *WINK*
Last edited by Ethanol; 07-05-2012 at 10:25 PM.