[INFJ] Have you ever lived a fake life for an extended period of time?

Have you ever lived a fake life for an extended period of time?

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This is a discussion on Have you ever lived a fake life for an extended period of time? within the INFJ Forum - The Protectors forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; After writing my introduction, @ bentHnau suggested I might write more on this subject. I must admit that I am ...

  1. #1

    Have you ever lived a fake life for an extended period of time?

    After writing my introduction, @bentHnau suggested I might write more on this subject. I must admit that I am quite curious about others' experiences in this.

    For a long time, I thought that there was something wrong with me. Everyone I knew wanted to go out, party, and "enjoy life " in a way that I didn't find very enjoyable. I thought that I would be completely unlikable if I said that I would prefer to stay home and read a book. Having lived a lot of rejection from other kids as a child, I despretaly wanted to be accepted. I started to go along with what others around me were doing, and pretending to have a good time. As the years went by, I started to take other people's emotions for my own, like if I was becoming some sort of clone of what stands for "normal" in society. I was probably using Fe-Ni to read emotional response to certain stimuli in others and to be able to constantly reproduce these responses in real time, in all circumstances. I got to a point where I didn't understand why I had a feeling of insatisfaction with my life, because I believed that I actually was happy, since I was instinctively acting happy when I should. Life felt like I was walking around in shoes a size too small, I could function, but there was something constantly uncomfortable.

    I ended up falling into a deep depression, and I didn't know why. I ended up getting better after having spent many months staying home, painting, reading, watching films and dreaming. I had meetings with a psychologist, but it didn't really help. It was probably more my fault, because I never told her what I really thought, I didn't know myself.

    Afterwards, things were a bit better because I had at least come to terms with the fact that I needed a lot of alone time. It wasn't untill much later that I finally realised that it was ok to be me. I found out (by pure chance) about MBTI, and actually cried when I read the INFJ description. Most of it was resonating quite deeply, and it hurt a lot because it had all been repressed for so long.

    I am still working on trying to figure out who I am, but I am healing and learning to love myself.

    I am very curious to know if there are others out there who lived this kind of problem. I would like to know how you figured it out and how you dealt with it, if you are ok with sharing that kind of experience.
    Lad, Nabbit, StableSun35 and 11 others thanked this post.



  2. #2

    Yes, I tried to force myself to live the life of a more common type. It was VERY exhausting.

    In fact, I have seemed to have lost my true self a little. Something which I am trying to find again.

  3. #3

    Quote Originally Posted by speedy2056 View Post
    Yes, I tried to force myself to live the life of a more common type. It was VERY exhausting.

    In fact, I have seemed to have lost my true self a little. Something which I am trying to find again.
    Absolutely, I also lost myself. This site helped me start to find myself again

    https://infjcoachblog.com/
    StableSun35, speedy2056 and Privy thanked this post.

  4. #4
    INFJ


    Quote Originally Posted by GenAmK View Post
    After writing my introduction, @bentHnau suggested I might write more on this subject. I must admit that I am quite curious about others' experiences in this.

    For a long time, I thought that there was something wrong with me. Everyone I knew wanted to go out, party, and "enjoy life " in a way that I didn't find very enjoyable. I thought that I would be completely unlikable if I said that I would prefer to stay home and read a book. Having lived a lot of rejection from other kids as a child, I despretaly wanted to be accepted. I started to go along with what others around me were doing, and pretending to have a good time. As the years went by, I started to take other people's emotions for my own, like if I was becoming some sort of clone of what stands for "normal" in society. I was probably using Fe-Ni to read emotional response to certain stimuli in others and to be able to constantly reproduce these responses in real time, in all circumstances. I got to a point where I didn't understand why I had a feeling of insatisfaction with my life, because I believed that I actually was happy, since I was instinctively acting happy when I should. Life felt like I was walking around in shoes a size too small, I could function, but there was something constantly uncomfortable.

    I ended up falling into a deep depression, and I didn't know why. I ended up getting better after having spent many months staying home, painting, reading, watching films and dreaming. I had meetings with a psychologist, but it didn't really help. It was probably more my fault, because I never told her what I really thought, I didn't know myself.

    Afterwards, things were a bit better because I had at least come to terms with the fact that I needed a lot of alone time. It wasn't untill much later that I finally realised that it was ok to be me. I found out (by pure chance) about MBTI, and actually cried when I read the INFJ description. Most of it was resonating quite deeply, and it hurt a lot because it had all been repressed for so long.

    I am still working on trying to figure out who I am, but I am healing and learning to love myself.

    I am very curious to know if there are others out there who lived this kind of problem. I would like to know how you figured it out and how you dealt with it, if you are ok with sharing that kind of experience.
    Definitely something I can relate to. The example I think of is how I became a Yankees fan. My friend Brian, growing up mouthed off about how much he hated the Red Sox. I loved them, but for some reason, I became more of a hardcore NYY fan than he was. He actually is now a Red Sox fan, and I couldn't really care less about baseball...

    I don't know if it was a need for harmony or what, but I had really risked losing myself. It's still a process of discovering and understanding myself. May take years, but it is a similar experience for sure. And like @speedy2056 says, it was VERY exhausting.
    GenAmK thanked this post.

  5. #5
    INFJ

    not really, i never felt like i needed to fit in =D. instead of preserving harmony by submitting i did it through reasoning and humour.
    mightyoak and GenAmK thanked this post.

  6. #6

    Quote Originally Posted by GenAmK View Post
    Absolutely, I also lost myself. This site helped me start to find myself again

    https://infjcoachblog.com/
    Thanks, great link. I appreciate it.
    StableSun35 and GenAmK thanked this post.

  7. #7

    when i was a small child, it was a daily thing that I had that "Extrovert mask" on. the same today if you're going out there, otherwise you will have alot of problems, when you'll need to explain everything and it's more energy-consuming than having the mask on. complicated, another thing i do is that I copy the behavior of others, like the same thing but on a much deeper level, so that I can get away in very difficult situations. I Can not say I have the time, you always have to have an excuse for it, oddly enough. do not do it to hurt anyone and I always think it through so that I do not. complicated but when no one accepts a No, you have to do strange things to get them to accept it, they always expect that you should say Yes, but such is not me enymore.
    Elvish Lives and GenAmK thanked this post.

  8. #8

    I'd say it only goes as far as a little exaggeration, overly confident behaviour probably due to insecurities and the expression of sad or happy feelings when detached.


    Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
    GenAmK thanked this post.

  9. #9

    I never did, and I was shut out of all groups for most of my life. I felt miserable because I felt like nobody would accept me as a human being. Once I went to university it got better because I could finally be myself and be social, but it still hurts.

    It's in some way nice to know that putting on a 'socially approved mask' wouldn't have solved anything.
    Aizar, reisiger, Mick Travis and 3 others thanked this post.

  10. #10

    It's so hard to stay true to yourself when sometimes you don't even know what that self is! And how do you remain sincere, when you sincerely want to please someone else? More often than not I find myself adjusting my behaviour in a way that would cause the least discomfort to everyone else.

    So I've come up with this -as long as I stay true to my vision/ principles/ beliefs -I feel this is the core of who I am, all the other smaller details doesn't matter. I can change clothes/ taste / behaviour as often as I want to fit in or stand out it won't matter, because your core values stand firm.

    I find this works best for me.
    GenAmK and sedasi thanked this post.


     
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