[MsLiz]

Here is my list. It might be a little different for other INFJs. Please add to the list and share your needs. Hope it's helpful. PS We love to make lists. : )

Patience
We can be emotionally and physically cautious at first.
TIP: Let us know you are willing to take it slow or be friends if we decide we don’t want a relationship at the time or you can sense we are cautious. This will make us feel safe and closer to you.




Affirmations of Commitment & Love
We secretly want to hear you love us and want to be with us forever...every day. I know..
TIP: I understand we can be attracted to “T” types who don’t like or think to do this. (This is where we need to be patient with you.) If you write a simple “I love you” on a note or text “thinking of you” we will be super thrilled and it will last us a while!


Cuddling
Our introverted side needs some quiet couch cuddling time.
TIP: If you are a type who needs more physical space, save time in the evening for cuddling AND alone non-touching time (eg. reading.) It can be beneficial to both and a nice gift to give.


Your Protection
I know our type is called “the Protector”, but sometimes we need your protection too. This is mostly when we get into situations that are unfair or not good for us and stay in them because we feel strongly that we have to commit to things or relationships.
TIP: Since we are typically independent and don’t like being told what to do, you might not be able to help us until we are ready. Sometimes we can sense a situation is not good for us anymore and we might ask you permission to leave it. I know this sounds strange, but the best thing to do is to tell us it’s ok to quite or leave.


Play
When we are in familiar company we like to play and be super silly.
TIP: When you get comfortable, please show your playful side too! We looove it.


Soul Searching
We need to talk about deeper things, see the beauty in things, talk about feelings and spirituality.
TIP: If you are a non-NF this could be uncomfortable at first. The only tip I have is give it a try and it might get easier to share over time. We can always turn to our fellow NF friends to have gushy feeling talks with in the meantime!


To Feel Like An Equal
We want to feel like your equal in every way.
TIP: This is more of an attitude thing. Everyone comes to a relationship with different strengths. Compliment our strengths. We will definitely compliment yours (we love to support and encourage). As long your attitude isn’t that you are superior, we don’t mind if you do things better.

A Good Listener
We are so often the listening ear to our friends and family. Also, it takes us a while to be able to verbalize our feelings, so we need some patient listening.
TIP: To get us talking, ask us simple questions like, “what were the best and worst parts of your day?”. Once we get talking, wait until we’ve finished to ask more questions or offer advice. I understand this can be hard to judge. You can ask us if there’s anything else that excites or bothers us to see if we are done.


Encouragement
Sometimes, when we start a new project or job we need to explore our feelings and get encouragement about it first, then we can move into the logistics and planning.
TIP: If you can sense we are in the excited phase, share in our excitement and give us encouragement. We can talk the realities later when we are in the mood, otherwise we might read it as discouragement from you. This takes a lot of perception and patience on your part. Thank you.

[Peace_Be_With_You]

This is brilliant! I feel like this list should be stitched onto me the way my washing/care tags are sewn into all my clothes.

A few of the things that really hangs me up, as an INFJ dealing with other types, is the patience issue. I have often run into the issue of guys thinking that I am not interested just because I am not pouncing all over them immediately. I really like to take my time in getting to know someone. Then I can discover whether they are safe, what we have in common, and how to share in a way that feels natural. And when I do start to open up, it is entirely genuine, and I will consider you to be a real friend or love interest, not just a passing fling or casual acquaintance.

Has anyone found a good way to communicate with others, especially extroverts, when they are aggressively trying to pry you open upon meeting you -- without being cold, defensive, or off-putting? Often, when I first meet an extroverted guy (especially ENTPs and ENFPs), I feel like he is bursting with curiosity to figure me out right away. And then the invasive questions and button-pushing starts.... I am looking for better ways to maintain my boundaries in the beginning, without closing off potentially good opportunities.

Any extroverts had good experience in getting an INFJ to open up gently to you? On your end, what is an effective way for an INFJ to communicate -- you are pushing me too much! -- without pushing you away?

Thoughts???

[saibot]

There is something similar here, might be worth a read: modalitiesofexistence.com/2011/05/24/infj-dating-bible-or-how-to-date-an-infj/

[MsLiz]

I feel like I've only fully opened up to introverts. I would be curious to know too. Sometimes a bombardment of questions and attention and touching make me feel like curling up into a ball...like a hedgehog.

[Sheena20]

very well put!

[GoodOldDreamer]

Wow, what a way to introduce yourself to PerC! Great list, OP. It should be stickied.

... And people think we're all mysterious and hard to figure out. Ha! All you need is a little (read: a lot) of patience.

Well, and love too, but that goes without saying.

[Peace_Be_With_You]

There is something similar here, might be worth a read: modalitiesofexistence.com/2011/05/24/infj-dating-bible-or-how-to-date-an-infj/

I've seen that - I love it! But I really like MsLiz's list because it's so concise and gives helpful tips.

The other thing, along with patience, is that extroverts (expecially the "P" types) really need to take moments to pause and allow space in which we can gently come forward in the conversation. That goes back to the asking questions point -- but not interrogating I'm-going-to-pry-you-open-and-drive-the-conversation questions. More like "what do you think about that? how does it make you feel?" (pause, pause, pause, while INFJ formulates answer). Then give it a little space while you think about the INFJ's answer, instead of immediately hopping on it, "I know! that totally reminds of this time when I....."

I love to listen to people share from their hearts. For me it is a very active process to take in what a person reveals about himself and to process it, then respond with something meaningful. However, I can get caught in patterns, especially with E/P types, where they are yammering away until they expire themselves and then I end up feeling like just an audience.

[Apdenoatis]

This is perfect. Couldn't be better. :D

And welcome to the forum!

[mostafa.abdrabbu]

I like It :)

[cypresstree]

Yes^9.

One I would add! Maybe because it has been lacking for me lately and I've been having to admit just how much I need it.

Planning...
From day-to-day activities to a long term vision for the relationship, a little bit of planning goes a long way in making me (us?) feel safe and happy. (Though ONCE IN A WHILE a deliberate disruption in the plan can be refreshing and fun, too much left to chance and last minute decision-making is seriously draining.)