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The Development of INFJ Children

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This is a discussion on The Development of INFJ Children within the INFJ Articles forums, part of the INFJ Forum - The Protectors category; another quirky quality i had as a child. there were lots of time's where i would out smart adults. sort ...

  1. #11
    INFJ - The Protectors

    another quirky quality i had as a child. there were lots of time's where i would out smart adults. sort of...put them in their place sort of thing.

    my father would belittle my older brother alot because he would always complain about little things. my father would respond by belittling him. one day as my father was doing this, i said...dad, you're always yelling at bro cause he's always complaining, but you're the biggest complainer, complaining about bro complaining". my dad looked at me astonished, and my mother agreed. he stopped giving my brother a hard time after that day. i think i was 8.

    another time i stood up to my grandfather, a tall man 6'2", who had a terrible temper and was physically and mentally abusive to my grandmother. everyone on my mother's side had put up with it for years. i was visiting for the summer when i saw the abuse first hand over a meal. i stood up and faced my grandfather and berated him like a parent would berate a child (same tone). i told him he was a bad man and how he should be ashamed at himself for picking on my grandmother the way he did. i was about 9 then.

    gawd...i was a really peculiar child.
    Zech, borntobewise, HeathenRose and 3 others thanked this post.

  2. #12
    ENTP - The Visionaries

    Quote Originally Posted by Snakecharmer View Post
    Thank you for sharing this article. I'm pretty sure my 11 yr-old son is an INFJ - he fits that description 100%. I'm trying to learn more about how he thinks, since I am an INTP and we are pretty different.
    I am glad this article is of help to you! I believe that the more we know about Type, the more we are capable of being competent parents, partners, and citizens of life. I owe Jung and Myers-Briggs a big thank you for their amazing work!

    I will soon post detailed information on INFJs' Learning Style, I hope you find that useful, too. :)

    Quote Originally Posted by QuirkyQ View Post
    I wish all parents could be understanding, especially with conflicting personalities. My mother, while not horrible (I do love her dearly), made and still makes no effort to understand me, and always faulted me for not being "normal." We don't have a deep emotional connection at all. My fondest childhood memories were not with her, but with my grandparents, who raised me in my early stages of life while my mom worked overseas. They accepted me and encouraged me and provided the warmth and guidance and praise that I really needed. I'm 22 now, and because I can't afford to live on my own, I chose to move back with them and while I'm dealing with personal issues, I'm in a much more warm environment, can talk to them with ease, and am constantly challenged to really think about things. We have discussions about life and various things. Basically, they provide me with everything my mom never did.

    Thank you for posting this. The early childhood part really brought back wonderful memories for me.
    What you have written about parent-child relationships touched me a lot. It is often not so easy for a parent to be emotionally connected to a child had there been any interaction at infancy. Basic trust was not established with the parent, but with the grandparents.

    I tend to believe that your mother could be either a Senser or a Thinker, or both… based on what you have mentioned about her.

    I am glad that the part on early childhood reminded you of some pleasant memories. :)

    Quote Originally Posted by ukinfj View Post
    This is a very good article. Some of my questioning about my type was because I have changed so much. Up until I was about 14, I was very very strict and serious about rules and morals. I was annoyed at the other kids for breaking the rules and would find it difficult to break the rules myself. But I completely changed as I grew older and started seeing things in a different way. I decided instead to go by rules that made sense to me and let the others slide, disliking the idea of rules just being rules and wanting them to have a purpose.
    According to Psychoanalysis, you began developing your Superego at the peak of teenage, where you threw away those rules and ideals that no longer come in line with your goals and purpose. Throughout your childhood, you have followed all those rules in order to please your parents and receive appraisal and validation from them, because that's how you felt good about yourself (Fe). Now, as you have developed in age, and reached the stage of identity formation, you began to realise the things you appreciate about yourself, and the things you don't regardless of others' approval; here, a major transformation happened, and the shift from childhood to adolescence took place. This somehow allowed you to 'detach' from the rules imposed upon you, and to select those that best represent you on a more individualised level to form the person that you are today.

    Quote Originally Posted by ukinfj View Post
    I was very campaigny when I was a teenager and extremely idealistic, although shot other people's logic down a lot and was not interested in opinions that did not match my own.
    Again, demonstrating your unique opinions to show off your personalised ideals to the world, that "this is me. This is who I come to be."

    Quote Originally Posted by ukinfj View Post
    A lot of this is very true of me. My parents got very frustrated with me for being so not in the world and although I have read INFJs are supposed to be able to come out of this and teach themselves coping skills, my inability to cope with the outside world has stayed with me, which has had serious negative effects on my working life and just "being an adult" - which necessarily requires the ability to live in the real world and function properly.
    I believe your perception of the world may not be all too cheerful, which is why you haven't extended your comfort zone to the external world and might seem a bit too “inside your head.” Others may not like this, so they pry on it and criticise it, not understanding the rationale behind this behaviour, which adds more salt to injury and cause you to have a strong reason to retreat further inwards for it is safer.

    When others begin to understand the way you function, provide you with a more understanding environment, that is when you begin to feel more comfortable and extend to them some more and inform them about the interesting things that exist in your internal world of thought.

    Quote Originally Posted by ukinfj View Post
    I think I am driven by anxiety as well, though.

    Did anyone else have trouble sleeping as a kid? The two massive things about me as a kid were that I told myself stories (out loud) rather than actually taking any notice of what was going on around me.
    Refer to previous point. :)

    Quote Originally Posted by ukinfj View Post
    I talked to the horse when my mum took me pony trekking for my birthday (becoming embarrassed when I realised I was doing it and people were staring - because I didn't tend to know when I was a kid when I was doing it - it just sort of happened, the line between the real world and my mind could become very thin).
    I find this to be fascinating! I link this to underdeveloped extraverted Sensing. When Se is underdeveloped, INFJs tend to link the imaginary with reality. I am not talking about the Shadow here because you mentioned it was your birthday, so I assumed it was a happy day to you as you went pony trekking.

    Quote Originally Posted by ukinfj View Post
    The other big thing about me was that I was constantly buzzing with questions and statements and had a strong need to understand everything. My parents gave me GCSE books when I was seven (meant for 16 year olds) because they were the only ones they could find that would explain things like "and exactly what happened for humans to evolve? How does that work?" And "why does the world go around the sun and why is it round and what about the other planets?"
    I come to wonder what your IQ is. I am seeing a pattern here with female INFJs who are interested in the sciences. All of them seem to read at an earlier age, and amass a greater quantity of information than others would by the time they are in their adolescent years.

    Quote Originally Posted by ukinfj View Post
    Or seeing as we lived next to a nuclear power plant, and my favourite because my dad burst out laughing, came just as he was tucking me in bed and silently leaving the room. When he was practically out of the door:

    ME: Dad?
    DAD: What?
    ME: What's nuclear fission?
    Hahahahaha! That was funny! xD

    Quote Originally Posted by ukinfj View Post
    And the other big thing about me - ALWAYS IN TROUBLE! Which left me extremely resentful as I always followed both moral and other rules and never did anything naughty. The reason was that I appeared to be "not listening" or "not committed."
    Well, as I mentioned earlier, we live in a society that does not wish to truly understand what is happening, but rather is more at ease pointing fingers and being overly judgemental.

    Quote Originally Posted by peacenluv78 View Post
    Woah… freakishly accurate.

    I had a stuffed doll collection as a child, I adored them. had names for each, and developed "personalities" for each in my head based on their appearances. I would have conversations with them as a child.

    Was HIGHLY interested in arts and crafts as a child. In the 4th grade, I taught myself origami. I was walking through a bookstore with my mom one day when I spotted the book. It was a book on advanced origami. I went home and became obsessed. I was absolutely fascinated by the shapes and images and just sucked it all in. With no help from my parents, I was able to teach myself origami.

    Another story, in the 4th grade, my father took my brothers and I to Toys'R'Us and told each of us, we could choose any one toy of our choosing. Brothers chose the typical toys - trucks, video games. I came back with a microscope set. I was 8.

    I was definitely an early reader. and had a VORACIOUS appetite for learning. My father had a subscription to the National Geographic magazine, which I would read religiously… Started about 9. We also had an encyclopedia set at home, by which I was absolutely fascinated.

    I would say, definitely by 8 or 9, my parents really began to notice my eagerness to learn. Every month, I would move onto something new to "teach" myself. I wonder if self-learning is big with INFJs? I'm still big on self-learning now… even at work, school… can be a bit stubborn at times, boss will want to show me something and I'm all like, "I can figure it out on my own!" lol.
    This is evidence for INFJs' passion towards the things that pique their interest! Be it music, arts, crafts, literature, or even science, INFJs always have this keen love to reimburse their interest with a lot of knowledge to the point where they become almost experts on the matters. To me, this brings about a lot of appreciation for your passionate interests, and how you always work your way through improving them.

    The fact that you did not ask for external help demonstrates how individualistic you are in nature, it also reflects back to your learning style. As an INFJ, you prefer to learn in a friendly, co-operative atmosphere in which exploration and discovery are encouraged. You enjoy playing with ideas, experimenting with possibilities and thinking around your subject, but require to have a clear purpose for doing so. To learn effectively, you also prefer to be given a question and left to solve it on your own, you may ask for hints or clues to get to your answer, but never for instructions on how to do that. You are happy to develop your own cognitive strategies to reach the outcome.

    More on the INFJ's Learning Style in an upcoming article.

    Have you ever taken an IQ Test? I have a feeling you have a very high IQ score.

    How did you find school life to be?

    Quote Originally Posted by peacenluv78 View Post
    I wonder… do INFJs tend to have a rebellious streak as they get older? I had a difficult relationship with my mother, controlling ISFJ, and given my penchant for being very independent, I rebelled quite a lot. I've always had a very strong mind and opinions and my mother just couldn't handle it.
    Refer to my previous point on identity formation and the shift from the Ego to the Superego. :)

    Quote Originally Posted by peacenluv78 View Post
    Another quirky quality I had as a child: there were lots of times where I would outsmart adults. Sort of, … put them in their place sort of thing.

    My father would belittle my older brother a lot because he would always complain about little things. My father would respond by belittling him. One day as my father was doing this, I said, "Dad, you're always yelling at bro 'cause he's always complaining, but you're the biggest complainer, complaining about bro complaining." My dad looked at me astonished, and my mother agreed. He stopped giving my brother a hard time after that day. I think I was 8.

    Another time I stood up to my grandfather, a tall man 6'2", who had a terrible temper and was physically and mentally abusive to my grandmother. Everyone on my mother's side had put up with it for years. I was visiting for the summer when I saw the abuse first-hand over a meal. I stood up and faced my grandfather and berated him like a parent would berate a child (same tone). I told him he was a bad man and how he should be ashamed of himself for picking on my grandmother the way he did. I was about 9 then.

    Gawd… I was a really peculiar child.
    INFJs are known to be the defenders of the oppressed. You would go out of your way to protect whoever is under attack, if you see that they are being faulted into something that is beyond their responsibility. Your sense of fairness and morality is immense, even at such a young age!

    I find it fascinating how all those memories pop in mind around the ages of 8 or 9; was this an interesting time of discovery and exploration in your life? :)
    Zech, chanting, zilzie and 1 others thanked this post.

  3. #13
    INFJ - The Protectors

    I was a "good" INFJ when I was a kid. Teacher's pet, straight A's, but hated being forced to do things. And then adolescence turned me into a self absorbed, rebellious, thinking I was better than everyone, self pitying, tortured soul who refused to go to school for many years because the people around me didn't mesh with my morals. Trying to find the answer to life's big questions and wanting to become a saint or monk at the age of 13 is pretty creepy. So I spent many years being drugged into submission and treated like either a freak or the second coming of Christ.

  4. #14
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Quote Originally Posted by eros5th View Post
    I was a "good" INFJ when I was a kid. Teacher's pet, straight A's, but hated being forced to do things. And then adolescence turned me into a self absorbed, rebellious, thinking I was better than everyone, self pitying, tortured soul who refused to go to school for many years because the people around me didn't mesh with my morals. Trying to find the answer to life's big questions and wanting to become a saint or monk at the age of 13 is pretty creepy. So I spent many years being drugged into submission and treated like either a freak or the second coming of Christ.
    This is fascinating. I decided at a young age that, when I was a teenager, I wasn't gonna be "bad" like some of the older kids I encountered. I think part of the reason I didn't develop a superiority complex during this time was that I was teased enough to humble me. Also, my parents didn't really understand me or give me enough encouragement so I would do exactly what they told me to do hoping against hope that maybe it would please them. Well, that just left me a depressed and somewhat suicidal teen. Fortunately, now being in college, I've found a few close friends who really understand me and encourage me for who I am.
    HeathenRose thanked this post.

  5. #15
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Quote Originally Posted by JefftheINFJ View Post
    This is fascinating. I decided at a young age that, when I was a teenager, I wasn't gonna be "bad" like some of the older kids I encountered. I think part of the reason I didn't develop a superiority complex during this time was that I was teased enough to humble me. Also, my parents didn't really understand me or give me enough encouragement so I would do exactly what they told me to do hoping against hope that maybe it would please them. Well, that just left me a depressed and somewhat suicidal teen. Fortunately, now being in college, I've found a few close friends who really understand me and encourage me for who I am.
    I'm not sure if I really felt superior. I think I was just very angry at the ignorance around me and at some point I got so frustrated I became rebellious towards it. I still am that way to some extent.. Trying to be an activist and "fight" what I believe is wrong. Being teased didn't really humble me. It at first made me loathe myself to the point of feeling suicidal but then I started channeling it back at the very people who were telling me there was something wrong with me. And that just turned me into a bit of a monster lol but I had good intentions. I understand what you say too about trying to get approval from family. At some point I also gave up on that and began attacking them for not accepting me the way I am. I guess I've always been very rebellious even thought I'm an INFJ...

  6. #16
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Quote Originally Posted by peacenluv78 View Post

    i wonder...do INFJ's tend to have a rebellious streak as they get older? i had a difficult relationship with my mother, controlling ISFJ, and given my penchant for being very independent, i rebelled quite a lot. i've always had a very strong mind and opinions and my mother just couldn't handle it.
    i have exactly the same problem! my mom is an ISFJ and, though we usually get along very well, sometimes I'll get really worked up over a political or scientific issue that she sees diffently, and we're both so opinionated that we get in long arguments even when we're trying to make similar points. she's also very controlling sometimes, which leads to even more problems when i feel like my independence is being violated. but i know exactly what you mean.
    peacenluv78 and bbh5193 thanked this post.

  7. #17
    INFJ - The Protectors

    This is evidence for INFJs' passion towards the things that pique their interest! Be it music, arts, crafts, literature, or even science, INFJs always have this keen love to reimburse their interest with a lot of knowledge to the point where they become almost experts on the matters. To me, this brings about a lot of appreciation for your passionate interests, and how you always work your way through improving them.

    The fact that you did not ask for external help demonstrates how individualistic you are in nature, it also reflects back to your learning style. As an INFJ, you prefer to learn in a friendly, co-operative atmosphere in which exploration and discovery are encouraged. You enjoy playing with ideas, experimenting with possibilities and thinking around your subject, but require to have a clear purpose for doing so. To learn effectively, you also prefer to be given a question and left to solve it on your own, you may ask for hints or clues to get to your answer, but never for instructions on how to do that. You are happy to develop your own cognitive strategies to reach the outcome.

    More on the INFJ's Learning Style in an upcoming article.

    Have you ever taken an IQ Test? I have a feeling you have a very high IQ score.

    How did you find school life to be?


    Refer to my previous point on identity formation and the shift from the Ego to the Superego. :)



    INFJs are known to be the defenders of the oppressed. You would go out of your way to protect whoever is under attack, if you see that they are being faulted into something that is beyond their responsibility. Your sense of fairness and morality is immense, even at such a young age!

    I find it fascinating how all those memories pop in mind around the ages of 8 or 9; was this an interesting time of discovery and exploration in your life? :)[/QUOTE]

    Yes, 8/9 was a peculiar age for me. It was a time when I started putting ideas together. Becoming very experimental about my ideas. And began seeing the outside world as a puzzle...piquing my analytical abilities. This is the earliest age that I can think of when I could vaguely recall using intuition. Or in MBTI terms, when my Ni started to really develop. It was also the age when I experienced some childhood trauma and began becoming keenly aware of the dysfunctional state of my family... everything was just observations before then. and simple inquisitions. i guess you can say...that was when the reality of things really started to sink in...

    I was a very creative child and teachers definitely took interest in me at a very young age. I didn't have much trouble getting good grades in school but i did find the whole educational system quite stifling. i had SOOOO many interests outside of the basic math and english topics that i had to explore on my own time.

    I was put into a class for gifted students in middle school and went on to attend a specialized high school (one where you had to take an exam to enter). I took an IQ test once and scored a 138. I wouldn't consider myself a genius but I guess I am relatively smart and/or smarter when it comes to certain subjects.

    thank you for your commentary on the change from ego to superego. it definitely explains a lot. haha. and fits in very much to the develop of INFJ's. i read that we're very much like Lisa Simpson as a young age. I sure was. Spot on. But it was probably because I was working within the confines of my parents rules (very limiting). But as I got older and began to explore the rules of the world, I began to rebel and search out my own ways and challenging the notion that i knew everything.

    As an ENTP I imagine your development to differ greatly? INFJ's have well developed superego's and ENTP's the ego. I wonder how this development of ego to superego for a teenage ENTP differs in comparison to a teenage INFJ...
    zilzie thanked this post.

  8. #18
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Quote Originally Posted by peacenluv78 View Post

    i wonder...do INFJ's tend to have a rebellious streak as they get older? i had a difficult relationship with my mother, controlling ISFJ, and given my penchant for being very independent, i rebelled quite a lot. i've always had a very strong mind and opinions and my mother just couldn't handle it.
    Wow, I'm an INFJ with an ISFJ mom too. My mom does not do well with strong minds/opinions. I've accidentally made her cry before, actually. I've learned that if I want to keep the peace, I have to keep my opinions to myself. My INTP sister has yet to learn how to do that, though. They always fight because my sister is looking for a debate while my mom takes it personally and gets upset.
    sitodocambia thanked this post.

  9. #19
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Quote Originally Posted by Jacklyn View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by peacenluv78 View Post

    i wonder...do INFJ's tend to have a rebellious streak as they get older? i had a difficult relationship with my mother, controlling ISFJ, and given my penchant for being very independent, i rebelled quite a lot. i've always had a very strong mind and opinions and my mother just couldn't handle it.
    Wow, I'm an INFJ with an ISFJ mom too. My mom does not do well with strong minds/opinions. I've accidentally made her cry before, actually. I've learned that if I want to keep the peace, I have to keep my opinions to myself. My INTP sister has yet to learn how to do that, though. They always fight because my sister is looking for a debate while my mom takes it personally and gets upset.
    Very interesting. I can see how your sis would butt heads with your mom. I have an INTP brother. They don't fight as much now but they steer clear of each other. Just curious..what is your dads type?

  10. #20
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Quote Originally Posted by peacenluv78 View Post
    Very interesting. I can see how your sis would butt heads with your mom. I have an INTP brother. They don't fight as much now but they steer clear of each other. Just curious..what is your dads type?
    My dad is an ESTP. He's constantly fighting with my sister and my mom. My house is a pretty stressful place. I'm the only one who tries to keep the peace around here. What's your dad's type?


 
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