Extreme Ways of the INFJ

Is it just me or do INFJ's tend to dive for either extremes of any spectrum of action, at least instinctually, before coming to a perhaps more tactful conclusion? And if so, does this aspect of yourself unnerve you, sometimes to the point of becoming paralyzingly hesitant altogether? This seems to be the case for me (in the past) and an INFJ friend of mine, who seems to lack the ability to "feel" through a situation and just do it.

At times yes, I tend to feel very extreme about things, opinionated even but before I volunteer anything about my perspective, I like to understand, or at least have a good 'feel' for the situation before I jump in depending if the situation is more serious and attracts me, or it's more light and superficial then I may just say any old thing for the sake of shock value, and making people laugh. I don't like sharing my feelings unless I'm in the company of like minded people because when my emotions are purely involved, I'm a MUCH different person then when I'm just trying to work things out rationally because I'm irritated/annoyed when I've got to back-track through a situation to figure out where it went wrong, and am pretty convinced of my own opinions (my brother says 'I'm my own consultant lol) but that's because I stay rational and detached and yet emotional to share my stance.

What really twists me ESPECIALLY is when people change their intentions/stance on an issue around to better make or win their argument; at that point it's not about being right (because you usually aren't if you have to alter your argument/point) it's about being honest, and I learn more from a person who's honest than i do from someone who has to be 'right' all the time, and can't hear anything from another perspective, because they can't grasp the concept. When a person is just throwing details at me, that don't amount to much except trying to help you win an argument...bottom line, regurgitating detailed information with no coherent point or relation to the big picture is just rambling to me. I'll then ask 'well what's your point?' if there's no point to be made because you were rambling more than at making a point, than you've pretty much defeated yourself in the situation. Judging makes me want to grasp the concept, and intuition sums it all up, which brings me to my next self-examination:

I'm usually even-keel at times, as I like keeping my composure and progressing towards understanding, but I can be passionate, and because I'm a Judger, I like to keep things moving, rather than keeping them open, so stick to the point make your argument, so we can keep moving, I want to learn! lol Does the intensity of my emotions unerve me? Not personally, but there are times it does unnerve me because I know intensity for the most part is rarely understood by other people. A good deal of the time I go from interpersonal harmony in the group back to my own intense emotions, and wondering if I should share them, usually it's a toss up between whether I think I should be flat-out honest to the group (if I value the current group in anyway) and moving forward in topic.

In truth, most people fear what they don't understand especially the 'tall, dark, and silently brooding type in the corner'...cough..me...cough, but I can use both rational thought, and emotional thought very easily and my intuition guides me based on my impressions I get from the situation whether I should employ the use of my Fe or my Ti functions.

Haha yes, but see even in discussion it's always one or the other. I think that's why balance is so important to an INFJ. Because if we're all as self sufficient as yourself while possessing that intensity of thought and emotion, self righteousness or a lack of tact becomes more likely and hence countered by that chronic doubt/internal battle that many seem to face. Agreed?

I can so relate. Every day is a balancing act. I don't really look at people from a standpoint of what box they belong in, but more from a standpoint of "who are they reeeeally?". I used to be mad that other people were always trying to put me in a box and calling me a freak when it didn't fit.

It would really hurt and anger me when I found a person only saw me as a type of friend instead of just a friend. I had to realize that most people just do that. It was nothing personal towards me. I learned to embrace it and just put people in boxes too, except the ones I can't find a box for are usually the ones I value the most. I found out most people were okay with that--it was a real load off. It kinda works. Most people prefer to be in a box. Wow. haha!

How funny...isn't that what crate trained dogs do?

Like the door to their cage or "box" is open and they drag their lil toy into the crate and sit and chew cause they feel safer there. Haha. I mean high school is one thing, but shouldn't we be evolving from that? Haha--you die in a box why live in a box? Whatevs.

Anyways, doing this really helped me balance how I judge people. I'm much more introspective. On the other hand, once I make a decision to act on something, I stand by it like nobody's business--so I really examine a situation in my head and take things apart inside before I act. Sometimes I don't care though hahaha "fuck it". I really monitor my ego in the sense of "why does this bother me so much?". I usually stick to 3 strike rule before I unleash the fury...it used to be 1 strike so I evolved some haha.

My whole point to all this razz-mah-tazz is that it took a lot of time and trusting myself was key for me.

Good luck in the balancing act and never forget your self worth.

In retrospect, it seems that i have always gone full speed into something, care too much, too intense, and the fallback position is what years ago i called 'inanimate."
In crisis situations I become calm, unfeeling, senses on high alert and have no regard to how I feel - take it in, analyze, decide on a response, act. I would make a good triage medic in battle, but afterwards, I am a basket case.

Yes...I very much feel that way

I think I try to be sensible & moderate about things, so I try to avoid extremes or excesses. (Recently, however, I'm becoming a more indulgent person). Even so, I feel like I'm constantly drawn to the extremities in any scenario. I like exaggerating or misrepresenting things in my head, which often results in wrong conclusions.

Is there any other way? I'm passionate or completely removed. If I decide to diet and exercise, I've realized that in the past it gets too extreme before I realize it. So I stopped in anticipation / fear of that, which also makes me unhappy. In relationships, I'm infatuated or cut off my emotions completely. I rarely have true friendships. I'm their assist and the friendship is one-sided; if it's a mutual friendship, I develop feelings for them.

Basically, I don't invest myself in much. If I do, I dedicate myself and it's difficult to keep part of me free.

Originally Posted by Auri

Is there any other way? I'm passionate or completely removed. If I decide to diet and exercise, I've realized that in the past it gets too extreme before I realize it. So I stopped in anticipation / fear of that, which also makes me unhappy. In relationships, I'm infatuated or cut off my emotions completely. I rarely have true friendships. I'm their assist and the friendship is one-sided; if it's a mutual friendship, I develop feelings for them.

Basically, I don't invest myself in much. If I do, I dedicate myself and it's difficult to keep part of me free.

Well it seems to me that you're a tad disconnected from what is around you Auri. The extremities of which you can reach is simply potential, which you obviously have alot of. You shouldn't fear your own capabilities. Situations will demand control/tact and inaction is no substitute.

Relationships can only be "true" if you put your own part to it because at the beginning, most cannot quite value someone at anything more than face value. You're only limiting yourself. Should they find out you feel this way, they may even become offended or feel used. And if they decide to end the friendship at that point, you will feel the loss most. It's not healthy.

At least from what I've seen, those feelings you develop for "true" friends are the result of a limited social spectrum, which you can only see the full extent of if you put yourself out there. You'll find what you truly want and love on an intimate level this way, and discover even more real friends too! (:

Though this may be daunting at first, I think that you'll liberate yourself and develop your ability to dedicate towards more things, learn to keep yourself free and hence find the balance we're all talking about here.

Originally Posted by SomeSentSoldiers

Well it seems to me that you're a tad disconnected from what is around you Auri. The extremities of which you can reach is simply potential, which you obviously have alot of. You shouldn't fear your own capabilities. Situations will demand control/tact and inaction is no substitute.

Relationships can only be "true" if you put your own part to it because at the beginning, most cannot quite value someone at anything more than face value. You're only limiting yourself. Should they find out you feel this way, they may even become offended or feel used. And if they decide to end the friendship at that point, you will feel the loss most. It's not healthy.

At least from what I've seen, those feelings you develop for "true" friends are the result of a limited social spectrum, which you can only see the full extent of if you put yourself out there. You'll find what you truly want and love on an intimate level this way, and discover even more real friends too! (:

Though this may be daunting at first, I think that you'll liberate yourself and develop your ability to dedicate towards more things, learn to keep yourself free and hence find the balance we're all talking about here.

I agree with the first part of what you've written although I don't understand why it's disconnected from reality. I do initially invest myself in these one-sided relationships. However their conversations are entirely one-sided. They want to vent and they want advice or consolation... if I need to talk about something, they won't listen. Rather than trash their confidence altogether, I give them what they want. Most are depressed / unstable and I'm not going to turn them away. At the same time I'm not going to attempt to go above-and-beyond to invest myself in that. Unstable people tend to "use" me to my own detriment, and the quickest way for that to happen is if I'm emotionally invested. By maintaining a distance, I'm able to make clear decisions without having the emotional baggage, being manipulated because I care, etc.

I'm not sure why you assume having feelings for friends is a result of a limited social spectrum, and the solution is to widen it. I see what I'm looking for in people. The majority don't have it... I'm open to everyone, but how they treat others and who they truly are determines whether I want to keep a lasting friendship or not.