Extreme Ways of the INFJ

Originally Posted by Auri

I agree with the first part of what you've written although I don't understand why it's disconnected from reality. I do initially invest myself in these one-sided relationships. However their conversations are entirely one-sided. They want to vent and they want advice or consolation... if I need to talk about something, they won't listen. Rather than trash their confidence altogether, I give them what they want. Most are depressed / unstable and I'm not going to turn them away. At the same time I'm not going to attempt to go above-and-beyond to invest myself in that. Unstable people tend to "use" me to my own detriment, and the quickest way for that to happen is if I'm emotionally invested. By maintaining a distance, I'm able to make clear decisions without having the emotional baggage, being manipulated because I care, etc.

I'm not sure why you assume having feelings for friends is a result of a limited social spectrum, and the solution is to widen it. I see what I'm looking for in people. The majority don't have it... I'm open to everyone, but how they treat others and who they truly are determines whether I want to keep a lasting friendship or not.

Oh I was just taking a shot in the dark, don't take it to heart. You know what's best. It's just I think that you really need to get a bit closer to people before you know beyond a doubt who they are, and sometimes it's worth running the risk. (:

As for your friends, I think you do deserve better than what they giving and looking for some grounded friends would do worlds for anybody. Whether they understand you or not, the fact they aren't there to manipulate you and their willing to support you is more than enough. Of course I don't know who you're around but, I've seen a similar situation and that's what I meant by the disconnect. Being too focused on these individuals, yet too distanced from everyone else leaves you with nobody but yourself. Sure you may know what you want, but these people don't have it and if becoming too close makes you develop feelings while they're using you, then you need to expand and look elsewhere. There are many fish in the sea and oftentimes the compromise isn't worth it. But if these true friends are strong on their own and can give back to you then there's no problem to it. :D



It's just your situation is so striking similar to someone I know that I followed on an apparent trend.

Originally Posted by LyricalWhip

I really monitor my ego in the sense of "why does this bother me so much?". I usually stick to 3 strike rule before I unleash the fury...it used to be 1 strike so I evolved some haha.

I need to embrace this practice! I am pretty laid back, but when it comes, it comes. I have a friend that rubs me the wrong way when she says certain things and I just boil up over her words and then I immediately come venting to my husband about it. I have had to learn to separate her idiotic opinions from myself in order to keep from getting all worked up. I read her facebook posts and more often than not they are posts written in frustration and directed at classmates of hers, but I still get all worked up as if it were me she was talking to because I want to protect these people's feelings even though I don't even know them. Anyways, I try to either avoid reading them now or when I do I just breath slow all the way threw and try to laugh at her asinine bullshit.

I do this all the time, for almost every decision I have to make, its always me compromising and putting extremes together to make an idea/decision feasible. I don't usually get so hung up on it anymore, I used to think it was a little strange but I've turned it into my sense of humour, and that works with people around me.

Originally Posted by LoveBird

I need to embrace this practice! I am pretty laid back, but when it comes, it comes. I have a friend that rubs me the wrong way when she says certain things and I just boil up over her words and then I immediately come venting to my husband about it. I have had to learn to separate her idiotic opinions from myself in order to keep from getting all worked up. I read her facebook posts and more often than not they are posts written in frustration and directed at classmates of hers, but I still get all worked up as if it were me she was talking to because I want to protect these people's feelings even though I don't even know them. Anyways, I try to either avoid reading them now or when I do I just breath slow all the way threw and try to laugh at her asinine bullshit.

Haha yeah--I know someone that is like that in a sense. She's always in some ghetto bind from her backwards ways. She runs from wisdom haha. We went down different roads so now I pray for her from a distance lol. As a person, I really respect her heart. She has a heart of gold--but she has some bass ackwards ways and creates most of her own dilemmas.

For what it's worth, another trick that helps me a LOT is when someone says something ill in my opinion, I immediately ask, "Why would you say that?" in a genuinely inquisitive voice before I can add any attitude to it haha. I kind of helps me fall back a little bit and really listen to where they are coming from--snap into intuitive mode. I'm not good at responding verbally quickly--I think too deeply before I talk. Before I know it, I've been dissed and the subject was dismissed haha. If the person immediately gets defensive--or immediately begins to assume that I'm offended and discount my question, I've found they usually meant to offend me. Sometimes it may be a simple misunderstanding. Sometimes I'm just PMS'n hahaha.

Good luck with that. :)

Originally Posted by LyricalWhip

Haha yeah--I know someone that is like that in a sense. She's always in some ghetto bind from her backwards ways. She runs from wisdom haha. We went down different roads so now I pray for her from a distance lol. As a person, I really respect her heart. She has a heart of gold--but she has some bass ackwards ways and creates most of her own dilemmas.

For what it's worth, another trick that helps me a LOT is when someone says something ill in my opinion, I immediately ask, "Why would you say that?" in a genuinely inquisitive voice before I can add any attitude to it haha. I kind of helps me fall back a little bit and really listen to where they are coming from--snap into intuitive mode. I'm not good at responding verbally quickly--I think too deeply before I talk. Before I know it, I've been dissed and the subject was dismissed haha. If the person immediately gets defensive--or immediately begins to assume that I'm offended and discount my question, I've found they usually meant to offend me. Sometimes it may be a simple misunderstanding. Sometimes I'm just PMS'n hahaha.

Good luck with that. :)

​LOL! Thanks you for your advise. I will definitely try it out. I have had a hard time with this in the past because I am afraid when it comes out my agitation will with it! I suppose it will have to come with practice ;) Yes, I think too much before I speak for sure. This is both a blessing and a curse. However, I am grateful I have this ability because not many things irritate me more than someone who speaks before they think. And this girl does it! ALL the time. In about a week, my husband I will be moving out to a small little town on state property where this girl and her family lives (providing he gets the state job we are trying to get). I am pretty concerned about how I will fair with her so close to me. I have issues with how she treats her husband and children and she has told me that I need to stop being an introvert. Saying this to me is like my kryptonite. Also, I am worried that she will always be at my place or expect me to be there. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but this can't happen. Thinking there will come a point where my husband and I will have to set boundaries with them and I am not looking forward to that. Thanks again!

Originally Posted by LoveBird

​LOL! Thanks you for your advise. I will definitely try it out. I have had a hard time with this in the past because I am afraid when it comes out my agitation will with it! I suppose it will have to come with practice ;) Yes, I think too much before I speak for sure. This is both a blessing and a curse. However, I am grateful I have this ability because not many things irritate me more than someone who speaks before they think. And this girl does it! ALL the time. In about a week, my husband I will be moving out to a small little town on state property where this girl and her family lives (providing he gets the state job we are trying to get). I am pretty concerned about how I will fair with her so close to me. I have issues with how she treats her husband and children and she has told me that I need to stop being an introvert. Saying this to me is like my kryptonite. Also, I am worried that she will always be at my place or expect me to be there. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but this can't happen. Thinking there will come a point where my husband and I will have to set boundaries with them and I am not looking forward to that. Thanks again!

Aw no problem. I really hope I helped-- if not, bring that ish to the table again--we'll figure that ish out! hahaha I'm still growin too--I've really been learning by readin other people's situations and their reactions! It's been helpin me figure out where I went wrong sometimez hahaha!