Breaking Habits - Why is Change so hard, and How to do it.

I would like to know if i am doing something wrong. I don't think i like my personality too much :( or maybe i am doing something wrong. in the description of ENFP's i seem to tend towards all the bad stuff, bad characteristics. I just wish i could be more introverted and less involved with ppl because i always get screwed up and criticized when i try to help ppl. I just wish i could "tone down" everything about me.

why is change so hard. every time i try to change something i don't like about me it doesn't seem to work for long. I just want to move on with my life and be happy and this is holding me back.

You can't really change who you are at the basis of your personality; you can, however, play to your strengths and minimize your weaknesses. If you have trouble breaking habits, limit the amount of contact you have with stimuli that encourage these habits. If you can't stop it, make sure you have no chance to start it up.

ENFPs aren't terrible, either way. Personally, it seems like descriptions all around the internet lash out at ENFPs, calling them either too involved or flighty, with a tendency towards drugs and all of those bad things. ENFPs aren't inherently bad, but I believe that their main issue in life, and maybe other NF types as well, is to not be people pleasers.

You change it now. Right now. Now. It is now.

Self power is always now. If you break, know that you lied to yourself. When tempted, awaken yourself to the truth. The truth of now. The truth you know and have always known, that you can stop and that you could of stopped. That all along you have been making excuses.

Or, you can blame your genes, your parents, society, that mean girl in the second grade and keep feeding the cycle of addiction you are going to break.

It breaks now. Right now, you just reclaimed yourself and overcame addiction. Another way you can approach the problem if you break.

Count up the amount of success versus the amount of failure in regards to past attempts and if there is improvement, continue to strengthen until you find resolve. But try not to apply this method until the first method fails. In other words, only consider it to respect yourself to achieve the goal of breaking the habit. Don't give it any consideration now. Only after failure.

But now, you won't fail. Because right now is all you have and self power comes from the realization of now. Now doesn't make excuses. Now acts on its principles.

Change is hard because your brain functions in a specific way. It's a relationship that's formed your entire life between your genetic inclinations from your parents (generally influencing 50% of the expression of the trait--about as useful as 50% chance of rain) and how they relate to every single experience you've ever had.

There are a number of studies in genetics that indicate certain expressions of certain genes (generally the ones that code for the production of transmitters and receptors, there are specifics but I'm not about to write an essay). These genes that code for these important proteins (the ones responsible for communicating between neurons in your brain--aka, your thoughts/reality) are expressed genetically between everyone, but not everyone's DNA contains the same codes for the same genes--the codes differ slightly, so the gene structure is altered. This, naturally, alters these important brain chemicals functionality between individuals.

There are genes that regulate expression of fear, joy, stress, anxiety, all that good shit.

The habits you want to break, are all reflections of these traits. You don't like them, so you want to change them.

So what is to change? Your DNA? Genetic counseling isn't quite that advanced yet--but it'll get there. So you can't go that route yet...

Only thing that is left is your entire LIFE. Which is IMPOSSIBLE to change. This is why it's so hard to change yourself, you're literally fighting your entire life's worth of experiences that have justified the unpleasant habit you're addressing.

And, even if you COULD alter your life perception by behaving positively and gradually replacing your experiences with more positively influential ones....there is still a chance that your unlucky ass happens to have been blessed with a particular genetic coding that happens to produce protein structures that aren't as ideal for their job as more common genotypes. It's a literal genetic disadvantage (however only from within the context of the way general society functions--which these less functional proteins are not coded to cope with as effectively).

So are you fucked? No.

Meds help, for sure. You just gotta get the right ones.

If you don't want meds, your only choice if you can't alter your life experiences...is to alter your outlook.

Because we can study the brain on this level and infer these things from our findings, it suggests the "mind" has a power over the brain. If we can understand these cellular mechanics of the brain, then we've made it our bitch. It's kinda like...."What...so you wanna make me have this outlook that sucks? Well fuck you, I know exactly how you do it fucker."

This doesn't offer the best insight in the world...but a brain is a very stressful thing for a mind to cope with.

But from understanding things such as this, it's hopefully much easier for someone in your situation to identify it as not being YOUR fault, but a side effect of the DNA and life you've experienced--both of which being hardly influenced by you. It's you against the world, you don't have nearly as much control of your surroundings as you'd like.

The moral is you can't change your brain. But you CAN influence your future life experiences to be more acceptable, as well as alter your PERSPECTIVE on your own experience to alter your own natural cognitive shortcomings, and ideally control them through your awareness of them.

thanks a lot to you both.

Rourk, do you mind explaining a little more idiot proof please? i think i get what you are saying but i just want to be sure, i think the now's sort of confuses me.

Grey, i dont think i can avoid stimuli since they are people. but i will try. i am not a people pleaser for sure when it comes to who i am to be and what i am to do, but i like to make ppl feel good.n i like to feel involved. things i say to myself are like "shut up!" "stay out of it" "why do you care" "Not your business, leave it alone"... usually i fail. i still get involved. even with strangers!.. like i feel like i need to defend people and protect them, or be their closest friend or identify with them.. geeez. i feel screwed up!

Turns out, your mind is designed to keep habits running strong. As long as a positive reward is achieved through the completion of an action, you will further inculcate a behavior. A certain problem arises in such cases as quitting smoking, where you know that its bad, yet your body finds it rewarding regardless. Learning what the rewards and consequences of your actions actually are helps quite a bit.

Another problem arises when you do not understand why you act a certain way. I like the example of a planet revolving around the sun. The planet is a habit that is held in place by an emotional issue or complex. If you try to stop the planet, you may succeed through brute strength, but the second you let the planet go, it will slip back into orbit. The planet then isn't really the issue, the sun is. Making things worse is that sometimes the sun is actually a black hole, so you don't even realize it is there.

To gain more insight into your mind, have better luck at discovering "black holes" and become more aware of your neglected introversion, I suggest meditation. Learning to slow down and become more aware of your external and internal influences seems to be something that could benefit you greatly. It also may help you become more aware of your decision making so that you can find more balance as an individual, as a thinker and as a judger.

Obviously you can't avoid people; what you may want to do, however, is provide yourself with means to extract yourself from a situation where you do not belong. If the berating yourself doesn't work, then don't do it; it will only make you feel guilty, which could encourage the desire to give up. If you feel you have a 'need' to make people feel good, then manifest that in other ways, so you don't feel so strong a desire when the situation comes around again.

thanks you all once more!

Kevinaswell, i like the way you put it. seems pretty easy n doable.

Grey, i see what you mean. That is what i try to do, remove myself from the situation (often times i just avoid people seriously, like ditch school for a day if i feel i cant take it)

EmotionallyTonedGeometry:i do try to understand why i do what i do... sometimes i read a bunch of stuff and do personality evaluations etc... anything to help me discover who i am and why... i think i know now, who i am... i think i know why i do what i do... not i am at the part where i should change something. i think meditation is a good idea. you are not the first person who has suggested this to me.i guess i should research it because i dont think i have a clue what it really is. my idea of meditation is just no contact day where i sit and think.. generally i end up dreaming about what i want etc... and plan all sorts of things that often arent executed.

Originally Posted by Dania

:i do try to understand why i do what i do... sometimes i read a bunch of stuff and do personality evaluations etc... anything to help me discover who i am and why... i think i know now, who i am... i think i know why i do what i do... not i am at the part where i should change something. i think meditation is a good idea. you are not the first person who has suggested this to me.i guess i should research it because i don't think i have a clue what it really is. my idea of meditation is just no contact day where i sit and think.. generally i end up dreaming about what i want etc... and plan all sorts of things that often aren't executed.

Meditation in a word? Focus. Stop, sit, get comfortable and focus on your breath. I suggest focusing on you lower abdomen (lower tandien/svadhisthana chakra) and feeling it contract as your diaphragm pulls down as you breath. As you inhale, say inwardly, silently, "one". As you exhale relax as deeply as possible. Then repeat, but this time, count "two". If you can get to ten without getting distracted, you are doing quite well. The other thing to keep in mind is that you need to focus! That's all you do; nothing more. So, when thoughts and ideas show up, just let them drift by like clouds. Pay them no mind and return your attention to your breath. Also, do not avoid anything or push anything out of your mind as this is just as mentally taxing as thinking about things outright. That should be a good start.

Now, many who meditate suggest vipasana, or other meditations that are image based. I strongly discourage these as they keep the mind too busy. Some may be content with seeing pretty colors and getting glimpses of your unconscious mind, but in the long run, they are ultimately worthless. For a start, you may want to look at Sekida's "Zen Training." It's a pretty straight forward guide on to how to sit.

Sorry if this came across as unsolicited advice. I just thought I would throw it out there.

Rourk, do you mind explaining a little more idiot proof please? i think i get what you are saying but i just want to be sure, i think the now's sort of confuses me.

You aren't an idiot. Don't rob yourself. If anything, my idea was written hastily and came across confused. In that case, the idiot proofing would be on me.

From my own experience, I think the cycle addiction keeps recycling because of the excuses we make for ourselves(and other reasons of course). In order to break the habit, I think that it is best to approach the problem by strengthening one's conviction, right now. Every moment becomes growth. Every moment you take back from your habits is a moment you have gained. If you realize that you can change, you can act. In order to realize you can change you have to get in touch with your self power. Once ground is gained in the moment, its my hope that one can end the cycle of addiction and reclaim their true nature.