Tips for getting over my fear?

I have always had a deep hatred for alcohol, due to some issues with my formerly alcoholic father that I won't go into detail about here. I hate the fact that it alters your behavior and your thinking. I notice a change in people even when they're "just a little buzzed," even in people who claim to "hold their liquor" well. And it bothers me. People sometimes say and do things they later regret when they drink. It changes who you are outwardly. It's a hindrance of self-control, and that doesn't feel right to me. I never plan on consuming alcohol. I can't even be around people who are drinking. I don't even like to think of my friends drinking, and I find myself distancing myself from people once I find out they drink. It's gotten so bad that I've had a couple of panic attacks over it...

I just realized that this hatred might actually be a fear. Hence the extreme degree of these issues I have. But that's a good thing--fears have been studied, and that means I have resources (such as you nice folks).

Someone I'm close to turned 21 today. He didn't say anything about it, but come on, there's very little chance that he isn't out drinking tonight. I don't want to be upset about this. I don't want to push him away for this. I want to stop caring so much about this stupid, irrational fear. Actually, it doesn't seem that irrational to me, but it's tempting me to try to control those I care about, and I know that's wrong.

So. Tips for getting over fears in general? Or better yet, this fear in particular?

I'm going to need a whole lot of support if you suggest putting myself around intoxicated people, which I highly suspect you might...

*hugs* I wish I had some good advice for you. I can't think of anything helpful to say, but I do care.
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you know what to do, you just want support. Face your fear, get it over with

I definitely wouldn't suggest putting yourself in the middle of your biggest fear.

That would be like me standing on the edge of a steep cliff or being in a case of spiders. No, I wouldn't put you there.

I wish I had a good suggestion. I feel the same way about guys and porn - that it changes them a little and most people don't notice. (Please everyone, I am not trying to spark a debate on that, just comparing my feelings to sunshine's.)

I don't know. I mean, it's good not to assume anything about your friend who turned 21. Your chances of being right are good, but there is also a chance that you are worrying about something that really isn't taking place. I know a few people who didn't drink when they turned 21. I didn't. (I can't stand the smell of the stuff and I'm allergic to a lot of it anyhow.)

Do your friends know about your fear and your past? Maybe having a conversation with some of your closer friends about this will help them understand a little and help alleviate your fears.

Hi Sunshine-
I can relate to this and I understand where you are coming from. My past in chock full drugs & alcohol and I think my own father may have been a dry drunk. He didn't actually drink too often by the time he had kids, but his father was an alcoholic & the patterns of behavior were still there. The raging, the unpredictability, all of that unpleasant stuff. As far as the hatred and fear, those are understandable feelings; having an angry reaction to how you were treated & having fear/anxiety about it happening again makes sense to me.

The way I deal with it is I do not put myself in the company of intoxicated people too often, and I don't drink myself. If I am around people who are socially drinking, I just watch it and if I start to get uncomfortable, I remove myself from the scene.
As far as the roots of these old fears, I've had some success with EMDR therapy, it's helped a lot with the early childhood stuff.

Good luck!

Originally Posted by Irulan

I definitely wouldn't suggest putting yourself in the middle of your biggest fear.

That would be like me standing on the edge of a steep cliff or being in a case of spiders. No, I wouldn't put you there.

I wish I had a good suggestion. I feel the same way about guys and porn - that it changes them a little and most people don't notice. (Please everyone, I am not trying to spark a debate on that, just comparing my feelings to sunshine's.)

I don't know. I mean, it's good not to assume anything about your friend who turned 21. Your chances of being right are good, but there is also a chance that you are worrying about something that really isn't taking place. I know a few people who didn't drink when they turned 21. I didn't. (I can't stand the smell of the stuff and I'm allergic to a lot of it anyhow.)

Do your friends know about your fear and your past? Maybe having a conversation with some of your closer friends about this will help them understand a little and help alleviate your fears.

Well, he claims that he doesn't drink, out of fear of turning into an alcoholic like his father once was. However, he does say that he likes the taste of alcohol, and I don't think he has a problem drinking a glass every once and a while. This isn't excessive drinking, but it is indicative of the probability that he is drinking tonight. Plus, I haven't heard from him at all this evening, which almost always means he's busy.

Only three people outside my family know all the details of my past and my feelings on the subject. Most of my other close friends at least know that I don't drink, and I don't like the idea of drinking. However, I have yet to have a conversation with this particular friend about the deep extent of my feelings, or the full story of the cause of them (I think all he knows is that my father used to drink, and I don't drink).

Originally Posted by renia22

Hi Sunshine-
I can relate to this and I understand where you are coming from. My past in chock full drugs & alcohol and I think my own father may have been a dry drunk. He didn't actually drink too often by the time he had kids, but his father was an alcoholic & the patterns of behavior were still there. The raging, the unpredictability, all of that unpleasant stuff. As far as the hatred and fear, those are understandable feelings; having an angry reaction to how you were treated & having fear/anxiety about it happening again makes sense to me.

The way I deal with it is I do not put myself in the company of intoxicated people too often, and I don't drink myself. If I am around people who are socially drinking, I just watch it and if I start to get uncomfortable, I remove myself from the scene.
As far as the roots of these old fears, I've had some success with EMDR therapy, it's helped a lot with the early childhood stuff.

Good luck!

I find myself "removing myself from the scene" all too often... It's kind of pathetic.

What is EMDR therapy?

~

The biggest issue for me is that I know all of my friends will drink casually at some point, and a couple already do. And this bothers me. I feel inclined to actually beg them not to drink, which is silly. It's really none of my business, as long as they're responsible about it, which they are. I mostly want to make this bother me less so I don't have the urge to ask them to change their entire lifestyle for my sake.

Alcohol doesn't alter behaviour or thinking. That's a social phenomenon. In tribal societies that have never had any experience with it, it just makes people kinda dizzy. At least in light and moderate quantities.

People that behave very differently under the influence just use it as an excuse, for before and after the fact. They behave in odd ways because of other problems in their life, not because of a simple chemical.

Also, you shouldn't put yourself around intoxicated people if you haven't made any progress getting over your fear yet. That would only worsen it. And it wouldn't bring any understanding.

Perhaps you should experience a light buzz for yourself. A glass or two of wine, in surroundings that you find comfortable. Ask a friend that understands that you're facing a personal fear to be with you. Just to drive the point home that alcohol really doesn't impair judgement as most people seem to think. Get to actually know what it is that you fear, you know?

I've talked to some people who've feared getting drunk for years and then done it. Mostly they expressed astonishment over how completely in control they were, against expectations.

Originally Posted by thewindlistens

Alcohol doesn't alter behaviour or thinking. That's a social phenomenon. In tribal societies that have never had any experience with it, it just makes people kinda dizzy. At least in light and moderate quantities.

People that behave very differently under the influence just use it as an excuse, for before and after the fact.

Also, you shouldn't put yourself around intoxicated people if you haven't made any progress getting over your fear yet. That would only worsen it.

Alcohol heightens your emotions. It makes it more difficult for you to control yourself.

To be honest I don't do any drugs or alcohol at all but I don't mind when people do as long as they control themselves. I think you just need to tell people that you don't like that they drink but you can accept it. But just warn them that if they cross the line you will not speak to them.

You need Al-Anon.
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Let your friends know how you feel, and if they insist on drinking around you, even when they know you have this phobia, it shows that they care more about their own temporary pleasure than they care about whether or not you suffer. What they do when they are not around you is another matter, for them to decide. It's like that time last winter when my uncle, who knew I had a fear of riding in cars, started driving recklessly while I was in the vehicle as his way of responding to my complaint that his speeding and turning back to talk to my aunt were making me anxious. He started swerving wildly on an icy road to punish me for having "irrational fears." If he wants to drive that way while I'm not there, fine, but in my presence, it was wrong for him to intentionally disrespect my boundaries after I had told him that his behavior was causing me to feel anxiety. I eventually had a panic attack, and he yelled at me until his face turned beet red and his veins bulged out of his neck for my "overreaction" as I was shaking, in tears, despite the fact that I only mentioned my anxiety so it wouldn't end up building up into a panic attack. We are morally responsible for caring about each other's feelings, and any decent person, especially a friend, would willingly avoid drinking or even talking about drinking in front of you in order to accommodate your needs. (My uncle recently got in a wreck. He caused a seven car pile up by being careless, so my fears were not irrational.)
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