Tips for getting over my fear?

The problem is that it does bother me that my friends drink, even when they aren't around me... I need to figure out how to get over some of my hang-ups so I'm not so irrational like that.

Originally Posted by Phoenix

You need Al-Anon.
Posted via Mobile Device

As in Alcoholics Anonymous? O.o

Originally Posted by sunshine

The problem is that it does bother me that my friends drink, even when they aren't around me... I need to figure out how to get over some of my hang-ups so I'm not so irrational like that.



As in Alcoholics Anonymous? O.o

It's for the adult children of alcoholics, as well as spouses. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Al-Anon/Alateen
Posted via Mobile Device

Hmmm. Yeah, now that you mention it, using Irulan's example, I suppose it does bother me even knowing that any of my friends use porn, even when they aren't in my presence, because it makes me think of them as potentially unloving people who don't respect relationships. I end up respecting them less whether I mean to or not. I don't know what to do about that sort of situation. If I did, I wouldn't have a similar kind of problem.
Posted via Mobile Device

Originally Posted by snail

Hmmm. Yeah, now that you mention it, using Irulan's example, I suppose it does bother me even knowing that any of my friends use porn, even when they aren't in my presence, because it makes me think of them as potentially unloving people who don't respect relationships. I end up respecting them less whether I mean to or not. I don't know what to do about that sort of situation. If I did, I wouldn't have a similar kind of problem.

I think both you and Sunshine need to see the issues from the other side. In your case, that is specifically being able to look at the use of porn without any disrespect towards relationships attached to it. It's possible.

Both porn and alcohol are heavily abusable and therefore objects of distress to the two of you. Yet they both have safe, valid and respectful uses. In my opinion, seeing those is a potential cure.


I don't know, these are just my opinions. I'm lucky enough to not have any personal experience with phobias.

Sunshine, I have a similar issue with drinking. I can accept that my friends drink when they are away from me and I can even drink myself (in moderation...like one glass of wine or something similar that has little affect on me), but I cannot be around anyone who is drunk or acting ridiculous because of drugs or alcohol. It completely changes my opinion of them. I have stopped talking to friends and even lost my romantic attraction to people after being around them when they are like that. Unlike you though, and probably because it isn't as severe as your situation, I don't want to change how I am. I just know that I cannot date people who drink frequently or to excess nor can i have a close friendship with someone with those habits.

As far as my suggestion for you goes...I'm not really sure what your specific issues are so the earlier suggestion of Al-Anon might be a good first step. If this type of therapy works for you, you might also try cognitive behavioral therapy. I don't know if you are already working with a therapist for anything, but they would be your first stop I think in getting good advice on how to handle this if you are seeing someone.

Good luck.

Hey Sunshine, here's a link for EMDR

EMDR Therapy, EMDR Therapists,EMDR information,PTSD

This particular therapy seems to be helping me, but I also saw a different psychologist for a few years prior to that and have done a lot of reading & research on my own, so it may be a combination of things that have helped. I think if you search around you should be able to find something that would be helpful for you.

(as a side note, I too feel the same way about guys & porn, double if there is any sneakiness or dishonesty involved.)

I think it is normal to change your opinion of someone and try to stay away from them if they get "shitfaced" drunk, frequently, I wouldn't worry about that; but in terms of any alcoholic use...I think you just need to accept that people use alcohol to "spice up there lives". Most people who drink, use it to get away from the every day realities (in my opinion).

I don't really agree with it...but it's part of life and almost everyone does it...so your best bet is probably find people who drink, but they don't let drinking control them. The key is moderation and control. If someone can display that, there is no reason to fear their behavior.

Also, people sometimes drink because it allows them to be impaired enough to do things that they normally wouldn't have the courage to do. Girls use it as an excuse to "hook up" with guys and guys use it to be more forward toward women. It is an easy way of solving problems and meeting your needs in a manner that is "socially acceptable"...its messed up for sure...but its how this world works (at least in your teens to mid 20's, not sure about >30 and on).

You just need to quantify the value of someones friendship vs the burden their drinking puts on your mind.

yeah, people my age use it the same way. Lots of older people go to bars to drink and hook up. It's because they want to be less inhibited, but need an excuse.
Posted via Mobile Device

Originally Posted by DrManhattan

I think it is normal to change your opinion of someone and try to stay away from them if they get "shitfaced" drunk, frequently, I wouldn't worry about that; but in terms of any alcoholic use...I think you just need to accept that people use alcohol to "spice up there lives". Most people who drink, use it to get away from the every day realities (in my opinion).

I don't really agree with it...but it's part of life and almost everyone does it...so your best bet is probably find people who drink, but they don't let drinking control them. The key is moderation and control. If someone can display that, there is no reason to fear their behavior.

Also, people sometimes drink because it allows them to be impaired enough to do things that they normally wouldn't have the courage to do. Girls use it as an excuse to "hook up" with guys and guys use it to be more forward toward women. It is an easy way of solving problems and meeting your needs in a manner that is "socially acceptable"...its messed up for sure...but its how this world works (at least in your teens to mid 20's, not sure about >30 and on).

You just need to quantify the value of someones friendship vs the burden their drinking puts on your mind.

Well, see, that's a part of what bothers me about it... People like to use it to become someone that isn't entirely true to who they are. I feel like that's so... dishonest. (No offense to people who drink; this is just my impression and my opinion...)

To the contrary, it may bring out the very real dark side that they are usually afraid to expose, whether that is lustful, violent, silly, courageous, shallow or deep. Whatever a person is usually too insecure to be, but secretly would be if there were no social consequences, is what the alcohol brings out.
Posted via Mobile Device