Long-Term Effects of Favoritism

Effects of parental favoritism, left unchecked, can be long lasting. A study found siblings who sensed that their mom consistently favored or rejected one child over another were more likely to exhibit depression in middle age. The study also revealed that these possible outcomes can affect both the favored and unfavored child.
Perception is everything

"It doesn't matter whether you're the chosen child or not, the perception of unequal treatment has damaging effects for all siblings," explains Dr. Karl Pillemer, Ph.D., director of the _ and one of the authors of the article.


"The less favored kids may have ill will toward their mother or preferred sibling, and being the favored child brings resentment from one's siblings and the added weight of greater parental expectations."

Some positives

Long-term effects of being the favored child are not all negative. Ellen Weber Libby, Ph.D. asserts that there are, in fact, lots of advantages – including a bolstered self-esteem.

"The favorite child often grows up feeling confident and powerful with an attitude of 'I can get things done,'" says Dr. Libby, author of _


Dr. Libby points out that every president since Franklin D. Roosevelt has been the favorite child.


"In interviews with Harry Truman's siblings during and after his presidency, they revealed that their mother loved them all equally – but there always something special between Harry and mom," Dr. Libby explains.

Negative effects

On the flip side, in the long-term, favorite children may struggle with intimate relationships when they find that no one can possibly love them as much as the parent who favored them.


"They're more likely to be depressed because they spent so much of their lives trying to court parental favor that they may not have developed their own personality," Dr. Libby says.


"Likewise, the overlooked child, who didn't have to do the 'pleasing dance,' may have been free to experience the things he or she wanted to experience and to be the person he or she wanted to be. On the other end of the extreme is the unfavored child, who is often on the receiving end of the parent's anger."

The unfavored child

The unfavored child perhaps stands to suffer the most – even long after he or she has left home whether it be through depression, weakened self-esteem or a chronic need to feel special. And in many cases, sibling relationships are strained as resentment from favoritism breeds.


"I see patients who, even well into their 50s, carry feelings about being the favored or unfavored child," Dr. Libby says. "I have a patient in his 60s whose mom is still alive. He still feels slighted when his elderly mom needs something and turns to his sister. He still wants to be seen as special to his mother."

Long term

Dr. Volling studies sibling relationships and knows all too well the devastating effects that can result from sibling relationships gone wrong particularly due to parental favoritism.
"When you're young, you have to live in the same household," she says. "When kids have grown and left the house, you'll see a lot of instances where siblings avoid each other to the point where they haven't talked in five years.


"The relationship can be that strained. And when parents get older, sibling rivalries don't necessarily end. They often rear their ugly heads again."

I recently read this online. If you haven't already guessed, I was the "unfavored child" and I relate a lot to the underlined.

My younger sister is ENFJ and is the "favored child" and she actually has difficulty making friends (although she is very much focused/obssessed about her social life). I suspect a part of it is because she is used to being pampered by our parents, so she feels discontent since she isn't able to receive the same kind of favoritism/treatment from peers. She has (what seems to me at least) a overly gradiose perception of herself.

On the other hand, I have a good social life and many meaningful friendships outside my home. However, I do suffer from a very weakened sense of self-esteem and often have a hard time feeling like I am special. It's taken a few years for me to cultivate a sense of self-worth, but I feel like it is all crushed the minute I enter back into my home. How about you guys, what are your experiences like?

ps - I don't have enough posts to include links so I had to take out linked words and the source link - for the source link, I'm sure the article will pop up when you google a line or two. I found it on the "metroparent" website.

I was an only child, so I can't relate specifically. But as to all bizarre and incredibly subjective family preferences or dynamics (I have really found myself using that last word a lot around here), you just have to shake it off and not let it define you. People see you through their filters. Most of the time, they're unaware of it.

The important thing is that you see yourself in a positive light. Then make sure you surround yourself with others that see you in a positive light. Some people like macaroni n' cheese, some people like foie gras, just find your particular set of swans. :)