This is a discussion on Stupid comments and questions to trauma survivors within the General Psychology forums, part of the Topics of Interest category; Originally Posted by Blue Butterfly ...Here is a few things I want to say to these people besides “Go to ...
As someone whose also suffered trauma (though I'm now becoming more self-aware about it), I feel the same way as you've written. Especially the "NEVER tell me to just overcome the trauma" phrase. Thank you for declaring your (and inspiring others like myself to again) declare our psychological independence again.Originally Posted by Blue Butterfly
Possibly because they don't realize they are being stupid. Logically, if someone is aware that he/she has a stupid question in mind, they will refrain from asking since they don't want to be humiliated. And really, "stupidity" is all a matter of perception. What sounds stupid to someone can be sensible to another.
Hmm, I agree that treating someone like an inferior being is inappropriate in any situations. People who do that are delusional fools.Having a terrible experience does not make one lower than everyone else!
However, are you sure that they(assuming people treated you like an inferior being) treated you like you were inferior? Many times, when someone goes through trauma, or goes out of trauma(like in your case), their loved ones or people surrounding them worry constantly about the mental well-being of the person with traumatic experience. They may fret and fuss around you and treat you in a delicate way(making you feel as if they think you are fragile) for fear of screwing up your healing process, or make you go back in your traumatic state.
so I don't think it's that they are necessarly viewing up as inferior, but that they want to be extremly cautious (and doing so by displaying idiotic behaviours like, for instance, baby-talk) for the sake of your well-being. While it's certainly annoying, and useless of them to do so, the fact that you're not in a fragile state now hasn't entered their minds yet. Humans do the mistake of staying in the past,and it shows when they deal with a person who had traumatic experience.
Similrarly to the quote from above, I think you may be misinterpreting the "you are superior" behaviour displayed by others to you. People may just want to congratulate you for surviving, because it's not everyone who has that chance, and it takes someone strong to overcome it. Not that people who can't are inferior or weak, of course, but people perhaps just admire persons who can defeat obstacles. (Because they want to be able to do it if it happens to them...envy may be at play, here). Many people who overcame something go into shows like, I don't know, Oprah, and they became the heroes/model for the inexperienced population of humans.
Also, it may just be that people don't know what to say to you, and don't want to appear as if they are treating you like someone fragile, and thus, exagerate the "wow, you are great" waves they sent to you.
But yes, all that said, people have no reason to treat you like you're the Queen/King, if that's what they are truly doing, it's as inappropriate as treating you like you are inferior. After all everyone has the potential to overcome anything, and people who overcame things may not be able to do so the next time they are confronted to an equally horrible situation. Humans are changeable creatures.
It's frustrating when people push you or press you to do things, and "overcome it". While I never experienced trauma, I have had people(friends and family) telling me I should just "get over it" and "overcome it" when I dwelled on situations. Yes, that behaviour is annoying because they don't understand that it doesn't happen overnight and that it's not simple.
Also, it must be equally irritating to hear suggestions when they perhaps don't know the complexity of the trauma. People are superficial and often lack the ability of putting themselves in another's shoes. HOWEVER... if you don't told them the complete depth of your trauma, how on earth do you expect them to know that you are living through X and Z things? They aren't mind readers, nor are they specialists, and you shouldn't expect them to be. Of course, if someone pushes an advice towards you when you make it clear that you don't want any, that is another story...
And, in the case that they know the complete depth of your mental situation, well, giving you advice, comments is their ways of trying to help. They want you to heal, and instead of just saying empty"it'll get better" promises, they are trying to be proactive and helping you to get rid of the problem. This shows that they really care, IMO. Some of them, even though they are ignorant in the domain, can actually some with good suggestions, so it's best to consider everything. Others, of course, will be totally off the track and offer you ridiculously crackpot suggestions. While it might be annoying to hear their incompetence, just remember that you shouldn't expect them to be competent. They aren't trained to deal with trauma, after all, and I'm guessing that before your traumatic experience, you would have given equally ridiculous advices to people with traumatic pasts, had you met any.
I'm sorry, and no offense meant, but just because you experienced trauma and know how to deal with yourself better than inexperienced people in trauma, family members, friends, etc, it doesn't give you a ticket for being condescending towards others who aren't as knowledgable as you. You are only knowledgable in that field because you experienced it, and you would have been quite ignorant if you didn't live through it.
Hmm, perhaps such people ask that question because often trauma is linked with past abuse, and they want to know if any form of aggressivity would trigger further trauma. IMO, that is not a stupid question, they are wondering if such association is possible...and they think it's useful to know. Let's say for one moment that you had a friend who had created that theory. Well, if said friend had an aggressive boyfriend, and wanted you to meet him, and was afraid that his aggresivity would damage you, wouldn't it be a useful question to ask? And an intelligent one too? Just because it isn't the case with you, it doesn't mean that it isn't for other post-traumatic folks. And your friends may not know if that's the case for you(how could they know, they arent you!!), so they ask.
Of course, if poeple automatically assume that you can't handle aggressivity, they are the ones being narrow-minded and ignorant.
For once, I completly agree with what you said. People and society can be so irritating, treating any difference or different experience like some phenominal event that need to be stared down like animals in a Zoo!Well, humans do have a tendency to be mediocre, unfortunately, acting like fools instead of sensible creatures. No wonder they often self-destruct.
People don't know the meaning of empathy in general. They(and many psy, I find) don't have an effing clue as how to approach complex situations.
OK, while it may be annoying to receive those questions, it doesn't make them stupid(both talking about people and questions, btw). If some truly want to degrade you, or continue after you tell them to stop, well, by all means, curse them to the next country. But there's no reason to bash all "ignorant" people.
And, it seems to me as if you are unrealistically expecting inexperienced people in trauma to be all knwoledgable in that domain while they shouldn't be, unless they want to do something in psychology later on. It's unfair to criticize them like it's unfair to criticize an artist for his lack of knowledge in maths. Calling them stupid for their lack of knowledge makes you appear as ignorant as they appear to you because OBVIOUSLY they aren't going to be competent in an area in which they didn't learn a thing.
I apologize in advance if my post offends you, it was not my intention to attack you. But frankly, I find your post needlessly condescending, and it causes my Fi to erupt in indignation.
Most people only want to understand, because if they've never experienced it they do not know the feelings or memories that haunt you. They say things because this is how they're used to responding, in general they care but do not know how to handle issues that are generally never brought up in day to day life. Whilst people can feel for the pain a trauma victim has endured unless they've been through a similar experience they can never truly understand how certain phrases/words can make the individual feel.
People make comments because they don't understand, but they can't begin to understand until they've made those comments and the individual they were directed at takes the time to explain to them how this makes them feel, why certain phrases do not work in practice and how they cannot simply snap their fingers and be normal again. They act in the way they think is best, much like how some parents think calling their child fat/greedy will make them realise they need to change their lifestyle. They don't understand how this is interpreted because they do not mean it to hurt, only to help. Generally.
You also have to remember that some of these people may have suffered trauma, their responses being fashioned out of how they were dealt with at the time. Others get frustrated because they do not understand, or because they know all the theory but lack the knowledge of how to apply that to real people. Not textbook examples, but real people, people with wounds they are trying to fix and even people who simply keep reopening them without realising they need to start letting them heal before it creates a life-long scar.
People need to be educated, otherwise they'll keep being ignorant.
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