All right, well theres already a 'meaningful' quotes thread, lets make a 'funny' quotes thread....
"Adam was the luckiest man in the world. He had no mother-in-law."
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
"When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself."
A bureaucrat is a Democrat who holds some office that a Republican wants.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."
"When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, "There's just something about you that pisses me off."
"If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?"
You laugh because I'm different...........
I laugh cause I just farted!
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
Religion is just mind control.
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.