10 random things no one would know about you

euthanasia?

Originally Posted by starrynights

euthanasia?

That is my guess/hope.

I really don't think she wants to expound on it. And if she wanted everyone to know what it was would have gone more in depth.

These are fun.

1. I'm a second-year criminal justice student.
2. I once auditioned for an Oscar Meyer commercial when I was six or seven years old. (I sang, "My baloney has a first name...")
3. I frequently bite my fingernails.
4. I can't watch "My Girl" without crying at the end.
5. I think Kevin Spacey is sexy.
6. I'm more than a little freaked out by mannequins. And wigs.
7. In high school, I was voted Most Likely to Succeed.
8. I always wear my Claddagh ring. I feel naked without it.
9. One of my roommates is expecting her first child on August 11, and my best friend is expecting her first child on September 7. I'm very excited about being an aunt.
10. I'm almost finished reading "American Psycho," and I loved it. I would recommend it to anyone who doesn't have a weak stomach.

Originally Posted by NephilimAzrael

You killed what exactly?
Human or beast?

Now that you mention it, I have killed both. I forgot to even mention the snake I decapitated as a child, but the guilt from that haunted me long into my adulthood. It was most likely a response to seeing my parents kill animals that I cared about. I grew up on a small family farm, and I was probably attempting to empathize with them to see if I could detach from the emotional experience of killing an animal. I guess I saw how little it affected them and thought that it might just be an issue of perspective. Of course, it was a horrible failure and I cried myself to sleep, wrote poems about the snake and felt horrible for a long time.

Originally Posted by starrynights

euthanasia?

No, I wish it were just that.

Originally Posted by Zulban

That is my guess/hope.

Since everyone is curious, I will explain. I was in a relationship with an abuser who sometimes raped me without using protection. I was afraid to leave because I didn't know what he might do. I was on birth control despite the fact that it messed with my already unbalanced hormones, but despite the pills, I got pregnant and in an act of faithless desperation, had an abortion. I did it partly because he told me to, but mostly because I was very psychologically messed up and couldn't bear the thought of bringing a child into a sick world knowing the child's father would be a sadistic bully who would mistreat the child. I thought that even if I found a safe way to leave the father, I would have to knowingly subject the child to a corrupt system that I consider unacceptable. In that system, the child would likely be taken away because of my unwillingness to comply with all of the controls and rules.

To put it simply, I felt like a caged hamster, so I acted like one. I loved my baby dearly and could feel a beautiful living presence inside of me, but I didn't see any way out of what I felt like I had to do. The night before I went in to the clinic, I cried so bitterly that I writhed on the floor, tore at my clothes and hair, and just wailed in the corner of my closet until I didn't know how much time had passed. When I started to cry in the clinic, I had to stifle it, because the people working there considered it strange and inappropriate. I still feel just as much pain years later, possibly more, because I now believe that if I had just given birth like I was supposed to, God would have provided a way for everything to be okay. It was a faithless act, and I would die to undo it, now.

I can't imagine killing anyone now, even in self defense. I think I would let someone else kill me first.

That took courage snail.. Thank you.

I know there are different stances on abortion amongst the members, but what happened to you was incredibly traumatic. As a fellow victim of abuse, and a non-believer in the use of lethal force, my heart (as small as it is) goes out to you.
*hug*

Originally Posted by NephilimAzrael

That took courage snail.. Thank you.

I agree, that did take courage. I'm not a violent person, but I wouldn't be afraid to use lethal force if I had to. I hate guys like the one you were in a relationship with. Again, I'm not a violent person, yet I wouldn't mind hitting him a few times.

*much hugs*

Yes that took courage, but we sure prodded a lot!

I'm sorry that happened snail. I hope, maybe, that knowing if the birth control had simply worked in the first place, things would be exactly as they are now. It's really unfortunate that you still feel bad about this, I hope one day you don't.

My best attempt at being an F!

Oh, *hug*

*hugs*
Sorry that ever happened to you