This is a discussion on Relationship Questions for ESTJs within the ESTJ Forum - The Guardians forums, part of the SJ's Temperament Forum- The Overseers category; Originally Posted by Functianalyst Sorry to interrupt such a serious discussion, but Wicked I would be willing sacrifice for you ...
here's my answers :)
- Yes, longest relationship was 5 years
- No fuck buddy don't appeal to me at all
- I think I'm a romantic - but not in a soppy way.
- Don't have a partner.
- As above
- Common problems - dishonesty. Yes I hit my previous partner because he cheated/lied to me.
- No, I've never wanted to dominate the relationship - I like it equal, and that there's trust, loyalty and respect.
- If I'm hurt/angry, I want to discuss it in a calm, mature way.
- As answered in 5.
- As above.
Yuensze, I don't know why yet, but your answers somehow make me have doubt about your type. Are you really sure that you're an ESTJ?
hey wickedqueen, I've lived it and learned it and continue to learn - I strive to communicate better and for people to understand me better because an ESTJ 'hides' their feelings - I found from the past that it wasn't healthy for me...and even tho it does mean making a special effort it's worth it. My MBTI practitioner says not to 'box' yourself in a personality type as there are many factors that make up an individual's personality, MBTI just explains how we perceive things and make decisions, it is just a small part of us, therefore it does NOT WHOLLY make us who we are. :)
There are several theories on type and relationships. But they are theories and do not necessarily apply in real life. One theory is that opposites attract. In this case the ESTJ will find interest in the INFP since their functions are the exact opposite. Such relationships conjure up thoughts of the wife who craves romance, but must toe-the-line of their husbandís strict regimen or the wimpy husband succumbing to the over bearing wife.
The other theory is birds of a feather that refers to the common functions of types. In the case of ESTJ, this would be T-S-N-F. In that case it would make the ISTP the ESTJs best mate. However I disagree with this theory as well. Both theories do not take into consideration a very key component, which is temperament. I hate to admit but Keirsey may have this one correct that our core values come into play. Being in a relationship with a typical ESTJ would drive me batty. Theyíre too needy when it comes to wanting someone to share their day-to-day lives.
I donít think that type comes into play, but if we must then I think ISTJ would be the best mate for ESTJ. They share the same core values in temperament, are both direct in interaction style and where the ESTJ can help ISTJ develop their Te, the ISTJ can help the ESTJ develop their Si. I think that ISFJ would also be good matches for ESTJ, but someone on here has already related their life with an ESTJ and it did not sound pretty.
I think that Keirsey is absolutely right in his relationship typing. My sister is an INFP and although I love and respect her, we simply have almost nothing in common. It is my belief that you need at least SOMETHING really deep in your core thats similar to keep a relationship going. All the good long term relationships I know of have 3 things the opposite and 1 thing thats similar in terms of letters. Of course this doesnt mean other cant work out, this is just what I happened to have seen.
I have never been attracted to any other SJ or ever will be I dont think. Having someone exactly like you may be safe, but its also boring. Its not that I dont respect other SJ's at all, because I absolutely do, but there are too many things about us that are so similar that I just feel like you cant have too many of the same cooks in the kitchen, if you know what I mean? The funny thing is that most people think that similarities in personality type work out fine. I know 4 other ESTJ's and we're always in some sort of argument. One of us thinks that doing something a certain way IS the right way and the other is the exact opposite. Frankly, as much as I love who I am, I rarely become good friends with these people, my grandpa being the exception because he is family. The only SJ type I connect with the most is an ISFJ, but that's because they're half opposite of me. Otherwise all my friends are NT's, SP's and NF's. I think I have maybe one good friend who's an SJ.
I do agree with you mostly about ISTP's. One of my best friends is one and although I love him a lot and love his personality, I could see how a relationship would not work out as well. You guys do NOT want to be controlled and will constantly put up a fight about that. I get yelled at everytime it happens. However, you guys are also fabulous for us, because you do yell at us or at least tell us when we get out of line. It is actually funny to me, because my guy friend and I became friends because we were in a fight. He thought I was too extroverted and needed to shut my mouth and stop being so controlling and I thought he was lazy and didnt tell people what he was thinking. We became best friends though and so now we're very close.
But I will say that I dont think I could marry and ISTP. I thought about it a lot. Our ST's definitely make us similar on a thinking scale, but again, it might make us too similar. Although my friend is a fantastic listener and will give me great advice and brighten up my day. If I am really sad and dealing with stressful emotional things I go to my ISFP, because the fact is that when I am in my worst state, he is right there to be really soothing and non judgmental, pretty much there to just hold me until I feel better, and that's what I need. So in that case, I will say that Keirsey is spot on. When I met my ISFP I thought, strangely enough because i dont believe in this stuff, that it was fate that brought us together. We have a lot of problems and it has definitely been no picnic, but going through your differences with someone and finding that they actually end up teaching you what you need instead of what you want is really good for anyone. Out of all the people in my life, he really changed me the most. I thought it was fate, but then I read Keirsey's book and found out that actually it was just what he refers to as my "best match".
Have you ever been in relationship? What's the longest relationship you ever had?
Yes, I've been married 6 years and we have two children
What do you think about fuck-buddy? Is that sounds appealing for you (whether you are single or not)?
Brilliant idea. I've had one/been one. Sex without strings; what's not to like?
Do you consider yourself as romantic? How romantic are you? How do you show it?
Not really. I don't do Valentine's Day for example. But I do like to do little things like bringing him a beer, and making sure he gets plenty of time to himself away from the children, which I think he appreciates. SO, practical romantic rather than hearts and roses romantic.
What type is your partner? What does he/she thinks about you?
Don't know. Probably an INTJ. He is amused and impressed by me. He doesn't understand my drive and ambition but he's grateful for it as it allows him to concentrate on his things.
What is your overview about your relationship? How does your partner sees it?
We have a fabulous relationship as we both work very hard at it. We share a sense of humour which can be quite cruel at times.
What are the common problems that following the argument/fights between you and your partner? Have you ever hit/hurt your partner, physically, when you're angry?
We don't fight. We used to sulk a lot but now humour gets us out of that particular rut. Never raise voices, never get physical.
Do you end up wanting to dominate the relationship? Does your way of showing how much you care for him/her are mostly end up causing a fight/argument between the two of you?
I don't WANT to dominate, but it just sort of happens. I try to make him feel in control as much as he can, but we both know I'm in charge really. He appreciates the effort.
How do you show/manage your anger to your partner?
Don't get angry about him, but he's very tolerant about me ranting about stupid people as he gets frustrated with them too.
Are you satisfied with your current relationship?
Do you think that he/she is the perfect one for you? Have you ever wanted to look for other mate?
Oh that's so interesting that you married an INTJ! All of my good girlfriends have always been INTJ's for some reason AND one of them is actually marrying an ESTJ soon so its good to know you guys are still very successful. I know that INTJ's are amazingly loyal, as my stepdad is one also. If I didnt already find my ISFP, who I probably will end up married, I would love an INTJ.
1. yes. one year and 2 months
2. i think they're great. but that's all they are, fuck buddies! NSA sex while NOT in a monogamous relationship because I would dare not hurt my S.O. in any way.
3. I won't rate myself a romantic on a high scale. Gifts/flowers are great, but should not be given allll the freakin' time! Mix it up a bit; what helped me with my partner was, of course, compromise. Right now I'm in the dating scene, and I would plan out the venues for dates, but I would gladly not PLAN everything to the last detail anymore (which took me quite awhile to discover that others find it boring) and have fun, spontaneous dates. I express my romanticism affectionately and aggressively! lol
4. My ex-girlfriend I believe is an ESFP. Could not find common ground with that girl! Well I guess it was because we both had different values and hobbies?
5. Not currently in a relationship, so I'm unable to answer. :)
6. skip, and no i have never hurt my partner physically
7. I prefer to take the lead in relationships and do what's best for the relationship. Yet I am always open to my mate's opinions and advice because "it takes two to tango!" you're a couple, so work your issues out to the best of your ability. It's all about maintaining harmony. Also, if her opinions make sense to me, they will find their place in my value system. I prefer to not let arguments escalate. I like to resolve conflicts, and at times, I have to work extra hard at holding my tongue from delivering sharp criticism! :ř~~~
8. I repress my anger and hardly ever show emotions. If I feel the need to leave the room, I will in a calm civil manner. Once you lose your cool and lash out (which I have done in the past), it just makes the situation more difficult.
10. I am very picky with my mates. I need to find someone with similar interests, similar values, who will not hesitate to do anything to help/assist me with my goals as I will with her. If you believe in me and support me 10 times, I'll believe in you and support you 100 times more. She must be compassionate, caring, unselfish, and supportive; someone I can place on a pedestal and praise, hence, a trophy wife! :D
She needs to be in good standing with her family, her church, and must be firm and able to stand up for herself against all odds.
1. 2 years
3. I always think of it in my head that I'm a romantic person and imagine how a date would be like. But when it comes down to it, I'm not very romantic. I would always hold hands and snuggle but I always run out of ideas and end up not knowing what to do which leaves it up to my partner to initiate and keep going with the romantic gestures.
4. I believe he was an ISTP or an ISFP, I'm not sure. I'm not sure what he thought of me. I never asked him.
5. I'm not in a relationship. I wouldn't know.
6. I say what I have in mind and say it as is. I've never hurt my partner physically but maybe verbally.
7. Yes but recently, I have this idea of wanting a 50 50 and a balance in our relationship rather than either of us dominating in the relationship. I don't like to be dominated or controlled or I'll take over which would create an argument.
8. Depends. Sometimes I can hold it in and sometimes it slips out and I end up hurting him verbally which isn't intentional whatsoever.
9. I'm not in a relationship right now.
10. Not in a relationship now.