Estj + enfp = ?

[livingalife]

so, i'm an openminded carefree (for the most part) ENFP spirit who happens to trip across the path of an offduty ESTJ swat cop who sweeps me off my feet.(with his hand on the small of my back) two totally different mindsets, ways of relating and being ... and we really connect. total opposites attract. but i wonder, is this pure madness? are there others in this forum who have successfully rocked this combo?

[kept81213]

Actually I'm pretty sure that we have been asked this before. I think there was someone who is an ENFP who was asking about this.

Pretty much what I can say is that my mom is an ENFP and although we've definitely gotten into really heated arguments and we definitely have our differences I love her to death. Personally, for relationships, really close ones, I love FP's. There's something about you guys that makes me really want to open up and makes me feel really safe doing so. It doesn't necessary mean I do right away, I just feel completely non-judged. You guys, xNFP's in particular are very empathetic. My sister, an INFP, and my mom are some of the nicest really true people I know, and when you're cared by them, you're completely overwhelmed by their love. My mom being extroverted, just sort of showers me with her love, one minute she'll be a nuturing parent who wants me to be exactly who I am, and the next she is sort of like a playful child. FP's also just really know how to have a good time.

The extroverted piece however is something you need to watch out for. My mom being and EF is what is called an emotional pursuer. If I'm upset she can sense it and will pretty much pace in front of my door concerned (figuratively and literally). She then tries to get me to tell her what is wrong. Being Te, I am not exactly comfortable with emotions and so being emotionally pursued really makes me draw back from whoever it is. I am happy to tell people really personal things as long as there's no pressure to do so. Its more like you have to let the ESTJ come to you about those things and not the other way around. You guys can be fabulous listeners, so be patient and you may ending up being his go-to when he needs someone to talk to. I can tell you that you guys completely calm us down. You make us less uptight, more relaxed and way more feeling-like. Don't be afraid to speak your mind to an ESTJ, we love straight up honesty and so if you're upset about something let us know, and dont be afraid to yell if you need to, it wont hurt us. Also, sometimes ESTJ's say things that seem really personal and harsh, but we dont mean to me, just remember to look for the good parts of our personality type. I think it could probably work, plus you'll have a lot of fun, and more than anything you'll have a very very loyal person at your side. :)

[livingalife]

Kept 81213 you provided such wonderful insight, which is very much appreciated. your shared experiences really connected me to some of the issues i have been tossing around in my mind. the pacing in front of the door by your mom when you are sorting it out made me crack up. i believe you hit it on the head when you indicated a calming, more relaxed, feeling response to the combo. thank you again! i tend to unravel everything down to the last bit instead of staying in the moment and just experiencing. i am having fun, and will try to have faith that what seems so right, is right in the here and now :0)

[Astaneh]

Hi there,

I'm an ENFP who only has one sister, and she's an ESTJ. Obviously, the whole gender difference I'm sure adds a different dynamic to things, but I'll try think of a few things that I've noticed about this relationship dynamic:

--> My sister is fiercely competitive, and in her spare time she likes to run marathons, do triathlons, and is training to do an Ironman at the moment I think. They're usually very athletically adept, and they like to work hard, play hard.

--> She is definitely a doer, and she is quite strict on herself and what she wishes to achieve. She has a tremendous drive, and is pretty consistent with no real issues following through on things.

--> She will respect achievements, intelligence, etc but they have to be tangible achievements. She would view philosophical musings or the study of abstract concepts, the benefits of which would escape her, as a waste of time and this can be frustrating.

--> On a similar note, she has no interest in discussing deeper questions, living firmly in the present. So, good luck to you if you are the kind who likes to pop out questions such as "what is the meaning of life?". You will be looked at like an alien. She's an intelligent person, but her mind just has zero interest in these kind of questions. She lives very firmly in the present and in a world of tangible facts and reality.

--> She's incredibly loyal, and family events have tremendous importance to her.

--> She's insanely stubborn. She gets what I not-so-affectionately have been known to describe as "mental blocks". Basically, if she gets thickheaded about something, she will not budge. And the more you try to get her to break down, the more rigid she becomes. Luckily, it's usually about pretty trivial issues. But, if this happens, even if she's wrong and she probably realises that she's wrong, she WILL NOT admit this. It will have to be the other party that 'lets things slide'

--> She likes to be the one 'in charge'. In other words, ESTJ's often like to surround themselves by 'yes people', although she would never admit this. They're pretty easy to get on with as long as you're intelligent and understanding enough to allow them to have this sense of control. However, this has been the greatest source of conflict for us. Basically, she will try to force me to do something, and as I'm sure you're aware, ENFP's hate control --- both controlling others and being controlled. So, when she tries to force her agenda on me, that's when things can get tricky.

However, luckily...she's very loyal, family-focused and has tremendous love for all of us. So, I do think she works on her personality as much as she can, and if there was any sort of long-standing conflict between her and another family member, it would tear her up. So, in that sense I think that if you do quarrel, be aware that he will probably be devastated by that kind of thing. Therefore, if an issue takes a while to resolve, it won't be because he doesn't want to. It will be because he may not know how, or because he cannot control his behaviour, that appears to an outsider to be almost childish stubbornness.

--> My sister is also the life of the party. She's very energetic, and others will be able to feel that energy, and if she's in a good mood, then you can rest assured that this will rub off of those who she comes in contact with.

Okay, I have to go now (the library's closing!) but if I think of anything else later on, I'll be sure to add it. Sorry about the hastily worded reply.

[MINA44]

If you have not gotten too involved yet, try dating your dual (ISTp personality types) first, otherwise, I guess it could be ok, but for the long run, I would watch out for your personal emotions being hurt because the ESTj's over use of methods and controling their environment and being on schedual/planning may drive you crazy; this is the difference in P types and J types. Maybe you'll feel a little ristricted and that may backfire on your natural carefree way.

[WMDistraction]

Well, I'll provide the exact opposite situation from kept.

My mom's an ESTJ, and I'm an ENFP. I love and respect my mother, but I'm usually scared shitless of her and ask her for permission to do nearly anything (minus routine visits to friend's houses). I've done some things that I know she wouldn't approve of, and I keep that away from her at all times. (I need her approval.) We get along, and I like to go out and do things with my mom; but when it's just her and me at home, I usually end up going upstairs by myself on the computer.

Also, the chores are very frequent, but consistent. You can almost bet that the lawn needs mowed every five days, the pool needs cleaned before you use it, and, by god, DON'T FORGET TO FEED THE DOG! There are always things to do around the house, and my dad (I think he's an INFP.) has even complained to me personally about the amount of remodeling my mom thought we should do this past winter. (We ended up redoing the living room, their bedroom, my bedroom, all of our bathrooms [2 1/2], upstairs hallway, and my sister's bedroom.)

However, she's not (to me) this consistent when it comes to emotional responses. I can mention something that I'm really excited about, that I think my mom will think is really cool, and she'll just nod and think it's interesting. I've been yelled at for telling jokes. (When I first learned to drive, I mentioned that my guitar teacher jokingly said that I should "get as many chicks as possible in the car, and drink the whole time." I thought it was funny, but I thought wrong.) There have been, what I considered to be, things to mention in passing (I saw so-and-so, turned in something early, etc.) that turn into hour-long, awkward (for me) conversations about how that person's doing (Spoiler: I have no clue. I said, "Hi.") or she'll need updated on what's going on with the form I turned in. (Spoiler #2: Still no clue.)

At this point, it may sound like I don't like my mother, but I do actually love her. She's saved my life, both literally and figuratively, multiple times, and I'm only 19. She's prouder of me than any other mother I know of, and constantly boasts of my accomplishments to other people. (It's embarrassing to me, but who am I to turn down a compliment?) She's always there for me to lean on when I need it and, most importantly, is the reason why I'm where I'm at right now.

The purpose of this post changed dramatically, but whatever. :D

[Blue Heart]

Originally Posted by livingalife

so, i'm an openminded carefree (for the most part) ENFP spirit who happens to trip across the path of an offduty ESTJ swat cop who sweeps me off my feet.(with his hand on the small of my back) two totally different mindsets, ways of relating and being ... and we really connect. total opposites attract. but i wonder, is this pure madness? are there others in this forum who have successfully rocked this combo?

My sister is an ENFJ married to an ESTJ - it may be a fun different place to visit, but believe me you don't want to live there. If you are looking for fun, go for it, but if you are looking for something more permanent, uh....

[kept81213]

I recently "dated" an ENFP I'm pretty sure and ya the chemistry is amazing. So I think it can work out if both people are willing to work on things. I do think though that both are pretty powerful emotionally (and yes, ESTJ's are super emotional, it just comes out in a different way) so when a problem hits the ENFP's tend to say something that makes ESTJ's flip out and we just want calm and order so that freaks us out and then it spirals. This happened with this guy and it happens with my mom all the time. Causes a lot more pain then would be expected, but i think that's why the chemistry's so hot too :)