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This is a discussion on Ask an ESFJ! within the ESFJ Forum - The Caregivers forums, part of the SJ's Temperament Forum- The Overseers category; Originally Posted by MelanieM Its really hard for me to distinguish female ESFJs from female ESTJs. I can spot a ...
It's hard to identify male feelers since society frowns upon men showing their feelings. I think it would be hard to be a male feeler. Who are they going to talk about their feelings with? Their friends? Lol
I guess when they get older and get married they can open up to their spouses, but even then...
An ESFJ I know gave $1000 to a youtube channel... He met the people at an event and really liked them. He barely makes $1000 a month, but he decided to give it to a youtube channel. Just because they "treated him well and were professional" he said.
Is this something other ESFJ's do? I'm thinking he has serious issues though.
So I have an ex-gf who said she tested to be an ESFJ, however i have my doubts.
My primary doubt is the fact that she'd be an "E" she didn't seem very outgoing to me, is that even possible?
She was polite and mannered and seemed reserved.
She had a few good friends and not many acquaintances... but I didn't feel like she was even as close to her friends as I was.
It took a while for her to warm up to me.
She seemed logical, we'd always talk about the silly things people would do and how they could do better.
She did value her family a ton and was protective of a few even though they took advantage of her.
She did tell me that I didn't appreciate her enough because I didn't really verbalize that to her in spite of me saying I love her.
She did think about me and do a lot of little things for me.
She just seemed to be very emotional but seemed to hold on to things until they exploded out of her.
She had a very difficult time explaining anything logical behind her feelings.
For instance she'd say she felt someway, upset with me for example, but then when I asked her what I did she would bring up an action I did a while ago and it seemed like she was mad about something else entirely but didn't want to say it.
Even though I had a hunch something else maybe even unrelated to me could be going on she never really explained the thoughts in her head to me.
She seemed to think I was cold and judgmental even though I felt like she did her own share of judging.
...I mean telling someone they are judgmental in itself is a judgement, is it not?
Oh and she totally needed to be left alone when she got home, but then sometimes she'd get upset that I wasn't paying attention to her when she got home lol.
She was kind of messy around the house
It seemed hard for her to take action and do things that would make her life easier even though it was easy for her to tell other people what they should do.
She was also a hard worker and very loyal to her employers, maybe even to a fault.. she'd stick with jobs she didn't need to stick with for longer then she had to by my estimation.
I know she values security a ton, it seems pretty difficult for her to take risks even if it's clearly for the best.
Now that we've broken up for a bit she seems to be embracing this spontaneous aspect of herself.
She is very into taking pictures and do it yourself stuff. She's letting this more crafty side come out. She's always had like internet blogs and stuff although it was rare for her to share them with me.
So I just want to know does this sound like stuff you can identify with or anything you have experienced in your relationships?
The reason I say that is my default mood, if you will, is happy. It seems like she had a strong desire to feel needed/wanted and needed that regular affirmation of appreciation. If she didn't tell me something was wrong I figured everything was good... I only speak up when things are bad. If I didn't give her that appreciation it seemed like she'd feel unappreciated more and more till it boiled over.
Also do you think it's uncharacteristic of the type to not really be outgoing?
She's the type that is comfortable once engaged but she really isn't the first to initiate conversation, which seems more introvert.
Also she seems kind of dreamy sometimes which is why I say she seems to have internal processes going on.
I can't speak for her but I like it when my husband validates my emotions, tries to understand me, builds me up
I know ESFJs like it too.
ESFP women LOVE compliments
I think most women do, except for NT women. Maybe ST women as well.
Im just guessing here.
The discrepancy comes from a need to get compliments because it validates that you are important and needed.
What I am specifically referring to is that drive to feel like your actions are getting noticed and you're getting verbal confirmation of appreciation for the specific things you do... and without that you'll start to feel like you're somehow less worthy or going unnoticed/unappreciated or unwanted. And you'll start to feel like the person who you do all these things for is cold and takes you for granted.
It's the consistent selfless nature they have for the people they care about combined with the need to feel appreciated for their selfless acts and how considerate they are. I wonder if that is a strong characteristic of any other types. Specifically a type that would be a little more introvert and have a bit of difficulty expressing what they are specifically looking for in terms of action from their significant other.
Here's a type of conversation might take place:
Her: "I don't feel like you appreciate what I do for you"
Me: " I do appreciate what you do for me, I tell you thanks I do things for you too... to show my appreciation"
Her: "I feel like I do a lot of things for you and you take me for granted"
Me: "I realize you do a lot of things for me, like I said I appreciate them and I notice them. I just don't get why you feel like I don't appreciate you... I mean what do I need to do to show you I appreciate you?"
Her: "Well you don't do - this, or this, or this, etc (Chores)."
Me: "Even when I do this you still end up mad at me and don't feel like I appreciate you...I don't get how I can make you happy because even when I do what you ask me to do you still end up unhappy with me after a while"
Her: "You never listen to me, that's why I can never talk to you"
Me: "Ugh, why don't you just actually tell me what you want instead of giving me a bunch of other things that do that never resolve the issue? What's going on in your head you say you're unhappy but then you just give me a bunch of chores to do that never make you happy when I do them anyway."