[lovabie]

Hello ENTPs,

So I must warn you, this is long. Apologies. I hope you can bear to read through it for the problem-solving buzz. I have no one else to turn to!



So I broke up with my ENTP boyfriend a couple of months ago, it was around mid February. I ended it because I felt like we just couldn't see eye to eye; his world view and mine clashed constantly and we were stuck in a terrible rut. We are both young fairly unhealthy, he being too narcissitic and extremely preoccupied by image, wealth and status (which drove me insane because at times it felt like I was living in American Psycho, no joke) and I being too depressive, prone to horrible cycles of melancholy which render me pretty much lifeless. Not a good match.

I tried to end it once last December, but he cried so hard (yes, he honestly cried!) that I felt unbelievably guilty and took him back, under the conditions that we'd be more honest and open with each other with the future. Nothing changed of course, and so I broke up with him for good in February. He was stunned and incapable of speaking to me at the time, but we met a week later and chatted about it and agreed it was for the best - we were both too busy and ambitious to focus on the relationship, and things hadn't been good for a while.

Since then, he has called me several times on random days, sometimes turning up at my door, usually at odd hours, and most often drunk. Stupidly I always let him in, thinking he's came to 'talk' and that we'll maybe tie up loose ends, as we obviously still have complex feelings for each other, and I think it helps to talk these things out rationally. However when we see each other, it's like we're both lost for words and we get really shy, and we end up just kissing really frustratedly. Then he usually falls asleep and leaves the next morning, and it's forgotten about. Until next time he calls.

Anyway, I hadn't heard from him for three weeks - the longest spell yet - and so I assumed he had found another girl. Long story short, I found this to be true - he's had another girl round for dinner and I believe they've slept together more than once.

But the worst part is: SHE LIVES IN THE FLAT RIGHT ABOVE ME. Her bedroom is literally directly above my own, and I can hear her music, her footsteps, sometimes her conversations. So god knows what I'd hear if he were to visit... :(

I'm trying not to be too mad because I understand that you can't help who you fall for, and I'm not sure whether he knew her address before he started talking to her.

In either case, the situation is fucked because last night, he called me around 5am after a night out. Again, stupidly, I let him in. I'll admit I was curious and hoped he'd have something interesting to say. But he kissed me everywhere and tried to sleep with me, I pushed him off and told him to go home. When he left he kissed me passionately, violently even, and since then has dropped me 2 text messages, one of those being around 5 minutes ago. Now I assume she is with him at the moment because upstairs is silent and she left the flat looking 'datey' (I looked through my peephole when I heard her coming down, creepy I know) so why is he texting me when he's with her?

More importantly:
WHY THE FUCK did he come to mine last night if he's seeing her?
If it was because he meant to call her and called me instead, then why didn't he jst hang up?
Why did he kiss me and hold me like everything was like it was and that he loved me?
Does this mean he's not over me and the girl upstairs is just a rebound? (If that's the case what do I do because I don't want to get back with him one bit!)
Just how serious is dinner and nights out, is that usually a sign you like someone a lot?

He doesn't know I know about the girl - I thought it best to keep quiet until I found more information. So I thought in a way it could be revenge for me breaking up with him? But how would it be revenge if he doesn't now I know? Did he simply expect me to find out? (Doubtful - the way I found out was a combination of small circumstances and overheard conversations in the stairwell which added up to an AHA moment; I have never spoken to the girl before and we have no mutual friends)

Do I confront him? Or let him continue seeing her, knowing that he could be right above me at any moment?


WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO SHE LIVES ABOVE ME!!!!!!
If they start dating, I'll hear everything! I'll be living in a state of constant anxiety knowing the boy I loved for 3 years is prowling around above me with another girl! I can't move because I just renewed my lease for another year. :(

Oh help, I'm so confused because I just don't know where I stand anymore, I don't know what he thinks of me and anytime I've asked him in the past he just pulls faces or cracks jokes. In truth, I don't even think HE knows what he feels about us, so asking him is futile as we end up stumbling over our own sentences and getting nowhere. It's hard to explain but we have a real communication problem - it's like we both put on an act when we get together, he acts like a jokey, arrogant, Jim Carey type, while I act like a shy little Disney princess who has no brain. It's odd because this is just not me at all, and yet everytime I'm with him I'm stumped for words, it's like the sight of him turns my brain to mush. Together it's like we're playing a game of happy couples, and that's why I ended it - it never felt real to me.

Anyone else experienced a similar type of INFJ - ENTP mode of communicating?

[bellisaurius]

Oh, dear god. That is a world of suck. Your choices are stark. Move, Undermine, Deal. None of them are good. Is there even a vague chance you're wrong?

[lovabie]

Yep, exactly! It seems there's no way out of this situation! I absolutely love my flat and it's almost perfect, so to move would be awful, not to mention perhaps impossible since I've already renewed my lease and it's so hard to find a room here!

I just don't know whether I should speak to him about it or not though. The whole situation has thrown me.

And no, I'm 100% right, I looked at his facebook mails while he slept last night. (he brings his laptop everywhere) I'm not proud of that, it was wrong of me to invade his privacy. But it was only confirming what I already knew - I had to find out for sure as I was so convinced I my hunches were right and yet it seemed so preposterous that I had worked it out from a few conversations and noises in stairwell! At least I know I'm nto going crazy imagining things...

[bellisaurius]

Yep, exactly! It seems there's no way out of this situation! I absolutely love my flat and it's almost perfect, so to move would be awful, not to mention perhaps impossible since I've already renewed my lease and it's so hard to find a room here!

I just don't know whether I should speak to him about it or not though. The whole situation has thrown me.

And no, I'm 100% right, I looked at his facebook mails while he slept last night. (he brings his laptop everywhere) I'm not proud of that, it was wrong of me to invade his privacy. But it was only confirming what I already knew - I had to find out for sure as I was so convinced I my hunches were right and yet it seemed so preposterous that I had worked it out from a few conversations and noises in stairwell! At least I know I'm nto going crazy imagining things...

This is a confront situation. My guess is he'll deny, then when you present the information, prevaricate and act indignant about your snooping. The one time I had to deal with booty calls, I just ignored it, but I don't think I could deal with it upstairs from me.

Could try threatening a little with exposing it to the upstairs girl. Who knows at what stage they're in, though. If early, she gets creeped out by both of you, if late, you're the crazy ex.

I recommend buying a very loud fan for your room....

[SlowPoke68]

Yep, sounds like an ENTP situation.

[affezwilling]

How do you know he's an ENTP? NTs typically don't get hung up on relationships like that. No matter his type, he sounds like a playa and you need to drop him like a bad habit. I think you should go upstairs when you know she's home & he's not and introduce yourself. Also avoid him at all costs for at least a few months and if he calls or stops by ignore him and don't answer. Whether intentional or not he's just going to keep using you for as long as you give him the chance.

[Shadow Logic]

Yep, exactly! It seems there's no way out of this situation! I absolutely love my flat and it's almost perfect, so to move would be awful, not to mention perhaps impossible since I've already renewed my lease and it's so hard to find a room here!

I just don't know whether I should speak to him about it or not though. The whole situation has thrown me.

And no, I'm 100% right, I looked at his facebook mails while he slept last night. (he brings his laptop everywhere) I'm not proud of that, it was wrong of me to invade his privacy. But it was only confirming what I already knew - I had to find out for sure as I was so convinced I my hunches were right and yet it seemed so preposterous that I had worked it out from a few conversations and noises in stairwell! At least I know I'm nto going crazy imagining things...

Speak to him about it, that's the best option you have and analyze everything he says looking past the charm and humor. Don't act irrational, which I presume you wouldn't, but checking his stuff without his knowing just leads me to believe there is a possibility that you could show irrational behavior. When you speak to him, be calm, direct, and put out all the points you have that's making you think he is seeing that girl.

Now why he is still texting you is obvious I think, I believe he still has feelings for you. Your responses, and letting him stay over some nights occasionally having those minor hookups let's him know that the feelings are mutual but he he doesn't want to badger you about being together I'm assuming. Also he has probably adapted to what the situation is between you two while having an underlying motive or strategy to get you back by keeping you interested (not being so distant but not constantly keeping contact).

The girl upstairs situation, if, or when it comes out to be true will be a difficult situation. I personally don't think they are or will be serious because three years with you is a long time, more than enough time to respect you and the relationship you two had. He either is trying to get you jealous because he's impatient and doesn't want to wait any longer so he decides to indirectly catch your attention sending basically a threat that says "you could possibly lose me if I still have to wait". He could've met her and eventually found out afterwards that she lives there, but I don't see why he would make it obvious enough for you to notice it if that was the case especially after your "passionate, violent make out" session. I'll go with the indirect attention grabbing threat through making ex jealous option if I had to choose between the potential motives.

All in all, that relationship with the girl from upstairs he may or may not have is temporary if it even exist. You should talk to him about it instead of sneaking around. The direct approach is more ENTP friendly anyways. Hopefully you get through this with the least amount of heart break.

[Shadow Logic]

How do you know he's an ENTP? NTs typically don't get hung up on relationships like that...

Unless they have been with the person for a while (3 years etc.) and does love them while having, an underdeveloped Fe, and an Si that comes out in depressing ways such as missing the good times they spent together. Probably comes out every so often hence the random contacts he starts with her. The three week break of not talking to him probably shows he was busy with something new (the girl from upstairs). The latest time he got into contact with her is probably the Si showing its face again sadly and reminding him or his Fe that he still misses her. He probably is just having trouble with the break up due to an underdeveloped Fe and the devil Si. That's my thoughts though, he could be another type too, so could the OP, but we would have to know them more than what we already know.

[lovabie]

You should talk to him about it instead of sneaking around. The direct approach is more ENTP friendly anyways.

First of all, thank you, your advice has been really helpful.

I know I WANT to talk to him, I just don't know what good it would do, because of our communication problems in the past. I don't think either of us really knows what's going on, and to be honest I'm not even sure what to ask him: what do I say? I know you're fucking the girl upstairs? Since we're no longer official there's technically nothing I can do about it if it's what he wants to do.

I spoke to my Dad (he's a counsellor) and he was adamant that I drop it and stay silent. He said I should just ignore him and let time fizzle everything out between him and I, while allowing him to make sense of the girl upstairs situation. He said that by talking to him, I put myself in a very vulnerable position because I'm letting down all my boundaries. My friends agree. I don't really understand what they mean but I realise my judgement might just be clouded by my emotions right now.

The problem is, he's continuing to contact me. We exchanged texts last night - just chatter, funny stuff, I've not let on that I'm upset - and he e-mailed me with funny images today - again just light-hearted, friendly stuff. I hate ignoring him because I so desperately want to speak to him but I understand that by continuing to respond to his texts/calls/visits I'm dragging this whole thing out.

So, the pressing question at the moment is: do I go talk to him, rationally, ask him what he really thinks about us, what's really going on with the girl upstairs, will I have to try and move flat? Or do I just leave him to it and block him completely out my life? (causing me excruciating inner torment but probably doing what's best)

[Word Dispenser]

He sounds unstable, and an unreasonable romantic choice. I don't think it matters what he thinks about you both-- You need to get rid of him, and wash him out like a stain. Write a letter to him, if you'd like:

''Dear A,

If you're romantically involved with B, keep them at your place and not anywhere near me. If you're not, awesome.

Have a nice life,

C''

The point is, he's causing you a lot of unnecessary pain, and he clearly has some maturing to do. You can't trust him.