I have been doing some deeper searches in self lately and one item that seems to manifest is the presence of shadow self and its ramification on ones decision path. In shadow I am highly needy and quite lonely with a desire to manipulate / strategize on getting desired means to fill the lonely void. Now this is just one shadow tendency - I have plenty others but this particular one has habitually haunted me for quite some time.
I have actively repressed this lonliness for quite some time and it usually manifests in relationships that were not right for me to begin with. It also manifests in acceptance by others to fill the lonely void. I have tried many things to clear this lonliness... everything from repression and denial to soul searching. Even out my brightest times this hole comes back soon after and I am stuck in a void of trying to get something or someone to accept me for who I am... trying to fill the void and using what I'll term Shadow tactics to gain acceptance. Manipulation, acceptance of being lonely, being weaker, not following through on commitments, these are just some of the shadow tendencies. Not all are bad either as there are gems within my shadows which have helped me.
What is funny is that I see these traits in people extremely fast which means I know them quite well... they are inherit in self. Even stranger is I seem to admire people highly when they carry my shadow traits. I get little twinkles in my eyes big time when I see it manifest in others and boy do I love it... it's like an addictive drug. They become my friends and pretty soon I have surrounded myself with my own shadow. But then they don't stay my friends for long because I surround myself with people who I do not trust. Then there I am back by myself again. It's a strange cyclical pattern.
Those who are ernest I usually consider weaker and unable to stand against my manipulations so I manipulate them until they are decomposed into a pile of junk parts I pick apart and lose interest in. I say this all with a bit of laughter because my own shadow is in itself quite sinister and twisted yet I do enjoy it immensely when it comes out to play. It usually leads to heartbreak and betrail. But even saying it is sinister is a push against it being real and an attempt to put it into the bag. Manipulations and strategization is great for certain functions... especially in my line of work. I am a very keen strategizer and it has helped me reach many goals ... alas I cannot say that it has helped me make friends though. Friends are usually out for one thing - knowing my strategy and once they get what they want they usually go rolling away with nothing left to conquer. Or in reverse, if they have something that I want and they are higher I manipulate them until they are decomposed and I get what they have. Constant wars and battles with no end except what is usually the end result - more lonliness.
At the core of all this and the base of this examination of the drive for better understanding of emotional self. I try to pride myself in being emotionally in-tune, however, I honestly do not have an inkling of how my emotional self drives my actions. Here's some things I found interesting...
- Anger opens up to our ability to set our boundaries. It helps us learn when to say, "Yes" and when to say, "No." It keeps us from getting trapped in unhealthy situations, and it helps us know who we really are. My boundaries suck and I tend to have a hard time getting angry... when I get angry I rage which puts up boundaries so high I usually box myself into saddness later.
- Sadness is a doorway to our connection with other people. It opens us up to love, revealing our vulnerability and desire for loving relationship. Sadness helps us connect with the spiritual realities we hold sacred. It helps us stay in tune with our bodies, and with nature. I wear saddness a lot. Because of it I attract some very not so great for me people in my life.
- Fear can help us detach from a situation, and look at it objectively. Fear can be a wonderful advisor, which creates new options for our future and counsels us about the present. It takes a while for me to get fearful as I will crash my head into a wall quite a bit. When it comes to making a decision on something though the fear rises in my in huge flows which causes me to be steadily cautious.
These are just some of the things I have been discovering. Maybe some other ENTP will find these useful. I know my manifestations of shadow are a bit of a journal but if you made it this far maybe it resonates with you.
- Joy can inspire us to live our dreams. Joy can give us courage and direction when we are lost, and bless us with the knowledge that our lives have real meaning. I am at my very best in this state and beyond a doubt I am a magnet to people, ideas, and connections. I am in love here with the world.
Have you done shadow exploration?