[the3rdpower]

I have been doing some deeper searches in self lately and one item that seems to manifest is the presence of shadow self and its ramification on ones decision path. In shadow I am highly needy and quite lonely with a desire to manipulate / strategize on getting desired means to fill the lonely void. Now this is just one shadow tendency - I have plenty others but this particular one has habitually haunted me for quite some time.

I have actively repressed this lonliness for quite some time and it usually manifests in relationships that were not right for me to begin with. It also manifests in acceptance by others to fill the lonely void. I have tried many things to clear this lonliness... everything from repression and denial to soul searching. Even out my brightest times this hole comes back soon after and I am stuck in a void of trying to get something or someone to accept me for who I am... trying to fill the void and using what I'll term Shadow tactics to gain acceptance. Manipulation, acceptance of being lonely, being weaker, not following through on commitments, these are just some of the shadow tendencies. Not all are bad either as there are gems within my shadows which have helped me.

What is funny is that I see these traits in people extremely fast which means I know them quite well... they are inherit in self. Even stranger is I seem to admire people highly when they carry my shadow traits. I get little twinkles in my eyes big time when I see it manifest in others and boy do I love it... it's like an addictive drug. They become my friends and pretty soon I have surrounded myself with my own shadow. But then they don't stay my friends for long because I surround myself with people who I do not trust. Then there I am back by myself again. It's a strange cyclical pattern.

Those who are ernest I usually consider weaker and unable to stand against my manipulations so I manipulate them until they are decomposed into a pile of junk parts I pick apart and lose interest in. I say this all with a bit of laughter because my own shadow is in itself quite sinister and twisted yet I do enjoy it immensely when it comes out to play. It usually leads to heartbreak and betrail. But even saying it is sinister is a push against it being real and an attempt to put it into the bag. Manipulations and strategization is great for certain functions... especially in my line of work. I am a very keen strategizer and it has helped me reach many goals ... alas I cannot say that it has helped me make friends though. Friends are usually out for one thing - knowing my strategy and once they get what they want they usually go rolling away with nothing left to conquer. Or in reverse, if they have something that I want and they are higher I manipulate them until they are decomposed and I get what they have. Constant wars and battles with no end except what is usually the end result - more lonliness.

At the core of all this and the base of this examination of the drive for better understanding of emotional self. I try to pride myself in being emotionally in-tune, however, I honestly do not have an inkling of how my emotional self drives my actions. Here's some things I found interesting...

• Anger opens up to our ability to set our boundaries. It helps us learn when to say, "Yes" and when to say, "No." It keeps us from getting trapped in unhealthy situations, and it helps us know who we really are. My boundaries suck and I tend to have a hard time getting angry... when I get angry I rage which puts up boundaries so high I usually box myself into saddness later.

• Sadness is a doorway to our connection with other people. It opens us up to love, revealing our vulnerability and desire for loving relationship. Sadness helps us connect with the spiritual realities we hold sacred. It helps us stay in tune with our bodies, and with nature. I wear saddness a lot. Because of it I attract some very not so great for me people in my life.

• Fear can help us detach from a situation, and look at it objectively. Fear can be a wonderful advisor, which creates new options for our future and counsels us about the present. It takes a while for me to get fearful as I will crash my head into a wall quite a bit. When it comes to making a decision on something though the fear rises in my in huge flows which causes me to be steadily cautious.

• Joy can inspire us to live our dreams. Joy can give us courage and direction when we are lost, and bless us with the knowledge that our lives have real meaning. I am at my very best in this state and beyond a doubt I am a magnet to people, ideas, and connections. I am in love here with the world.

These are just some of the things I have been discovering. Maybe some other ENTP will find these useful. I know my manifestations of shadow are a bit of a journal but if you made it this far maybe it resonates with you.

Have you done shadow exploration?

[ap3rson]

I have, but my Shadow tells me to keep my fucking mouth shut or it'll have my ass in the ways I couldn't imaging.

[LoveSerum]

I could relate to just about all of that. I could never make the connections between my emotions and my subsequent actions, but the way you said it made a lot of sense to me. Very helpful, thanks :)

[entpIdeas]

Syntax of the OP is a little hard to follow but I think I understand the basic points, mine is probably not much better. The OP describes me as my younger self, with remnants that hold true now. The difference is that now my shadow loneliness causes me to withdraw from others even further. I make new friends easily and keep them easily. I have taken this so far to the other extreme that I've adapted my own sense of values over time in my acceptance of others to be able to form relationships.I have no need to manipulate to gain acceptance. If I am not chosen for who I am, then I am not really chosen by that person at all. I am in fact far too "real" about myself socially, but in sipte of that I tend to make friends based on my acceptance of them. The line is drawn when there is a personal affront or betrayal to my sense of character or a betrayal of trust between us. I can quickly and easily let go of a relationship immediately after exposing a fatal value flaw and I typically don't reverse my decision. I try every tactic and excuse to defend that persons behavior, but there is a point where the realization sinks in and I am forced to push emotions aside and appeal to logic and reason. I therefore maintain many casual friendships and always have new friends but have a very limited number of people in my inner circle, those that remain are there because there is some stake in it for me. I'm warm and genuine initially, but eventually I will terminate relationships when there has been a perceived breach of trust, I'm sure to some this is the way my own icy indifference comes out..as a defense to injury (emotional betrayal) I turn "off" my affection and it can rarely be restored. On the other hand I can forgive or dismiss all kinds of other deviant activities in the people I meet. I am overly accepting of people if I understand their reasoning behind a behavior, and as long as it doesn't fundamentally ruffle the feathers of trust. Inevitably, a relationship serves no purpose and has no value to me without trust and becomes disposable.
In a nutshell,when I "connect" with another human my heart, mind and soul in both love and friendship are easy to reach with simple effort, not much of a challenge to keep and nurture if there is intergrity and respect, but impossible to fully retrieve after a "true" breach occurs.

[Maura]

I licked my not-so-tasty shadow a lot, too - however it's time fortunately passed, or at least that's what I like to think.

Remember Severus Snape from Harry Potter books? I was shadowing quite like that. Manipulative, self-control-obsessed, keeping the people on "safe distance" by any means, and stuck as unable to change the situation (probably because of overwhelming emotions I had no connection to I guess). I actually thought myself out of suicidal tendencies for the sake of getting my revenge. But at the rare moments when I felt I had nothing to lose, I turned into a mindless fighter against the world - I literary wasn't thinking (quite amazing feeling if you ask me), either smartly saving myself from dangerous circumstances or just making a vicious attacks at the people who somehow where there for it (and I was excellent in spotting vulnerable areas); and until my friend showed me it can be done otherwise at the age of eight, it was purely physical punching back.

Actually my obsession on self-control saved me - I started healing my psyche while progressing in my studies of psychology (at the age of 13). It still required a lot time alone (I lived alone as so called Europe-migration-orphan, so it was possible) and a "safe people place" (which role was fulfilled by a scout troop I joined at the time).

I don't wish it on anyone - that impossible to fulfill, overwhelming need to control was the worst thing ever. And I lived trough some interesting events.

Huh, I expect it makes a perfect sense - I'm ENTP, 3w2 <-> 7w5 <-> 8w7, choleric.
And I still have the test of cognitive functions scrambled (most of them about the same level, excluding somewhat lower Fe & Fi) - as some questions ask which one a person develops, some ask which one a person developed and some ask which one a person respects.

[the3rdpower]

Syntax of the OP is a little hard to follow but I think I understand the basic points, mine is probably not much better. The OP describes me as my younger self, with remnants that hold true now. The difference is that now my shadow loneliness causes me to withdraw from others even further. I make new friends easily and keep them easily. I have taken this so far to the other extreme that I've adapted my own sense of values over time in my acceptance of others to be able to form relationships.I have no need to manipulate to gain acceptance. If I am not chosen for who I am, then I am not really chosen by that person at all. I am in fact far too "real" about myself socially, but in sipte of that I tend to make friends based on my acceptance of them. The line is drawn when there is a personal affront or betrayal to my sense of character or a betrayal of trust between us. I can quickly and easily let go of a relationship immediately after exposing a fatal value flaw and I typically don't reverse my decision. I try every tactic and excuse to defend that persons behavior, but there is a point where the realization sinks in and I am forced to push emotions aside and appeal to logic and reason. I therefore maintain many casual friendships and always have new friends but have a very limited number of people in my inner circle, those that remain are there because there is some stake in it for me. I'm warm and genuine initially, but eventually I will terminate relationships when there has been a perceived breach of trust, I'm sure to some this is the way my own icy indifference comes out..as a defense to injury (emotional betrayal) I turn "off" my affection and it can rarely be restored. On the other hand I can forgive or dismiss all kinds of other deviant activities in the people I meet. I am overly accepting of people if I understand their reasoning behind a behavior, and as long as it doesn't fundamentally ruffle the feathers of trust. Inevitably, a relationship serves no purpose and has no value to me without trust and becomes disposable.
In a nutshell,when I "connect" with another human my heart, mind and soul in both love and friendship are easy to reach with simple effort, not much of a challenge to keep and nurture if there is intergrity and respect, but impossible to fully retrieve after a "true" breach occurs.

This is a very interesting perspective and highly informative. Do you have any idea what Enneagram type you are? I would like to organize some of the perspectives put forth with some analysis I am doing. I would also like to compare and contrast Enneagram types to deeper qualify paths around shadow analysis. If you would like to put forth your age as well that is great as age dictates experience as well. This is in no ways part to judge as it is more parts to qualify and understand shadow path analysis.

Your perspective and honesty is much appreciated.

[entpIdeas]

This is a very interesting perspective and highly informative. Do you have any idea what Enneagram type you are? I would like to organize some of the perspectives put forth with some analysis I am doing. I would also like to compare and contrast Enneagram types to deeper qualify paths around shadow analysis. If you would like to put forth your age as well that is great as age dictates experience as well. This is in no ways part to judge as it is more parts to qualify and understand shadow path analysis.

Your perspective and honesty is much appreciated.

This enneagram 5 result is from today, and I have seen this result before as well as having seen myself type as a 7. I don't always type the same way on enneagram, never looked into it much YET. but at middle age I have never typed as anything but an ENTP starting early in my 20's. Thank you for reading my opinion and sharing your comments. I was equally pleased with your insight.

5 sp/sx/so
Type 1 Perfectionism||||||||||||50%Type 2Helpfulness||||||||||38%Type 3Image Focus||||||||||||||58%Type 4Hypersensitivity||||||||||||||||70%Type 5Detachment||||||||||||||||||||90%Type 6Anxiety||10%Type 7Adventurousness||||||||||||||||||74%Type 8Aggressiveness||||||||||||||||62%Type 9Calmness||||||||||||||||70%

[ap3rson]

Syntax of the OP ...

Occupation? Computer Programmer, definitely a Computer Programmer

[PisceanReve]

@Maura, I find it interesting how you compared yourself to Snape because he's an INTJ and that is the ENTP's shadow.

Before I learned about shadow functions, I remember thinking during a shadow time that I was acting and thinking like an (unhealthy, but non-shadow) INTJ. I would distance myself from everyone and need to be alone a lot. Everything would be seen through cold analysis and cynicism.

and @the3rdpower I can understand why you would find befriending people who share your shadow traits so addicting because then it is as if they know your deepest, darkest self. I believe most people just want to be understood one way or another. Great post :)

[Maura]

@PisceanReve, interesting insight about people wanting others to know their deepest selves. I haven't thought about the tendency to find ones alike this way; I imagined it could be about understanding how (and maybe what) these associates think, not the other way around.
Also, if you think about it, you may find that Snape was at the shadow as well.