ENTPs and Dating

**TreeBob** · 09-14-2009 11:04 AM

So tell me what you guys look for in a man or woman. I don't want your idealized thoughts. Actually give me it all. The reason i'm asking is because my best friend is an ENTP and she wants to date someone really bad but when she goes on dates I find she is overly critical of the men. She is a beautiful, smart, and caring woman but she never goes on many dates with the same person much. She thinks there is something wrong with her that makes her unattractive to men.

ENTP aren't exactly flirt masters, they are better than INTP but not by much. I theorize she spends too much time analyzing a guy's bad points to actually loosen up. I know as a guy I need to see some sort of response when I am on a date. If by the second or third date I am not getting any indications then I am done. When talking to me about the guys, she always concentrates on their bad qualities. I rarely hear things regarding the good.

So what about you others? I want to hear your success or horror stories. Is this just her or other ENTP? Is this more a female or male thing. Personally I find many ENTP guys are players. This is of course a generalization.

**Verdant Hollow** · 09-14-2009 11:43 AM

Everything you said is true. ENTPs obsess about the bad points because they are always concerned about there being a better option. She has to let go of that future and just enjoy the now more. That can be very hard for an ENTP, and I don't have any concrete advice to help her conquer that issue.

ENTPs aren't always players, they just wear their intentions on their sleeve, so subtle flirting is a practiced art for the ENTP. This usually either works or blows up in their faces.

I have the same issue as your friend, always harping on little problems. A few years ago I was dating this girl who had orthopedic issues up the wazoo with her knees and everything. I couldn't stop thinking about that one stupid issue. I'm glad I got out of the relationship, but the same problem happens with women who have only minor flaws.

Once the ENTP grows close to the person all those minor flaws will disappear. Your friend just needs to get close first. I'll think about it for you though :)

**entpreter** · 09-14-2009 12:42 PM

Originally Posted by tdmg

Everything you said is true. ENTPs obsess about the bad points because they are always concerned about there being a better option. She has to let go of that future and just enjoy the now more. That can be very hard for an ENTP, and I don't have any concrete advice to help her conquer that issue.

ENTPs aren't always players, they just wear their intentions on their sleeve, so subtle flirting is a practiced art for the ENTP. This usually either works or blows up in their faces.

I have the same issue as your friend, always harping on little problems. A few years ago I was dating this girl who had orthopedic issues up the wazoo with her knees and everything. I couldn't stop thinking about that one stupid issue. I'm glad I got out of the relationship, but the same problem happens with women who have only minor flaws.

Once the ENTP grows close to the person all those minor flaws will disappear. Your friend just needs to get close first. I'll think about it for you though :)

I completely agree with the growing close to someone and their flaws seem less noticeable, and I think that applies to most people, but character "flaws" (not really flaws, but rather things that you know won't mesh well with your personality or red flags) that annoy me at first, tend to be the nail in the coffin down the road in a relationship.

I can tell if someone will mesh well with me romantically within a 10 minute conversation. A lot of my friends and family have criticized me for not giving men a chance. In the past few years I've opened myself up to dating more, trying not to think about the future as much, and it's been a lot of fun and I've met a lot of great guys that way.

Unfortunately, I'm almost always proved right about the initial "red flags." They usually are the reason I stop dating someone months or years later -- even if, during the middle of the relationship, their "flaw" isn't an issue, it comes back. I think it has more to do with knowing myself well enough to know how the guy will react to me and vice versa.

I would suggest that she lighten up, go on dates that she knows are futile, but have fun. The more you date in a carefree fashion, the more comfortable you will be with dating (does not mean sex). And then, when the right one comes along, hopefully she'll be more open to accept him.

***On the other hand, consider that an ENTP's "natural" romantic partners are INTJs and INFJs -- both being a very small percentage of the population AND, even more discouraging for a female ENTP, there are even less male INFJs--I haven't met a male one yet (I think) and I've only met a few male INTJs.***

feel free to ask anything else I haven't covered.

**Verdant Hollow** · 09-14-2009 01:03 PM

Yeah, I never know if it's self fulfilling prophesy though, that I've always been right about which flaws end up killing the relationship.

But yeah, ENTPs are pretty picky about personality types and relationships. We can be friends with most people, but in my experience, ENTPs need to date certain types. And as entpreter pointed out, they're all rare

TreeBob, it may simply be a matter of patience. Your friend might just have to wait it out until they find the right type.

**Loke** · 09-14-2009 01:22 PM

Well, first of all, I've never really understood the whole american dating game to be honest. I'm not sure if that's a culture thing or personality thing... maybe it's mostly culture.

But I think one issue ENTPs might have is that we apparently tend to like people who stand out, and on dates, I think people try to appear as normal as possible. Considering how men typically are pretty predictable around attractive women, I could really see how all dates turn out way too uninteresting for her.

The whole player reputation is sorta silly, becuse all EPs can be players, and ENTPs are probably the least successful of those. What differs is possibly that ENTPs do it with the least amount of tact. I guess I've earned a sorta bad reputation by flirting and making out with too many girls in the same general social group. My ESFP friend handles that part much more gracefully even though he's much more of a player than me. It might possibly be that he handles break ups better too, I guess when I stop caring, I really stop caring and it happens suddenly sometimes. Anyway, stuff like that might bring negative attention to ENTPs.

Only seeing negative stuff or becomming obsessed with certain flaws is something I don't relate to at all.

**Verdant Hollow** · 09-14-2009 01:43 PM

Originally Posted by Loke

Only seeing negative stuff or becomming obsessed with certain flaws is something I don't relate to at all.

Don't listen to Loke. He can't relate simply because Swedish women are prefect

When I'm casually dating someone I don't think about the flaws, because it's casual. It's when commitment strikes that those thoughts come out. When I was younger it was a problem for even casual relationships, but that's faded over the years. It hasn't faded at all for serious relationships though.

Appearing interesting can definitely be an issue. Some INFJs were saying on another thread that they thought of themselves as simply too boring. I don't know about other ENTPs, they might be attracted to eclectic lifestyles and interests, but having a flat personality is what's a killer for me.

**entpreter** · 09-14-2009 01:54 PM

Originally Posted by tdmg

Don't listen to Loke. He can't relate simply because Swedish women are prefect

When I'm casually dating someone I don't think about the flaws, because it's casual. It's when commitment strikes that those thoughts come out. When I was younger it was a problem for even casual relationships, but that's faded over the years. It hasn't faded at all for serious relationships though.

Appearing interesting can definitely be an issue. Some INFJs were saying on another thread that they thought of themselves as simply too boring. I don't know about other ENTPs, they might be attracted to eclectic lifestyles and interests, but having a flat personality is what's a killer for me.

I agree, I have become less picky with age (only with casual dating).

INFJs, at least my best friend a female, lives her life very commonly, but her sense of humor is fabulous, she's very intelligent, clever and loves unusual people. I don't think she is boring at all, but she can be a homebody. She understands me better than anyone, including family.

**PersonaNonGrata** · 09-14-2009 04:16 PM

in my experience seeking flaws is a real killer, although i still do it in any other area. i changed this by looking for positive, interesting features but actually i dont care about anything else than. for casual dating that is very important (although i only know american dating from tv, i, as a german "college" student never go through that kind of drill ;) ) . every person has a fascinating feature, and your friend should concentrate on that. i
playing the game is also scouting the game, so keeping your eyes and mind open for interesting things would be my way to go...how old is your friend anyway?