Advice on my ENTJ Mom

**Agent Blackout** · 03-29-2012 02:13 PM

Advice on my ENTJ Mom

Okay, so my mom is an ENTJ. She's about 50 yrs old.
She's got an underdeveloped Te/Ni side, and a more developed Se/Fi side.

(No, she's not an ESFP... She's a self-confirmed, imbalanced ENTJ ... she lived in a 3rd world country and couldn't develop her thinking side, blah blah -- beside the point...)

- Often times she's always thinking that people are out to get her, or at least plotting against.
It's not serious, as a few logical words from me can usually put her at ease, but it's frequent enough to make me wonder about it.

- She also gets so caught up in thinking about what someone just said (usually out-loud) that she doesn't necessarily pay full attention to the rest of what people are telling her, even when they are currently giving her the facts/answer. I understand, this can happen to any N, but after she's done sorting it out (many times to the wrong conclusion) I'll ask her right away what she heard me say during her thinking and she'll tell me almost verbatim what I said. She still gets it wrong...

- She can be very hasty in making decisions.

What drove me to seek advice: Those moments when the look on her face tells me she feels "incompetent for not being as smart as she could" ... A self-considered sin for most NTs, and I definitely know the same frustration when a lack of understanding pervades my being (or fails to engross it).

Anyway, the last point is what drove me to seek practical advice in helping her develop her Te/Ni.
Anything you all can offer would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks in advance.

**Enfpleasantly** · 03-29-2012 03:15 PM

Well, I'm not sure if this will help, but worth a read maybe? Te development - experience and tips from other ENFPs (and anyone else!)

**lightened** · 03-29-2012 03:31 PM

you sure this isn't trauma related?

**MsBossyPants** · 03-29-2012 03:53 PM

An ENTJ doesn't need to develop Te-Ni. It defines who you are, how you think. It's how your head works.

The "living in a third world country" thing is irrelevant. She may not have been able to acquire higher education, or (perhaps) as a woman not have been able exhibit leadership qualities or to reach a leadership type position in society, but that doesn't affect how her head is wired. She would still THINK like an ENTJ. She would still view her world through Te. You are what you are.

You can watch a 5 year old ENTJ kid (uneducated, not socially adept) and still see the ENTJness in him(her). Attempts can be made to repress the actions or behaviors of an ENTJ, (a strict parent not letting the child exhibit boldness for example) but I don't see how you can stop one from thinking like one.

To me, this doesn't seem like an ENTJ thing, but rather more of a psychological or psychiatric problem requiring counseling or medication.

**Monkey King** · 03-29-2012 04:02 PM

Those moments when the look on her face tells me she feels "incompetent for not being as smart as she could"

Well, the only way to fix incompetence is to be competent. She needs to start reading about world current events---everything she thinks is interesting or want to be knowledgeable in. If it's specific---- find a magazine journal or book that talks about it just to give her some ideas.

Edit:

I agree with MsBossyPants on relying on Se-Fi. There has to be some Te there that would still overshadow the Se-Fi in preference. I can understand Ni being underdeveloped because 3rd world countries have a harsher environment that requires one to live one day at a time.

**Enfpleasantly** · 03-29-2012 04:14 PM

@Agent Blackout she probably has suppressed many of her natural ways due to living in the third world country and being a woman. Maybe she would just be thrilled to learn about things she's always been curious about? I'm sure her Te Ni are in need of a tune up from being suppressed all these years. Maybe some simple exercises will help wake things up and boost her satisfaction with herself? As you know, my Mom lives more like an ISFP, but it is by choice and she also has a college degree, so she is satisfied with herself and her life.

If your Mom is fine with expressing her emotions and thoughts with you, perhaps you could ask her what would make her feel satisfied completely with her life?...it might be a much less ambitious goal than you would think...or it might be much bigger than you would think. She can start taking baby steps to get the ball rolling. If she knows how to use a computer, maybe introduce her to informative sites where she could learn about things she's always wondered about, or had interest in...if she doesn't know how to use a computer, maybe she would enjoy learning how?

It's not a brain injury or psychiatric problems. I understand...even as an ENFP I understand. I have a certain level of this in me right now. I am over being a nurse and I'm over being a stay at home Mom, time for me to do something I've always wanted to do...and luckily I have much support from family and friends. It's awesome of you to support her the way you are :)

**Enfpleasantly** · 03-29-2012 04:39 PM

Oh and as far as her thinking everyone is out to get her...that's her not trusting people...I don't know an ENTJ who easily trusts people. She just needs to learn how to control how far she goes with it.

**Agent Blackout** · 03-29-2012 04:53 PM

@lightened
@monkeyking
@MsBossyPants
@Enfpleasantly

Trauma is a possibility I've considered (among others) but according to her, she's never had anything that bad in her life.

She definitely behaves like an ENTJ, with dominant Te and she's always thinking about things/plans out loud. She has told me straightforwardly that her logic skills are "underdeveloped."

I asked her one day why she thought so, and she went on to explain that it was mainly because back where she was born, she couldn't get a good education and imperative daily needs trumped long-term goals. (So basically you all nailed it with the reasons. Kudos.)
I suppose the 3rd world stuff was relevant info for context. My bad, haha

==========

She tends to avoid developing logic skills b/c of fear of not getting it right or looking dumb if wrong.
I do the best I can to help her out with her plans without making her feel like she can't do hard logic on her own, but with Ti/Ne I don't exactly speak her exact language even if we are both NTs.

I can handle helping someone my age, but a reluctant 50 year old ENTJ is not exactly the easiest walnut to crack.
(Btw, she's very active and healthy. Ppl think she's my cousin or something)
Monkey King's angle sounded good...

Further thoughts, anyone?