[greenB]

My current love interest of the past two years is one of you guys and he's amazing. We have the best time together, doing nothing and everything. I like him more than anyone else in a really long time.

I am confused as to where we are and when I've asked him in the past he was kinda unclear verbalizing it.

However, he acts like my boyfriend - expects me to come over every weekend, go everywhere with him, join me when he'll think it'll be fun, do errand/favors for me, take care of me when I'm sick, tell me about his day or week and all of his friends refer to me as his gf... yet he never himself refers to me as that and is uncomfortable addressing our future directly. On one hand he speaks like we have one. On the other hand, he's not really marking his territory and escalating our relationship. To be fair, we have a huge obstacle yet to overcome to even have a future, but we have hardly discussed it. In any case, guys approach me regularly and I've been declining more often recently, but not always.

How does he even know I'm exclusive? Why should I be? We're together without actually being together. But I see other people, because I don't know what's going on. Not as often as I would normally, because he does want to see me the entire weekend, so that only leaves me weekdays haha... I don't tell him obviously and recently I've tapered off because we've gotten more emotionally connected. Yet, still no mention of what we are.

I'm really involved in his world, and his life and his friends, but he's only met a fraction of mine. For some reason he thinks my friends don't like him, but I don't know where that's coming from, they hardly know him. Anyway, I don't care about anyone else's approval but I wish I knew better about his expectations of me and what he thinks we are.

I've asked him before and he'd joke around that he doesn't like labels. I laughed but pressed on anyway to find out if we're at least exclusive at this moment in time, and he said yes. I felt like I was twisting his arm, so I don't really take his answer seriously. He also mentioned some nonsense how he prefers a Buddhist point of view on this particular issue as things should happen naturally and you can't force people, and when you force people they'll do what they want out of spite or to rebel anyway, or some other nonsense like that.

Anyway, that's as far as we've ever talked on the matter. I don't push it because I'd like to keep my options open, but I have this sneaking suspicion that if he finds out I've been with others he'd feel betrayed or something. This has happened over half a year ago, when he thought I was seeing someone else, and threw a hissy fit. The next morning he apologized. I said he has no right, and he said he knows, but can't help wanting me to himself. But at the same time he didn't demand anything. I know if it was me, I'd give him precise directions on what to do. He's very hands off yet he overreacts over perceived infidelity. Months later he told me how it almost destroyed him thinking about it. Coulda fooled me!

Anyway, six months later, we spend every weekend together, the entire weekend. But he still hasn't told me what we are and whether he expects exclusivity. Would he feel betrayed? I have no idea, he doesn't tell me these things... so am I right to assume that we're just enjoying each others company, or are we building something lasting? He seems to act like the former, but I can't help but think he's just calling dibs without emotionally reciprocating. I know he's not physically fooling around with anyone else in the last half a year because he has less free time than me, and he spends all of his free time with me. I also know that he likes me more than any girl he's ever known, he's told me this and I believe him. And I know how he is with other females. Yet, again, I only go by what he says, and he hasn't verbalized to me that we are in a relationship.

This entire time I've had one foot out the door because I don't like to waste my time, and I may very well leave any minute now. But I don't want to make a mistake. He's pretty great and I doubt our connection will be matched. He's almost everything I want in a guy. I know I come pretty close to his dream woman too. Just to brag a bit - I'm professionally accomplished, like him, and also easy on the eyes, like him. I'm usually pretty good at steamrolling over my men, but with him I tread lightly and delicately. I really do like him, but I'm confused about what's going on. Any insight will be greatly appreciated!

[MisterD]

Firstly, ngaw.

Secondly, I could argue that you are being played... Or, he isn't quite sure if he should set things concrete with you just in case someone better comes along.

In my opinion, I would lay it down. Do not take what I am going to type literally, but as guidelines:
- Say you do not appreciate it that you are being played & that you are sick of his indecisiveness as a man.
- You're going to start seeing other people, as you can't wait forever.
- We have a great connection. The fuck is wrong with you? Are you waiting for someone better to come along?
- You take me for granted
- We work well together
- You are not an "option" to him, nor anyone & I want a decision.

The double-edged sword here though, is it is a risk & the way you described it is it a BIG risk, so you will have to plan your execution in an effective way that will not damage the relationship.

PASSIONATE & WILD SEX AFTER!

by the way, nice to see you on the forums Angelina Jolie & I am honoured to help you with your relationship with Brad Pitt.

[greenB]

Haha, thank you for your help.

He's pretty young, in his late 20's. He hasn't fully grown into his career, I have. So I've been cutting him some slack because although he's very very smart he's a bit immature. At first I was OK with it because I still got to do what I wanted, but now he's monopolizing my life! He does take me for granted for sure, he expects me to be there all the time!

I think you are on to something regarding something better coming along. He's told me that he could never find anyone interesting enough to settle down with because he always thought he could do better. I agreed and said, that's because you can do better! I could relate to that, I'm the same way.

He's also told me that I'm the only girl that he actually wants to spend all his time with, whereas the ones in the past he could only handle in small doses. He said his exes all pressured him to settle down and marry and he thinks women are always looking for that with him because he's so successful. Anyway I let him muse on, but maybe I should've given him a reality check. He's not successful YET. I am. so STFU. Anyway. I digress. Basically, he did think something better would come along, and I DID. If he hasn't found anyone better than me in a quarter century, and women literally throw themselves at him, why does he think there's anything better than me??? :)

[Transcendence]

I don't think you should show up next weekend looking like a zombie bride screaming "I DO!" after him, but hear me out.

You don't strike me as someone who's looking to uncross their legs and give life to the world, and I think he would know that better than me. That's why I think you should press the issue for a definition.

Don't give him any chance to run away, "Uhm" is not an answer, ask/demand of him to define what you are, where you're heading and ask him to lay down the ground rules. What are the big No No's, what's working, what's not working.

Trust is needed in a relationship, and some sort of structure is too.

[TheBoss]

1. is one of you guys and he's amazing.

2. How does he even know I'm exclusive? Why should I be?

3. I don't push it because I'd like to keep my options open, but I have this sneaking suspicion that if he finds out I've been with others he'd feel betrayed or something.

1. Naturally ^^

2. Answering the why: because you want to. You think about it, even made a thread about it. You desire it (even though you do seem a tad unsure of how much you do want to limit your own options).

3. Most likely and is unfavorable to shutter an entj's trust.

Love your confidence, is sexy & emits a certain power. Imho, he is selfishly childish about relationships. The kind we all are or were in early 20ies. He wants you, he actually needs you but his mental ideas and social expectations are against it. He struggles on "should be" trying to suppress his inner "but I feel so good with her".
Make him believe you fit into his *big*plan and you will be an essential prerequisite not to make his plan work but that with you, it will work BIG. Make him dread you getting out of his big plan.
And set your limits. If you are truly certain you want exclusive, confront him. Prepare the 'battle' ofc but move and make yourself crystal clear. You like him better than the rest, you really like him, you do a great 'team' and you want this to become an official merge.
Sure if you see he keeps theorizing about Buddhism and freedom of whatevers, and pure bs about 'natural happenings' you get your answer. The guy uses the convenience you present, covering his needs but fleeting.
Address his rational and explain why such theories are actually charming but lack depth and intelligence, let alone efficacy.
Use your brain first, then debate rationally his beliefs, then sex the hell out of him and confront the issue directly.
"It is with me or without me - no pressure just business" or "it is exclusive or it is not, no pressure but make up your mind now".

Or, he isn't quite sure if he should set things concrete with you just in case someone better comes along.

PASSIONATE & WILD SEX AFTER!

by the way, nice to see you on the forums Angelina Jolie & I am honoured to help you with your relationship with Brad Pitt.

agreed

ABSOLUTELY (damnit I should have gotten me an ENTJ male)

hahahah! ^^

@greenB I only disagree about the guidelines. Keep it simple, he is on guard and when you start the 'girly relationship' talk, you will lose his attention on 'go'. Only "We work well together" sounds perfect. I'd do the direct approach and ofc the super sex.

1. So I've been cutting him some slack because although he's very very smart he's a bit immature.

2. He said his exes all pressured him to settle down and marry and he thinks women are always looking for that with him because he's so successful. Anyway I let him muse on, but maybe I should've given him a reality check. He's not successful YET.

1. Don't. LATE 20ies? Old enough and apparently left to his own devices for too long. The 'slack' you mention, you are actually cutting it to yourself, not him. Honestly? It takes effort to help a guy mature (not age) and you must be willing to do the chore for your own good.

2. Set your boundaries. Do not play him down with a comparison (never ever) but stress out in a clear way how much successful YOU are. In an indisputable way. Get him gently off his high horse in matters of you. He is allowed to think he is better than all the rest but NOT from you. People need to admire their partners. Make it so clear that will be like a proven law in his brain. Make him see how superb he is because he grabbed your attention.

It is in your hand whether you will help this guy be the best he wants to be, or let him drift hopelessly for the rest of his life, believing he did well but always carrying around that certain void inside him.

[wiarumas]

Giving first impression from the first post without reading any others:

He sounds comfortable. Why get married or have any type of comittment? Its currently the best case scenario in his mind - he gets what he wants and doesn't see any benefit on taking things to the next level. Its what he wants and its low maintenance.

I don't want to burst your bubble, but he very well might be stuck in a stage where he likes you enough to want to stay with you, but not enough to commit himself fully. He might wait until he finds someone better (the alternative is that he is waiting to be ready... but what kind of indefinite BS is that?).

In order to fix this, you need to do something that might jeopardize the relationship. Stop being so dedicated to him. The relationship sounds completely one sided. You want to marry him - he doesn't want to marry you. Something you want that he has is his leverage. This gives him power over you. You need to give him a reminder that you aren't his until he shows some commitment. Go on a break, see other people, or at least threaten him with the idea. Maybe it'll give him enough motivation to stop being so comfortable and make some moves... or you'll ultimately break up which is completely fine because it means he didn't really want to be with you to begin with.

[wiarumas]

Also... is this about marriage, cohabitation, or just the term boyfriend/girlfriend? If its just the 2 stupid words boyfriend/girlfriend, I'd imagine things will get very difficult in your relationship in the future when you start talking about living together, marriage, kids, etc.

And don't believe the romantic crap he says. Guys will lie like crazy to girls. Everything he says to you about being the perfect girl, things were different until you came along, etc are all crap. I've said those exact words to multiple girls and I know all my friends have too. Judge him by his actions, not his words.

[greenB]

This is possibly about marriage in the future but more about being a team, on the same page, working toward that goal for the time being.

I am a little annoyed at him about wanting his cake and eating it too. In the past id just disappear and each time (4 by now) he'd not rest until he sucked me back in.

I think I might do it again only not make it so easy this time. Id rather do that than initiate "the talk"

Hes an idiot thinking he'd know how to keep anyone else as accomplished sophisticated atractive and sexy as me. I once joked that hes the only person that doesn't seem to value me and he joked that's the point, if id value you you'd leave!

I'm pretty secure and amused by his shenanigans but I guess you give them a finger and they'll chomp off the hand.

Time to regulate :)

[n2freedom]

This is possibly about marriage in the future but more about being a team, on the same page, working toward that goal for the time being.

I am a little annoyed at him about wanting his cake and eating it too. In the past id just disappear and each time (4 by now) he'd not rest until he sucked me back in.

I think I might do it again only not make it so easy this time. Id rather do that than initiate "the talk"

Hes an idiot thinking he'd know how to keep anyone else as accomplished sophisticated atractive and sexy as me. I once joked that hes the only person that doesn't seem to value me and he joked that's the point, if id value you you'd leave!

I'm pretty secure and amused by his shenanigans but I guess you give them a finger and they'll chomp off the hand.

Time to regulate :)

I'm inclined to agree with @wiarumas assessment in that sounds like he is comfortable. Unfortunately, sometimes the proverbial shit or get off the pot talk is needed to push someone out of the zone of complacency. If a verbally agreed upon committed, exclusive, monogamous relationship is what you are ready for with him, then I recommend that you let him know. Especially after two years because in my opinion in no way is this discussion being held prematurely.

Sounds like you have gone about it pretty well so far. I like that you pulled back several times to give him psychological space. Some men will reconcile any fears they may be having concerning commitment and/or assess how they want you to fit into their life when their partner pulls back. However, it seems from what you have posted that he didn't reach any "ah ha" moments.

I understand your apprehension about having "the talk" as it can be a relationship killer. But, I think you need to honor your desires because your wants and needs are extremely important and should not be neglected. However, I believe it is best that it doesn't come across as an ultimatum. I found the following blurb in an online dating manual entitled "Dating Without Drama" and found it to be a great alternative to an ultimatum:

Calmly explain your needs and expectations.

Yup...that's it.

It may sound simple or even trivial, but stick with me here for a moment.

To show you why it works, I'm going to use an illustration from my own life.

Years ago, before I met my husband, I dated a very nice guy. He had a lot of qualities I was looking for, but one habit was a major problem for me.

He was a smoker.

Now this may seem like an inconsequential habit, but my father died from smoking and since then it has been a dating deal breaker for me.

I could have said, "Listen, I like you, but you have a choice: the cigarettes or me," but I knew that throwing down an ultimatum like this would have immediately put him on the defensive.

From what I hear, it's hard enough to kick the smoking habit when you're committed to doing it for yourself. So I can't imagine it would have worked out if he went cold turkey while wrestling with feelings of resentment that I had forced him to do so against his will.

Instead, I explained my own personal needs, just as they related to ME.

I said, "I think you're great and I really enjoy spending time with you. I do need to let you know that since my dad passed, I made a promise to myself that I won't get seriously involved with a smoker. It's just too hard for me. So please understand that I am not asking you to change for me. I'm just letting you know that this a decision I have made for myself and whatever you decide to do with that information is up to you."

Do you see the difference in the approach?

It allows you to stand up for your beliefs and let the other person know what expectations you have...

BUT it allows the other person the dignity of making their own choice based on the information you give them.

Hopefully, he'll be smart enough to realize how amazing you are and will gladly do anything it takes to rise up to meet your needs and expectations.

But even if he isn't able to, then you have peace of mind knowing that you never lowered yourself to the level of threatening or groveling. You simply made him aware of what you needed, and if he can't meet those needs then it's his problem and HIS loss!

So how would this work for the commitment situation?

Well (provided that you've got a fairly solid foundation from dating for some time) you could say something like this:

"I really love what we have and I enjoy every moment we spend together. I'm not sure what your thoughts or plans are for the future, but personally, I'm no longer interested in open-ended dating just for fun. At this point in my life, I am looking for someone I can share my life with - get married, have kids one day, etc.

I'd like to start a dialogue about this so I know where you stand. That way, I'll be clear on whether we're on the same page or I should consider dating other people who are open to the idea of settling down."

I guarantee that will be more productive than saying "There had better be a ring on my finger by Christmas or I'm OUTTA HERE!"

But by keeping the focus on yourself and your own needs, you give him the power to choose his next move.

Hope this helps. Either way....wishing you the best. :D

[dagnytaggart]

Why the need for formal titles? If you enjoy each other, just go with it. Unless you actually are looking to marry and breed. Then, yeah. Chop chop before your eggs expire.

Anyway, I don't see anything immature about his behavior - don't listen to posters who suggested trying to change him. You *cannot* change another person. He'll just resent it and dig in his heels. Or ditch you.