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The ENTJ Relationship and Advice Column. Post your questions here

[ENTJ] 
480K views 4K replies 480 participants last post by  MsBossyPants 
#1 · (Edited by Moderator)
Do you have a problem with your ENTJ significant other? Or maybe it's work related drama that needs solving. Perhaps you'd like some tips on how to spruce up your resume. Whatever question it may be, BIG or small, this is the thread for you!

Ask us anything you'd like and we shall deliver with the "best" solution!








Copying the Ask an INTJ a question thread.
 
#1,272 ·
I like it salty, not sweet. :)
 
#9 ·
Why the cupcake hate? I like (and make) cupcakes, a much more viable/ non-wasteful option than baking a whole pan of cake for me. Using pink foil and cake glitter whenever I can get away with it. It horrifies my INTJ friends, for some reason.

Macaroons are very cute, though. Some of my friends fb-posted the ones they made, but I've never tried.
 
#14 ·
Why the cupcake hate?
You know what it really is for me--- It's the fact that it's messy to eat. This is going to sound a little too anal but the best way to eat a cupcake without it getting too messy on your face is to eat the icing first (by licking it). But then that will ruin the intended taste of the cupcake. (I can't believe I'm explaining this.) When I bite into food, I'd like the flavor to be evenly distributed. It's like ordering a subway and the person put too much onion on one side. So one side will taste different from the other. I tend to fix the sandwhich so the flavor would be even throughout. >_>' yeh. I know.

Since I can't eat the cupcake without it getting around my mouth area, I refuse to eat it. I mean I could always bust out a fork and plate but that's not readily available most of the time.

Probably one of the reasons why I don't like eating oranges. Takes too much effort to eat especially with all that peeling.
 
#10 ·
When you are interested in someone, how do you typically express yourself?

Do you take the dominant role and approach the person?

If you are physically attracted to the person, are you very forward in your physical interest?

If you begin a relationship with a person that is very physical can the relationship mature into more of a connection or will it stay at only the physical level?
 
#3,971 · (Edited)
I pretty much let them know I'm into them, after that, I'll let them pursue me if they are interested. Mostly enjoy being pursued though if I'm really into them, and being able to let them lead so I can surrender properly. It's the only way I get get turned on. (and its not hard, but but the proactive role has to be removed from me) I always explain it to young guys like this: It's like driving a car, If we went on a date and I was the one driving, sure I know how to drive, but if I have to focus on the road and look everywhere and focus on our safety, (and not inside my own body) and manning and controlling the car, I won't be able to sit back, relax, loosen up and let my hair down and feel warmed and just be to do my girl thing. It's just the way the female biology and parts work. We have to feel safe, relaxed, and taken care of. Being driven by a guy is a time honored thing too. Don't underestimate being action-oriented, and don't overthink it either- just be yourself while proactive and taking the lead, it's not "chivalry" truely, it's about being more proactive so the lady can do her biological thing. If you handle the entire relationship like this, it will be much easier and flow better. This is a general thing for girls of all types, differences apply of course- I'm sticking to the biology part.
To answer your question about the getting physical early on- I pretty much know within 2 seconds if I'd be willing to date/sleep with someone, but once I "chose" someone a certain way (there really is not much of a choice), I'm taking that love to the grave- sex or no sex. I pretty much know what I'm attracted to , and what I want. It's just the matter if the other person feels the same way. When I want a person, I jsut want them, and love and accept them unconditionally.
 
#11 ·
1- When you are interested in someone, how do you typically express yourself?

The way i always behave but i'll try to hang out with the person ASAP in order to put things clear with her.

2- Do you take the dominant role and approach the person?

If you mean making things happen, yes.

3- If you are physically attracted to the person, are you very forward in your physical interest?


Yes but i'll try to always be in control, the trick is to-be-in-control.

4- If you begin a relationship with a person that is very physical can the relationship mature into more of a connection or will it stay at only the physical level?

Yes but it mainly depends on what you and the other person want and if getting physical is what keeps her feeling attracted to you then keep doing that ;)
 
#12 ·
When you are interested in someone, how do you typically express yourself?
I get closer and ask/ investigate things. I want to know more.

Do you take the dominant role and approach the person?
Most of the time, yes, or more covertly by allowing them to approach me.

If you are physically attracted to the person, are you very forward in your physical interest?
No idea. That depends, I suppose.

If you begin a relationship with a person that is very physical can the relationship mature into more of a connection or will it stay at only the physical level?
It never worked that way, but not to say it will never happen.
 
#13 ·
@Dizzle

When you are interested in someone, how do you typically express yourself?
This depends on where I am in my decision making. If I've isolated him and decided "Yeh HIM. I like him." I'm usually passive aggressive until the chances of him having feelings for me is high. I'm a teaser and it can come off as mean. But usually when it gets to this point of teasing--- I'm already someone that he's comfortable with joking around.

If I haven't decided whether or not to go for it, it will seem like the person does not exist. Usually, this is the phase where I'm trying to kill any type of attraction because of x,y,z reason. (Ex. "I'm too busy for this.")

Do you take the dominant role and approach the person?
Even though I typically want the guy to be dominant, it rarely happens for me. :( I would drop big hints, create a situation where it would be the perfect opportunity for him to make a move. If the guy is still not getting it, usually I just blurt it out.

If you are physically attracted to the person, are you very forward in your physical interest?
No.
If you begin a relationship with a person that is very physical can the relationship mature into more of a connection or will it stay at only the physical level?
It will stay in a physical level. Especially when boundaries have been drawn. I once had this and did not expect him to develop real feelings. I was completely oblivious to it because the expectations were drawn in the beginning and he had not mentioned anything about wanting something more. If he had brought it up, maybe it would've been different.
 
#15 · (Edited)
my coworker smells like fish.
I have a coworker that sits next to me and her station is seated near the door and I am there after her.
there has not been a day that she has not smelled like it and when people open the door, I get a new wiff. how should this situation be dealt with?
 
#18 ·
Dude, are you serious?

Are we talking about fish as in fish, she just ate some fish, or fish as in, body odor fish? =_=

I'd go with air freshner on max. If you bring it up it could be sexual harrassment in the work place. OR I'd try to ask the person in charge to switch my station because of a _____phobia and you need to be next to the door. >_> They'd have to accomodate your needs as an employee. Downside, you might be treated differently and you might need a medical note.

I'd go with air freshner. The second idea is just too much hastle over some stentch.
 
#17 ·
I dont like cupcakes because they are so sticky. I cant stand sticky hands. Macaroons arent bad. And yes I wear gloves when cleaning everything and have a endless supply of handwipes in my handbag, car and home.

@Feral sheep. Investigate it a bit further, determine if she is constantly eating fish or its body odor. Enter the door and say non chalantly "Hmm it smells like fish in here, anyone eating tuna." If it is indeed her. i would just put an air freshener around your section of give it a good spray. She might just get the hint
 
#25 ·
I actually didn't know who ADTR are until looked them up on youtube just now.

Yeah, they're alright.

Just curious though, why mention them to me? This is the second time someone has said that to me since I joined PerC.
 
#26 ·
lol, all the cupcake talk....this really seems to be an ENTJ thing, haha. My ex (ENTJ as well) used to call me "cupcake" as a pet name. o.o;; *le gag* always made me cringe...


OK now for my real question...

How do you have so much self-discipline?

(I'm asking this on the behalf of someone else - she asked me, and I can't really explain it. I think people have to be born that way.)
 
#523 ·
How do you have so much self-discipline?

(I'm asking this on the behalf of someone else - she asked me, and I can't really explain it. I think people have to be born that way.)
There's a catch here, in my opinion. I think ENTJs are not necessarily self-disciplined on ALL things. I admittedly do not have the discipline to clean up, and I have a tendency to oversleep. However, if cleaning up or waking up early would lead to the ACCOMPLISHMENT of a GOAL...then I will move the heavens to make my place immaculate, or set my alarm at 4am if need be.

Basically, I don't clean because I don't have people around my place due to some reason. Also, I oversleep because there are days that getting more sleep is more important to me than getting to somewhere on time, sort of a cost-benefit analysis of energy vs. punctuality.

So, it can be pretty complicated to explain, but also pretty simple. We only have the self-discipline IF we need it.

I think one of the most basic driving factors in an ENTJ is the fear of being double-crossed, and the fear of being in last place. It seems to govern their entire lives. It is the reason they are so efficient at things, why they don't waste any time. You don't go getting pit stops all the time in a race. You use what you got and make the most out of it.

Hope this helps!
 
#27 · (Edited)
Mojo Jojo:1371806 said:
lol, all the cupcake talk....this really seems to be an ENTJ thing, haha. My ex (ENTJ as well) used to call me "cupcake" as a pet name. o.o;; *le gag* always made me cringe...


OK now for my real question...

How do you have so much self-discipline?

(I'm asking this on the behalf of someone else - she asked me, and I can't really explain it. I think people have to be born that way.)
It is our drive. ENTJ's do not do anything without a reason. Early in life they learn that life is short and they need to make the most out of it. Why? Because that is the most logical thing to do.

The second thing the entj learns early is that you need to work hard if you want something. That means invest as much time as you can in your life goal.

So everything an entj does, it needs to have a purpose for his life goal.

Also, entj's put everything into algorithms. They want to perfect these algorithms and they do that by experience or learning theories e.a. knowledge.

So a life goal with processes to analyze and behaviour to perfect. You see we have a lot to do and we need to be disciplined to reach that goal. After all, why setting a goal if you do not strive for it?

cheers
 
#29 ·
It is our drive. ENTJ's do not do anything without a reason. Early in life they learn that life is short and they need to make the most out of it. Why? Because that is the most logical thing to do.

The second thing the entj learns early is that you need to work hard if you want something. That means invest as much time as you can in your life goal.

So every thing a entj does , it needs to have a purpose for his life goal.

Also, entj's put everything into algorithms. They want to perfect these algorithms and they do that by experience or learning theories e.a. knowledge.

So a life goal with processes to analyze and behaviour to perfect. You see we have a lot to do and we need to be disciplined to reach that goal. After all, why setting a goal if you do not strive for it?

cheers
Sounds exactly like me. I think my friend though, who's a certified ISTP, tries to look for shortcuts and thinks she can just "wing it". She also doesn't think that she's capable of achieving much anyway, even if she wanted to.

How do you avoid that? Or are you born with it, like you're born with drive?

Do you think your drive is genetic? Because neither of my parents were very ambitious, so I don't know if it's a recessive gene or what.
 
#32 ·
Am not seeking advice, just have some questions i'm curious about...
What does integrity mean to you?
That behavior is consistent with promises and speeches. That behavior is within the norms and values, which are debated and agreed on in the organisation or group of people.

My values and norms are:
Honesty, consistency, humbleness, respect.

You could say that: 'Threat another the same as you would like to be threated.' is my ultimate norm.

What gives you confidence in your own ideas?

Well, my own ideas are based on critical knowledge (hermeneutic and empirical analytical) and tried and perfected in real life. In everything I do I search to perfect my algorithm. It's my life.
You say we may have confidence in our own ideas. Hell yeah, I need to believe my build algorithm is the best to rely on or I do not have anything to rely on in my life. In short, ENTJ's need to have confidence in our own ideas because it is our life we speak off.

How do you keep going when plans fail and your motivation is very low?

This is a nice one :D We all have a low motivation and failing plans. We do not care, we even like this. Why? We have new things to analyze and to perfect. It is the way we role. And let me ask you this: what is the purpose of giving up and whining in a corner because motivation is low and plans fail? E.a. what do you achieve with that?

How do you seek to develop as a person?

In interacting with my environment. Adapting and perfecting an algorithm for every situation. Down to earth, I learn a lot from this forum and how people react under stress.

Maybe you want to help: Love is one big mystery for me that I want to unravel in context of my own. The question I was asked yesterday by a very nice girl in context to interact with another girl: Why are you not reacting to her eye contact? Well, the very answer I have now is: I do not feel anything for her, it will only be meaningless interaction of any kind, as I do not care for her (e.a. I do not feel anything for her). This is stupid, because when I feel love, I do not control anything anymore. Hell I would give my life for my girl when I feel that. It is the ultimate feeling of 'empowerment' (e.a. you could handle the world!). Blah, as ENTJ I find it hard to discuss this... maybe just ignore this brainfart of an last paragraph =)

cheers
 
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#30 ·
@susurration;1371959Am not seeking advice, just have some questions i'm curious about...

What does integrity mean to you?


Not quitting; sticking to my goals and beliefs. It also means not selling out or compromising.

What gives you confidence in your own ideas?

I'm confident because the ideas are very well researched and thought out. They are based on objectivity, and the goal. not an emotional whim.
How do you keep going when plans fail and your motivation is very low?


You learn to make a new plans very quickly and look for the good in the situation. This is something which just takes practice,and in some ways use mind over matter ( cognitive behavioral approach)
How do you seek to develop as a person?[/QUOTE]


By hanging out with a diversity of people and learning constantly. The last thing I want to do is stay static.
 
#33 ·
@Mojo Jojo

How do you have so much self-discipline?
I don't think this is necessarily born in them, I don't think. I've always thought this was because of my upbringing. But now that I think about it---- nope. Mom was basically in nursing school when I was 2-6ish years old. (Yeh, I still remember some memories) A lot of my art skills were self-taught. I observed my aunt working on her models for architecture school and I was super excited about how she mapped out an entire layout in 3D.

I think the self-discipline comes first from curiousity, finding an example of "perfect," then getting to that vision of perfection. But then when something more "perfect" is found; well let's just say the bar just got higher. If the bar is higher then I find out how to reach that bar---either through more schooling or meeting the right kind of people to propell me to that bar. An urge to want to learn more about the subject keeps me going.

Anyway, I dropped architecture a year ago and decided on urban planning. I figured architecture is designing buildings but urban planning is designing cities! I decided on which field would have the greatest impact on society--- and I think in my niche of expertise, it's in urban planning.

Sounds exactly like me. I think my friend though, who's a certified ISTP, tries to look for shortcuts and thinks she can just "wing it". She also doesn't think that she's capable of achieving much anyway, even if she wanted to.

How do you avoid that? Or are you born with it, like you're born with drive?

Do you think your drive is genetic? Because neither of my parents were very ambitious, so I don't know if it's a recessive gene or what.
The only time I wing something is when I'm right in the moment. I don't understand how one can choose to wing something when so much time is given to plan. I like to create my path, not let the path create me.

When people think that they can't do much, there's really nothing anyone can do to help them get out of that thinking. It sounds like the whole Self-fulfilling prophecy - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. Here's an example: I think a lot of the people who live in concentrated poverty is plagued by this thought and even though there are a lot of structural forces that impede self-sufficiency, I think there's a lot of ways to beat the system. Besides, the system has some rules, know the rules, and then play the game. Anyway, that's usually what comes to mind when I encounter people who talks as though they can't change their situation.

How do I avoid that?

It happens sometimes, but it's short-lived. I think about how far I've gone and to quit now is stupid. I think about how all the effor and resources were wasted. Like planning a construction project that took years and suddenly near execution date, I let everything fall a part.

For me the best way to avoid it is to blame failure on me. It's easy to blame the world and become content with one's position in life. It's hard to blame one's self and NOT change one's position in life. BAH! I realize this philosphy is hard to grasp for others.

I don't know if MBTI is genetic but my mom is an ESTJ and my dad is an ISTP. My mom simply taught me all the rules of this world and how she took control of her life through hard work lol. Dad left all disciplinary actions to my mom and was hardly involved in the weening unless it got out of control.

I think hard work is necessary but not the main ingredient in "success." Sometimes there are short-cuts but those short-cuts but it must be analyzed before taking it. Nothing worst than taking a short-cut only to make a U-turn because it was a dead end. ;P
 
#34 ·
OK, mostly I lurk here but I’ll play your game.
I’ve been involved with this *#%& ENTJ for the past three and a half years. It’s never been an exclusive or committed relationship - we’re both older with grown children so there’s no looming desire to settle down or plan a future together. What it has been, though, is a consistent and durable relationship. I’ve seen him blow through dating any number of women and eventually they’re gone and I’m still around.
The truth is probably that I, as a cold-blooded INTP, am the only one willing to put up with the bastard for any length of time. And then there’s the fact that, as a socially oblivious INTP, the chance I’d ever leave my house and find someone else to hang with is slim to none, so I might as well enjoy this while I can.
However, the last five months or so have been wearing me slowly down. And it’s taken me a while to figure out exactly what I’ve been finding so irritable. It feels like he is so damn afraid of saying anything that might be remotely construed as affectionate, he’s going out of his way to be twice the ass he normally would be. Something is not “matching up” in his behavior and trying to figure out which way he’s going to jump next is simply exhausting. And in the end, I realize that I’m just not enjoying the time I spend with him.
So I texted him on Sunday and said I’m not happy with the way things are going and we should talk.
He responded (within a minute) that we should just take a break.
Okay. A break. Based on his past behavior, I have a hard believing he’ll want to stick to that but I guess anything is possible. And it has the advantage that I won’t find myself obligated to spend time in a situation I find increasingly unappealing. But it’s not really a solution, it’s a stop-gap.
Anyway, I am planning to stick to it. After three and half years, I think he needs to figure out what he wants and fish or cut bait.
Thoughts about what’s going on?
 
#36 ·
Sounds like neither of you are getting what you want from the relationship. Standing up to him is a good thing. At least you are addressing your needs. Let him try to solve things on his end his way, and if he can't, or you continue to feel put off, break up with him. No offence, but, fuck three years, or four years, or ten. It doesn't matter. Going down with a sinking ship is fucking stupid. You're better off breaking it off now so you're available in case someone else comes along.
 
#35 ·
So, I'm at work the other day and my supervisor keeps coming by asking me how I'm doing. "I'm fine," I reply. I keep working. She's got this look on her face which tells me that she wasn't satisfied with my answer. "Sigh, guess I have to be a therapist for a bit," I think to myself. So, I turn it around and ask her if everything is okay. She tells me that I just look mad. I tell her that I'm not mad, I'm just serious about my work. But, then I ask if she thinks I am mad all the time and she tells me, yes. I realize that might be a problem.

She walks away after I assure her with a smile that I really am cool, I'm not mad about anything, which is true, I'm not. Now I'm thinking, "is this a problem? I don't really smile that much, I must admit. Maybe I need to start smiling a bit so people aren't put off. After all, why not smile if I'm not upset? It would probably help make things go smoothly around all the feelers I work with."

But, then the voice of reason switches gears on me like, "well, wait a second here. I know my store boss is an intellectual, and he doesn't give a shit. He seems to really like me. After all, we see eye-to-eye on just about everything, and he pretty much lets me run things my own way without any supervision. Maybe it doesn't matter if I smile."

Another switch, "but, on the other hand, if it helps everything to run smoothly and I really don't care either way, I guess there's no point in looking like I have a bad attitude. Everything I've read about body language and psychology does say that people in general react better to a smile than a frown. Fuck, I'm not trying to look anti-social."

I decide to work on this and start to think about how awesome I am, all the things that I've accomplished and experienced, how attractive I think that makes me, and how silly anyone would be to reject me as a potential ally, considering all my advantages and strengths. This makes me feel like a badass, and soon enough I'm smiling. The rest of the day goes by more efficiently than any day in a long while. More of my coworkers start talking to me who never approached me before. Seriously, it's almost amazing how persuasive a smile can be. I mean, holy shit. Really? That's all it took?

I think I'm on the right track about this issue, I'm just looking for some peer review. I mainly post this in case others have been in this same situation and needed assurance that they're not alone.
 
#3,677 ·
This is a good attitude. Yep, that's all it takes. I do find many INTJs look mad or have some weird stare like something is wrong.

Just ask yourself when you think a negative thought: is this true, have a got proof to back up my negative thoughts as sometimes people make false assumptions about themselves. Weigh the bad and the good up. Which I guess you did, and well, you recognised you're awesome. Now turn them in to self-affirmations and say it to yourself often, suck in the confidence.

I decide to work on this and start to think about how awesome I am, all the things that I've accomplished and experienced, how attractive I think that makes me, and how silly anyone would be to reject me as a potential ally, considering all my advantages and strengths. This makes me feel like a badass, and soon enough I'm smiling. The rest of the day goes by more efficiently than any day in a long while. More of my coworkers start talking to me who never approached me before. Seriously, it's almost amazing how persuasive a smile can be. I mean, holy shit. Really? That's all it took?

I think I'm on the right track about this issue, I'm just looking for some peer review. I mainly post this in case others have been in this same situation and needed assurance that they're not alone.
 
#37 ·
@Junikname


I don't know exactly what's going on but when I retreat like that, it usually means:

1. I'm trying to figure out my emotions.
2. Reflecting on my life and what needs to be done to move forward.
3. All the above.

3 years is nothing when we're talking about number of years you're going to live: http://www.census.gov/compendia/statab/2011/tables/11s0105.pdf What's more important is if you want to give more years away to this relationship.

If it doesn't work out take from the 3 years whatever lesson that you may use later. Whether it be how not to be or what you are and/or what needs changing.

Going down with a sinking ship is fucking stupid.
I'd like to comment on the above and quote One Republic's Marching On song: " I'd sink us to swim."


I was with someone for 7 years (high-school sweethearts). Swimming never felt sooooo goooood. ;P
 
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