Time to bare my soul so as to make use of the very bright brains on this site
I am an 8 wing 7 who has achieved independence and self reliance. To an uber degree. I have not seen my parents or 5 siblings for over 15 years. I found out about my unhealthy 4 wing 5 mothers death years after it occurred. The last contact I had with the brother I was closest to was to gain vengeance for blatant betrayals by he and his wife. I no longer care to have intimate relationships with people. I stay in contact with two friend by phone but other than that.....
I am a ghost
As an 8, I can take phenomenal amounts of pain, which is probably why I am in this situation. I have seen nobody in my life on TV or in real life that can tolerate pain like I can. I say this without ego and many times I was forced into high pain tolerance situations unwillingly, as I was an underwater piece worker for many years, who only got payed when I produced. Whether I had a urchin spine as thick as a pencil lead driven inside my knuckle joint, blowing my hand up grotesquely, a broken hand (used as a scraping tool, bending back on itself thousands of times in a day, as with the spined knuckle as well), a broken shoulder (drunken Judo), broken rib, nose and kneecap (multiple opponents drunken street fight) as well as other injuries, I had to work..... or starve. Nobody was looking out for me, only me
The end result of this high pain tolerance is that I can live with being a stressed 8, which means (if I understand it correctly) I spend much time in 5 mode observing and thinking and I like it and feel rewarded for living in a 5 state. But I hurt real bad deep inside me at times and I can't seem to find the courage to do what I see as irrational, to make meaningful connections with people, as they invariably break my heart to one degree or another
I have wandered from town to town and country to country for more than a decade, driven by my 7's need for adventure, whilst pursuing wild money making schemes and other wild ideas. For many years I have had a dull ache inside me that sometimes became overwhelming, but I never understood it and simply accepted it. When I am forced to be amongst others, I am invariably very popular, sometimes to a bizarre degree, as I can be a very funny guy and the ache would leave me. But invariably I must exit (knowing the ache will return), as people disappoint and I begin to wander again, often leaving behind perplexed peoples
I'm fucked, but most times thankful to be living the life I live, living in a van, alone in the world, but happy most of the time
My point is that I am stuck in a rut that I should get out of, but I distrust Western peoples as I see them as fundamentally flawed, as they are civilized and I no longer see it to be rational to create attachments with them.
What keeps me going is the thought that soon I will be back amongst the little brown people in the third world, who I reckon I can find shelter with, but I have lived so long as I am that I doubt this will happen.....mearly a carrot I use to keep rolling
Just thought I would toss it out there, as being exposed to this Enneagram information has given me insight into my life
I feel a need to testify to tuned in cyber strangers, as I can never do it in meatworld, hoping maybe it will help me find salvation in the eye of the storm*
* Black Crowes