[ape]

Time to bare my soul so as to make use of the very bright brains on this site

I am an 8 wing 7 who has achieved independence and self reliance. To an uber degree. I have not seen my parents or 5 siblings for over 15 years. I found out about my unhealthy 4 wing 5 mothers death years after it occurred. The last contact I had with the brother I was closest to was to gain vengeance for blatant betrayals by he and his wife. I no longer care to have intimate relationships with people. I stay in contact with two friend by phone but other than that.....

I am a ghost

As an 8, I can take phenomenal amounts of pain, which is probably why I am in this situation. I have seen nobody in my life on TV or in real life that can tolerate pain like I can. I say this without ego and many times I was forced into high pain tolerance situations unwillingly, as I was an underwater piece worker for many years, who only got payed when I produced. Whether I had a urchin spine as thick as a pencil lead driven inside my knuckle joint, blowing my hand up grotesquely, a broken hand (used as a scraping tool, bending back on itself thousands of times in a day, as with the spined knuckle as well), a broken shoulder (drunken Judo), broken rib, nose and kneecap (multiple opponents drunken street fight) as well as other injuries, I had to work..... or starve. Nobody was looking out for me, only me

The end result of this high pain tolerance is that I can live with being a stressed 8, which means (if I understand it correctly) I spend much time in 5 mode observing and thinking and I like it and feel rewarded for living in a 5 state. But I hurt real bad deep inside me at times and I can't seem to find the courage to do what I see as irrational, to make meaningful connections with people, as they invariably break my heart to one degree or another

I have wandered from town to town and country to country for more than a decade, driven by my 7's need for adventure, whilst pursuing wild money making schemes and other wild ideas. For many years I have had a dull ache inside me that sometimes became overwhelming, but I never understood it and simply accepted it. When I am forced to be amongst others, I am invariably very popular, sometimes to a bizarre degree, as I can be a very funny guy and the ache would leave me. But invariably I must exit (knowing the ache will return), as people disappoint and I begin to wander again, often leaving behind perplexed peoples

I'm fucked, but most times thankful to be living the life I live, living in a van, alone in the world, but happy most of the time

My point is that I am stuck in a rut that I should get out of, but I distrust Western peoples as I see them as fundamentally flawed, as they are civilized and I no longer see it to be rational to create attachments with them.

What keeps me going is the thought that soon I will be back amongst the little brown people in the third world, who I reckon I can find shelter with, but I have lived so long as I am that I doubt this will happen.....mearly a carrot I use to keep rolling

Just thought I would toss it out there, as being exposed to this Enneagram information has given me insight into my life

I feel a need to testify to tuned in cyber strangers, as I can never do it in meatworld, hoping maybe it will help me find salvation in the eye of the storm*



* Black Crowes

[Mizmar]

The end result of this high pain tolerance is that I can live with being a stressed 8, which means (if I understand it correctly) I spend much time in 5 mode observing and thinking and I like it and feel rewarded for living in a 5 state.

I stumbled upon the following statement on a message board one time and it struck me so I copied it down:

At the Enneagram Convention in SF this year, the 8s on the panel talked about how nice it was to be able to retreat to 5 to regroup...

I've noticed 8s seem to be at their most watchful and distrusting when stressed out at point 5.

[ape]

I stumbled upon the following statement on a message board one time and it struck me so I copied it down: I've noticed 8s seem to be at their most watchful and distrusting when stressed out at point 5.

At the Enneagram Convention in SF this year, the 8s on the panel talked about how nice it was to be able to retreat to 5 to regroup...

I'm hoping the retreating to regroup thing ends soon.

I should be very much grouped by now.

Thanks for the input, apparantly my behaviour is not that odd

[Halla74]

Ape, what about dating? What about finding someone to have a nice relationship with? Surely you have considered that much of the needless frivolty/treachery we all experience from the masses in the real world are easily forgotten if you can spend time with a special someone all your own? Seriously brother. That's one of the best things about having a S.O. The world matters much less at that point. What do you think?

-Halla

[ape]

Ape, what about dating? What about finding someone to have a nice relationship with? Surely you have considered that much of the needless frivolty/treachery we all experience from the masses in the real world are easily forgotten if you can spend time with a special someone all your own? Seriously brother. That's one of the best things about having a S.O. The world matters much less at that point. What do you think?

-Halla

Not a big fan of Western chicks for dating or relationships (except those INFP types, I have recently discovered)

Dating leads to love, love leads to entrapment and probably kids. To escape that entrapment I would have to do damage to someone I care for. Not good

That being said, I gots to do something soon, this shit has gone on too long. I could be heading to Norway in the next week to go fishing. Maybe I will try a Norwegian gal as I can always have the excuse of leaving the country to attend to matters back home or maybe even cause trouble and have myself deported from the country, which would fit previous patterns of behavior in avoiding entrapment.

Then again, I am leading a life that is Buddhist in theme. Maybe I will stay the course.

Good to have an Enneagram based understanding of the situation

My life pattern is consistant with Type and is not for the most part a reaction to my childhood

That is a relief

[Deagalman]

I saw this Taxicab Confessions where a guy got in the cab who talked about living among the Aboriginese or some peoples like that who hunted with them. He described hunting bears with his bear hands that srot of thing. He reminds me of you . What an awesome life.

[ape]

I saw this Taxicab Confessions where a guy got in the cab who talked about living among the Aboriginese or some peoples like that who hunted with them. He described hunting bears with his bear hands that srot of thing. He reminds me of you . What an awesome life.

Nobody in the history of mankind has successfully hunted a bear with his bare hands

I can guarantee you that

ps

I am writing this inside my van, parked outside the library

Awesome lives often have very unawesome moments

pss

Ain't the horny mood sign hilarious?

One happy head just going to town on the other one

Cracks me up everytime I look at it

[ape]

I'm starting to understand this Enneagram more and more and I may have further insight and appreciate any input into my Princess Meme thread.

When I was a kid, up until about age ten, I was a little battling savage, I used to beat up my older ESTJ brother regularly, three years my senior, until firm intervention from my parents caused me to shift gears, let go the rage and I began to present to the world my strong 7 wing, with 8 much subdued. This lasted up until age 16 when my 8 came back with a vengeance, after I was bullied.

Could my comfort at 5, at seemingly unstressed times, be related to the 7's heading toward 5 when healthy and relaxed?

[Deagalman]

Who knows with the 7 at 5 and blalbalblalbalbal until you want to puke at the numerous who am I identity crisis only to find its what it is. But yeah, it was an exxaggeration. he was describing this incredibly intense moment and he was calm as can be. It was fascinating.