For those of you on the ENFP facebook group, you may be aware that I have been dealing with some pretty crappy feelings lately, including a few days where I was suicidal.
I have only told a handful of friends and my oldest sister, no one else.
I'm scared the responsible thing to do at this point is to tell my parents and get medical advice, but I'm scared they will have me committed to the psyche ward for a while.
This doesn't make me happy, because I'm currently in the process of going through a job agency, and I don't want to delay things another 3-6 months, even if I'm unwell.
Money has been so tight, we're going into winter and I can't afford to buy new clothes. I desperately need a few sweat shirts, warm pants, replacement leggings, new underwear, socks etc, but my parents haven't been able to help out much either. I would like to be able to afford the things I need, and be able to buy some things I want. My current benefit only leaves me with about $20-$50 a week after I've paid my bills and as you can imagine, it doesn't go very far (NZ currency).
If money wasn't so tight at the moment, I would feel a bit better about getting medical help. When your clothes are all wearing thin and you have holes in all your pants, a job seems like the next logical step.
I've also had trouble getting out of bed lately (going to bed at 9:30pm, getting up a few times, and struggling to get out properly until about 4pm, feeling damn tired all the time!) and for a few days, I've felt no desire for food, its often been the furthest thing from my mind, which was something that happened when I was manic for several months, except I didn't need much sleep either (as in, two hours a night/day was enough to get by on!). It doesn't make sense for my hunger to suddenly disappear, because I'm a big girl that usually has a raging appetite, and when I last went a long time without wanting to eat, I was manic and happy, not feeling depressed.
Oh, and that's another thing- I have no reason to be depressed right now, I just am.
I found this: http://www.bipolar.com.au/understanding/signs.cfm
(Bolded are the symptoms I'm currently experiencing).
This all sounds too familiar to me right now, as well- http://bipolar.about.com/cs/depressi...ht-depress.htmAs Bipolar Disorder is a biological condition, often with a strong genetic component, long-term preventative treatment is useful.
Side effects are varied from individual to individual but can usually be managed. It is VITAL to talk with a health professional before adjusting the dose or stopping any medication.
If you think you might be having a manic or depressive episode, it is important to try and not make any major life decisions as your judgment may be affected. Speak with your health care professional and ensure that you have controlled your episode before thinking about any major life changes – such as resigning from a job or making expensive purchases.
Some early warning signs of a depressed episode may be:
* depressed mood
* difficulty coping
* sleep disturbance (having trouble getting to sleep and waking up early)
* losing or gaining a lot of weight
* poor appetite
* lack of energy
* feeling tired all the time
* worrying excessively and feeling overwhelmed
* drinking more or misusing drugs
* physical health may get worse
* suicidal thoughts
* poor concentration and memory
One of the problems is, when I am depressed, feel like sleeping all the time, am too stressed out and tired to do as much housework that is expected of me etc, my family gets frustrated with me and keeps pushing at me to contribute more, and honestly, right now, I don't have much to give, I just want to curl up into a ball and recharge. The only time I seem to have an ok amount of energy is a few hours in the evening, and a few hours early in the morning.
What should be my next step now? Do I need to put my life on hold until my mood stabilises? I've gone through periods over the last four years (not so much in the last 12 months) where I've cried for hours everyday over certain things and felt depressed, anxious and lonely, but I was never suicidal.
BTW, this morning I woke up at 4am to use the bathroom, and I haven't been back to bed. I'm scared that if I go back to sleep, I won't be able to get up, and I need to hang out my laundry or it won't dry, and I have to get a certain amount of jobs done. Early in the morning or late at night is the only time of day I have to myself when I won't have my mum nagging at me to do things every 30 minutes, or my sister interrupting me. I get a lot of criticism over my sleeping habits, but I'm thinking even if I didn't have Bipolar, they would be kind of like this anyway. (I fluctuate between sleeping normally, not being able to sleep, sleeping for short periods, sleeping for long periods, only sleeping a few hours at night then napping for several hours during the day).