[Risen from Ashes]

For those of you on the ENFP facebook group, you may be aware that I have been dealing with some pretty crappy feelings lately, including a few days where I was suicidal.

I have only told a handful of friends and my oldest sister, no one else.

I'm scared the responsible thing to do at this point is to tell my parents and get medical advice, but I'm scared they will have me committed to the psyche ward for a while.



This doesn't make me happy, because I'm currently in the process of going through a job agency, and I don't want to delay things another 3-6 months, even if I'm unwell.

Money has been so tight, we're going into winter and I can't afford to buy new clothes. I desperately need a few sweat shirts, warm pants, replacement leggings, new underwear, socks etc, but my parents haven't been able to help out much either. I would like to be able to afford the things I need, and be able to buy some things I want. My current benefit only leaves me with about $20-$50 a week after I've paid my bills and as you can imagine, it doesn't go very far (NZ currency).

If money wasn't so tight at the moment, I would feel a bit better about getting medical help. When your clothes are all wearing thin and you have holes in all your pants, a job seems like the next logical step.

I've also had trouble getting out of bed lately (going to bed at 9:30pm, getting up a few times, and struggling to get out properly until about 4pm, feeling damn tired all the time!) and for a few days, I've felt no desire for food, its often been the furthest thing from my mind, which was something that happened when I was manic for several months, except I didn't need much sleep either (as in, two hours a night/day was enough to get by on!). It doesn't make sense for my hunger to suddenly disappear, because I'm a big girl that usually has a raging appetite, and when I last went a long time without wanting to eat, I was manic and happy, not feeling depressed.

Oh, and that's another thing- I have no reason to be depressed right now, I just am.

I found this: http://www.bipolar.com.au/understanding/signs.cfm
(Bolded are the symptoms I'm currently experiencing).

As Bipolar Disorder is a biological condition, often with a strong genetic component, long-term preventative treatment is useful.

Side effects are varied from individual to individual but can usually be managed. It is VITAL to talk with a health professional before adjusting the dose or stopping any medication.
If you think you might be having a manic or depressive episode, it is important to try and not make any major life decisions as your judgment may be affected. Speak with your health care professional and ensure that you have controlled your episode before thinking about any major life changes – such as resigning from a job or making expensive purchases.

Some early warning signs of a depressed episode may be:

* depressed mood
* difficulty coping
* sleep disturbance (having trouble getting to sleep and waking up early)
* losing or gaining a lot of weight
* poor appetite
* lack of energy
* feeling tired all the time
* worrying excessively and feeling overwhelmed
* drinking more or misusing drugs
* physical health may get worse
* suicidal thoughts
* poor concentration and memory

This all sounds too familiar to me right now, as well- http://bipolar.about.com/cs/depressi...ht-depress.htm

One of the problems is, when I am depressed, feel like sleeping all the time, am too stressed out and tired to do as much housework that is expected of me etc, my family gets frustrated with me and keeps pushing at me to contribute more, and honestly, right now, I don't have much to give, I just want to curl up into a ball and recharge. The only time I seem to have an ok amount of energy is a few hours in the evening, and a few hours early in the morning.

What should be my next step now? Do I need to put my life on hold until my mood stabilises? I've gone through periods over the last four years (not so much in the last 12 months) where I've cried for hours everyday over certain things and felt depressed, anxious and lonely, but I was never suicidal.

BTW, this morning I woke up at 4am to use the bathroom, and I haven't been back to bed. I'm scared that if I go back to sleep, I won't be able to get up, and I need to hang out my laundry or it won't dry, and I have to get a certain amount of jobs done. Early in the morning or late at night is the only time of day I have to myself when I won't have my mum nagging at me to do things every 30 minutes, or my sister interrupting me. I get a lot of criticism over my sleeping habits, but I'm thinking even if I didn't have Bipolar, they would be kind of like this anyway. (I fluctuate between sleeping normally, not being able to sleep, sleeping for short periods, sleeping for long periods, only sleeping a few hours at night then napping for several hours during the day).

[NaughyChimp]

Oh, my dear girl, I'm so sorry to read this. Mental health issues can be such a b*tch! And not having much money, too.

I do think that it would be a good idea to discuss this with your parents. At the very least, they can keep an eye out for you and help you keep tabs on your health.

That's all I got.

[Risen from Ashes]

I should just add, besides the depression/bipolar there's 4 or 5 issues getting me down including:

-Being single
-Not having more than 1 or 2 friends where I am currently living
-Being Unemployed
-Not having an education beyond highschool
-My Christian faith being somewhat non existent (although I believe I'm on the way up!)
-My weight

Being hospitalised seems like a step backwards... if I can stay in the real world, I can seek employment, and the money thing won't be such an issue, and it also means I'll be a little bit more desirable as a girlfriend- I don't think many people are interested in dating a bum.

Being in hospital means that I'll end up with even less clothes to wear, but my mental health/confidence should improve. They say that you can't put a price on good health, but what about the moment you run out of pants?

[cue5c]

Oh Chicky, I'm so sorry, I know exactly what you're going through. (This is the second post I've started with that in the past 24 hours. )

To me it sounds more like you have depression. Bipolar definitely has all the symptoms of depression, however there's also the mania. Mania means you have these highs that could last for a few hours to a few days where you feel like you're on top of the world and absolutely nothing can bring you down. Either way, it sounds like you need some help.

My advice is to get help before you worry about a job. Admitting you have a problem and working through it is a strong quality and would only make you more desirable in the long run. Talk to people. The more you keep things bottled up the worse they become. I know it doesn't seem like the case now, but you will get better with help and that will affect the overall quality of your life. What you're feeling and what you put out into the world is what you draw back. If you're down and feeling hopeless all you're going to do is attract people and situations who will further enhance that.

You have to notice the patterns and then step aside before the next sequence hits. It's really fucking hard, but it's necessary. Once you're healthier you'll be better at seeing what you have to offer and find a job that suits you. Not to mention give a much better interview, which is entirely crucial. You shouldn't make important decisions without being able to see clearly, but if you happen to make some "wrong" choices, don't hold it against yourself. Those choices you made weren't wrong, just more experiences to help you grow.

Good luck with everything, I'm rooting for you!

[Risen from Ashes]

@cue5c Are you sure you're familiar with bipolar? You suffer from both manic episodes AND depression. My first post stated that my lack of hunger was similar to when I had my manic episode, which was weird, because I'm currently depressed. If you go to the first link I posted, there are symptoms for both depressed and manic episodes. I actually quite enjoy being manic.

[nádej]

Girl, take care of yourself.

You're not going to be able to hold a job if you aren't well. That's true for everyone, not just those dealing with mental illness.

Clothes can wait, a job can wait...if the bipolar is messing with you this badly right now, your health probably can't wait. Or at least it shouldn't. Bipolar can spiral out of control pretty quickly and pretty scarily and pretty dangerously.


Seeking medical advice doesn't necessarily mean that your entire life will be put on hold (though it might), but it does mean that you are taking control of your health and your future so that it can be as bright as it was intended to be. You're a smart girl - I know you ultimately want that and deserve it. :)

(As someone who does not have Bipolar herself, but has watched multiple loved ones struggle with it, know that taking care of your mental health is going to be doing those close to you a huge favor as well.)

[Paycen McGahey]

I have been in you're situation almost exactly. Last year when I lost my job, my boyfriend worked a minimum wage job, we had no heat or running water in our house, our neighbors were constantly breaking into my house, and a whole host of other issues. I'm a big guy and I stopped eating almost all together. Became almost anorexic. I lost about 100 lbs in two 1/2 months.

The only way I was able to get out of it was to do a complete 360. In essence, I had to go back home to my parents (I understand you live with your parents but you can do something similar in other aspects of your life), and allow someone else to take care of me. Emotionally and physically. I needed someone to keep my food in check, someone to talk to, someone to almost tell me how to make decisions. I had to take out all other stresses and worries in my life and only focus on myself and what would make me emotionally healthier.

As much as I hate being cliche. . . you must be the change you wish to see in the world.

[Risen from Ashes]

@Paycen McGahey I hate to say this, because it makes my problems sound pathetic, but it sounds like you had it a lot worse than me. My basic needs are taken care of. 70% of the time, I'm more likely to spend money on things I want than on things I need. I could have brought clothes a month ago when I had money, but I didn't even think about winter or the quality of my clothes, I had my heart set on the next big thing. I'm a fool. I'm hopeless with money. In my eyes though, I'm steadily putting on weight, clothes wear out quickly or I get bored with them so its often a waste of money, or I'll just end up needing more anyway. With the money I have left over each week, I usually buy junk food (expensive here!), get out $5-10 of dvds and buy one or two nice things off my wish list. A big part of the problem is myself. I knew this would come up at some point- its just so hard not having a small bit of play money.

What are you doing now? Are you doing any better?

[Paycen McGahey]

@chickydoda I am doing a lot better now. I have a fantastic job and I surround myself with the people I love. While my situation was a bit more drastic than yours is right now, a manic episode is a manic episode. You are feeling and thinking the same things I was. Don't feel that you're feelings aren't validated. It's just another ever exhausting symptom of bipolar.

I'm assuming at some point in time during this episode you have gotten in a few fights and/or broken off ties with someone. Someone that you really cared about and really cared about you. Right now (or the soonest as would be convenient for the other person) I want you to rekindle that relationship. Whatever argument you got in isn't important now. It was probably over the way you've been acting or the other person was angry at you "for some stupid reason." Go to them and admit that you were wrong and they were right. Whether you actually believe this is up to you. . . just say it to rekindle the relationship so you can have someone around you that was around you when you were happy. Also it will add another person back into your life that cares about you and wants to see you happy.

Also, get a job. It gives you some sort of self worth and it takes your mind off things. Idle hands are the devils handy work. And try your hardest (I know how hard it is) to stop impulse buying. Especially when you're trying to escape depression. But you don't need those things right now. They're an attempt to make you feel self worth and distract you from what is going on.

Another quick word of advice I would give is don't immediately start venting and unloading things on your rekindled friend. Wait for the relationship to heal first and then start confiding in them.

And as a little ray of immediate hope. . . things aren't always going to be like this. In fact, being happy again is something you can look forward to. You know how ENFPs are a bit obsessive? Obsess over attaining that goal.

[Risen from Ashes]

@Paycen McGahey

Hmm, I don't know where you got the idea I'd broken off relationships, I've only been like this for a week! I did delete one woman off facebook, but shes been annoying me for months! Shes my cousins mother in law, so I don't see why I even need to keep in touch, shes a nice enough person, but I've never actually talked to her in person! She just likes everything I post and writes annoying comments- was actually a little bit of weight lifted off my shoulders.

I'm actually working towards getting a job... that's why I made this thread- because its a conflict between getting full time medical help and putting off doing anything, or getting work but feeling depressed. If the job thing wasn't an issue, I wouldn't have created a thread in the first place. Also, they aren't exactly impulse buys, they were things I was planning on getting anyway... hunger games book, Kellie Pickler CD, multibox etc... its a lot less depressing to buy something nice for yourself or something you've been needing for a while then putting $10 towards a pair of pants that is $30- no point buying clothes that will fall apart! Even on minimum wage, if I work full time, I will get more than twice the amount of money than I have now- if that's not motivation, I don't know what is!

I'm not so sure about your last point... things get better for a while, then end up bad again. My mum told me that they only promised me a Border Collie when I got my degree because neither of them believed I would ever finish University... apparently I have the brains but not much going for me. Oh, and apparently I'd be a terrible mother etc... basically my parents can think of good reasons why all the things I want in my life are bad ideas, and its making me even more depressed than I was before! I've wanted kids since I was four or five, its the main thing I think about- I've always been better at looking after kids than I have been at myself. I think they have a point though- sometimes I think I want things but then when I get them, I realise they aren't all they were cracked up to be, or I only saw the good stuff, not the cons, the real costs, the commitment etc. If the things I want are bad for me, what the heck am I supposed to do with my life? Just float around from thing to thing partying and making friends? I don't know. It doesn't really give me anything to look forward to does it?