[stayawake]

As an ENFP, how do you grieve? Is there something someone has said to you that has been helpful in a time of grief? Some way that you were comforted by others?

A friend of mine who is an ENFP (I'm sure of it) just lost his father, and his mother died a number of years ago. He's only in his 30's, and this all happened very suddenly. I'm totally at a loss for what to say. he's generally a very privet person (and only told a few friends why he was going to go visit his dad a week ago) and doesn't always share what's going on inside. He's good at putting on a smiley face and saying he's 'fine', and breaking down later when fewer people are around. I've made a few meals for him and his wife for their fridge for when they come back to this city (since I have their key and am feeding their cats!)



I'm not sure I know how INFJ's grieve either, so maybe you don't have any insite for me... but if you do, I'd be all for hearing it. I know sometimes for me and other INFJ's if we let our self feel, it's so much for us that we just shut down. It's easier to pretend it's not there, sometimes. But at the same time, we are upset when others don't aknowledge the pain we must be going through...

[Mango Kiwi]

I remember every act of kindness (card, hug, gesture of various sorts) that people offered to me when I grieved a close family member. They each made a difference ... and years later, still impact me and give me comfort.

Because of that, I am now much more forward with my gestures to the bereaved. I am truthful and say words of comfort and offer support.

You can't imagine how much each little thing means to people. When you lose someone, it can be such a blow- life-shattering- like a punch to the gut and you lose your breath. You look to the outside world and think, "How can life just being going on like normal when my loved one is gone?? How can everyone just be going about their business like it's no big deal??" So when someone breaks that trance-thinking with a gesture remembering your loved one- remembering your grief- and showing sympathy, it helps the healing process.

I wouldn't over-think it. Just reach out in the way you are most comfortable. I can't imagine any type not receiving a sympathetic gesture with acceptance and appreciation.

[liza_200]

As an ENFP, how do you grieve? Is there something someone has said to you that has been helpful in a time of grief? Some way that you were comforted by others?

A friend of mine who is an ENFP (I'm sure of it) just lost his father, and his mother died a number of years ago. He's only in his 30's, and this all happened very suddenly. I'm totally at a loss for what to say. he's generally a very privet person (and only told a few friends why he was going to go visit his dad a week ago) and doesn't always share what's going on inside. He's good at putting on a smiley face and saying he's 'fine', and breaking down later when fewer people are around. I've made a few meals for him and his wife for their fridge for when they come back to this city (since I have their key and am feeding their cats!)

I'm not sure I know how INFJ's grieve either, so maybe you don't have any insite for me... but if you do, I'd be all for hearing it. I know sometimes for me and other INFJ's if we let our self feel, it's so much for us that we just shut down. It's easier to pretend it's not there, sometimes. But at the same time, we are upset when others don't aknowledge the pain we must be going through...

One word answer (for me)- Leave me alone. I need to regenerate, the more condolence you show when I'm depressed, the more irritated I feel. Maybe the same goes for her.

[starri]

I second @NTyson plus the fact that I would also love distractions. Something to really take up all my attention to get me out of the mood completely. When I'm left alone, granted I will break apart, but less if I was enjoying myself during the day. But maybe that's my 7 wing and not necessarily ENFP.

[Tulipgarden]

I am not totally sure how I would be because I haven't lost anyone who is exceptionally close to me. I have a feeling I may need to be left alone to sort out of my feelings but I think I would be kind enough to make myself accept everyone's condolences because they mean well.

From your point of view, I know it is hard to offer comfort and what people need. My friend just recently lost her 16 year old daughter in a car accident. The funeral was huge and all I could think was "how does she cope with all these people?". She must have given out 1,000 hugs. It must be draining to keep up with everyone's condolences when you just want a moment to "think and feel". But then again, I think it was a sense of comfort and a "wow" factor is seeing how so many people came to support her and her family. She always thought her daughter was a too "reclusive" and here all these people come to celebrate her daughter's life.

I think support is important, it is just hard to know WHAT to offer.

What I decided to do for my friend is that first I offered to do her laundry. I am sure it must be hard to keep a household full of people running and other children to raise when your trying to grieve.

Secondly, I will take her to lunch and a pedicure 6 months from now. When everyone else has died down and she starts having to really face what is going on...then we will go hang out and if for no other reason than to "know" someone is there.

[Noelle]

I don't know if my post is relevant as I'm not an ENFP (but I am married to one,) but I think the best thing you could do is just let him know you are there for anything.

If he just wants to be alone, let him alone. If he wants to go to a movie, go to a movie. Basically, let them tell you what they want and do it, don't assume what they need and give it. I may be off the mark, but just offering to feel sorry an force them to talk about it seems to just make them spiral downward, I've tended to notice ENFPs don't like to dwell on the same emotion for long, particularly negative ones.

[Zster]

I've made a few meals for him and his wife for their fridge for when they come back to this city (since I have their key and am feeding their cats!)

This shows that your instincts are excellent! Taking on the care of beloved pets so that the grieving couple can do what they need to do without worrying is a HUGE help!

I lost my husband a few years back. I can certainly say that each grief journey is different, and each journey winds and turns and might vary greatly moment to moment, which can be frustrating for those who want to help. That said, here's what pops into my mind right now:

1. Make actual offers, rather than "if you need anything". The bereaved need almost everything - the simplest tasks become monumental. Asking us to formulate a specific need and to go to the trouble of trying to talk without cursing or crying to actually ask for help is often asking too much. For me, basic maintenance chores suffered as I came home from work, paralyzed with sorrow. The folks who recommended a cleaning lady were a god send. Those who offered to watch my pets (reptiles!) made it possible for me to visit my family for support. The meals were VERY welcome. Offers of laundry, yard maintenance, trips to the grocery all can be helpful. Beware though, false/insincere offers are worse than none. We cannot afford to lose any more ground beneath us.

2. Don't disappear, even if we seem to be pushing people away. There is a saying that "loss rewrites your address book". You would be shocked by how many friends I lost after losing my husband - as if the one loss was not enough!

3. Listen, but do not advise, and try to avoid the tendency to offer platitudes, especially religious mumbo jumbo. Even devout people can be real angry at God at such a time. "I know exactly how you feel"... well, truth be told, you probably don't (and we are GLAD for that - no one needs to suffer loss themselves to be a good friend). Honesty is a good idea. I found a genuine "I don't know what to say." or "This sucks big time" actually very welcome at times.

4. Appreciate that grief honors no timeline. The 1 year mark is not some magical "all better" milestone. Often it's when the grief gets worse as everyone else seems to have moved on, forgotten, or think we're mental for STILL being sad.

5. Carry love in your heart. Despite everything, the grieving CAN usually sense what's inside: if you are annoyed, worried, feeling awkward, etc... If you carry love for the suffering person, even without grand gestures or words of wisdom, we will sense that and be able to cling to it, either in reality or figuratively. A lot of people seem to withdraw. Having a few stand the course, even when we are being unpleasant and irrational helps more than I can say.

Bottom line, if you genuinely care for the suffering person(s), let your heart guide you. I don't see how it can guide you wrongly. I developed warm special feelings for those who stepped up at such an awful time. I thought I wanted to be alone, and yet that was the last thing I wanted. Only the most stalwart friends would put up with such insanity!

Thank you, on behalf of one who's lost, for caring enough to ask. Your friend is very fortunate to have you!

peace,
Z

[Sam Gross]

Don't talk to me. Shut up and listen for that invisible sound that hides the one you lost. Listen with me. Care in your actions, not your words, and you will have truly comforted me.

[saffron]

I agree with @NTyson. I remember all of the gestures since the main thing was that they made me feel less alone and that people cared enough that they wanted to do something to help. I felt supported. There are no magic words or actions. People can't take away the pain. Just be there to offer what you can.

[stayawake]

Zster - your advice was particularly helpful!! It is a good reminder, as it's been a while since I was young when I lost my mother, it had a different impact on me (and I wasn't trying to to take care of a family at the same time!). My friends are still accross the country, probably until after the funeral. I'll be sending flowers for the funeral, and will be stocking their freezer with four or five meals. I will just listen to my heart, and carry love in my heart.