I did forget to mention that I used to get detention for talking and then I would get detention in detention for talking while in detention. LOL!
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This is a discussion on I need guidance on my ENFP son. within the ENFP Forum - The Inspirers forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; Originally Posted by Julia Bell @ Shale - Oh, that's brilliant! Instrument-wise, the piano is great and "easier" to start ...
I did forget to mention that I used to get detention for talking and then I would get detention in detention for talking while in detention. LOL!
idk much about getting chores done and I am 22 yrs old. I can only tell you what didnt work for me.
My mom used to make it seem as if "I am not keeping my end of the bargain" by not following her rules, and eventually after saying this many times I started to wonder exactly when we set up a contract?
Arguing (I mean the swearing, ghetto, god-awful type) didnt work... I just grew to hate and fear her. Cant stress the hate enough...
It is important to get him in the habit of cleaning for real though. Make it an almost daily routine, save yourself from future stress. (boy parenting is really so strategic eh?)
With regards to school... LOL I feel anarchist, but I think i am right so anyway...
There is no true problem with your son, the true problem lies in the school system. Real learning to me is going in with ????, exploring and coming out with "Ahhaaah"'s or deeper ???... This cookie-cutter, memorizing game is very primitive thinking imo.
But since we cant really change the world, lets bend and mould ourselves to fit in.
I think ENFP children like me would learn a lot better in small groups... no more than 8 people. Almost like home-schooling. Idk if you have the opportunity to try that, I am just throwing it out there.
What does the teacher suggest for him?? She cant just be complaining and not coming up with solutions since she is the one experiencing the behaviour first hand. Maybe you can ask her what she thinks can be done.
I think if the teacher should give him extra responsibilities him will be distracted in a good way. In grade 1 and 4 I would help by drawing on the board, marking test papers, helping with projects... other stuff. It was more work to be a teachers helper but I am sure they did it to keep me from distracting others.
In grade 10-11 biology I sat at the teachers desk away from everyone. Yes for the whole two years. Here I distracted the class only by asking questions. Many questions... In the end I found out this helped other ppl understand and remember thing so I guess it wasnt so bad.
What ever you do, dont let anyone give him meds for adhd or any crap like that.
So, as far as I understand – the problem is about talking. About talking loud at school as he comes home with those notes that teacher has written. I can not understand one thing though – is he talking in a way it only distracts teacher and other people in the class, or is he is talking in the manner of being disrespectful while not listening to teacher and not giving any respect at all?
Personally, I was a very quiet kid in a class. I just had too much respect for the authority and did not want to interrupt others with my talking. I quietly chatted with my girlfriends though but it never interfered my classmates, at least I do not remember any situation like that.
Anyways, I do not think there should be any punishment or so for talking. Like... you can not really tame him because of being bored. It seems he has plenty of energy, but.... does he has any interests to put his energy into? If not, then... that might be a problem here. :- )
I use to get in trouble during Primary School a lot.. I almost get expelled once or twice.. But in Highschool my entire world was turned on its head and I became the good-guy who's grades were doing well, etc. Looking back, I found that my teachers made a lot of brash judgements on me as an ENFP child.. I can relate to a number of these posts. One of the things suggested was that ENFP have MILLIONS of thoughts going through the mind at once, thus, unless a process is actually attended too and it isn't immediate on the mind, it will usually be forgotten about..
I am also starting to wonder whether ENFP have different love languages in comparison to other types.. For example, when I was with my parents, they were very much "Service" oriented, and this is something I never really was able to attain naturally.. My parents were always pulling their hair out because I didn't quite jump when they told me too - mainly because I was so busy with my MILLION thoughts that I just forgot about it a minute later. It wasn't because I loved them any less - although when telling them this they doubted it completely (because of their love language) - it's just that, ENFP tend to live in a second world within their minds.
It can be a bit tough from time to time relating to other types for this reason... Eh... So many things.. I felt a bit misunderstood growing up.. Obviously I balanced out (in my own time and in my own effort) and these things aren't so much of a problem now. All I know is that my parents needed a lot of patience dealing with me as a child... And looking back, I can understand why.. I wasn't a bad child, I just wasn't.........stereotypical - shall we say..
Any other ENFP get that growing up??
Not only was I an ENFP child, but I am also raising an ENFP son. Your description of your son sounds exactly like mine was. Those posters who have answered that the problem is the school's are not far off the mark. My boy aced all academics, but got easily 3 or more marks per week for miscellaneous "behavioral" issues - crazy things like standing when the rest of the class was sitting, staring off into space when he finished an exam in mere moments and had time to kill, etc... (mostly nit picky things, IMO)
When he finally got in with a teacher who understood what was going on: he was absorbing every detail that the teacher presented, despite seeming to tune out. He was also BORED. Since he got the first teacher who understood this, he has been "Belle of the Ball" because all of the teachers since have adored his brilliance (he sure helps their standardized test averages) and his quirkiness.
Regarding how to "make him exercise impulse control", my advice is do NOT "make" him. I always have known what impulse control is and so has my son (now 12 years old). We simply do not care to embrace it - it can feel stifling to us and frankly, stupid. I did have a lot of discussion my son about crossing the line into disruption of others, but urge him to be his own person, while being fully willing to accept any consequences of his "coloring outside of the lines".
As far as discipline goes, you were on the right track - removal of privledges, once I found which currency mattered to him, along with discussing my reasoning WHY ("Because I say so" will NEVER fly for an ENFP) helped him to better decide for himslef what battles were worth fighting. Computer, TV/DVD, and video games still work as currency with my him.
BTW, he is now in the top 2 smartest kids in the county and absolutely adored by every teacher he has. He is going to be fine and will probably contribute to society as a free thinker.
If I was not ENFP, I might find his eccentricity stressful. As a fellow ENFP, I revel in it. Fortunately many ENFPs are intelligent as children. They typically wont burn any bridges that count, but can make those who value conformity and not making waves very nervous (my mom comes to mind). So far, my son is turning out OK. I feel as if I am OK, though I am still "weird" by most social conventions. (:
ENFPs: often smart, frequently strange, but seldom bored - at least that's how it rolls in my family.
@Coccinellidae Usually the talking is social. Like during a lesson plan he is talking to the kid seated next to him creating a distraction (for the child next to him and the teacher.) He has improved about 95% since the beginning of the year for talking out of turn (without raising his hand.) The social talking comes and goes in waves (it makes sense he would be bored and not engaged in something stimulating.)
@The Roving ENFP "ENFP tend to live in a second world within their minds." BAHAHAHA, yes I agree! As far as the million thoughts at one time, yes this is my son. Like yesterday for instance, we are driving home from an activity. I was bombarded by several questions that were not related in any way. I've just learned to answer each of them, rather than ask what is going on in his head (b/c of inconsistency.) Friday night I took him out to dinner (us time). I followed his lead rather than my own agenda since it was his evening. I enjoy being around him and his energy. I thank you for your comment.
@Zster Thanks so much for your input, especially:I will take special note of this. I understand the feeling of being stifled myself, especially when I feel someone is hovering over me. It's basically the same thing ... controlled. I didn't put 2 and 2 together until you pointed that out in your statement. Thanks!!"Regarding how to "make him exercise impulse control", my advice is do NOT "make" him. I always have known what impulse control is and so has my son (now 12 years old). We simply do not care to embrace it - it can feel stifling to us and frankly, stupid. I did have a lot of discussion my son about crossing the line into disruption of others, but urge him to be his own person, while being fully willing to accept any consequences of his "coloring outside of the lines".
I see this with my ENFP brother-in-law especially ... considering he is military. It always surprised my husband that he went in the military just from his personality ... non conformist. He has created waves, and he has changed guard units. I don't mind the waves with ENFPs, I do it myself ... it makes life interesting. The difference is that it will come out in the ENFP extroversion, and I tend to be a bit more selective with whom I can be my normal strange oddball self.They typically wont burn any bridges that count, but can make those who value conformity and not making waves very nervous (my mom comes to mind).
Last edited by Shale; 05-07-2012 at 05:06 AM.
I'm 18, and just graduating.. And my mom is an INFJ.
Honestly, the public school system is crap.. It turns bright minds into mushiness, with a side of social incompetence.
My parents were both public schooled, both were active in Band, theatre, whatever else.
Both of my parents agreed that home schooling is what they wanted for their kids.
I'm ADHD and Dyslexic.. And even with those "problems", I still scored 130 on the IQ test (almost 40 points lower than mom, but oh well. :)
I spend far less time doing school, and honestly, I probably resemble an unschooler in certain aspects.
Although I have books that mom hands me, a large portion of what I learn, I learn on my own.
As an ENFP, these are my suggestions if you decide towards homeschooling:
1.Test his learning types.. Preferably the Howard Gardner Multiple Intelligences test.
This test will let you know where his learning gifts are.
I've always been good with my hands, but also with good ears for pitch.
I have good visuospatial skills (I used to be great at pool), but I did TERRIBLY at Geometry, purely because I couldn't understand the written explanations on what they wanted you to do with each function.
Also, it will allow you to encourage him in ways that could be fruitful towards a career.
I'm a musician.. I started playing by ear when I was young. Now I sing, play the guitar, bass, keyboard, djembe, cajon, hank drum, glockenspiel, duduk, etc. I would probably be considered a failure of a student at a public school, but mom's a bit more flexible with me, so I have gotten away with some stuff that public schools wouldn't.
2. Always present learning in ways that sound interesting.
At home school; when I was younger, we'd watch historically based movies.
I would remember half the script of whatever Disney movie came out, so it was MUCH easier for me to retain movie stories, rather than written stories.
I LOVE learning new things.. I just hate the format some people push.
3. Encourage him towards things he's likely to enjoy.
If you do home school him, there is no reason why he can't give presentations (acting), etc.
Public schools are socialized education.. Meaning everyone has to learn everything the same way.
I can write an award winning essay about something close to me (I won a $100 Speaker system.. First essay I ever wrote), but I am terrible at writing essays about historical stuff. However, I could verbally express everything well enough to get a shining A+.
It's quite common for ENFPs to go onto careers in Acting, Music, Invention, Journalism, Art, etc.
4. Test him for ADD/ADHD and Dyslexia.
I know this may sound ridiculous, but here's why.
ENFPs are creative minds.. Creative minds are heavily focused on the right brain.
Dyslexia and ADD/ADHD are heavily right brained "disorders".
I didn't find out I was Dyslexic until I was 17.. I suspected starting at 3rd grade.
I didn't know enough about it to talk to mom about it, until I was past my Junior year.
If he is Dyslexic, don't worry.. He's in good company! Da Vinci was Dyslexic, but managed to dabble in art, music, invention, and so much more.
It's not a curse.. Unless you are public schooled.
Otherwise, it's not bad! It just means your brain has a slightly different architecture.
It means that you have certain disadvantages, sure.. But you also have quite a few advantages/gifts that come along with it.. Unless you are quite severely Dyslexic.
5. Be sure to let him be his true extroverted self, even if he is educated at home.. Take him to parks, church (if you are a Christian).. I was homescholed, and I tested as a 95% extroverted guy!
6. Learning aids.. When I am at church, and it's a long message, I am almost always doing SOMETHING.
If you give a kinaesthetic learner, some silly putty, they are stimulated in that way. That opens the door to them being able to focus in other areas.
My retention rate for youth group messages skyrocketed when I was drawing anime characters during youth.
Drawing can use Kinaesthetic and Visuo-spatial together, meaning I am not distracted by my need to keep myself occupied in those areas.. Thus, allowing me to listen better. Anything that focuses you on one specific thing, focuses you in everything.. I can't be daydreaming like I do half of the day, when I am doing something like art.. It keeps me grounded.
I hope there is at least SOMETHING here that is salvageable.
that worked on you because you are enneagram 9. this kid seems like a clear type 7 to me. emotional suggestion does not work on 7s the way it does 9s.
keep up the reward and punishment, but it's also important to explain why things must be done as often as possible. for instance, I used to be really loud/disruptive in school until a teacher explained to me that they have to get through a certain amount of material each year or they risk losing their job. once I found this out and realized the (a little) more than just a controlling bitch, it made me more cooperative. he will learn impulse control in time, but, frankly, it takes awhile. like I said, keep up the reward, punishment and explaining things clearly, but it will take time.