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ENFP Males and the ladies

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This is a discussion on ENFP Males and the ladies within the ENFP Forum - The Inspirers forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; heh. i think the man upstairs is having a great big laugh at our expense, moby. endows us with all ...

  1. #11
    ENFP - The Inspirers


    heh. i think the man upstairs is having a great big laugh at our expense, moby. endows us with all of these amazing gifts, but then leaves us hanging dry in the end.

    you mention that it's draining to have to feel like we're constantly mentoring the clingy girls. but i find that it's actually MORE emotionally draining for me to feel like I have to continually stay in persona in order to get anywhere with most girls. Like an actor who's never allowed off-stage, I feel like I have to be "on" at all times, and that's really frustrating. As soon as the real me comes out, the magic is suddenly gone. I'm left to wonder if it's my fault for creating that aura in the first place, or hers for wanting to see nothing but the smoke and mirrors.
    it's so odd, really, when i think about it.

    we have an amazing ability to gain instant attraction due to our charisma. it gets girls thinking about taking you back home with them. but we prefer sitting down and having a heart-to-heart discussion (preferably one where we kinda lecture them about life ) and making that emotional connection, rather than going for the one night stand. so, we're great for attracting girls for the one night stand but we don't want one. when we go for the emotional connection, they don't want it. jeez. that leaves nobody better off, if i did my math correctly.

  2. #12
    INFP - The Idealists

    After reading the replies and posts after mine, I've come to realization that I was suffering from sour grapes. I don't think the ENFP's ego was fed but rather that fact that he is very, very popular, has a wide group of acquaintances, and participates in various social groups in college. He just simply doesn't have time to chat up everyone he meets, which I can completely understand. Come to think of it, all the interactions we had were very positive and I always left with smile on my face! All his friends have nothing but great things to say about him. He has a undefinable quality about him (like glowiness or something) I really can't really describe it. Healthy ENFPs are always a pleasure to have around.
    FreeAgent thanked this post.

  3. #13
    ENFP - The Inspirers

    Quote Originally Posted by RobinsonCrusoe View Post
    but i find that it's actually MORE emotionally draining for me to feel like I have to continually stay in persona in order to get anywhere with most girls. Like an actor who's never allowed off-stage, I feel like I have to be "on" at all times, and that's really frustrating. As soon as the real me comes out, the magic is suddenly gone. I'm left to wonder if it's my fault for creating that aura in the first place, or hers for wanting to see nothing but the smoke and mirrors.
    it's so odd, really, when i think about it.

    we have an amazing ability to gain instant attraction due to our charisma. it gets girls thinking about taking you back home with them. but we prefer sitting down and having a heart-to-heart discussion (preferably one where we kinda lecture them about life ) and making that emotional connection, rather than going for the one night stand. so, we're great for attracting girls for the one night stand but we don't want one. when we go for the emotional connection, they don't want it. jeez. that leaves nobody better off
    Amen. Honestly...thats all I really need to say, amen. RobinsonCrusoe, what you've described IS just my life.

    I can be invited to go on a cruise alone with a hot girl just because she wants to screw me and says so (happened recently), but I can't have a fulfilling relationship. Why? Exactly what you said. We're like actors that arn't allowed off stage, the lights can't dim for us, because when they do it seems like the girls we want instantly turn away, get awkward, get bored, WHATEVER to screw things up...Man it is frusterating. It is tiring, and I feel like we have so much more to offer then just a persona.

    But what can we do? Live a lie? Exhaust ourselves to keep the persona on at all times and starve our inward, deeper self because thats expected of us? I wish I had the answer.

    P.S. Good for the INFP girl to realize she spoke too soon about the ENFP. Yeah, I've got loads of friends too and it's hard to make time for new people when your other contacts are constantly calling/texting/whatever. It's good you understand time functions the same for us as it does to you.

  4. #14
    ENFP - The Inspirers


    Quote Originally Posted by Moby View Post
    But what can we do? Live a lie? Exhaust ourselves to keep the persona on at all times and starve our inward, deeper self because thats expected of us? I wish I had the answer.
    Were it so easy...

    Living a lie is out of the question for me. I will just accept the fact that there are a lot of girls out there who just want the sizzle, not the steak, and move on.

    Casanova once said, "Be the flame, not the moth."

    ENFP males are great at being the flame. But we get tired and burn out sometimes, and then feel frustrated when all the moths leave. Instead of getting frustrated, though, we should just accept that this is just how things happen. Flame goes out, moths leave. Logical.

    I propose that the answer isn't to withdraw in frustration. The E in our ENFP means that we naturally derive our energy from being around other people. This means that we get burned out, but we also get energized from being with others. The answer, from what limited experience I have, is to surround yourself constantly with people you like. When the flame goes out, it can quickly go back on. We must always stay true to ourselves or else we'll start accusing ourselves of being inauthentic. That's why I say living a lie is out of the question.

    I'm not saying that I have this perfected yet. Far from it. I'm still experimenting. But I have a core group of friends (i think they're mostly infps) who help me "recharge" my zany ENFP energy. I'm like a battery that's drained and recharged daily. after spending a little bit of time with them, I feel absolutely invincible again! treasure these kinds of friends!

  5. #15
    ENFP - The Inspirers

    "We're like actors that aren't allowed off stage."
    "Be the flame, not the moth."
    "I'm like a battery that's drained and recharged daily."
    "...who just want the sizzle, not the steak."

    My heart's racing! Only ENFPs would use analogies to this extent! I feel like I've come home...except to no home that I've ever known. And nobody better say I'm going all cougar up in this piece! You two are so sincere and charming and so funny! (You know that's a compliment!)
    fguewriter and FreeAgent thanked this post.

  6. #16
    ENTP - The Visionaries

    try an ENTP

  7. #17
    ENFP - The Inspirers

    Quote Originally Posted by Lilsnowy;199977"

    My heart's racing! Only ENFPs would use analogies to this extent! I feel like I've come home...except to no home that I've ever known. And nobody better say I'm going all cougar up in this piece! You two are so sincere and charming and so funny! (You [I
    know[/I] that's a compliment!)
    Hey, whats going on here? Arn't you as an ENFP supposed to be immune to the ENFP male's charms? Honestly. If NOT so, then that explains the ENFP bartender girl from 2007 that asked me out. I said no because I wasn't into her promiscous lifestyle (cage dancing and much more lol) plus I thought since she was into another ENFP she was pretending to be someone she wasn't. I dunno, maybe we do attract female ENFPs...but honestly I assumed since you girls are cut from the same cloth we would NOT charm you.

    I do feel I've come home too. I only know one other ENFP in my life and he isn't a strong one according to the Myers-Brigg, plus he's not doing so well and isn't very confidant in himself so you guys are pretty much my lifeline that I am sane right now.

  8. #18
    ENFP - The Inspirers


    Quote Originally Posted by Moby View Post
    I only know one other ENFP in my life and he isn't a strong one according to the Myers-Brigg, plus he's not doing so well and isn't very confidant in himself...
    Yea, I find that male ENFPs who haven't made peace with themselves have it the worst. Lack of confidence, depression, social anxiety, and simmering rage against society and the world.

    but an ENFP who celebrates himself, who knows how much value he brings to people around him, is the exact opposite: he helps other people find peace with themselves. His zany energy, silly charms, and unshakeable confidence to do and say what he wants helps inhibited people feel more liberated and at peace with their own demons.

    I think that the best way to go about it is to reserve this kind of energy for your friends, who you don't have to fear will judge you. If you give this energy away to people who DON'T value it, it's emotionally draining. So I think we should reserve this for people who appreciate it and thus strengthen our confidence in who we are. These are the people who appreciate our ability to be BOTH silly and deep at the same time.

    And with the rest of the world, just be the ever-light-hearted actor on stage, making a spectacle out of life and enjoying the moment for what it is. You don't owe it to strangers to get real "deep" with them, especially since most people prefer to get to know others a little bit at a time, and ENFPs tend to share themselves with others by the gallon. Withhold your true self with strangers, and be yourself with friends. I don't think this is being inauthentic. I think it's being smart!
    damiencoold and Ming thanked this post.

  9. #19
    ENFP - The Inspirers

    Right on you two (Moby/ Robin).

    It is very difficult and frustrating, I feel I am blessed with being able to charm women but cursed with out ever finding love. If I was only an SJ I think I would be having a lot more fun. I find it really hard to have meaningful deep connections with women. However, I blame my surroundings not myself... even though that makes no sense!

    But honestly I live in Miami and it is a very shallow place I think it is well suited for people looking for hookups not so much for deeper relationships.

    I would really like to find an ENFP that shares my value system, I think that would be my ideal, but I do not speak from experience.

  10. #20
    ENFP - The Inspirers


    i had an enfp friend who helped me out of a bout of depression. he reminded me of who i used to be,the conversations were just so easy. he said himself that with other people he had to think of things to say sometimes but with me we'd just chat and have a mess and it was never boring. then he commited suicide. i miss that boy so much.
    imocheann thanked this post.


 

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