[truth.pride.love]

When I've finally come to the decision to end the relationship, I usually cut it completely clean. No friendship afterward. If I am the one making the decision, it has to be for an extremely serious reason. Usually, I stick around in a relationship long after I should have left. The wishful thinking comment is the best to describe it. I guess I always end up hoping for the best, or for a change, or for anything to sway me from making the decision to cut someone out of my life.

If I am broken up with, though....oh boy. Yikes. It's like, I'm scraping for some sort of reason! Usually, I have been lied to about the breakup. Just recently, I had someone leave me hanging... he won't return my messages or anything. Just dropped off the face of the planet. I continued to write him emails, even though it's probably better that we didn't end up together. Something about ending a relationship with anyone I've grown close to feels like getting kicked in the gut.

[Tonality]

I'm an INFJ who believes I am in an on/off relationship with an ENFP over nine years. She definitely fits the ENFP behaviors I see here.

We get each other, and we care for each other. By rational standards, our relationship is not healthy. Though we never say unkind things about each other, and get very defensive if anyone criticizes the other - even when we aren't talking to one another. It baffles people. She often gets offended by people and says "you just don't understand, nobody does." But she also needs to tell everyone about her struggles, so she gets plenty of advice she never wanted and no understanding.

It all started with conversation. Before I had this basic understanding of MBTI, I had arrived at the conclusion that not many people "got her", and didn't really care about what she had to say. They found her annoying. I found her intoxicating.

Often, she will break up with me out of guilt. She may notice some guy is attractive, feel guilty, and dump me. (lately that has stopped). She moves on for a few weeks, something reminds her of me, and she is a mess. I usually get a call a few months later. I've learned when my Fe is in overdrive it is overwhelming to her. The times she she has found me very attractive, I have all but ignored her. I find that baffling.

I adore the ENFP personality. I suppose neither of us is very normal, so don't take this as a pattern of ENFP INFJ pairing.

[Agelaius]

How I feel after a break up:

[J.A.Future]

@Tonality

Im someone who feels extreme guilt when I deal with the opposite sex whilst in a relationship. I've been spending ample amount of time trying to solve why I feel this guilt. For example when I was in college I exchanged numbers with a fellow student so we could meet up and finish a project. Now, I felt guilt as I did it even though I had no interest or intention to date him. I thought about it so much afterthe act and I began to beat myself up about it and felt like I was doing something wrong. I started blaming my ex saying he was too possessive of me but I realized the guilt was brewed from within me. The way I reacted to my ex's questions of my classmate were my own doing simply because I felt like I was doing something wrong. I know I'm a very loyal person, but for some reason when I find someone is mentally or physically attractive I freak out and feel like I'm cheating - like I shouldnt be with them because I'm being dishonest to them with my eyes and my mind.

[RuthBoaz]

I'm an INTJ female who was dating a ENFP male. We were very serious about each other and were planning on getting married. A lot of stress came into the relationship from sources outside of ourselves and some due to communication challenges and his lack of experience with relationships. Anyway, he told me that he wasn't "in love" with me anymore, which I later realized meant that he thought that the butterfly feelings of new love were supposed to stay for a long time. So, we broke up. I was sad and took a long time to heal. But, I've worked through that process, for the most part, and have resumed dating other guys.

He just called me out of the blue and wants us to still be friends, says that he doesn't like us not having freedom around each other and that he's left me alone (b/c I asked him too) but that our silence, and lack of commmunication has bothered him the entire time. He wants to know if I'm OK with being friends now. Ummm, I'm not used to such a request and am concerned that doing so will cause me to go backward in my healing. The lack of communication for those several months had quite the opposite effect on me. It helped me to detach and heal. He insists that he doesn't have any hope for us, just misses our friendship. Since we were only acquaintances before we dated, I'm baffled with it all. I politely said that he could call every now and then.

My question to the community is this: is this typical male ENFP post break up behavior? Does my ex just want to assauge any guilty feelings he has over hurting me by "being friends"? Or is he just fooling himself and trying to fool me with this "just friends" bit? I tend to "cut and move on" so the request is bizare to me.

[ModelandActress]

I'm usually the one doing the dumping. I realize guys aren't worth it before I get hurt. I'm just a teenager and I have better things to worry about than immature teenage boys. xD

[Agelaius]

@RuthBoaz - Thought I'd help provide some of my input!

I'm an INTJ female who was dating a ENFP male. We were very serious about each other and were planning on getting married. A lot of stress came into the relationship from sources outside of ourselves and some due to communication challenges and his lack of experience with relationships. Anyway, he told me that he wasn't "in love" with me anymore, which I later realized meant that he thought that the butterfly feelings of new love were supposed to stay for a long time. So, we broke up. I was sad and took a long time to heal. But, I've worked through that process, for the most part, and have resumed dating other guys.

First: I'm really sorry to hear that whole break-up situation :( <3
Second: Glad to at least hear that you're moving on, for the most part!
Third: As far as things go when it comes to relationships I commit myself the moment we start dating. I've really only dated three people and all three times I was looking at the long haul. So, the fact that he broke up and decided to leave it behind seems odd to me, but it's at least good to hear you're in the process of moving on.

He just called me out of the blue and wants us to still be friends, says that he doesn't like us not having freedom around each other and that he's left me alone (b/c I asked him too) but that our silence, and lack of commmunication has bothered him the entire time. He wants to know if I'm OK with being friends now.

Now THAT sounds like ENFP behaviour. I think he's starting to realize his mistake but, in recognizing that it's pretty much over and that he doesn't have enough of a passion to try and pursue it again, is trying to make amends and stay friends. With the two girlfriends before (before my current one) we tried to but, in the end, it came down to just a lot of broken tension that made it difficult. I mean, we're still acquaintances, but otherwise our friendship is pretty much... stagnant. I think it was the idea of commitment that scared them, truth be told, but I can't do a whole lot about that. Casual dating just isn't my thing.

To sum that up, ENFPs have a hard time letting relationships go, at least on the level of friendship. I can't speak for ALL, but it's a trend I've noticed. Even when it's gotten REALLY bad and we're hurt beyond repair, there's a small part that holds onto the past and looks toward the future, hoping maybe something will happen. It rarely does, but at least for myself I have a really hard time letting friendships go.

Ummm, I'm not used to such a request and am concerned that doing so will cause me to go backward in my healing. The lack of communication for those several months had quite the opposite effect on me. It helped me to detach and heal. He insists that he doesn't have any hope for us, just misses our friendship. Since we were only acquaintances before we dated, I'm baffled with it all. I politely said that he could call every now and then.

Honestly, probably the best thing you can do. It sounds like he still has some feelings for you, but there's not much he can do, so he's going with what he can to try and ease his pain and rekindle SOMETHING that you two had. Acquaintances beforehand, sure, but in a relationship strong friendships emerge. It's hard to keep loving someone if you barely know them or like them...

Is this typical male ENFP post break up behavior?

Irregular reasons for breaking-up, but typical behaviour post-break-up (IMO).

Does my ex just want to assauge any guilty feelings he has over hurting me by "being friends"?

Probably, but he probably also genuinely wants to have a close friendship. So, a bit of both.

Is he just fooling himself and trying to fool me with this "just friends" bit? I tend to "cut and move on" so the request is bizare to me.

No, I would place a 99% estimate that he really does want to be friends. ENFPs don't like close relationships to die, be it a friendship, close relationship or otherwise. We like people. Plain and simple. He was ignorant and suffered not only by losing someone he truly cared for but also a close friendship. I'm guessing it is out of a genuine interest of being close to you again just as much as it is a way for him to cope. We can't cope fully until we make amends (again, just speaking from the perspective of myself and a few others ENFPs I know) and if we absolutely cannot have ANY level of friendship then we're forced to break it off, however difficult.

If it's uncomfortable for you, express that to him and how you are feeling about the whole situation. Personally, I would try to revive what was lost, to some degree anyway. If that still can't happen express that to him as well. It's better for us to know instead of guess, which will absolutely tear us up.

Just my two cents for what they're worth! (two cents) I hope it works out for you :)

[Paradox1987]

He just called me out of the blue and wants us to still be friends, says that he doesn't like us not having freedom around each other and that he's left me alone (b/c I asked him too) but that our silence, and lack of commmunication has bothered him the entire time. He wants to know if I'm OK with being friends now. Ummm, I'm not used to such a request and am concerned that doing so will cause me to go backward in my healing. The lack of communication for those several months had quite the opposite effect on me. It helped me to detach and heal. He insists that he doesn't have any hope for us, just misses our friendship. Since we were only acquaintances before we dated, I'm baffled with it all. I politely said that he could call every now and then.

If you don't mind my asking, how long was the time period between your break up and his bolt from the blue? I have to say, do what is best for you. I have a lot of acquaintances, but given a long enough period of time, and I can miss those acquaintances. I'll miss my friends after a shorter absence. The issue is not so much what he wants, but more a question of what you want? Further, if he was to declare feelings for you again, would have the fortitude, inclination or both to hold your own ground?

My question to the community is this: is this typical male ENFP post break up behavior?

I don't know how "typical" an ENFP I am, so I couldn't say, but personally, I'd say it's incredibly rare for me to be friends with an ex. Only the one ex has managed that feat, and we don't live in the same country...

Does my ex just want to assauge any guilty feelings he has over hurting me by "being friends"? Or is he just fooling himself and trying to fool me with this "just friends" bit? I tend to "cut and move on" so the request is bizare to me.

It may be exactly what it says on the tin, and he wants that acquaintance style friendship, or it could well also be the curse of "why did I let her go?" Which is usually time-dependent. Tbh, I'm more of a cut and move person myself, and I usually end up being asked to stay friends. I would say tread carefully, and don't lose sight of where your best interests lie. Time will reveal what he has in his mind or up his sleeve.

[Alysaria]

I wanted to add, from my own perspective....a breakup with a unhealthy, mildly sociopathic INTJ. He kept trying to drag me back in, then tried to make sure we'd stay friends without ever having any space to heal and move on. When he did give me space, he broke it within a week....and then after trying again, I sent a text message that I wasn't ready to give up the space yet and he immediately called and asked to meet in person so he could basically tell me the same thing - that he wasn't ready. He constantly made me feel like crap with guilt trips then turned around and was all sympathetic and reassuring. He'd get offended when I'd have enough and say that's what it felt like - and use those "accusations" as more ammunition for guilt trips. He started to cry every phonecall. He asked me if I'd hate him if he killed himself, then got mad at me for bringing up his brother's attempted suicide from the year before...he wanted me to tell him I'd be heartbroken rather than pointing out that his family would be devastated and it was an incredibly selfish and cruel thing to suggest. I eventually had enough of it all, said "I'm done" and haven't said a word to him since.

After that breakup FINALLY came to a conclusion 6 months after the actual breakup...I was pissed. The six months dragged on so long that I got most of the grief out of the way. I dedicated a sarcastic League of Legends anti-love song to him, drew some violent fruit death pictures, and wished for a piece of a roof to fall on his head or for him to spontaneously combust somewhere no one else would be hurt or for a hawk to dive out of the sky and karate chop his temples with its talons in just such a way that would kill him instantly. >.> The rage has since passed, but I still sometimes hope he just drops dead for the good of the world.

My current boyfriend keeps saying that it's natural to have feelings for exes that linger, since they had a piece of your heart....but frankly, I feel like I was deceived by my ex....that he wasn't really the person he projected and I didn't see the real him until after the breakup. I don't give a crap about people who aren't genuine. If we were kidnapped and locked alone in a room together, I'd expect to find myself strangled by morning. :P

[RuthBoaz]

If you don't mind my asking, how long was the time period between your break up and his bolt from the blue? I have to say, do what is best for you. I have a lot of acquaintances, but given a long enough period of time, and I can miss those acquaintances. I'll miss my friends after a shorter absence. The issue is not so much what he wants, but more a question of what you want? Further, if he was to declare feelings for you again, would have the fortitude, inclination or both to hold your own ground?
We broke up and tried to do the "friends" thing for 3 months. I couldn't take it anymore b/c I still loved him. I told him as much. But, he wanted to stick with the decision to keep our break up. This continued course was being chosen by him, even though he told me during this same conversation that he wasn't over me and several of his friends had told him that he wasn't over me. Nevertheless, the break up was to remain. When we'd broken up he had felt that he wasn't ready for a relationship and that he was so confused in his life in general, that he loved me and didn't want me to get drug through his chaos. Anyway, after this conversation that was 3 month post break up, I told him that I really couldn't be friends with him anymore b/c it was too hard for me. That was 3 1/2 months ago. We had very little contact during this time period and I've done the best I could to try to move on. Then, he calls me a couple of weeks ago telling me that it's upset him for the past 3 months that we don't talk anymore and he wants us to be "friends" and have freedom to be in each other's lives.

If he were to declare his feelings for me again...I'd be happy and would be willing to proceed cautiously. I guess I was wondering if I was deceiving myself to think that that was even a possibility given that he says he has no hope for us romantically and just wants to be friends. So, I thought "oh, maybe this is really just an ENFP thing" so I should just maintain my distance so that I can find someone else...

It may be exactly what it says on the tin, and he wants that acquaintance style friendship, or it could well also be the curse of "why did I let her go?" Which is usually time-dependent.

What exactly do you mean by "time dependant"?