I'm currently in a relationship (almost 6 months), which has been really really great. With an INFJ (I think, he happened to take a test before starting to date me, but I think sometimes these internet tests can have varying results) Normally when I'm healthier, we get along great. I'm a person who could take forever to make a decision, but he can help me choose quickly. When he seems obsessed with making the right choice about something small and inconsequential, I can remind him that some spontaneity is good. Not only that, but I've been able to talk with him about anything, and even if there is a conflict, through discussion, things work out so that we understand each other better, and the love and trust has always grown. This helps me, because in the past I had a ridiculous fear of confrontation. And now it's not that I like confrontation, it's just a way I've learned to take care of myself so I can better care for others. (I'm an ENFP, Enneagram Type 2).
So I think I should go over some of my past to explain a little about myself. I did have some small rebellious experiences while young, but when I learn of those of others (especially my boyfriend's) they seem very puny or normal and harmless in comparison. There were times I'd suck at school because of the whole wavering attention span with subjects that didn't excite me, I'd draw a lot in class. My dad used to be a much more anxious person, and my mom used to be overly worrisome. My dad would try to teach me good study habits, and I wanted to try and pick them up... but then I've had a tendency to be really bad at following through with things (it's better now). Eventually he got more and more frustrated, and then even angry. A few times that anger was really scary. For a long time after this my desire for academic success felt like it was founded on fear. Now, I realize my dad wanted me to do well, and I try to appreciate it, because at least he cared, right? I went to art school, did great, and recently graduated. Ever since I've been in college, and shown more responsibility for myself, he backed down, and has been more laid back with me. So we get along great, and I've forgiven him. But I can't help but feel like the attempt to control my patterns has left me with a higher tendency for paranoia.
Ok, another factor which I think adds into this: My first relationship, and only one before this, lasted 2 1/2 years. After a good first year, I started to become very stressed with the relationship. I was 19 when it began, but by the time I was 20 or 21 my world view was changing. I was finding things that I cared about (and I admit, I went through some dumb obsessive phases), and began to see more clearly where I wanted go go with my life. He wanted to simply get married, live in a suburb, and have children (I guess I wanted to live exactly how he was raised, he was never rebellious as a child.). He turned out to be manipulative. I was a people-pleaser. My parents and friends continuously warned me, but I didn't understand fully until the moment before I broke up for the final time. I guess I wanted to be so unselfish that I even let him fool me that I was emotionally abusive. He would hide in my closet or mope when I upset him, and the more times this happened, the more I had to offer for forgiveness. When my desires originally began to clash with his, the relationship should have been ended. But neither of us were good at ending one. We broke up and got back together a total of 7 times before I finally couldn't take one shred more. I finally realized he was using his upset towards a mistake of mine to get something he wanted from me. It was finally obvious, and I've had a better sense and higher guard towards manipulation and control since.
I spent a year after this being very happy, very optimistic about my future, feeling eager to learn new things, becoming stronger and more assertive (to balance my desire to help others). I think I became much more balanced as a person, and I learned how to temper my once high anxiety and paranoia.
So my concern, and reason for this post, is that I've been noticing myself becoming paranoid again. There's also this linked desire to control stupid little things. My boyfriend has been telling me more and more about his teenage experiences (a few which were shocking, some not so much) and how different his personality was then. Normally I want to support him anyway, since I feel like his mistakes and hard learned lessons have set him up with a desire to grow. But I get this anxiety. He admitted to having few morals as a teenager, and as a person with some high ones, I feel myself getting a little judgemental. He asks me to just trust him, and I want to, but when I saw him starting to smoke again with one of our friends, I got this uncomfortable feeling. He's talked to me about his father who is an alcoholic and smokes. He worries about his dad's addictive tendencies. He has had a tendency himself to not show much control around alcohol, but only on occasions. He said he smoked because 'it looked good.' I likened this to how it momentarily looked appealing for me to throw some rotten potatoes, but that didn't mean it was a good idea, and it became a joke. He understood. I really don't want to be a nag, and definitely don't want to be controlling, but it's hard for me to not be bothered by some things :/. And it's even harder for me to just forget my feelings. I have to address them, or they fester inside and cause problems. He said he took comfort in it coming from a place of concern for his well being. It's true, most of this discomfort comes from a place of wanting him to make good choices, and I want this relationship to last a long time. He wants me to trust him, but learning more and processing more of his erratic past makes me feel like I need some kind of reassurance. Half of me feels like this isn't fair though, and I fear that I'm on my way to becoming what I hated: manipulative and controlling.
This is where my current paranoia is coming from. The problem, these things seem to subside when I'm around him, or around others, but when alone it feels like these thoughts take over and even become torturing. I can't sleep. So, to clarify, this isn't really a 'relationship help' thread, but I'm giving that information for context. It's more for my own emotional help, so that I can in turn keep the relationship healthy. I feel kind of guilty talking about it here and not to him first, but then again I don't want to lay all my problems on him. I thought I had learned to deal with constant anxiety and prevent it, but it's hard to constantly be having to tell myself things to keep irrational feelings at bay.