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Help please! Need honest insights on an ENFP-ESFJ dynamic I'm witnessing at work.

[ENFP] 
3K views 6 replies 6 participants last post by  TheAfflatusSurging 
#1 ·
Hello wonderful people! :) I'm an INFP through and through, and I might start off by saying that you guys are one of my favorite types ever--I tend to enjoy you in platonic, romantic, and pedagogical relationships!

The discussion I'm attempting to open has nothing to do with myself, actually. I'm just fascinated by a possibly romantic dynamic between two people that I've been witnessing at work for the past two years, and although I'm not particularly close with either of them, they're my co-workers and I have an inexplicable desire to figure out whether or not what I'm seeing and speculating is accurate at all.

Here is the situation. There is a 28 year old ENFP guy and a 25 year old ESFJ girl who have been working very closely with each other in collaboration on a long-term project for more than two years now (they see each other every day). They're extremely close and good friends, have wonderful and genuine rapport, are incredibly flirty with each other (I do understand that both ESFJs and ENFPs tend to flirt with everyone though), and enjoy touching each other playfully. I've noticed sometimes that they can't seem to stop smiling when they're around each other, and honestly, it's quite adorable. I'm obviously not around them all the time, but I see their Tweets to each other (they did it a lot more when she was single, not as much now), and during group settings when we hang out (which is pretty frequently), I've observed them to the best of my ability. The body language is pretty incredible--for the first half year or so, the ENFP was either quite nervous and fidgety (and a little introverted) around the ESFJ, or else he was extremely flirty in an over-eager extent, and the ESFJ would look at him like he hung the moon. They mirrored each other a lot too, in action and in speech. Last year, I think they had an argument (no clue as to what it was about) and were awkward for a couple of days, but they've moved on since then.

Now, I'm going to provide some context--some of which is speculation on my part. I highly suspect that within the first six to eight months of knowing each other, they came to develop some kind of feelings for each other, but were never in a committed relationship--I'm not even sure if they came out and confessed their feelings for each other. They went on a few casual, hang-out dates with each other, and rumor has it that when someone asked him if they were dating, he kind of shrugged it off jokingly without denying it. My speculation is that the ENFP, while feeling something for the ESFJ, wanted more time to figure out whether or not he was ready to commit. Meanwhile, the ESFJ, who had been hanging out with another guy (I believe an ESTP), took it as a sign that he wasn't fully interested in her, and began dating the ESTP. While they remained good friends, I definitely sensed some tension between them after that, and the ENFP really seemed hurt--when he found out that the ESFJ was getting serious with the ESTP, he told another co-worker who asked him if they were an item (yet again) in a not-so-joking-anymore manner that they were just friends because they were "too different" (which is not untrue), which struck me as really odd and out-of-character for him, especially because he's the type who prefers his options open. Anyway, a few weeks later, our boss confronted all of us and sternly advised us against seeking relationships with our co-workers, and that was that. No one has broken the rule thus far.

Now, while they're not nervous around each other anymore, the ENFP spends as much time with her as possible, and he's very much aware of her presence. Although the ENFP definitely flirts with pretty much all the girls (myself included, haha), it seems like he tends to make it a point to single out the ESFJ in a group setting for extra attention; and while the ESFJ displays affection towards everyone, she laughs so freely around him, and you can tell her appreciation for him runs deeply; they're just extremely comfortable around each other. They talk about each other a lot, and when the ENFP is talking to me, he always praises her, very sincerely, on a professional level. Sometimes, though, they'll go to their own corner of the room, and I see him touching her hair and her holding his hand. All in all, there are times when their dynamic strikes me as platonic and times when the chemistry is quietly electric--moving, even. Oh, and I don't see the ESTP boyfriend around a lot, but when he has been there for something, the ENFP is either absent or doesn't interact with him, mostly just staying on his phone. So, something smells fishy. Jussayin'.

It appears to me that the ENFP is genuinely trying to move on--I'm sure he's had a few hook-ups in this past year--but still harbors feelings for this girl. Meanwhile, the ESFJ was so unsubtle about her crush on him before she started getting serious with her boyfriend and while it's not in my place to say, I can't help but feel like she settled for second best. She's extremely loyal to her SO and to her job, but she can't seem to help her adorable little self around the ENFP (and honestly, while I don't intend to judge, her boyfriend really strikes me as a douche). I'm not even sure why, but I'm really rooting for them. On the surface, they certainly don't make Barbie and Ken--the ESFJ is a bit of an exotic beauty and the ENFP is more conventionally attractive, and interests-wise, they don't quite mesh either (although I've noticed through Twitter that the ENFP attempts to acquire some of her interests at times). It seems that the online community tends to believe that ENFP-ESFJ is a recipe for disaster, but honestly, what I'm seeing is pretty real. It seems like the ENFP wasn't planning on falling for this girl, but he did (despite, her loud and her brassy, I think it's her passionate nature that he finds so attractive), much against his will. I can see a lot of the Benefactor-Beneficiary dynamic at work when they interact, and it's not nearly as one-sided as I would have expected. I truly believe they love each other on some level.

I realize I probably sound incredibly creepy, but I just find this whole thing intriguing! :D I'm kind of the type of girl who invents an entire story for a stranger on a bus before I get off, so...

Anyway, sorry this is so sloppily written, but I'd highly appreciate any and all comments. I'd enjoy reading your thoughts on my little theory, and I'm particularly interested in the following:

-If you have been secretly harboring feelings for someone who you must interact with on a daily basis, how would you act around her?
-Have any of you found yourself attracted to, and even in love with, someone unexpected?
-Are ENFPs likely to hold onto unresolved romantic feelings for a long time? Are they capable of it?
-If the opportunity arose that you could be with her, would you choose to pursue a romantic relationship or would you leave things as they are?

:) Thank you much!
 
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#2 ·
There are some issues in this "story" that are difficult to speculate on. A dynamic that is not discussed is that romantic relationships in a business setting are usually fraught with alot of problems. It seems that romantic relationships are discouraged at your place of business and if they do develop between two colleagues that work as peers, there may be a work-place policy that will state that either employee may need to be re-assigned to different divisions. I have, in my past, dated a work colleague. We were in the same division but did not work in the same unit so it was "acceptable". Unfortunately, the relationship ended and I did run into him at work on occasion but I eventually left the firm to pursue other opportunities. I don't want to experience that level of work colleague break-up discomfort again so a no-no for me is to get involved with work colleagues.

Having said that - I will try to answer some of your queries -

-If you have been secretly harbouring feelings for someone who you must interact with on a daily basis, how would you act around her?
Since I now have a "do not get involved with colleagues rule", this person would have to be in my acquaintance circle and I would probably not run into them every day. If I was interesting in someone I would definitely run interference with them and I would try to get to know them better then suggest something to do - in short, if I am interested in someone with a potential for a romantic opportunity, I will do subtle pursuing.

-Have any of you found yourself attracted to, and even in love with, someone unexpected?
Yes - this is usually always how I find myself in new relationships.
-Are ENFPs likely to hold onto unresolved romantic feelings for a long time? Are they capable of it?
Yes - I don't fall in love often, but when I do it is to the core and it takes a long time to process these feelings on the inside (Fi). My life experience has shown me that the best way to do this is to totally disengage myself from the other person - I generally do not maintain a friendship with any exSOs or someone who I was pursuing...the problem hinges on the fact that I will always want something that can not be so I just have to not run interference with it anymore and "let it be" (easier said than done).
-If the opportunity arose that you could be with her, would you choose to pursue a romantic relationship or would you leave things as they are?
Again, the filter of being work colleagues would prevent me from pursuing a relationship in this situation and the person is in another relationship (two no-nos). If this situation changes (e.g. no longer at the firm and person is now single), I might be open to pursing something.

BTW, observing work colleagues' tweets on twitter is a bit creepy to me (just saying)...this is a bit "too much information" that I don't really need to know about work colleagues.
 
#7 ·
Thanks much for the insights!

Romantic entanglements are definitely discouraged where I work, but this wasn't made clear until after we started on a bigger, joint project. However, the ESFJ is considering on leaving within the next year or so.

The problem with this dynamic I'm seeing is that they are forced to work with each other, and at the same time they refuse to give up their friendship, so I'm not sure if this is healthy, especially for the ENFP.

Since they're my friends, I have them both on Twitter (and they have me) so I constantly see what they Tweet each other (if they do at all), so I can't really help but notice them. You're right though, I shouldn't have shared this on here.

Well, I'm a girl, bu I'll try to answer the questions from my perspective:

-If you have been secretly harboring feelings for someone who you must interact with on a daily basis, how would you act around him?
I have done this in the past. It was at a part time job I had when I was in high school. Everybody told me he obviously had feelings for me as well, but both of us were too shy to do anything about it. I went on for about a year! I tried to be an even better version of myself, very happy, nice and cheerful, and make a lot of (nice) jokes. I was also afraid he'd guess that I liked him (in case he didn't like me in the same way), so I didn't try to act too differently in front of him..

-Have any of you found yourself attracted to, and even in love with, someone unexpected?
Definitely

-Are ENFPs likely to hold onto unresolved romantic feelings for a long time? Are they capable of it?
Well I did for one year. And for the last 6 years I've been in love with my current boyfriend, but that's not exactly unresolved :p

-If the opportunity arose that you could be with him, would you choose to pursue a romantic relationship or would you leave things as they are?
I would DEFINITELY pursue a romantic relationship. I don't like playing around or not knowing where we're going. I want it to be serious and committed.

By the way, the only ESFJ I know is my mother, and we don't get along at all. However, she is very unhealthy, selfish, critical, unstable etc. :-( I sure hope other ESFJs are not like that.

How do you know they are ENFP and ESFJ? I only know the ones I know (boyfriend, mother, close friends) because I got them to do thests and they told me the results :)

Btw, I have never been I love with someone who was in a relationship with someone else. That's a big turnoff for me and against my (strong!) principles.
Thanks for your answers, and congratulations on six years with your boyfriend--that's amazing! :) Longest relationship I've maintained was one and a half years...

Interesting. So can I assume you would pursue a romantic relationship even at the cost of a great friendship? Are some of you more willing to keep the friendship, even if it means having to deal with unresolved feelings for a few more years?

Haha, my aunt is ESFJ and she sounds just like your mother! ESFJs weren't exactly my favorite people in the world once upon a time, but ever since discovering MBTI a year ago, I've come to better empathize with and appreciate them because I truly believe there is no superiority/inferiority when it comes to personalities. I think ESFJs are often criticized for their self-loving, but honestly, who am I to criticize them when I myself display certain solipsistic tendencies inwardly? It's not not all that much different if you think about it. Anyway, this ESFJ is somewhat egotistical, controlling, overly-precise, and predictable, but at the same time, she's confident, friendly, deeply feeling, generous, radiant in her energy, and above all, passionate about her life. She irks me in the way that I probably irk other people, but all in all, I really do like her. :) But I digress...

I've worked with both of them just about every day for two years now, and have seen them in both work and social settings, so I internalized information as I got to know them better and eventually came to a point where I was able to type them. I just honestly can't see them as anything but ENFP and ESFJ because they embody the descriptions and characteristics associated with each to such a full extent. It helps that I've done some extensive reading on each of the MBTI types, but I guess there's no way to attain 100% certainty unless they take the tests themselves. :)

If you have been secretly harboring feelings for someone who you must interact with on a daily basis, how would you act around her?
I have been in that situation before, and I'm not capable of acting normal. I'm extra flirty and pay extra attention to them no matter what.

Have any of you found yourself attracted to, and even in love with, someone unexpected?
Oh, absolutely.

Are ENFPs likely to hold onto unresolved romantic feelings for a long time? Are they capable of it?
Of course. I have also experienced this. In high school I was head over heels for my best friend for about two years, even though I didn't think he had feelings for me. (Three years later, I found out he actually did... loser.)

If the opportunity arose that you could be with her, would you choose to pursue a romantic relationship or would you leave things as they are?
Yes, I would pursue it. Why not?
I appreciate the input! :) You sound just like the ENFP in my story--he flirts with everyone, but he flirts most pointedly with her. Sometimes I swear he's torturing himself.

?

I am curious about the above quoted parts.

If anybody cares to take into consideration an ENTP post.
I'm not quite sure what you're asking, but...

Initially, our boss didn't really mention workplace relationships with us (and that's when the sparks between the ENFP/ESFJ were flying), but then we started working on a long-term project together, and he basically told us that he didn't want any dynamics to be messed up along the way, hinting heavily that romantic pursuits should be abandoned (whether or not he suspected the ENFP/ESFJ of having something is up to interpretation).

Yes, she's your archetypical ESFJ.

She's just loyal and committed about everything. Her boyfriend recently moves around a lot due to his work, and she puts a lot of effort into driving really long hours to spend time with him every week (although I don't know how much longer she can do that). She would probably never think of dating any of her co-workers because she's focused on doing her job right.

Reading back on that, I don't like the way I phrased it, but what I meant was that at the time she was hanging out with both guys, it seemed she was more genuinely interested in being with the ENFP, but eventually she went for the ESTP because he asked her out and the ENFP wasn't making up his mind just yet.

Please, by all means, feel free to share! :)

They sound like interesting people to work with. Thanks for writing this up, it was an interesting read!

What are trying to get at with the questions, exactly? Idle speculation?
Thank you for taking the time to read! :)

Mostly idle speculation. Which is probably a little unhealthy and creepy. But I'm honestly just curious because I'm intrigued by this dynamic--never really seen anything like this before. I haven't shared any of my thoughts with anyone (not even my non-work related friends) and I'm not planning to--generally, I like to maintain a little bit of distance from my co-workers. We're good friends, but not close enough that I will talk to them, let alone ask, about their personal lives. I'm also averse to gossiping, so I'm pretty much The Silent One in situations where my colleagues are discussing rumors, but they talk so loud...

Also, because I have a lot of you in my life, anything I see that involves in ENFP tends to capture my interest. You guys are kind of mysterious.
 
#3 ·
Well, I'm a girl, bu I'll try to answer the questions from my perspective:

-If you have been secretly harboring feelings for someone who you must interact with on a daily basis, how would you act around him?
I have done this in the past. It was at a part time job I had when I was in high school. Everybody told me he obviously had feelings for me as well, but both of us were too shy to do anything about it. I went on for about a year! I tried to be an even better version of myself, very happy, nice and cheerful, and make a lot of (nice) jokes. I was also afraid he'd guess that I liked him (in case he didn't like me in the same way), so I didn't try to act too differently in front of him..

-Have any of you found yourself attracted to, and even in love with, someone unexpected?
Definitely

-Are ENFPs likely to hold onto unresolved romantic feelings for a long time? Are they capable of it?
Well I did for one year. And for the last 6 years I've been in love with my current boyfriend, but that's not exactly unresolved :p

-If the opportunity arose that you could be with him, would you choose to pursue a romantic relationship or would you leave things as they are?
I would DEFINITELY pursue a romantic relationship. I don't like playing around or not knowing where we're going. I want it to be serious and committed.

By the way, the only ESFJ I know is my mother, and we don't get along at all. However, she is very unhealthy, selfish, critical, unstable etc. :-( I sure hope other ESFJs are not like that.

How do you know they are ENFP and ESFJ? I only know the ones I know (boyfriend, mother, close friends) because I got them to do thests and they told me the results :)

Btw, I have never been I love with someone who was in a relationship with someone else. That's a big turnoff for me and against my (strong!) principles.
 
#4 ·
If you have been secretly harboring feelings for someone who you must interact with on a daily basis, how would you act around her?
I have been in that situation before, and I'm not capable of acting normal. I'm extra flirty and pay extra attention to them no matter what.

Have any of you found yourself attracted to, and even in love with, someone unexpected?
Oh, absolutely.

Are ENFPs likely to hold onto unresolved romantic feelings for a long time? Are they capable of it?
Of course. I have also experienced this. In high school I was head over heels for my best friend for about two years, even though I didn't think he had feelings for me. (Three years later, I found out he actually did... loser.)

If the opportunity arose that you could be with her, would you choose to pursue a romantic relationship or would you leave things as they are?
Yes, I would pursue it. Why not?
 
#5 ·
our boss confronted all of us and sternly advised us against seeking relationships with our co-workers, and that was that. No one has broken the rule thus far.

ESFJ

She's extremely loyal to ... her job

I ... feel like she settled

?

I am curious about the above quoted parts.

If anybody cares to take into consideration an ENTP post.
 
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